Hottest Heads of State Read online

  Free your children from slavery. Jefferson will keep this promise, but keep in mind that he is only referring to children you have with him, and not any other children he is enslaving. When Jefferson’s slave Sally Hemings went to Paris with him, once she set foot on French soil she was legally free. But Jefferson convinced her to return to Virginia with him by offering a deal: She would continue to be enslaved, and any children they had together would be enslaved, but he would free those children on their 21st birthdays. This does not sound like such a hot deal! But it’s probably pretty easy for a genius philosopher statesman to talk an uneducated, pregnant teenager into a bad deal.

  Why You’ll Love Him

  He will be cool with your “hobby” of “amateur wine connoisseur.” By the end of Jefferson’s presidency, his wine bill was more than $10,000. In 1809 dollars! If he had invested that money in an interest-bearing account at 5 percent a year, then by 2018 it would have been worth more than half a billion dollars. That really gives you something to think about the next time you buy a bottle of wine. Specifically, you can think, “I sure do care more about having a glass of wine than I do about literally anything that might happen in 200 years.”

  He will fight pirates for you. Like most people, you probably have a hard time relaxing because you’re stressing so hard about pirates. Well, just days after his inauguration, Jefferson launched America’s first foreign war—on the “Barbary Pirates” who infested the Mediterranean. So now you can rest easy: The next time you book passage on a ship through the Mediterranean, you’ll be safe from piracy. (Well, relatively safe. You can never be truly safe from pirates until you become one.)

  He’s sentimental. Jefferson’s wife, Martha, passed away at the age of 33. (She was a woman and this was the 18th century, so at the risk of stating the obvious, she died from general ill health and exhaustion after giving birth to her seventh child.) For decades afterward, Jefferson wore a locket with a lock of her hair. (At least, everyone assumed it was Martha’s hair.)

  He’s a polymath. Jefferson is good at lots of things, including architecture, astronomy, the law, starting new countries, and playing the violin. (On the other hand, things Jefferson was not good at include “personal finance” and “keeping his hands off the nanny,” so you’re going to have to decide how important a violin-playing boyfriend is to have.)

  He’s a philosopher. Just like you, Jefferson’s worldview has been shaped by Enlightenment thinkers like Locke and Montesquieu. In their natural state, are humans inclined to be reasonable and tolerant? Or, as Hobbes would have us believe, are people so inherently flawed that without a strong state their lives are nasty, brutish and short? That’s just one of the many things you and Jefferson can discuss when you’re lying down, exhausted, after doing something nasty, brutish and short.

  He’ll purchase the Louisiana Purchase for you. But wait—it’s not just Louisiana! The Louisiana Purchase also included Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, parts of North and South Dakota, Montana, Colorado, and Wyoming. Does that sweeten the pot for you at all? No? Oh.

  Jefferson maintained an impressive 6,500-volume library at Monticello. Scratch and sniff inside this box to see what a book in his library might have smelled like!

  While Jefferson was pursuing Maria Cosway in Paris he tried to show off for the much-younger woman by vaulting a fence, but instead he fell and permanently injured his wrist. This might be the most ridiculous thing any Founding Father ever did. But she went out with him anyhow, because if you wanted to date an American Founding Father in 1780s Paris, it was either Jefferson or Benjamin Franklin.

  Timeline: Thomas Jefferson, Inventor

  In the late 18th century there was still a lot of stuff that hadn’t been invented yet, which is why so many Founding Fathers were successful inventors. Let’s take a stroll through the decades with Thomas Jefferson as he occasionally takes time off from mismanaging his plantation to invent stuff.

  (NOTE: Jefferson opposed the patent system and refused to file patents on his inventions. This can make it hard to know which things he actually invented. But on the plus side, it means there might be an opportunity for you to cash in on some of his inventions.)

  Swivel Chair 1776

  This is a legitimately amazing and important invention. Plus, historians think Jefferson was sitting in his newly invented spinning chair when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. So if you want to picture him taking breaks to spin around while writing it, you are probably picturing an actual historic event.

  The Great Clock 1792

  Sometimes, when you’re independently wealthy, it’s hard to remember what day of the week it is. But Thomas Jefferson was not the kind of idly rich man to let a problem like that remain unsolved. His solution involved several cannonballs and a giant Chinese gong that could be heard from three miles away.

  Spherical Sundial 1809

  Jefferson could see far into his country’s future, and he knew there was one thing America would need in the years to come: a slightly better sundial.

  Turning Machine C. 1785

  Why have a straight, horizontal closet rod when you could have a helix rod that goes from top to bottom, thus using your closet’s entire vertical space? This was a weird question for someone with a tiny wardrobe who lived in a gigantic mansion to be asking, but Jefferson asked it anyhow.

  Moldboard of Least Resistance 1794

  We’re not going to try to jazz this one up. It’s just a plow.

  Jefferson’s Disk 1795

  When Jefferson was ambassador to France, he invented the “Jefferson’s Disk,” a handheld mechanical device for encoding and decoding messages. It’s just what you need for sending secret messages to Thomas Jefferson, like “Thomas, I hate using this stupid device and I am going to plow it under with a Moldboard of Least Resistance.”

  Revolving Bookstand 1810

  Let’s say you want to set this book down while you read, so that both your hands are free to lift weights. AND let’s say you want to have FIVE copies of this book open at once, so you can cross-reference all the times we recycle the same jokes. Thomas Jefferson has anticipated your need.

  How to Win His Heart

  Presidential historians have mapped three separate routes to Thomas Jefferson’s heart.

  Be his cousin. This goes without saying, as this is a route to every president’s heart. Jefferson married his third cousin Martha on New Year’s Day in 1772, because who doesn’t want to get married when they’re tired and hung over from New Year’s Eve? The 23-year-old Martha was already a widow, having lost her husband Bathurst Skelton. Who, based on his name, was presumably a cartoon character.

  Be his slave. And not in the Britney Spears sense, although if you can do some sort of sexy dance with a snake it wouldn’t hurt.

  Be a young, beautiful artist with a sexy foreign accent. If this describes you, you can have your pick of men, including Thomas Jefferson. While in Paris, Jefferson met Maria Cosway, an Italian-English painter and composer. He was immediately attracted to her beauty and intellect—plus, it gave him an opportunity to stick it to the British, since her husband was British.

  Maria also introduced Jefferson to her friend Angelica Schuyler (yes, that Angelica Schuyler), which sets up an amazing historical “what if” scenario: What if Maria Cosway and Angelica Schuyler had killed and eaten Jefferson?

  A Fake Interview with Thomas Jefferson

  Thomas Jefferson’s political career was plagued by accusations of francophilia. Read below as we tackle this sensitive subject.

  Q: Should we call you President Jefferson? Or would you feel more at home if we used Monsieur le Président?

  A: Would you like to conduct the interview in French? I’d be happy to. It’s one of the seven languages I speak, along with English, German, Italian, Anglo-Saxon, Greek, and Latin.

  Q: WE BET YOU’D LIKE TO CONDUCT THE INTERVIEW IN FRENCH! But that’s a big non, mister. This is America and we’ll speak English. French is
for impersonating Miss Piggy, and Latin is for saying “carpe diem” when I have a second piece of pie.

  A: So … did you have any questions?

  Q: You were in Paris from 1784 to 1789. Just what exactly were you doing there for so long?

  A: I was the American ambassador to France.

  Q: Sounds like real a hardship post, having to live in Paris instead of rural Virginia.

  A: Now you sound like you like France more than America. Do you like France more than America?

  Q: We’re asking the questions here! Do you admit that you tried to get the United States to align with France instead of Great Britain, our nation’s closest, most special friend?

  A: Yes, absolutely. Keep in mind that it had been only a few years since we fought a war against Great Britain, and it would be only a few years more before we fought another one.

  Q: We don’t even know what you’re talking about. But anyway, do you admit that you were in Paris for the storming of the Bastille, and that you let the Marquis de Lafayette and other revolutionaries hold planning meetings at your house? How can you associate yourself with such a bloodthirsty, chaotic rebellion?

  A: Well, I thought the French Revolution was pretty great, and I think an occasional bloody uprising is necessary in any free country. It’s like I said after Shays’ Rebellion in 1787: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.”

  Q: Why would you refresh a tree with manure?

  A: … What would you refresh it with?

  Q: We don’t know. But not manure. We’d probably just leave it alone. Trees seem pretty self-sufficient.

  A: I have to be honest: I’m not really a good farmer. I could be way off base on this whole “refresh your trees with manure” thing.

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 8

  Jefferson looks pretty handsome in all his portraits. As he should, if he’s the one paying the artist. If J.D. ever commissions a portrait of himself, people who see it are going to ask “Why do you own an oil painting of Brad Pitt?”

  Physique: 8

  One of Jefferson’s workers at Monticello described him as “Six feet two and a half inches high, well proportioned, and straight as a gun barrel. He was like a fine horse—he had no surplus flesh.” Which is a weird way to describe your boss, but maybe it was end-of-the-year bonus time.

  Charisma: 3

  Jefferson has a problem with mumbling. (Specifically, the problem is that he mumbles. He has no problem with it if you mumble.)

  Sense of irony: 1

  When Jefferson’s presidency ended, he said he felt like “a prisoner, released from his chains.” Ha! If you say so, Mr. President!

  JAMES MADISON

  1809–1817 | Democratic-Republican

  Perhaps you’re in the market for a tiny president whom you can carry around in your purse, popping his head out occasionally to grumble about government tyranny. Allow us to introduce James Madison!

  Sometimes great things come in small packages. Other times, shy and sickly things come in small packages. The point is, you don’t know what is going to be inside of a small package until you elect it president. James Madison is a genius politician, but he’s also nervous, prone to hypochondria, and got us into the War of 1812. (If you’re not sure which war that was, it’s the one that started in 1812.)

  We know he doesn’t sound amazing on paper. (At least, not on this piece of paper.) But Madison still managed to marry a woman who is gorgeous, vivacious, and—as if that weren’t enough—great at saving paintings.

  Actual size: 5’4”

  Why You’ll Love Him

  He’s a nerd. You are reading a book about the U.S. presidents for fun right now, so don’t try to tell us you’re not into nerds.

  He’s the Father of the Constitution. You say you’re not interested in guys with kids, but what if that kid was over 200 years old and made of paper?

  You can give him piggyback rides. As your legs and back grow stronger, you’ll eventually be able to upgrade to more of an Adams and then, finally, to a Taft.

  He’s best friends with Thomas Jefferson. Maybe he’ll introduce you to Thomas Jefferson!

  Sort-of Fun Facts

  Madison had two vice presidents, both of whom died in office. He didn’t appoint a third, because he couldn’t bear to kill again.

  Madison’s nickname is “Little Jemmie” for no other reason than because it is a great nickname.

  JAMES MADISON WROTE THE CONSTITUTION AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS! SO IT’S HIS FAULT THEY ARE BOTH SO BORING.

  Here’s a Tip

  When Madison was courting Dolley Payne Todd, he asked her young cousin to write love letters to Dolley on his behalf. Madison would then read and approve all of the letters before they were sent to Dolley. This may sound strange, but it worked for James Madison, and it can work for you! It will be like a fun, sexy game between you, the object of your desire, and the object of your desire’s cousin.

  LOVE STORY

  At the age of 43, Madison developed a crush on a hot young Quaker widow named Dolley Payne Todd. Like any normal guy, Madison decided to stalk his crush for a while before asking her out. He quietly interviewed her friends, he secretly investigated her family, and when everything checked out, bam!—he made his move.

  His move was to ask a mutual friend to tell Dolley that he liked her. (The mutual friend was Aaron Burr. What a great guy!) We imagine their conversation as having gone something like this:

  Aaron Burr: Hi, Dolley Madison! Whoops, I mean Dolley Payne Todd. I forgot that not everyone can see the future, like I can.

  Dolley Payne Todd: Hello, Aaron Burr.

  Aaron Burr: So, I have this friend …

  Dolley Payne Todd: Pass.

  Aaron Burr: Wait—hear me out! He’s 17 years older than you, weighs about 100 pounds, and mistakenly believes he has epilepsy.

  Dolley Payne Todd: I admit I’m intrigued. I’ve always wanted to date a guy with epilepsy, but I might be willing to settle for a guy who just thinks he has epilepsy. At 26 years old, I can hardly afford to be choosy.

  Aaron Burr: No, you can’t. Oh, and this is unrelated, but if I’m ever accused of treason and have to flee to Europe, would you mind helping me get a passport so I can sneak back into the country?

  Dolley Payne Todd: Uh … sure.

  How to Win His Heart

  He’s into younger women. Are you a teenager? If so, James Madison might be interested. Also, good for you for reading a book!

  Opposites attract. Which means that if you want to attract James Madison, you’ll need to be the most outgoing, charming, and stylish person ever. And tall. You’re going to have be pretty tall.

  Get the Look!

  James Madison wears ALL BLACK, from head to toe, EVERY DAY. So go to your closet, put on your smallest all-black outfit, and go try to flirt with teenagers. It will be like Madison himself is walking the earth again, with his tiny pitter-patter!

  Madison’s first love was a 15-year-old named Kitty Floyd. He was 32 at the time, so … moving on. Kitty broke it off with him after she fell in love with someone her own age who probably didn’t have crippling hypochondria. She gave Madison the news by sending him a letter that was sealed with dough, because this was somehow supposed to indicate that her feelings for Madison had “soured.” And that is what you get for dating a 15-year-old.

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 3

  Washington Irving once described Madison as a “withered little applejohn.” Which I guess is better than calling him a big applejohn. You don’t want too much applejohn.

  Physique: 1

  On the plus side, you can borrow his clothes!

  Charisma: 2

  Madison has all the charisma of a small, sickly man dressed entirely in black.

  Having epilepsy: 5

  Madison’s epilepsy symptoms were psychosomatic. But if you think you’re having a seizure, and you look like you’re havi
ng a seizure, isn’t that sort of the same thing as actually having a seizure? (No, it isn’t. But we do think it deserves a 5 out of 10.)

  How it really happened!

  The following dramatization of how Dolley Madison rescued a portrait of George Washington from the White House in 1814 is based on a true story. (Specifically, the story of how Dolley Madison rescued a portrait of George Washington from the White House in 1814.)

  DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to persons living is an alarming coincidence, because this happened over 200 years ago. Any resemblance to persons dead is the result of our exhaustive research and scholarship.

  DOLLEY MADISON: ART THIEF

  A Play in One Act

  Scene 1

  SETTING: It is August 1814. The War of 1812 has been going on for a while (you can do the math), and the invading British Army is about to enter Washington, DC. Most people in the city have fled, and the White House has been evacuated except for DOLLEY MADISON and a few servants.

  AT RISE: DOLLEY MADISON is in the White House dining room, along with the slaves PAUL JENNINGS and SUKEY. There is the sound of cannons firing in the background, ideally because actual cannons are being fired backstage. PAUL JENNINGS and SUKEY are frantically packing. DOLLEY MADISON is also packing, but less frantically. There is a large portrait of George Washington hanging on the wall. Don’t skip this part—it will be important to the plot later!