How Not to Kill Your Baby Read online

  Staying Fit While Pregnant

  It is vital that you maintain a healthy exercise schedule while pregnant. First, this will ensure that you feel fi t and healthy, which is useful if you are a selfish monster who puts her own feelings ahead of her child.

  More important, you serve as a life support system for your fetus. Your heart pumps blood to your baby; your lungs oxygenate that blood; and your brain prevents you from stumbling into the path of an oncoming train, which could damage your body (or, in medical terms, “the babysack”).

  DAN’S TIPS FOR DADS-TO-BE

  Boy, pregnancy is tough! Even if the wife had the energy for sex, it’s kind of hard to reach her you-know-what with a baby in the way! Plus she’s always like, “I can’t believe you’re drinking coffee/boozing it up/smoking a cigar in front of me! That’s so thoughtless, Dan!” (Or whatever your own name is—if your wife is calling you by my name, you probably have bigger things to worry about! But maybe your wife should give me a call once she drops the pregnancy weight. Ha ha! Just kidding! Unless you’re into that kind of thing, in which case, contact me through the publisher!)

  Anyway, it doesn’t seem fair that we guys have to put up with all this, but that’s the hand Charles Darwin has dealt us. (He invented evolution!) And we have to play it, even if it’s got two jokers, and the joker isn’t wild but you only put it in the pack because you lost the two of clubs and so you had to write “two of clubs” on one joker in magic marker, and the other guy can read it through the back of the card so he knows what you have. I ’m not sure what the second joker represents but I bet it’s something bad! Anyway, pregnancy is kind of tough for women, too, so be a sensitive guy and do the right thing: Do all your boozing and smoking at work.

  Things You Did Before You Discovered You Were Pregnant

  If you tell your doctor that you drank a glass of wine before you realized you were pregnant, he will tell you, reassuringly, that a single glass of wine is unlikely to do any harm.

  However, once you know you’re pregnant, your doctor will tell you that no safe level of alcohol consumption during pregnancy has ever been established, and the safest course is not to drink any alcohol at all.

  You might conclude that much medical advice about pregnancy is guesswork, and based as much on a desire to avoid lawsuits as on sound scientific research. You would be wrong. The simple fact is that you can do anything you want during pregnancy, as long as you do not know you are pregnant. Like Wile E. Coyote as he strolls safely off a cliff, you and your baby are shielded by the remarkable protective powers of ignorance.

  The mechanism behind this phenomenon was a mystery for many years, until the recent discovery of a hormone known as “factlackin,” which your brain can generate only when it is not busy thinking about something else. By now, it is probably too late for you to avail yourself of this miracle hormone. As soon as this baby is born, though, consider taking the following steps to ensure that you are unaware of any future pregnancies:

  • Become morbidly obese.

  • Wear only muumuus.

  • Sign up to star in the reality show I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, thereby ensuring that your pregnancy ignorance is established contractually.

  FOREIGN PREGNANCY

  Once you understand the protective powers of ignorance, a whole range of mysteries will be cleared up. For example, if eating pâté is so risky during pregnancy, why are French babies as healthy as any others? If sushi is so dangerous for pregnant women, how have the Japanese endured? Because in French and Japanese, the word “pregnant” does not exist. True, a French woman might know she is enceinte, while, in more formal Japan, a woman might tell her husband, “Korega yometara, ura joku ni akusesu shita koto ni narimasu; Gaijin ni wa tagon muyo!”—but neither woman could know she is pregnant, because “pregnant” is an English word, and if it isn’t in English, it simply doesn’t count.

  “How amusing! There are two pink lines on this strange stick! Well, off to go smoke some cigarettes while skydiving.”

  CHAPTER 3

  The Condemned’s Last Hours: Preparing for Birth

  As your delivery date approaches, you will feel a wealth of confiicting emotions. On the one hand, you will be terrified of the immense responsibility of caring for a newborn child. On the other, you will be terrified of everything that can go wrong during delivery. Then again, you might also feel fear, apprehension, nervousness, and constipation. None of these emotions are cause for worry, unless you begin worrying about worrying about them, or, God forbid, worrying about worrying about worrying, in which case, you might be going insane, and you should begin making preparations to give your child up for adoption.1

  Otherwise, you will need to make preparations of a different sort. First, of course, you will need to choose a doctor.

  ____________

  1Justmakesureyourchildisn’tplacedinanorphanage,thehomeofhisnonmagicalauntanduncle,ortheriverNile.

  Scoping Out Your Medical Professionals

  Your obstetrician may assure you that he has a medical degree from Harvard—but which Harvarddoes he mean? The prestigious medical school in Cambridge, Massachusetts, or the maximum security penitentiary next door? It’s a little-known fact, but release forms from the penitentiary look exactly the same as degrees from the university. Before subjecting yourself to any prenatal care, demand that all doctors and nurses lift their shirts and allow you to check for prison tattoos.

  While you are examining every inch of their skin with a magnifying glass, also look for needle marks. However, keep in mind that not all crippling addictions leave visible signs.

  Left to right: heroin; crack cocaine; crystal meth; porn

  Your Birth Plan

  A “birth plan” is a document that answers any questions your doctor or midwife might have about your preferences. Do you plan on having an epi dural, or would you like to insist on a natural delivery until the pain gets to be too much and you want a fucking epidural RIGHT FUCKING NOW? Do you want a water birth? Would you like to eat the placenta, like Angelina Jolie does, even when the baby’s adopted?

  Your medical professional will carefully review your birth plan with you and your spouse, asking questions where it is necessary to fully understand your needs and preferences. Then he will ignore them and do whatever he wants. But thanks for all the tips, Ms. I-Didn’t-Spend-a-Decade-of-My-Life-Studying-Medicine-but-I-Still-Think-I-Know-Best.

  Page 473 of a typical birth plan

  Making a Playlist

  Many hospitals provide portable music devices, allowing you to play songs of your choice during labor. Some parents-to-be simply choose something soothing, but ask yourself this: Do you really want Enrique Iglesias to be the first human voice your baby ever hears?

  We recommend you choose music more appropriate to your goals for your child. You might, for example, choose “Hail to the Chief,” or the Olympic theme, or, for a more relaxed and folksy approach, a classic country-western hit like “You Can Take My Nobel Prize but Keep Your Cheatin’ Hands Off My Dog.”

  Whichever song you pick, you will then want to loop it endlessly for however long labor takes, lest “Hail to the Chief” not be playing at the precise moment of birth. The only drawback is that this may result in a certain amount of Pavlovian conditioning, causing intense cramping every time you watch a presidential address.

  Preparing Your Home

  Childproofing

  Childproofing your home is easy with this simple seven-step process:

  1. Look around your home and identify every single corner—corners can bruise your baby.

  2. Cover each corner with soft polyurethane foam.

  3. Look around your home and identify every single piece of polyure-thane foam—polyurethane polymer dust can cause irritation to your baby’s eyes and lungs.

  A typical living room before childproofing

  A typical living room after childproofing

  4. Cover every polyurethane foam surface with tig
ht-fitting Mylar film.

  5. Look around your home and identify ev-ery piece of Mylar film—Mylar film is a suffocation risk.

  6. Nail wood planking over all Mylar film.

  7. Look around your home and identify all wood planking—wood planking has sharp corners, which can bruise your baby.

  (Repeat process as necessary.)

  Or you can just move to the desert, where the rock surfaces have been rubbed smooth by millennia of sandstorms.

  Stocking up

  Well before baby comes home, you will want to purchase all of the clothing, toys, books, and other supplies he will need for the next twenty to thirty years. Your friends and family members will be happy to help, by sending you gifts that are just different enough from what you really need to be useless, but just close enough that you’ll feel guilty spending money on the thing you actually want.

  What you registered for.

  What you got.

  In deciding which products to purchase, safety must be your primary concern. Unfortunately, it is impossible to childproof toys, since the requisite layers of foam, Mylar, and wood would make them so big and heavy, they would fall on your baby and crush him whenever he tried to play with them.

  Instead, you will need to buy products that are safe from the very beginning. And how will you know a product is safe for your baby? It’s simple: It will have a picture of a baby on it.

  This water is completely safe for your baby.

  Every molecule in this bottle contains two atoms of hydrogen— the very same gas that caused the Hindenburg to explode.

  Upgrading

  When shopping, the sheer variety of options can be overwhelming. Obviously, you will need a solar-powered BPA-free wipe warmer—but which solar-powered BPA-free wipe warmer? Don’t fret. Simply buy the first one you see. Then, when you see a competing product, use the following chart to determine whether it is better. If so, buy it, too.

  Better Saf-T™ than Sorr-E!

  The above advice will eliminate 99 percent of the risks that your baby will face. Thanks to the law of diminishing returns, it would be impossible to eliminate 100 percent of the risks without spending thousands of dollars.

  Therefore, you should spend thousands of dollars.

  Specifically, you should spend thousands of dollars on the exclusive line of How Not to Kill Your Baby© Saf-T Produx™. Compare a can of patented How Not to Kill Your Baby© Saf-T Brand™ Infant Formula with Brand X. Just by glancing at the labels, you can tell that How Not to Kill Your Baby© Saf-T Brand™ Infant Formula is much better.

  And the improvements don’t stop there!

  On a microscopic scale, EVERYTHING has sharp edges.

  All How Not to Kill Your Baby© Saf-T Produx™ are coated with billions of nano-pillows, to make sure your baby is protected right down to the microscopic level!

  Choosing a Name

  If at all possible, try to choose your baby’s name in advance; parents who wait until after birth are frequently too exhausted by labor to make a sensible decision.

  Left to right: Whatever Peng; Don’tBotherMeIJustWantAFrickinShower Jones; and Asadkljhrw3rw Greenblatt-Gutierrez

  Every culture has its own method of naming children. In some, children are named in honor of living relatives. In many Jewish families, by contrast, children are named only in honor of deceased relatives. If you are Jewish, and a living relative of yours has a name you particularly like, you may need to encourage them to take up skydiving or shark wrestling. Indeed, it is a little known fact that Murder, Inc.—a famed group of Jewish hit men from the 1930s—was initially formed for the express purpose of freeing up popular first names.

  Remember, though: The most important thing when picking a name is not honoring your cultural heritage or creating a link between the generations. It is avoiding playground bullying. Before you pick a name, ask yourself, “Does this name sound like, look like, or abbreviate to anything remotely unflattering?” If the answer is “Yes,” you will need to find a new name for your child.

  Writing the Birth Announcement

  Many parents prefer to write the birth announcement before the child is born, and then fill in the details later. Few parents, however, realize that the announcement itself can be a source of danger to your child. Here are two sample announcements. Can you tell which one was written by parents who have taken proper precautions?

  CHAPTER 4

  Push harder, Damn It! The Miracle of Birth

  As you enter the ninth month, you will find yourself more and more ready to give birth. If you find yourself in the tenth or eleventh month, you may be even more eager. Don’t worry, though! Missing your due date is just nature’s way of telling you that you’re entirely unprepared for parenthood and you’ve made a terrible mistake. (Giving birth before your due date, by contrast, simply shows that you lack the patience to be a good parent, and you’ve made a terrible mistake.)

  “I don’t know what this does, Honey, but we’d better pack it just to be safe.”

  Packing Your Bags

  Well before you head to the hospital, make sure you have everything you’ll need for a smooth delivery:

  • A toothbrush and other overnight essentials

  • Baby’s first outfit

  • Baby’s second outfit, after baby spits up over baby’s first outfit

  • Baby’s third through fortieth outfits

  • Grappling hooks and rope to fasten yourself to the ground, in case a tornado pulls off the roof of the hospital

  • Suntan lotion, in case the roof-destroying tornado is immediately followed by blazing sunshine

  • Shark repellant, in case the sharks who have been plucked out of the ocean and dropped in the hospital parking lot by the tornado fiee inside to escape the blazing sun

  • Snacks

  DAN’S TIPS FOR DADS-TO-BE

  Buddy, right about now, your wife is going to feel like the Goodyear Blimp. And she’s going to look like it, too. But don’t tell her that! Because women—well, gosh, they can be awful sensitive! I nstead, try finding something positive to say. Like, “You must have a great view of the playing field from up there!”

  Arranging for Help

  Gone are the days when a pregnant mother arrived at the hospital with only her husband. Today’s couples have a wide range of professionals available to assist them:

  • A doula will offer you nonmedical support by giving you massages, keeping you hydrated, and helping you maintain a positive attitude.

  • A birth coach is similar to a doula, but if your attitude isn’t positive enough, he will order you to drop and give him twenty.

  • A hypnotherapist will help ease the pain of delivery without using anesthesia.

  Can’t afford a hypnotherapist? Don’t worry! Simply cut out these pictures and tape them to the insides of your eyelids.

  • A malpractice attorney will sue the doula, the birth coach, and the hypnotherapist when they crash into the doctor while jostling for position between your legs, sending your baby flying like a football.

  Labor: An Hour-by-Hour Guide

  Two Weeks to Two hours Before Labor

  Lightening occurs when the baby sinks lower into your pelvis. If the baby’s position has caused you discomfort in the previous months of pregnancy, lightening will grant you some relief, by causing you to feel an entirely different discomfort. The bloody show refers to the expulsion of the mucous sealing the cervix, unless you are Michael Caine, in which case it refers to any program on television.

  Braxton Hicks contractions can leave a woman wondering if labor has begun, but they are actually fairly easy to distinguish from real contractions. Simply wait ten years, then check the birthday of your ten-year-old child.

  Labor Begins

  The first stage of labor is broken up into three parts, because it’s just too much fun to restrict to one.

  1. During the early labor phase, you will feel mild contractions and your water may break, especially if you have just s
at down on an irreplaceable piece of antique furniture. During this stage, distract yourself with simple, relaxing activities, like assembling a crib from five pieces of particle board and three thousand nuts and bolts, all of which look identical but won’t fit unless you have found exactly the right one. Also, try breathing.

  2. During the active labor phase, your contractions will be stronger and closer together. Now is the time to head to the hospital. If you have chosen a home birth, you should nonetheless run out of your house, frantically hail a cab, and ask to be driven around the block a dozen times as quickly as possible, just so you don’t deprive yourself of the traditional “race to the hospital” suspense.

  3. During the transition phase, contractions will be extremely strong and intense, and by the end of it, your cervix will have dilated to about ten centimeters. You might imagine that such a large dilation would be enough for a newborn to pass easily through. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, are you in for a surprise!

  ALTERNATIVE VIEWS OF LABOR

  In recent years, alternative perspectives on labor have begun to spring up. Whether arguing for water birth, home birth, or some other possibility, advocates of these new viewpoints say that delivering a baby does not have to be quite as painful as is widely supposed. I ndeed, they argue that the very fear of pain may cause more pain, since tension causes muscles to tighten, including the vaginal muscles through which the baby must pass. Although they acknowledge that some discomfort is inevitable, they claim that the endless focus on the horrors of childbirth is at best misguided, and at worst the sign of an industry built around terrorizing pregnant women and new parents for profit.