How Not to Kill Your Baby Read online

  OTHER BOOKS BY

  JACOB SAGER WEINSTEIN

  The Government Manual for New Superheroes

  (with Matthew David Brozik)

  The Government Manual for New Wizards

  (with Matthew David Brozik)

  The Government Manual for New Pirates

  (with Matthew David Brozik)

  How Not to Kill Your Baby copyright © 2012 by Jacob Sager Weinstein. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

  Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC

  an Andrews McMeel Universal company

  1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

  www.andrewsmcmeel.com

  ISBN: 978-1-4494-1039-1

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2011932654

  Book Design by Diane Marsh

  ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES

  Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department: [email protected]

  IMPORTANT SAFETY WARNINGS:

  READ BEFORE OPERATING BOOK

  Your child’s safety is your responsibility. Read these safety warnings and keep them in mind at all times, even while sleeping.

  Book may present tripping hazard if left on ground.

  1. Never leave your child unattended with a book.

  2. Choking hazard if your child has a large, book-shaped mouth.

  3. Risk of electrocution. Do not read this book while flying a kite outside in an electrical storm standing with both feet in a bucket of salt water.

  Audio version of book may cause hearing loss if played at excessive volume.

  4. ALLERGY WARNING: This book is printed in a facility that also prints Peanuts.

  5. This book is not a toy. Do not put little lips on the side, then open and close the covers to make it speak.

  6. This book is an FCC class M device, and may cause interference if read aloud when the person next to you is trying to use the telephone.

  Transporting more than thirty copies of book in carry-on luggage may result in extra baggage handling fees, but it’s totally worth it.

  7. This book complies with all FAA regulations. It is safe to use on an airplane, unless you have purchased the special limited edition hewn from solid diamond, in which case, corners of book may cut airplane windows, resulting in sudden loss of cabin pressure.

  8. Do not read the following sentence while driving, as the display of filial affection may cause eye watering and subsequent impairment of vision: This book is dedicated to my parents, with love and gratitude.

  9. Do not permit children to tie book around neck for use as a superhero cape. Book does not enable user to fly.

  Reading of this book or other materials in a ring of fire may burn, burn, burn.

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: Things to Worry About Before Getting Pregnant

  Chapter 2: How Not to Kill Your Fetus

  Chapter 3: The Condemned’s Last Hours: Preparing for Birth

  Chapter 4: Push Harder, Damn It! The Miracle of Birth

  Chapter 5: The First, and Quite Possibly Last, Days

  Chapter 6: The First, and Almost Certainly Last, Months

  Chapter 7: Months Six Through Twelve, Unless You Have Already Killed Your Baby, in Which Case You Can Stop Reading Now

  Chapter 8: The Toddler Years: From “No No No” to “NO NO NO NO NO NO!”

  Chapter 9: Childhood’s Halcyon Days, and Other Terrors Beyond Imagining

  Afterword

  Image Credits

  Index

  INTRODUCTION

  Dear Parents-to-Be,1

  Ever since you received the good news, you’ve been subjected to an endless barrage of bad news, from dire warnings of dietary health risks to incessant pressure to follow the latest trendy parenting fad.

  This book is written in the commonsense belief that, no matter how much pressure society puts on you, it’s always possible to add more. Tons more. Hundreds of pages more, plus illustrations.

  So, read on.

  Unless you’re some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

  ____________

  1 Or,ifyouhavetakentheverysensibleprecautionofreadingthisbookbefore gettingpregnant,“Parents-to-be-to-be.”

  CHAPTER 1

  Things to Worry About Before Getting Pregnant

  When Should You Conceive?

  Choosing when to get pregnant is the very first decision you will make as a parent. Take a look at this time line.

  A casual glance at the timeline may suggest there is no good time to bear children. But look more closely. There—right between the teens and twenties:

  That’s right: The only correct time to get pregnant is on your twentieth birthday. And we mean exactly. If you were born at 4 a.m. on June 28 and you wait until 4:01 a.m., you’ve missed your chance and you shouldn’t even bother.1

  Using Alternative Methods of Conception

  For some couples, conceiving a child through intercourse may prove difficult. If traditional, missionary-style intercourse doesn’t do the trick, don’t be afraid to try different positions, or locations, or sexual acts, which might not seem procreative and might even seem anti-procreative, because what if that was it? New science also suggests that fertility appears to benefit from a “performance effect” if videotaped.

  If these additional techniques do not bring success, you may be tempted to use an alternative method of conception. Before you take this drastic and highly risky action, please consider the following table.

  Six Examples of People Who Were Born Through Alternative Methods of Conception or Delivery and the Terrifying Consequences for Everybody Involved

  Conceiving by Rubbing Two Delicate Body Parts That Are highly Sensitive to Pain Against Each Other

  Now that you know the horrible dangers of any method other than traditional intercourse, it is time to contemplate the horrible dangers of traditional intercourse. These include:

  Sexually transmitted diseases. Fortunately, these are easy to avoid. Since no known STD has an incubation period longer than ten years, simply take the common-sense precaution of locking your partner in a chastity belt for a decade before so much as holding hands.

  Chastity belts (his and hers)

  Since the correct age to conceive is twenty, choosing your partners ten years in advance requires being engaged at age ten. See the sidebar for tips on how to do this.

  Emotional attachment. Orgasm results in the release of a hormone known as “oxytocin,” which stimulates feelings of well-being and contentment. These emotions are probably harmless, unless, of course, they lower your alertness so much that you fail to notice your house is on fire, in which case, they will kill you. More alarmingly, oxytocin stimulates emotional attachment, which is why every time you have sex, you put yourself at risk of falling for a good-looking loner who has seduced you only to frame you for murder.

  “Hi, honey. I brought you some flowers. Oh, and would you mind putting your fingerprints on this handgun?”

  CHOOSING THE PERFECT PARENT

  Yes, picking the future father or mother of your child from among your fellow fourth-graders may be a challenge. But it is one you must undertake if you hope to one day know the joy of seeing your own ten-year-old child engaged to a loving and supportive life partner. Here’s a quick visual guide to help you choose the future
mother or father of your child:

  Pros:Funlovingandartistic.

  Cons:Thosehandsmaybegenetic.

  Pros: Thoughtfulandquiet.

  Cons: Evenadecadelater,traceelements ofdandelionpollenmaycauseanaphylacticshockinnewborns.

  Pros: LikelytofatherfutureNobelPrizewinners.

  Cons: Likelytofatherfuturevictimsofplaygroundbullying.

  Physical attachment. Sexual intercourse can lead to a condition known as coitus captivus, in which the man and woman are unable to detach themselves after climax. Your doctor will no doubt tell you he has never seen a case of this and doubts it is even possible, but ask yourself this: If it weren’t possible, why would they have a name for it?

  Melvin and Betty have been stuck together since 1964.

  Eternal damnation. Virtually every major religion agrees: Intercourse outside of marriage results in eternal damnation for both partners. But did you know that it can also result in damnation for any resulting children, according to many faiths, which nobody can prove are false? Before any sexual contact, you will therefore want to take the following simple precautions:

  1. Get out your marriage license and confirm that the signature of the officiating clergy member has not faded; if it has, your marriage is no longer valid in the eyes of the Lord.

  2. Hire a private detective to investigate the officiant to ensure that you were not married by a zany morning-zoo DJ who was only pretending to be a priest for the amusement of his listeners.

  3. Contact your local government to confirm that gay marriage has not been legalized in your area, as a single gay marriage is enough to desanctify every heterosexual relationship within a hundred miles. If you are downstream from any godless cities or states, gay marriage may even have leaked into your water supply which means that you could literally be bathing in sin. Consider having a water filter installed; make sure that it has an activated carbon outtake chamber and an intake valve made out of a pure communion wafer.

  DAN’S TIPS FOR DADS-TO-BE

  Hi there! My name is Dan, and if you’re anything like me, you’re a guy! And that means that you can’t possibly understand anything about pregnancy unless it has lots of sports metaphors and exclamation marks!

  That’s why the eggheads who wrote this book have brought me in as a pinch hitter. Only instead of waiting for “the bottom of the ninth,” I’m coming in at “the top of the first”—the first month, that is! Of pregnancy! Specifically, your wife’s pregnancy! (With me so far? Do you need more exclamation points or anything? No? Great!)

  Now, they’re still going to include information for dads in the main body of the text, but don’t worry! Whenever things get too complicated for knuckleheaded lunks like you and me, I’ll pop up to give the play-by-play. Just think of me as the John Madden of your wife’s hoo-ha! Good luck, and see you soon!

  Adoption

  As you can see, however you choose to conceive a child, you are probably doing it wrong. You may, therefore, be tempted to let somebody else do it for you. You may, in other words, wish to adopt, giving a child the safe and loving home he would otherwise never know, and passing on to him the wisdom and values that are so much more valuable than any genetic inheritance. This can only end badly.

  Conclusions

  The earliest stage of the reproductive process is a time of anticipation and hope, but it can also be one of fear and concern. By now, though, you should know that there’s nothing to worry about, as long as you don’t obtain your child through sex, through science, or through adoption. Good luck, and remember: The important thing is to enjoy the journey!

  Even if it’s a journey down a bottomless pit filled with horrors.

  ____________

  1 And, needless to say, we can’t advise you to conceive ten seconds before your twentieth birthday, because what kind of sicko condones teen pregnancy?

  CHAPTER 2

  How Not to Kill Your Fetus

  Congratulations! You’re Pregnant!

  At least, you might be pregnant, because the most common signs of pregnancy are also symptoms of horrible diseases.

  Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Or clinically insane!

  If you have any of the above symptoms, put down this book at once and call your doctor, even if he’s in Hawaii celebrating his twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. If he insists that your symptoms are healthy signs of a normal pregnancy, keep calling him until he acknowledges that you’re horribly ill and there’s nothing he can do for you, possibly using the phrase “For God’s sake, stop calling! You’re making me yell and it’s scaring the fire dancers!” This is simply a technical medical term that means “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re going to die.”

  However, assuming your pregnancy isn’t accompanied by morning sickness, frequent urination, food cravings, or a positive pregnancy test, you have nothing to worry about. Please feel free to read the rest of this chapter.

  Proper fork placement for women carrying quadruplets

  Nutrition During Pregnancy

  For the next nine months, every time you sit down to eat a meal, you’ll need to remember that you’re eating for two. That means you’ll need to use twice as much silverware.

  It also means you’ll need to exhaustively research the nutritional impact of everything you put in your mouth, including any stray molecules you inhale. For this reason, make sure that you carry a mass spectrometer with you at all times.

  Larger items of food may safely be identified purely by visual means. Simply refer to this guide.

  Other Hazards

  Cell Phones

  Although no reputable studies have suggested that cell phone use is hazardous during pregnancy, we feel it is worth mentioning that we knew this one lady who used her cell phone all the time, and her baby came out with a soft spot right on the top of his head, so it may be wise to take suitable precautions.

  Correct use of a cell phone during pregnancy

  Incorrect use

  Television

  Did you ever sit less than three feet away from the TV? If so, start saving up for a lifetime of corrective lens purchases, because this is what your children are going to look like:

  Please note that the three-feet rule describes the distance between the television set and the far end of the relevant reproductive organ. Men, therefore, must sit three feet away, plus an additional distance depending on the length of the penis. Assuming an average penis size of 11.5 inches, the minimum safe distance for men is about four feet.

  Every time he got excited, Roderick had to move an additional eighteen inches away from the TV.

  SPECIAL EDITIONS

  At How Not to Kill Your Baby Publications, Amalgamated, the safety of your baby is our highest concern. That’s why this book was made entirely without the use of exploding staples. You’ll get no such promise from What to Expect When You’re Expecting.

  Despite our high standards, we’ve had to make some compromises to make this book available to the average consumer.

  For example, our initial plan to surround the sharp edges of each page with six inches of foam padding proved impractical, since it would make every copy of the book roughly fifteen feet thick.

  Still, we recognize that some consumers will require a greater level of safety. For them, we are pleased to announce How Not to Kill Your Baby: Special Edition. Printed on paper made from organic trees, bound in leather made from vegan cows, the Special Edition represents the state of the art in literary safety. It is available from all quality booksellers for only $49.95.

  For an extra $300, you may even purchase an edition written without the use of the letter “e,” whose sharp tail could theoretically poke out the eye of a very sensitive child who is looking at the page really, really closely. How Not to Kill Your Baby: A Form of This Book That Is Not Risky At All on Account of Omitting That Sharp ABC Thing That Follows “D” is available by special order.

  Prenatal Diagnostic Tests

&n
bsp; Once upon a time, parents-to-be had to worry that their children would be born with some sort of debilitating condition. But thanks to the wonders of modern science, parents can now spend huge amounts of money on prenatal testing, and then worry that their children will be born with something that the tests didn’t catch.

  Prenatal tests can be invasive (such as a vaginal ultrasound) or noninvasive (such as a regular ultrasound, which just involves taking off your shirt and letting a stranger smear jelly on your stomach before sending sound waves into your body to retrieve an image of your unborn child, and, really, what could be invasive about that?)

  “So is this the first time you’ve had a vaginal ultrasound?”

  With new tests available every year, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. A mother-to-be could take a different test every day of her pregnancy, and still not take them all. That’s why it’s vital to take at least two different tests every day. If your child is going to be afflicted with Shellfish-Triggered Left-handed Albino Narcolepsy, don’t you want to know now, so you can begin preparing? Those left-handed oyster-free sunlamps with built-in alarm clocks aren’t going to buy themselves.