Hottest Heads of State Read online

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Let’s see. I have a few boxes of important papers, a bunch of silver, my favorite red drapes, and a random clock. I think that’s everything. Let’s go be refugees!

  (DOLLEY MADISON picks up a box and starts walking toward the door. As she passes the portrait of George Washington, she stops to stare at it for a moment. Then she drops the box with a loud thud.)

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Uh oh.

  PAUL JENNINGS

  (wearily) What’s ‘uh oh’?

  DOLLEY MADISON

  We forgot to pack this painting of George Washington!

  PAUL JENNINGS

  You mean … this painting here? The one that is eight feet tall and screwed to the wall?

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Yes!

  PAUL JENNINGS

  I don’t know if I’d say we “forgot” to pack it. I think it’s more like “we accurately assessed that there is no time to pack it.”

  DOLLEY MADISON

  But I decided just now that it is a symbol of everything America stands for! We can’t let it fall into the hands of the British.

  SUKEY

  Mrs. Madison, it is a very nice painting, but I’m worried that if we stay here any longer we will be killed. Even the mayor has come by, twice, to beg you to leave.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Ah yes, I remember that. It was earlier today!

  SUKEY

  And what about those terrifying letters you’ve been getting from British admiral George Cockburn?

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Oh, that reminds me—I just received another letter from him today!

  (Pulls a letter out of pocket and starts reading.)

  “DEAR DOLLEY MADISON,

  REMEMBER HOW IN MY LAST LETTER I SAID I WAS GOING TO BURN DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE WITH YOU IN IT? WELL FORGET ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT SOME MORE AND DECIDED THAT INSTEAD I’M GOING TO CAPTURE YOU AND PARADE YOU THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON WHILE PEOPLE THROW TOMATOES AT YOU. AND NOT IN A NICE WAY LIKE ‘HERE IS A DELICIOUS TOMATO FOR YOU TO EAT,’ BUT IN A MEAN WAY, LIKE ‘HERE IS A TOMATO, AND I HATE YOU.’

  LOVE, ADMIRAL GEORGE COCKBURN”

  SUKEY

  See? That’s what I’m talking about it! Just forget about the painting—we need to get as far away from here as possible.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  But don’t you see? If the British capture this painting of George Washington, it will be exactly as if they captured George Washington himself.

  PAUL JENNINGS

  (after a pause) Actually … that’s not how paintings work.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  I hate to pull rank on you, but as the only person here who is not a slave I am going to have to insist that we carry this painting with us. By which of course I mean that you will carry it.

  (CHARLES CARROLL enters, looking harried.)

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Ah, it’s my good friend Charles Carroll! Not the Charles Carroll who signed the Declaration of Independence, of course, but his cousin who is also named Charles Carroll.

  CHARLES CARROLL

  Um, yes…I know who I am. Anyway, I just came over to escort you out of town, as promised. I saw that your wagon was packed full of drapes, so you must be all ready to go now?

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Oh Mr. Carroll, I’m so glad you’re here. You can help us get this painting down from the wall.

  CHARLES CARROLL

  This…wait, we’re doing what now?

  (END OF SCENE)

  Scene 2

  SETTING: The White House dining room, half an hour later.

  AT RISE: DOLLEY MADISON is supervising while PAUL JENNINGS tries to unscrew the painting from the wall. He is helped by FRENCH JOHN, the doorman, and THOMAS MCGRAW, the gardener.

  FRENCH JOHN

  Mrs. Madison, it’s going to take us forever to unscrew this painting from the wall. And you know that it’s just a copy of the original Gilbert Stuart painting, right? I feel like no one is talking about that.

  THOMAS MCGRAW

  And I’m just the gardener, so I don’t really see why I need to be here at all…

  (CHARLES CARROLL enters, looking panicked.)

  CHARLES CARROLL

  Mrs. Madison, my carriage is waiting outside. We really must leave right now.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  We’re almost done, Mr. Carroll, no thanks to you! Now, if we can’t unscrew the painting from the wall, we’ll have to cut it out of its frame. But let’s go very, very slowly so we don’t accidentally damage the painting. I mean, really slowly.

  (FRENCH JOHN uses a hatchet to break the outer frame, whatever that is, and PAUL JENNINGS starts cutting out the canvas with a knife.)

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Slower.

  PAUL JENNINGS

  (groaning) There.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  It is done!

  CHARLES CARROLL

  OK, let’s get out of here.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Wait! First I want to write all of this down in a letter to my sister.

  (END OF SCENE)

  Scene 3

  SETTING: Outside, in front of the White House.

  AT RISE: FRENCH JOHN and PAUL JENNINGS walk outside carrying the painting, followed by DOLLEY MADISON, THOMAS MCGRAW, SUKEY, and ANYONE ELSE I’M FORGETTING. CHARLES CARROLL is in his carriage.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Uh oh.

  PAUL JENNINGS

  I’m going to pretend I did not just hear you say “uh oh.”

  DOLLEY MADISON

  I just realized that if I am captured, the painting will be captured along with me!

  CHARLES CARROLL

  Yes. In fact, that might happen right here, on the White House porch, while we are standing around talking about it.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  (calling to passersby) Excuse me, gentlemen!

  (TWO RANDOM GUYS walk over.)

  DOLLEY MADISON

  I was wondering if you would mind holding onto this painting for me, so that the British do not get ahold of it? Wait … you’re not British yourselves, are you?

  ONE OF THE RANDOM GUYS

  No ma’am. At least, not yet.

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Perfect. Now, you should know that I recently decided this painting is a symbol of our entire country, so it’s pretty important. Under no circumstances should it fall into the hands of the British. Save it if possible, but if not, destroy it.

  CHARLES CARROLL

  Destroy it? If destroying it was an option, why didn’t we just destroy it ourselves an hour ago?

  (RANDOM GUYS take the painting and walk off.)

  DOLLEY MADISON

  Yay, I’m a hero!

  CHARLES CARROLL

  (sarcastic) Oh yes. I’m sure Americans will be talking about this heroic act of bravery and valor for generations.

  (Everyone climbs into the carriage, and the carriage departs.)

  DOLLEY MADISON

  (from off-stage) Uh oh. I forgot my parrot!

  (END OF SCENE)

  THE END

  JAMES MONROE

  1817–1825 | Democratic-Republican

  You know that rush of good feelings you just felt? The one that’s making you tingle all over? It’s because you’ve just come to James Monroe.

  Monroe’s presidency is known as the Era of Good Feelings because it was a brief period when we were fighting about politics slightly less than usual. The Federalist Party had all but ceased to exist after it came to be seen as un-American for opposing the War of 1812. (After all, what is more American than going to war with Britain?) With only one political party left, Monroe believed he had witnessed the end of partisan politics forever. (Shh—let’s not spoil it for him!)

  Monroe might not be our flashiest president.* And he is definitely not our smartest president.** But he is warm, sensitive, and not as pretentious as you would expect given his obsession with France.r />
  *That would be Chester A. Arthur, but he’s nothing to write home about, either. You can try writing home about him, but your mom will mark all of your letters “return to sender.”

  **According to a psychologist who estimated IQs for each of the presidents, Monroe is one of the least smart presidents. He is also not a very smart dresser, but we didn’t need a psychologist to tell us that.

  Let’s Talk About Clothes

  Sometimes people get stuck in fashion ruts, like your dental hygienist who wears a scrunchie. That’s how James Monroe is. In the year 1820, he’s still dressing like it’s 1805! And yet he persists in wearing buckled shoes and knee breeches, even though they make him look like a time traveler from the very recent past.

  IT’S EASY TO CONFUSE JAMES MONROE WITH JAMES MADISON.

  If you have trouble telling them apart, just remember that James Madison is the short one, and James Monroe is the one about whom you know nothing.

  Why You’ll Love Him

  He’ll protect you from foreign entanglements. So if you want to date the King of Spain, you’ll need to tell James Monroe to back off. If that doesn’t work, hiss at him, like a cat.

  He knows how to acquire weapons. While studying at the College of William and Mary, Monroe was part of a group of students who raided the royal governor’s mansion and stole over 200 muskets and 300 swords. Which raises a lot of questions, mostly about why the governor was keeping so many muskets and swords at his house.

  He’s a Francophile. Monroe is like your college roommate who spent one semester in France and now won’t stop talking about how pointy the Eiffel Tower is.

  He’s a soldier. Remember when George Washington crossed the Delaware River on Christmas Day to launch a sneak attack on the Hessian army? James Monroe was there, too! Not in the same boat though. It’s not a good idea to put a bunch of future presidents all in one boat.

  He’ll go into personal debt for his country. Which is more important—having money, or having a noble husband who incurs huge amounts of debt in the course of serving his country?

  ANSWER: Having money.

  Sort-of Fun Facts

  In what came to be called the Monroe Doctrine, James Monroe announced that the US would not tolerate any more European interference in the Americas. And that’s why to this day Norway can’t establish a colony in your driveway, however much it might want to.

  At the Battle of Trenton, Monroe almost died after he was hit in the shoulder by a musket ball and it severed an artery. A doctor saved his life by clamping the artery shut. There—now you know how to treat severed arteries! We bet you can’t wait to put that one to use.

  Monroe came very close to fighting a duel with Alexander Hamilton. Eventually they were talked out of it by—wait for it—Aaron Burr.

  Here’s a Tip

  Do you have any friends you’d like to rescue from prison? Sure, we all do. But before you waste a perfectly good cake by baking a hacksaw into it, here is something else you can try:

  1. PUT ON YOUR NICEST CLOTHES—LIKE A TUXEDO, OR YOUR WEDDING DRESS.

  2. RENT A FANCY CAR. MAYBE ONE OF THOSE LIMOS WITH A HOT TUB IN THE BACK.

  3. VISIT YOUR FRIEND IN PRISON.

  The warden will be so intimidated that he might decide to let your friend go. This is basically how James Monroe’s wife rescued the Marquis de Lafayette’s wife from a Parisian prison during the French Revolution. Monroe also funneled money to the marquise so that she could travel to Austria and reunite with her husband. Who was in prison. But the Austrian emperor gave her special permission to join her husband in prison, which she did. And they lived there together, in solitary confinement, for two years. Oh, and their daughters were there, too. (If you’re thinking this would be a great premise for a sitcom, then you need to back off and stop stealing our ideas for sitcoms.)

  FAMOUS FRIENDS

  Every pair of best friends has a third friend who is always hanging around, trying to horn in on their friendship. And in many cases, that friend is James Monroe.

  That’s how it is for renowned super-friends Thomas Jefferson and James Madison. Jefferson and Madison are two of the most brilliant minds of their era. In contrast, Monroe is really brilliant at shooting squirrels. Sometimes they all get along, and sometimes Monroe tries to edge Madison out. Take, for example, the time Monroe voted against ratifying the Constitution. You guys, Madison wrote the Constitution. How would you feel if one of your friends refused to ratify something you’d written? You’d probably be pretty mad. Since when does your grocery list need to be ratified?

  Pop QUIZ

  What Is the Missouri Compromise?

  a. When you and your spouse are arguing over where to move, but you agree to take Missouri off the list.

  b. A deal struck by Congress that admitted Missouri to the Union as a slave state but prohibited slavery in all other territories north of the 36°30’ parallel. It also conjured Maine into existence.

  c. Just like “going Dutch” means to split the bill on a date, a “Missouri Compromise” is when one person pays for dates north of the 36°30’ parallel, and the other person pays for dates south of the 36°30’ parallel.

  d. When you have a disagreement with someone from Missouri, and he offers to settle it by flipping a coin, so you give him a coin, and he runs off with it. You’ve just been “Missouri Compromised”!

  Answer:

  The answer is (b). It was one of several failed attempts to settle the national dispute over slavery by agreeing to have the United States be just a little bit of a slave nation, just as one can be just a little bit pregnant.

  Favorite Pickup Line

  “Just lie back and relax. The Era of Good Feelings is about to start.”

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 4

  He does have a very cute dimple on his chin. As he leans in toward you, just try to focus your eyes on that.

  Physique: 7

  Monroe is tall, broad, and comes with a free musket ball lodged in his shoulder, like the prize in a box of cereal.

  Charisma: 4

  You know you’re not very charismatic when you lose an election to James Madison.

  Jailbreaks: 8

  While serving as Minister to France, Monroe not only helped free the Marquis de Lafayette’s wife from prison, he also convinced French revolutionaries to release Thomas Paine. So if you get put in prison in France, try dropping Monroe’s name and see if that does the trick. (If you don’t know how to speak French, what you want to say is “Le fantôme vengeur du président américain James Monroe va me libérera et vous tuer tous.”)

  JOHN QUINCY ADAMS

  1825–1829 | Democratic-Republican

  AW, LOOK—HE LIKES YOU!

  The expression “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” will never feel more true than when you’re dating John Quincy Adams. After you haven’t seen him for a few months, you’ll forget all about how moody and controlling he is and just remember the good stuff, like how he has really pointy eyebrows. As the weeks go by, you might even find yourself taking out a miniature portrait of him so you can gaze at it for a while, and … eh, actually, let’s just put that back in the drawer. Maybe instead you should reread his most recent letter—you know, the one where he calls you shallow and immature? No? Never mind, then!

  The good news is that John Quincy Adams is absent a lot, so you’ll have plenty of opportunities to grow fond of him. As a prominent diplomat, he travels all over the world, and sometimes you won’t be invited. Other times you are invited, but your children aren’t, and then you don’t get to see them for six years. So maybe don’t get too attached to your children. (Which is good advice anyway when you’re living in the 19th century.)

  Part of what makes John Quincy Adams so difficult to live with is that he despises everything pleasurable, like spending money and being lazy, and he only enjoys things that are unpleasant, like cold baths and working for the government. He’s also pretty bossy. One time his wife, Louisa, decided to put on
a little blush before going to a party. When Adams saw it, he wiped it right off her face. Another time she wouldn’t let him wipe it off, so he left for the party without her. So much for having a fun night out in Prussia!

  But this is the price you have to pay to be in a relationship with the most brilliant man ever elected president and the greatest diplomat in our nation’s history. So it sort of balances out, right?

  If you haven’t figured it out yet, John Quincy Adams is John Adams’s son. What a crazy coincidence that they would both become president!

  Let’s Talk About Clothes

  John Quincy Adams was the first president to wear pants. That’s right—pants! You don’t even want to know what all of those other presidents were doing before pants came along.

  IT IS I, ABIGAIL ADAMS, ADDRESSING YOU FROM THE PAST THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THIS BOOK. HELLO! THAT IS ALL I HAD TO SAY.

  John Quincy Adams was almost engaged to a woman named Mary Frazier, but his mom convinced him to call it off. He was crushed and remained bitter about it for years. But the real heartbreak is that our sixth president was so easily pushed around by his mom.

  Why You’ll Love Him

  He’ll assign you reading lists. Remember how in school, your teachers made you spend summer vacation reading a bunch of boring books? You’ve had a sweet taste of what it’s like to date John Quincy Adams!

  He’ll make you send him written progress reports on the aforementioned reading lists. It’s just like your sexy-but-stern professor fantasy, but without the “sexy” part. (He makes up for it, though, by being extra stern!)

  There’s an alligator living in his bathtub. The Marquis de Lafayette gave John Quincy Adams an alligator. You like alligators, right? Great! Maybe just use the bathroom before you come over.