Backroads Read online

  She’s on birth control, I know for certain, because I’ve watched her take it every morning. I open the cabinet over the sink and see the pills are gone.

  Pregnant? My Holly.

  The thought of her growing our child makes my heart want to burst.

  I need to borrow a phone and talk to her now.

  I take big strides toward the front of the cabin with a smile on my face. I will never make it through the weekend now.

  Linda walks through the door, without knocking. “Chase, we need to talk.” Linda’s voice is dry, and she doesn’t seem very happy.

  If she’s mad, then it’s true. “Is she okay? I’m gonna make this right. It will be a good thing, I swear, Linda.” Laughing, I hug the woman who has been like a mother to me this past year.

  She shoves me angrily. “How are you going to make this right? You fucked up big-time. I want you gone. By tomorrow I want you gone.”

  My elation and happiness sags. “Wait, Linda... I mean, I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it’ll be okay.” I need to convince her I’ll be there for her. I’m not running. “I’ll be there for her and the baby every step of the way. I’ll take care of her. I’m not leaving.”

  Her face is painted in disgust. “Just like you took care of your wife and baby? No, Chase, you’re done.”

  “Wait, what? Wife? Baby?” My heart is seriously threatening to beat its way out of my chest. “What are you talking about? I walked in to find a box of pregnancy tests. Did she tell you? Is she?”

  “Chase, I knew you had some baggage in your past, but you left your wife and child. It’s time you went home to them.” She shoves her hand at me, opening it to reveal a small picture.

  Swallowing hard, I carefully pick it up and look at the couple for the millionth time. It still hurts to look at this picture. “This isn’t what you think, Linda. She’s—”

  “How could you lie to her after everything she already went through. She deserves more than a piece-of-shit guy who runs away from his problems.” She slaps me across the face.

  The stunned look on her face tells me she hadn’t planned on doing it. The sting on my cheek hurts, and I raise a hand to rub it. “Linda, this is my brother and his wife. My twin brother, Jacob, and his wife, Karen.” I hang my head, ashamed, because she is right about one thing. “I did leave her and her baby behind.”

  “Wait. Twin?” She looks horrified.

  I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I lost my brother a couple years ago. The day after the funeral, I went to their house. She was packing a suitcase, telling me she couldn’t look at me. She couldn’t be around me. To see the man she loved in my face and never see him again.” The hurt behind her words still rings through me. It was what I faced every day in the mirror, the reason I let my hair and beard grow. “I...”

  “Chase, this is your twin? You don’t have a wife... or a baby?” she repeats.

  “No. But I should have been there for her. Wait, did Holly see this? Does she think—no!”

  “Yes! Oh my god, Chase, she’s not coming back. She got on that plane and said she wouldn’t be coming back.”

  “Is she pregnant? This box isn’t open. Does she think she is? Did she tell you?” I plead with her.

  She shakes her head. “I don’t know. I gave her a box and made her take it with her. With everything that happened, I forgot about this box on the counter. As far as I know, she hasn’t taken them yet.”

  I try to hide the disappointment. “Do you know where they’re staying?”

  She nods slowly. “Wait, we can call her and tell her.”

  “No, I don’t want to risk her not coming back. I love her, Linda. Pregnant or not, she’s it for me. She deserves to hear me explain this face-to-face.” I head back to my bedroom and grab my duffle bag in the closet. I don’t even know what to put in it, it’s been so long since I’ve used it.

  Turns out I don’t have to think about it. Linda starts whirling around the room opening drawers and finding clothes for me. She grabs things from the bathroom and shoves it all inside.

  “Are you driving or flying?” she says, zipping it up like she does this every day.

  “Flying is fastest. I need to get to her.” Grabbing my chest as a stabbing pain shoots through my heart, it starts to hit me what she must be going through. “Is she hurting?”

  Tears well in her eyes as she nods. “I was afraid they wouldn’t let her on the plane she was such a mess when I left her.”

  I need to own the hurt I caused her. To explain. “I’ll make this right, I swear it.”

  I grab my bag and head to the door, suddenly realizing a few things. “Linda, can I borrow the truck?”

  “Oh for god’s sake, yes! Here, take my phone. All the numbers you need are in it.” She shoves the phone in my hand and pushes me out the door.

  My heart feels like it’s bleeding. My nightmare is coming true. I can’t lose her.

  “You’re sure you threw it in here?” Alexis asks me for the hundredth time.

  “Yes. It has to be in here. Just keep moving boxes.” I’ve had a headache all day since leaving the ranch. Walking around all the dust-covered boxes hasn’t helped.

  “What’s it look like again?”

  I’ve missed my cousin more than I realized. When she came barreling out of her terminal dressed completely in black with a hat and sunglasses to boot, I laughed for the first time since the bomb hit.

  She was “incognito,” she explained. Her loose black tee over her skintight shredded skinny jeans and boots screamed punk rock, not the country girl I know her to be.

  So far no one had recognized her either, which was a blessing. Today I just needed my cousin Alexis, not the star.

  “You’ve seen the ugly pictures of it.” The ring is a family heirloom of his. Ugly is the only way to describe it. The gold band is so gnarled and deformed I had a hard time wearing it. I actually didn’t wear it right away but felt guilty when people kept asking where it was. You could almost see the sympathy cross their face when they finally did lay their eyes on it.

  “Ugh, why is it so dark in here? I can’t see the floor back here,” Alexis whines, using the flashlight on her phone since the one bulb hanging from the ceiling is more like a glow stick than any help.

  We’ve only been at my storage unit for half an hour, but with the confined space and no ventilation, we’re both hot and sticky. How did everything get so filled with dust in here? I sneeze.

  “We might have to move the boxes from one side of the room to the other,” I offer, moving the first box to an empty space on the floor.

  Another half hour later, after moving every box and scouring the floor, there’s still no ring.

  “It has to be here, Lex. There’s nowhere else I swear.” I don’t even try and hold my tears back.

  I know now I never knew what true heartache felt like till today. The first time I went to look at my phone to check the time, I lost it. The picture of Chase and me—the gift I gave him before I left—was staring back at me on my phone. The picture that held such a happy memory that ultimately ripped everything away. There’s nothing like sitting on an uncomfortable chair at the airport, sobbing and surrounded by strangers.

  The woman at the gate ended up helping me to my seat on the plane. I couldn’t talk to anyone, left to nodding when they asked me questions.

  Are you okay? Can we get you anything? It’s going to be okay.

  I’m sure they thought there was a death in the family, but they will never know how their kind actions made me feel. Or how grateful I was when they brought me a box of Kleenex with a glass of water and some ibuprofen.

  They might have been trying to keep me from wailing and disturbing the other passengers, but I’m going with my first thoughts that they cared about the crazy woman sobbing uncontrollably.

  Alexis gives me a hug and awkwardly runs her hand up and down my arm. She isn’t big on the touchy-feely things, and anything beyond a hug is crossing a line for her. Her af
fection makes me smile.

  “I’m sorry. I’m such a mess right now. I just can’t believe we haven’t found it.”

  “It’s okay. I know I’m not a love expert, but what he did was uncalled for. What both those assholes did was uncalled for.” I swear I see unshed tears in her eyes.

  “You wouldn’t know it by the songs you sing, Lex. You sing of love and heartbreak all the time.” She does. She’s made her living singing of being in love and having her heart ripped out.

  “You know where my inspiration comes from. It’s not from personal experience.” We both laugh, knowing her song-writing process—watching Lifetime movies like it’s a drug.

  “Come on. We have the whole weekend to look again. Let’s get out of this tin can and eat. I want a Chicago-style pizza delivered to our room, and ice cream for afterwards,” she suggests, knowing food is a comfort I need to drown in right now.

  “Fine, but if I gain twenty pounds over the weekend, I’m blaming you for your mad room service skills,” I joke, stroking my stomach.

  After closing the rolling door to the storage unit and locking it up, we make our way to the rental car.

  “I can’t move, Lex.” Somehow in the last couple of hours we have devoured a medium deep-dish pizza and almost polished off a pint of mint bon bon ice cream. I still keep grabbing for it every few minutes for another bite.

  We changed into our pajamas when we returned to the hotel suite and have been kicked back on the couch watching movies.

  “Well, you did eat half the pizza yourself. Maybe we should hit the gym in the morning.” She raises an eyebrow exactly like her mom does.

  “The gym? I haven’t been to the gym in months. Do I look fat?” I had considered I might have gained weight eating home-cooked meals on a regular basis, but since my clothes still fit I hadn’t noticed.

  “I think your tits have gained, that’s for sure.” She laughs.

  “Ugh, you might be right about that. They are crazy out of control.” We’ve always had a similar body, and I have used that to my advantage over the years when I borrowed her clothes. But my breasts decided to grow another cup size when I was in college. She’s made fun of them ever since.

  “So tomorrow we start fresh. We hit up the gym, eat a good breakfast, then head back to the storage unit. We don’t stop till we find that gaudy thing.” She pumps her fist in the air at her plan.

  “I’ve missed you, cuz. I’m glad we’ve connected again.”

  “So what about that other thing.”

  “What other thing? We’ve talked about two assholes in my life, a chicken that loves to attack me, and my inability to dismount a horse. What have I missed?” All day I have filled her in on ranch living. I’ve grown to love it much more than I would have thought. And now, I may never go back. Maybe someday, but not anytime soon.

  She twirls a loose piece of hair that has fallen out of her messy bun piled on top of her head. “Well, Mom says she thinks you could be knocked up.” She ducks behind a pillow and peers over the top.

  I roll my eyes at her. “Yes, she does seem to think that.”

  “Sooooo, are you?”

  I blow out a long breath. “I don’t know. She’s the one convinced the women in our family are fertile beyond birth control. You better watch yourself too.” I laugh at the horrified look on her face.

  “I don’t have to worry about that.” Before I can dive deeper into that topic with her, she holds out one of the tests Linda shoved in my bag. “Here. I promised her I would get you to take this so we can all shut up about it. I’m on your side. I think she’s overreacting.”

  I throw my hands in the air. “Fine! If it’ll get everyone to shut up about it. Fine. Give me the stupid thing.”

  I grab it and stomp off to the bathroom, with Alexis hot on my heels. I turn just in time to slam the door in her face. “You are not watching me pee on this thing.”

  “Are you done yet?” she calls through the door.

  “No. I don’t even have my pants down.” Okay, I’m going to get this over with and shove the negative sign in Linda’s face.

  I look at the stick I’ve seen so many times on TV. I pull the little blue cap off the end and twirl it between my hands. “Here goes nothing,” I mutter to myself.

  This is supposed to be an idiotproof test, right? I stick it between my legs.

  Not sure if I’m hitting it or not, I try moving it around. Instead I end up peeing all over my hand. I peer between my legs to watch what is going on and see I’m nowhere near the end of the stick. Adjusting it, I’m satisfied I hit enough of it.

  With my damp hand, I gingerly place it on the edge of the sink so I can clean up.

  “Let me in!” Lex pounds on the door.

  I let her in to find her with her phone camera on. “What are you doing?” I ask, not amused.

  “I told Mom I would record your reaction since she can’t be here. Just go with it.” She grabs the stick on the counter and makes sure to get it in the video. “How long do we have to wait?”

  I try to bite back the laughter as my cousin handles the stick. “It says three minutes. Oh, and just so you know, I pissed all over that thing. All over it.”

  “What!” She drops it and frantically runs water to wash her hands. “You could have said something before I touched it.”

  “What did you expect? I had to pee on it. Did you not think it would get on the rest of it?”

  “I don’t know, I’ve never used one.” Wiping her hands off, she picks up her phone again. “Where is it?”

  “Here it is,” I say, reaching down to pick it up. I flip it over and drop it again. “Fuck.”

  “What? Was it wet?” She stands over it, bending down to pick it up with the towel.

  She flips it over and sees what I do. “Holly. You’re going to have a baby!” she squeals.

  I clutch my stomach and see the floor blur in front of me.

  “Crap, hold on! Sit down,” she says, rushing to me.

  Fresh tears stream down my face. I’m pregnant.

  I’m pregnant.

  Instead of freaking out like I thought I would, laughter bubbles out. I am pregnant with Chase’s baby—our baby.

  My heart clenches, reminding me he’s not mine anymore. I try to push aside the heartache so I can remember this moment later. The one where no matter what, I’m over-the-moon happy with Chase’s baby growing inside me.

  A hand slapping on my back in the most unsoothing way has me laughing more. “Um, you going to be okay?” Alexis asks.

  “For the first time today, I can say yes. Yes, I’m going to be okay. I know after everything that’s happened, this is going to sound strange, but I’m happy. I’m really happy.” I laugh, wiping my tears away.

  I stand and hug my cousin tight. I don’t think I could have had the guts to take the test with anyone else around.

  Placing my hand on my stomach, I smile. I’m going to be a mom.

  I’m usually a patient man, but today my patience is being tested. What should have been a two-and-a-half-hour flight has turned into my worst nightmare.

  Before I even made it to the airport, Linda called to let me now she booked my flight for me.

  There was no direct flight till the next day, so she and Beth planned for me to hop on a plane going in the opposite direction. From there I would have a direct flight at ten tonight. What none of us thought to look at was the weather.

  I’m sitting at the Minneapolis airport waiting for a thunderstorm to pass that covers four states. All flights have been delayed.

  I can’t stop pacing the terminals. If the drive time didn’t outweigh the delayed time, I would have rented a car by now. Once in the air, flight time will only be an hour and a half. I need to keep my calm, or they won’t let me on the plane.

  Linda’s phone chirps in my hand with a text. Navigating through the screen, I see it’s from Alexis.

  Linda was going to call her and let her know I was coming. Maybe she’s trying to contact
me?

  Hoping it’s nothing private, I click on the message.

  Alexis: Guess who was right?

  You were.

  P.S. We both love and hate you for being “mom” right.

  There’s a picture attached of Alexis with a big smile and Holly holding a piece of paper that says “I’m knocked up, and my cousin made me hold this stupid sign.”

  I grip the phone with sweaty hands, trying to hold back tears. She’s pregnant. My Holly is pregnant. My heart is trying to beat out of my chest as I stare at the woman I love. Pregnant.

  Her eyes are red from crying, but the smile on her face looks like she might be happy. My fingers ache to hold her and kiss her. Was it really this morning when I said goodbye to her?

  My gut twists thinking how I could be with her right now if she knew everything. I hadn’t been able to talk about Jacob openly for so long because of the pain of missing him. Keeping everything bottled up for so long has ended up hurting the person I love.

  I know the ache in my chest can only be fixed with her in my arms.

  I sit and stare at the picture for an unknown amount of time, when the phone chirps again.

  Alexis: Chase?

  Linda must have called in between me receiving the texts and now.

  Me: Yes

  Alexis: Crap. I just spilled a whole lot of beans. Mom just called.

  Me: Is she ok?

  Is she happy about the baby?

  My hands are shaking as I type out the question I so desperately want to ask her when she is finally in my arms.

  I watch the ellipsis dancing on the phone, telling me she is texting me back. It feels like forever before another text comes through.

  Alexis: She is happy.

  Are you really on your way here?

  Me: Yes. I’m stuck waiting for a plane.

  Does she know I’m coming?

  Alexis: No. Mom didn’t tell me everything. Only that you were on your way, and to make sure Holly doesn’t know.