"Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Then it ain't the unknown anymore and it ain't scary. Or I guess it could be a shitload scarier."
Fans of the #1 bestseller Sht My Dad Says* will recognize the always-patient voice of Justin Halpern's dad as it crackles through the pages of this hysterical new book. The story begins when Justin takes his dad out to lunch to announce that he's decided to propose to his girlfriend.
You've been dating her for four years," his dad replies. "It ain't like you found a parallel fucking universe.
But eventually he gives Justin some advice: that he should take a day off and think back over everything he's learned in life about women, relationships, and himself before making his decision. And that's just what Justin does—revisiting everything from his disastrous childhood crushes to the night he finally lost his virginity while working as a dishwasher at Hooters.
I Suck at Girls is full of his dad's patented brand of wisdom. But it's also full of new characters just as funny as his dad—from his brother, who provides insights into wedding night rituals ("You stand in one corner of the room, and she stands in the other. You each take off one piece of clothing at a time") to his first boss, who warns Justin to man up: "That's what a man does. He takes his shots and then he scrubs the shit out of some dishes." The result is a pilgrim's progress through the landscape of sex and love—by one of the funniest writers at work today. Views: 895
Down, Boy Anna Moder has just witnessed a shooting, seen her car pulverized, and rescued a wounded stranger only to discover he's really a werewolf. And by her recent standards, things are actually looking up. Lycanthropes don't faze Anna. Doctoring a wolf pack outside Grundy, Alaska, is the closest thing to home life she's known in years. But hitching a ride to Anchorage with long-absent pack member Caleb Graham that's a risk. Part of her itches to whack his nose with a newspaper. The rest is trying unsuccessfully to keep her own paws off every delicious inch of him. The problem is, Caleb employs his lupine tracking abilities as a notquite-legal bounty hunter, and Anna is suspicious of both him and his profession. On the run from her past, with old problems closing in, she'd like to stay far, far away from anybody with connections to the law. Caleb, however, seems determined to keep her close. Are his intentions noble, or is he working a more predatory angle? Anna's been dreaming of returning to a semi-normal life, but now she's experiencing a strange new urge . . . to join Caleb in running with the wolves. Views: 895
Far too young, Apollo Ulfr lost Ilsa, his wife, the love of his life and the mother of his two children. The grief of her loss does not settle in his soul, it solders to it. But when he discovers there is a parallel universe where his wife may have a twin, he feels there's hope and sets about bringing her to his world so he can have her back.
But Ilsa Ulfr of our world is married to the parallel universe's twin, Pol, who is not a good man. Not in any way. She's on the run from him and the last thing she wants is to be transported to a fantastical world and be forced to take his side as his wife, even if he is not Pol. And Apollo finds the broken, bitter Ilsa nothing like his beloved and he further wants nothing to do with her.
But darkness is looming and evil is amassing. Apollo must protect his land and keep his family safe, including the new Ilsa. Views: 895
She's about to walk on the wild side . . .
While filling the display case in her bakery, the bell over the door sounds and Tessa O'Hara looks up to see the man of her dreams. Within thirty seconds he asks her out for a beer. But after four months of dating, she discovers he's an undercover DEA agent-and he's investigating her possible role in her ex-husband's drug business. For Tess, this means their relationship is over.
Brock disagrees. He's committed to his anti-drug mission, but he's fallen in love with the beautiful woman who's as sweet as her cupcakes-and he'll do anything to win her back. Standing between Tess and Brock are their own exes, one of them a drug lord who's determined to get what he wants. Now as danger threatens, can Brock break the rules he's lived by and let loose his wild side to protect the woman he loves?
125,000 words Views: 893
From Michael Thomas Ford, the critically acclaimed author of Last Summer and Alec Baldwin Doesn't Love Me, comes this sizzling collection of fantasies culled from more than a decade of his best erotic work. These stories of heat, lust, desire, need, and transformation-an Olympian bacchanal, a chance meeting in the men's room, an S&M-fueled "coaching" session, a police officer who'll do what it takes to get a confession-are as incredibly hot as they are exquisitely crafted. There's "Becoming Al," an "X-rated Flannery O'Connor story" that takes place on the stage at a male peep show. The mosh pit of an underground club brings two punks to the edge and over in the adrenaline-charged "Diving the Pit." A gorgeous window washer gives a worker drone some high-rise sex in "Washing Up." And the power of a young man's first sexual awakening-and the reunion it inspires twenty years later-lies at the heart of the achingly sensual "The Boys of Summer." Along the way, Ford turns up the heat by confessing the naughty personal thoughts that inspired his steamiest erotica. A visit to his incredibly sexy dentist led to Ford's delicious story of one explosive oral exam in "The Check Up." The summer sounds drifting up from the New York City streets on a hot summer night influenced Ford's sinfully sexy voyeuristic fantasy, "Wednesday, 2 A.M." A hunky conductor on a commuter train gave Ford lustful thoughts and a whole new meaning for the term "Riding the Rails." And the discovery of anonymous nude Polaroids gave birth to the no-holds-barred "Dirty Pictures." Hard-core, tender, imaginative, candid, and just plain hot, these stories prove that when it comes to erotica that's down-and-dirty AND intelligent, nobody does it better than Michael Thomas Ford. Views: 893
It’s Volume 4 of TIW shorts! The fourth collection and possibly the last of totally pointless exactly 500 Challenge and exactly 200 Weekend Quickie flash fiction stories/scenes word nonsense (plus a few specials, relays, newsflashes from the TIW blog and collaborations) to entertain you while doing whatever you do when reading.It’s Volume 4 of TIW shorts! The fourth collection and possibly the last of totally pointless exactly 500 Challenge and exactly 200 Weekend Quickie flash fiction stories/scenes word nonsense (plus a few specials, relays, newsflashes from the TIW blog and collaborations) to entertain you while doing whatever you do when reading. For myself, it was a long and tricky half year in The Iron Writer. Through troubles and difficulties, there was always the TIW Challenge waiting for me.I hope you enjoy these short snippets just as much as I enjoyed writing them, and thanks again to Brian and all the other Iron Writers for allowing me into their community…I wouldn’t. Views: 888
An Atlanta ex-cop comes to sleepy Lake Sackett, Georgia, seeking peace and quiet—but he hasn’t bargained on falling for Frankie, the cutest coroner he’s ever met.
Frankie McCready talks to dead people. Not like a ghost whisperer or anything—but it seems rude to embalm them and not at least say hello.
Fortunately, at the McCready Family Funeral Home & Bait Shop, Frankie’s eccentricities fit right in. Lake Sackett’s embalmer and county coroner, Frankie’s goth styling and passion for nerd culture mean she’s not your typical Southern girl, but the McCreadys are hardly your typical Southern family. Led by Great-Aunt Tootie, the gambling, boozing, dog-collecting matriarch of the family, everyone looks out for one another—which usually means getting up in everyone else’s business.
Maybe that’s why Frankie is so fascinated by new sheriff Eric Linden...a recent transplant from Atlanta, he sees a homicide in every hunting accident or boat crash, which seems a little paranoid for this sleepy tourist town. What’s he so worried about? And what kind of cop can get a job with the Atlanta PD but can’t stand to look at a dead body?
Frankie has other questions that need answering first—namely, who’s behind the recent break-in attempts at the funeral home, and how can she stop them? This one really does seem like a job for the sheriff—and as Frankie and Eric do their best Scooby-Doo impressions to catch their man, they get closer to spilling some secrets they thought were buried forever. Views: 887
Written to celebrate the author's ninety-first birthday - a flawless piece of classic comic writing. What happened to Monty Bodkin's love for Hockey International Gertrude Butterwick? His year in Hollywood completed, he leaves behind his heartbroken secretary, Sandy Miller, and arrives in London to claim his Amazon's had. However, teh Bodkin road to happiness is arduous, and pitfalled through and through Views: 887
HELL ON WHEELS After failing as a magician's assistant, a photographer, and most recently, a bride, Miranda Puckett takes a position as a driver for Beeline, Half-Moon Hollow's premiere vampire concierge service. Miranda's assignment? Driving Collin Sutherland, the world's most fastidious vampire from Washington to Kentucky, so he can deliver a mysterious black case to Council official Ophelia Lambert. Collin, a paranoid, aristocratic vampire with a debilitating fear of flying, refuses to let the case out of his sight. Miranda needs this time on the road to decide whether to permanently cut her ties with the fiance that had an "emotional affair" with a childhood pal, but Collin’s neatnik tendencies are driving her around the bend. The man acts as if leaving a fast food wrapped on the passenger seat is reason for a full-on CDC de-contamination scrub-down of the car. All she can do is promise to stop intentionally doing the things that make his stiff upper lip twitch with irritation. As more and more mishaps occur on the road trip from hell, Miranda and Collin work together to meet his delivery deadline. Hotel rooms are destroyed. Beloved cars are defiled. And somewhere along the line, client-driver hostilities become snarky flirtation. Will Collin and Miranda make it to the Hollow in one piece? And if they do, will Miranda leave old, safe relationships behind for something new and well, just plain weird? Views: 885
A human diplomat kills his alien counterpart. Earth is on the verge of war with a vastly superior alien race. A lone man races against time and a host of enemies to find the one object that can save our planet and our people from alien enslavement...
A sheep.
That's right, a sheep. And if you think that's the most surprising thing about this book, wait until you read Chapter One. Welcome to The Android's Dream.
For Harry Creek, it's quickly becoming a nightmare. All he wants is to do his uncomplicated mid-level diplomatic job with Earth's State Department. But his past training and skills get him tapped to save the planet--and to protect pet store owner Robin Baker, whose own past holds the key to the whereabouts of that lost sheep. Doing both will take him from lava-strewn battlefields to alien halls of power. All in a day's work. Maybe it's time for a raise.
Throw in two-timing freelance mercenaries, political lobbyists with megalomaniac tendencies, aliens on a religious quest, and an artificial intelligence with unusual backstory, and you've got more than just your usual science fiction adventure story. You've got The Android's Dream. Views: 883
Scherzo Trepan's journey to the underworld begins each morning on the banks of a river. A rusted fridge is his elevator and to the sweat and heat of an incinerator plant he travels. Until one day he wakes up in a hospital to the sight of aliens landing and the sound of a snapped on rubber glove.He searches for his dead sister, Rhiann, whose marriage to the Devil has been arranged by their father as a means of enhancing his job prospects.Accompanied by a three-legged mutant and a spanner, Scherzo makes a perilous descent into Hell, whilst on the surface world plots shift and transubstantiate, past and future conjoin, entities expostulate, characters - living and dead - get stuck on roundabouts."A manic surrealist tapestry of outrageous colours and heady descriptive passages that may well burn holes in your brain. Or make a cat-flap." Views: 882
Toni Davis's Christmas wish list 1. Springing my best friend from the psych ward. 2. Living somewhere that doesn't have coffins in the basement. Occupied coffins. 3. Finding Mr. Right. Please make him tall, dark, handsome, and alive. This Christmas isn't so merry for Toni. Her best friend's been locked up in a mental hospital ever since she told the police she was attacked by vampires, and the only way for Toni to get her out is to prove that bloodsuckers really do exist. So she's taken a job as a bodyguard for the Undead, but she gets more than she bargained for, especially when she meets Ian MacPhie, a Scottish rascal looking for Ms. Right. Although Ian's nearly five centuries old, he looks and acts like a twenty-seven-year-old hunk. How can a dead man be so damn sexy? Could Mr. Wrong be Mr. Right? One forbidden kiss could lead to an eternity of passion—and all it takes is one moment under the mistletoe . . . Views: 877
The happiest day of Payton Lambert's life was the day she graduated high school and watched Bald Knob, Kentucky get smaller and smaller in her rearview mirror. She wanted more for her life than a tiny town where everyone knows your business and you can’t find a decent cup of coffee for at least forty miles. Twelve years later, an unexpected phone call in the middle of the night has her packing up her life in Chicago and racing back home to the one person she ever regretted leaving behind.
Wait, one person?? Make that two. When the hell did Leo Hudson become sheriff of Bald Knob and get so hot? The scrawny Future Farmer of America who followed Payton around like a puppy and could recite cow insemination facts in his sleep is long gone. Leo is still hot on her heels, but now he's wearing a badge and dead set on solving a murder that may or may not involve Payton...along with half the town.
You steal a few wine coolers in high school and make one little comment about cutting off a man's balls when you come home, and suddenly, you're suspected of killing him.
In a town where the biggest crime happened the day Jethro Snell kicked a few of his cows (an honest mistake when you've had a few jars of homemade moonshine), people are pointing fingers, rumors are spreading like wildfire, and Payton swears she's only making out with the sweet-talking, studly sheriff to distract him from the secrets she's keeping.
When you've been tased, peed on by a yippy dog named Bo Jangles, and can't stop picturing what Sheriff Hudson looks like naked, it will be a tough job making everyone agree that...Jed had to die. Views: 876
Lady Pamela Smythe-Worthing hat genug vom Weglaufen und tauscht das Chocoloodtrinken mit ihren Vampirfreundinnen gegen Catsuit und Maske ein, um als VampWoman die bösen Malcontents zu bekämpfen. Ausgerechnet ihr Kampfgefährte Mikhail, ein wilder Barbar, weckt überwältigend intensive Gefühle in ihr. Aber er hat schon einmal jemanden verloren, den er liebte, und will nicht, dass Pam ihr Leben aufs Spiel setzt … Wie kann ihre Liebe eine Chance haben, wenn er Pam nicht sein lässt, wer sie wirklich ist? Views: 875
A man doing well in life is suddenly fearful that he may be going insane, suddenly lost in his world of life that seems no more or less than a living nightmare that he cannot escape. Something has gone wrong, and he is determined to figure it out fast, or die trying.For some, life can seem to be a dream at times, never real.For others, that is all it really is.Here's the short story of a man who has lived a full life, has done well with himself, but now seems to have the inescapable sensation that something seems terribly wrong. Is he really losing his sanity?Or is it something else altogether? Views: 872
