Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  girlology

  A Girl’s Guide to Stuff That Matters

  girlology

  A Girls’ Guide to

  Stuff* That Matters

  *Relationships, body talk & girl power!

  Melisa Holmes, M.D.

  &

  Patricia Hutchison, M.D.

  Health Communications, Inc.

  Deerfield Beach, Florida

  www.hcibooks.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Homes, Melisa.

  Girlology : a girl’s guide to stuff that matters : relationships, bodytalk & girl power / Melisa Holmes & Patricia Hutchison.

  p. cm.

  eISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9499-7 eISBN-10: 0-7573-9499-X

  1. Girls—Life skills guides. 2. Girls—Psychology. 3. Girls—Conduct of life. I. Hutchison, Patricia. II. Title.

  HQ777.H664 2005

  646.7'0082—dc22

  2005052506

  ©2005 Melisa Holmes and Patricia Hutchison

  All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

  HCI, its Logos and Marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

  Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

  3201 S.W. 15th Street

  Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190

  R-11-06

  Cover and Inside design by Larissa Hise Henoch

  Cover illustration and Inside art by Emily Eldridge

  Inside Illustration also by Kevin Stawieray and Melisa Holmes

  Inside book formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

  Contents

  PART ONE: Stuck in the Middle

  1 Why Me? Why Now?

  2 Friends Who Rock and Friends Who [Need to] Roll!

  3 Where Have All the Normal Parents Gone?

  PART TWO: Body Talk

  4 Not Your Usual Vocabulary List!

  5 Everybody’s Got a Body

  6 Periods, Period

  7 Boy, Oh Boy!

  8 S-E-X

  PART THREE: There’s More to Sex!

  9 Sexuality: Good News, Bad News

  10 Mixed Messages

  11 Crush or True Love?

  12 When IsWhat Okay?

  PART FOUR: Growing Real Girl Power

  13 Get Your Girl Power On!

  Acknowledgments

  PART ONE

  Stuck in the Middle

  1

  Why Me? Why Now?

  Spin, spin, spin. If you are a preteen or teen girl, we bet that’s what your head is doing right now!

  You are probably whirling in a sea of mysterious body changes, relationship blowups and confusing information. At school and with friends, you hear chatter about periods, gossip about boyfriends and whispers about sex.

  And you are probably bursting with questions. What is all this hair in weird places? Exactly how does sex happen, and why would anyone want to do that? Do I use the nasty words I see on the bathroom wall to talk about sex? What’s this stuff in my underwear? What’s up with my friends? Why do we fight and then make up all the time now? How do you tell the difference between a “boyfriend” and a friend who’s a boy? How about love and lust? And why don’t my parents get it anymore?

  Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with having questions or wanting to know more—especially when it comes to your body, sex and relationships. All those crazy and confusing questions . . . they’re normal! And you probably are, too! (Do we hear a big sigh of relief?)

  Girlhood Is a Gift!

  You’re a girl. And you are made in an amazing and wonderful way. Because you are a girl, some things are going to happen to you: breasts, hips, pimples, periods, crushes on guys, fights with girlfriends, parents who don’t get it. You have no choice; they will happen! You are turning into a young woman, and your body and your brain are making these changes because you are developing sexually. So doesn’t it make sense that this is the time in your life to learn about these things?

  Some things are guaranteed to happen. But there are other girl things you can make choices about—how you take care of your “new” body, how you use your newfound sex appeal, when you will kiss a guy or how you talk about sex to your parents. Even though there are a lot of things happening to you that are out of your control, it’s good to know that there are a lot of other things that you can control.

  Girlology is going to help you open up your girlhood like a gift. We’ll rip off the wrapping paper, explore the mysteries inside, learn facts about “all things girl” and help you gain the confidence you need to decide what kind of girl you want to be.

  So, What Is Girlology?

  Before we dive in, let’s first tell you what Girlology is not:

  • Girlology is not a sex talk like you get at school.

  • It’s not a science lesson.

  • It’s not like a lecture from your parents.

  All those things can be good, but they are not Girlology. Girlology is different.

  Girlology was written by two female doctors who also happen to be mothers of daughters; one of us is a pediatrician (a doctor for children and teenagers up to about 18 years old) and the other is an obstetrician/ gynecologist (fancy words for a doctor who specializes in delivering babies and taking care of girls’ and women’s body parts that are involved in making babies). Both of us take care of lots of teens who are developing sexually. That means every day we talk to girls thinking about sex . . . avoiding sex . . . having sex . . . confused about sex . . . scared to death about consequences of sex. . . . You name it, we’ve seen it and talked about it.

  We think girls are smart, unique, brave and strong, and we want you to have information that will let all that good stuff shine through!

  As doctors, we see girls every day who have the same questions you do. And we see lots of girls and even women who have gotten some really wrong answers! No, your period will not stop when you go swimming. Yes, you can get pregnant the first time you have sex. No, you are not gay if you look at a naked girl in the locker room. Girlology is about giving you the straight, true facts about your body.

  We also treat patients who have made healthy decisions about sex and relationships and others who aren’t so happy with the decisions they’ve made. We want you to be happy with the decisions you make! Girlology is about helping you figure out what’s important to you so that you can make decisions you will be pleased with for a long, long, long time.

  Girlology is about helping you figure out a lot of things that matter— your body, your relationships and sex. It may sound scary but it’s not.

  Girlology is about periods and body parts “down there.” It will help you decide how you feel about sex and sexual things. It will help you understand guys and learn how to speak up for yourself. It will help you talk to parents and other adults and gain their trust. Girlology will also teach you how to understand your friends’ and family’s values and decide what is important to you. All in all, it’s about gaining the confidence you need to develop a special type of “Girl Power!”

  We’ve Got Girl Power!

  Every school has them: girls who have a special sort of Girl Power. We bet you could name a girl right now who has it. She’s the one other girls trust with secrets, guys respect and teachers count on.

  She may not be the prettiest or most popular, but you can’t miss her. She talks, thinks and acts in a way that shows everyone she’s confident in who she is and
the choices she makes. She’s just plain different, but it’s a good kind of different!

  So how did she get it—this Girl Power? Did it show up wrapped in a nice, neat package on her sixteenth birthday? Was it magically revealed to her in a fantastic dream? Did her fairy godmother wave a magic wand and Girl Power descended in a cloud of pixie dust? Nope. None of the above.

  The cool thing about Girl Power is that it’s in every girl. That includes you, me and the girl sitting next to you in science class! But you’ve got to discover it, respect it and grow it. When you see a girl with strong Girl Power, you can bet that she’s been growing it since she was a preteen. You can do the same thing, and there is no better time to start than now!

  Let’s Get Started!

  Girlology is about finding that special Girl Power and showing you how to let it do its thing. First you will need three sharpened #2 pencils, two clean erasers, 10 pieces of wide-ruled notebook paper . . . just kidding! Girlology is nothing like a school assignment or a test. It’s meant to be read at your own pace. Pondering is encouraged!

  Remember we told you that there are some things that will just happen to you because you’re a girl, and other girl things you have choices about? Well, we girls are going to talk about both in this book. We are going to challenge you to make decisions now about what choices you will make in the future. When you decide what is important today, you can make promises to yourself that you can stick to as you get older. These promises you make to yourself are important promises to keep!

  We Need to Talk

  When it comes to sexual things, you are going to want to talk about them. And everyone is going to be telling you something about sex. Here’s where your Girl Power comes in—it’s up to you to decide who can be trusted with your thoughts and feelings and who you can trust to give you good information. You will find out that some people want to tell you things about sex for your good, and other people want to tell you things about sex for their good.

  All right, let’s start with the “for your good” crowd. These are usually people like your parents, your family, doctors, nurses, religious leaders and teachers. Close friends can also be great, especially when it comes to sharing your thoughts and feelings, but they may not know all the facts about sexual things.

  As for the “for their good” crowd, these people want to sell you stuff, persuade you to do what makes them feel good or show off. They are usually advertisers on TV and in magazines, certain movies and TV shows, and some friends or boyfriends.

  The trick is to listen to people who can help you decide what is important to you and good for you—people who can help you decide on values you can stick to for the rest of your life.

  How you think and feel about yourself, your body, sex and sexual things are important stuff. You need to ask questions and get real answers. You need to share your feelings and know they will be kept private. And you can only do this with someone you trust. Girlology will help you decide who is worthy of your trust.

  But It’s Kind of Embarrassing

  Lots of things you read in this book will be good things to bring up with your mom, your dad or another trusted adult. Think those adults are clueless? Hopeless? Completely and utterly out of touch? Well, you’ll be surprised to know that they were not dropped on this planet as adults. They actually had to go through the same stages that you are going through to become sexually mature. And while that may have happened in the “dark ages,” most of them really do remember a lot about it.

  Think your parents will be embarrassed by sex talk? They might be. You might be. But we promise that the more you talk about it, the easier it will get—for you and for them.

  Puberty

  We don’t really talk about puberty a lot in this book because most of you are already in the midst of it or well beyond the beginning stages. Just to give you a definition, puberty is the time during a girl’s or guy’s life when they are becoming more adult- like in their body, including their appearance and their thinking. The word puberty comes from two different Latin words. One is pubertas, which means “adult-like,” and the other is pubescere, which means “to grow hairy or mossy.” Nice. Puberty starts for girls between the ages of eight and twelve. The usual start is with breast development, although plenty of girls start with pubic hair instead. For guys, puberty starts a little later, around the ages of ten to fourteen. Their start isn’t as obvious because the first sign for them is that their testicles grow. Later signs for them are penis growth, facial hair and voice changes. Puberty lasts longer for guys than for girls. In fact, most girls are finished growing within two years after starting their periods. Guys sometimes don’t finish growing until they are older teens, around seventeen to nineteen.

  It’s a Life Lesson

  Sex, breasts, periods, guys, body parts, Girl Power, choices, values, talking to adults—whew! That’s a lot to learn, but we’re going to make it interesting and fun. It might occasionally be weird, too. But hey, sometimes that can be the most interesting part!

  Life lessons are supposed to be learned slowly. And that’s what Girlology is—a life lesson. Remember, we’re going to grow us some Girl Power . . . and growing takes time. So there’s no need to race through this book. Read a chapter; think about it. Read some more. Think some more. Read. Think. Read. Think. Get the hang of it?

  You might even want to write down your thoughts. There is room for that. There are some quizzes and journaling ideas. Have at it! It’s not a school assignment, so have some fun. No pressure or grades!

  The whole idea of a sex book may be freaking you out a little bit right now. Sexual maturing and growing up is confusing to everyone when it happens. But you know what? It’s just life. You can’t hide from it or ignore it—in fact, your changing body and brain will make you see it and think about it, sometimes a lot.

  Girlology wants to take the mystery out of it all. Don’t think of this as just a “sex book.” Keep thinking of it as a life lesson. And when you finish this lesson, you’ll have a better idea about who you are and who you want to become. You’ll also have a plan for your sexual and relationship choices—a real plan using true information and based on your own values. A plan you can live with for years to come.

  We know that girls are smart enough to make sense of all this confusing sex stuff. So turn on your brains, bring along your feelings and be prepared to discover great things about being a girl. Girl Power, here we come!

  2

  Friends Who Rock and Friends Who [Need to] Roll!

  For most girls, friends rock!

  (Or do they?)

  The middle school and high school social scene can be very strange—sometimes awesome, sometimes confusing and ugly. Girls say and do things to impress boys and other girls. Ditto for boys. Sometimes kids are nice to you; sometimes they’re not. A trusted friend can suddenly be mean to you. Gossip abounds. There are cliques (pronounced “click”), clubs and groups that may embrace you or may make you feel left out. People you never knew before may suddenly seem more interesting than your old friends.

  It may seem confusing now, but don’t fear! There is a reason all of this is happening! Your brain is actually preprogrammed to help you accomplish two very important tasks before you become an adult:

  1. Your brain is helping you to become more independent from your family.

  2. Your brain is also helping you develop your values, your personality, your likes and your dislikes; you are figuring out who you are as an individual.

  Now that’s exciting stuff! Are you rolling your eyes right now and thinking that what we think is exciting is really too much grown-up stuff? Well . . . as a teen, you are sort of a “grown-up in the making.” So bring those rolling eyeballs back to the page and read on!

  Friends Over Family

  Okay, so one of your jobs is to become more independent from your family. Believe it or not, your brain is programmed to make you want to hang out with your friends more and your parents less. It’s supposed to happen tha
t way. You can tell your parents we said so.

  Does that mean you abandon your family altogether? Nope. Does it mean you never hug, cuddle or play with your parents? Absolutely not! Does it mean that given a choice between going to the mall with your buds and playing a rousing game of Monopoly with your family, you pick your buds? Probably.

  Things are going to change. It can be strange for you and your family. Your parents are used to making all your decisions for you. They are used to having a little girl who looks to them for guidance and assurance. That doesn’t totally stop, but now you are talking more to friends about important stuff, you are having your own ideas and you want more freedom to make your own decisions about where you go, what you wear and who your friends are.

  Why Don’t You Trust Me?

  Raise your hand if you’ve ever said “. . . but why don’t you trust me?” One, two, three, four . . . eight million, three hundred twenty-seven thousand, two hundred ninety-six hands . . . yep, your brains are working just fine on that independence thing!