Away From You Read online

  “I can remember meeting Rachel in Santa Barbara during a trip. We met by chance a month later when my company had an executive retreat in Napa. Part of the itinerary included a trail ride with a nearby ranch. Rachel was one of the horseback riding teachers and guides on that retreat. She had looked so familiar when we first met in Southern California. I had the chance to talk to her more during that weekend in Napa. We figured out that we must have seen our profiles on a lot of the same Meetup groups we had joined.”

  “Were you completely single when you met Rachel or still involved with someone when that relationship started?”

  “Yes. The 28 year old in New York. We were on and off still. It went on for another year.”

  “Simultaneous relationships? Like with Elizabeth. You were involved with someone in New York and another woman in California.”

  “Yes. Jenny, the younger woman in New York, wanted to give it another try. She thought I would change my mind about having more kids. Or at least not be upset if a surprise pregnancy happened.”

  “Did Rachel having Kaja bring Jenny and you to an end?”

  “Jenny never found out about Kaja. She may still not know that I had a second child with someone else. Jenny left during my manic phase the year Kaja was born.”

  “I heard you gave this Jenny in New York a promise ring. That you would be engaged one day. The same year Kaja was born.”

  “I must have. I don’t remember that. Sabrina knew about it and wasn’t happy. Rachel got pregnant by accident four months after we met. She thought she couldn’t get pregnant because she had been dealing with adrenal exhaustion for two years. Rachel was not interested in interrupting her career and didn’t trust me. Sabrina doesn’t know all the details. Only that Rachel cut me off while she was still pregnant.”

  “So you have no relationship with Kaja since she was a year old?”

  “None. Rachel cut me out of her life before she was born. Everything was arranged through lawyers. Our visits were stipulated because Rachel had full custody. I set up a trust fund was set-up for Kaja the day she was born to issue support payments. Never missed one even if I can’t see Kaja.”

  “How often does Sabrina see her younger sister?”

  “She sees her every weekend. Sometimes a day or two in the week.”

  “I thought Sabrina was studying at Columbia.”

  “No. She transferred to Stanford to be near Kaja and me.”

  “Sabrina was excited to have a sibling.”

  “Do you remember how you felt about Rachel before and after the relationship ended.”

  “Apparently I loved her.”

  “Sabrina told you that?”

  “Everyone does.”

  3 THE SESSIONS

  The sessions are going to start with a probe attached to 32 points on the head. Our protocol will be to stimulate each region for 10 minutes before I begin re-editing the DNA sequence corresponding to a particular region in the brain. The goal is to delete the genetic codes that correlate to the expression of symptoms. Our overall target objective is to stimulate and prompt the brain to recode old memories as it recalls them. Think of this process and a kind of second brain life formed outside the womb. We also aim to rebalance the neurotransmitters by resetting them as if they never went off kilter or were exposed to mind-altering substances.

  What about the neural tissue you are harvesting?

  Those will be surgically inserted in the brain regions responsible for memory and sensation. We won’t begin to implant this new tissue until the first five DNA rewiring sessions are complete. After which, at the completion of every five sessions in a row, we will perform another implantation procedure. The purpose of this is to reinforce the new rewired patterns in the brain by replacing damaged tissue with new brain tissue. The new tissue will code back the abilities and memories into his short and long-term memory.

  So he will have a new brain, one that was never touched by trauma or any illness.

  Exactly. Then we combine the rewiring with brain exercises to rebuilt his cognition

  The deterioration of David’s abilities started when his sleep patterns became erratic. He would stay awake for two to three days at a time, crash for 24 hours, and the cycle would restart again.

  Chronic insomnia led to memory loss and cognitive decline, especially in his pre-frontal cortex.

  Yes, and it was Paxil that prompted the mania and alcohol use which made the depressive episodes worse. The worse the depression the more euphoric the mania.

  How long was this rapid descent? Not the entire seven years since first being prescribed Paxil.

  It went through phases. He managed with the prescription cocktail I have had him on for the past three years.

  Why did he leave New York? Other than to open a West Coast office for his old firm?

  He entered into a partnership with a boutique investment house based in Los Angeles. Wall Street protected his legend. But he was running from memories too.

  The memories of his decline.

  Everything. If David gained anything by his illness it has been empathy.

  He wants his faculties back to revive or resume his professional life?

  Not quite. The rate race doesn’t quite interest him anymore. I think he feels like a stranger to himself living in an unfamiliar body.

  And how is the depression or mania now?

  I’ve managed to keep him at neutral for the last six months through EMDR and biofeedback. Before that he had mild low grade depression. It was induced to stop his last manic episode before he lost all his money. His brother heard him talk about giving everything away to some obscure charity and intervened. His family had him conserved temporarily and kept it hush-hush.

  How do you see my experimental work on neuro regeneration helping him Dr. Vidal?

  There are areas of the brain that need to be rebuilt. The accumulation of all those episodes have damaged the tissue beyond most people with similar symptoms. Its rendered the medication ineffective. It’s also the cause of his inability to access memories and abilities that have been locked up by the brain.

  Rewiring his brain alone won’t guarantee a full restoration and recovery of memories or the capacity to do complex math again.

  But he has agreed to be a human test subject for the DNA side of your research. Medical ethics has not allowed full human testing. Human recruits have not been forthcoming. This could move your research ahead substantially.

  He signed every release the Stanford lawyers asked.

  Without hesitation.

  DNA editing has never been applied to such a scope as this. To call this experimental is generous. We are borderline quacks. Medical science has only treated certain portions of the brain before. Regions affected by Traumatic Brain Injury for example because a patient lost control of their own physical movements. The last treatments in similar research were to rehabilitate those who had suffered severe paralysis after a stroke. Being part of a study was their last hope.

  This will be a first. Not only for having a human volunteer approach us without any solicitation but this kind of research could grant sanity even to those who never had it. Imagine what potential humanity could benefit from if the brain of an autistic child can be restructured and programmed to interact with the world. Think of your career prospects Penelope. Having David Ambrose as a human subject will yield data that propels neuroscience ahead by multiple quantum leaps.

  More fame for Stanford at the expense of medical ethics.

  No, one man’s sacrifice for the greater good of medical science.

  You and I are going to collaborate Dr. Vidal because it was orchestrated by you. Is Professor Emeritus not enough? Was it feeling like you were a scientific mind put out to pasture too prematurely?

  We are going to work together Penelope as collaborators sharing liability, as physicians who took a Hippocratic Oath, who have every intention to stay true to it.

  David is ready to see you now.

  4 RECOVERING ME
MORIES

  So tell me Mr. Ambrose. What memories and skills have you most felt devoid of?

  First, Dr. Halloway, my life no longer is recorded in compartments by my brain.

  How does it store events and experiences then? Your mind?

  In fragments, like clustered pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. It remembers a partial history. Images go missing.

  Have you noticed a pattern of why certain remnants of your memory just vanish?

  To me it’s all random.

  Maybe start with the biographical timeline from the earliest you can remember your memory lapsing.

  Didn’t Dr. Vidal give you all my medical files? I signed a general release.

  Yes but I want to hear it from you, the primary source, in your own words.

  Why?

  The use of syntax is distinct with each person. How words are structured in their written communication and spoken is like a linguistically map of their cognitive process. Sentence structure, terms, slangs of choice, are clues as to how memories are coded and stored in the memory banks.

  Is that why each novelist whether they are writing fiction or non-fiction has their own voice? Dr. Vidal showed me your abstract when you were a resident at Stanford Medical Center. You wrote an analysis of a forensic interpretation from a cognitive interview under stress and applied psychological narrative analysis to detect levels of deception. Dr. Vidal said its part of the treatment.

  Correct. I will have to interview people from the time period in question. Even if they are no longer part of your life I need to use their voice recordings, to monitor how shared memories or moments correlate to the facts. Our memories are subjective. Other than date, time, place, and persons in attendance, humans diverge greatly in their accounts of past events depending on their perception and emotional state. That is why psychotherapy can be helpful. It is a process of reframing the past to resolve it in our unconscious.

  Do I get to find out who these people are that offer a key to my lost memories? Some have been gone from my life for years.

  Yes. You will know exactly whom we speak to because no interviews begin until they sign an ironclad non-disclosure agreement. Their participation is voluntary but legally will fall under medical research which is subject to HIPPA legislation. If they break confidentiality by sharing with outside parties the content discussed for the purpose of this treatment, they will be in violation of HIPPA and subject to heavy fines or incarceration for disclosing patient information.

  How likely will be able to obtain the statements from voices of my past? Such as those who have long faded.

  We can only do our best and Dr. Vidal and I have contracted, at your request, two of the top private investigators in the country. Both of whom have international connections if tracing someone overseas is needed. You, as our benefactor, instructed us top spare no expense.

  There are memories I may not want to recall Dr. Halloway.

  Only after you recover them can you choose to not keep them stored.

  What does that say about someone who erases others?

  Human.

  Think so?

  Our primal motivations are to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Unpleasant memories are naturally avoided either through repression or in extreme cases, hidden and deleted by an amnesiac. When the brain is too overwhelmed or injured and can’t apply these safeguards for emotional self-preservation, it can lead to PTSD. Sufferers can stop the intrusive distress thoughts from repeatedly getting their attention in flashbacks.

  Involuntary intrusions.

  Dr. Vidal’s term. He used it often even when I was a medical student.

  Those would be nice right now.

  Having involuntary intrusions?

  Yes, memories knocking at the mind with no intention of going away.

  Can you start with whatever you do recall randomly? Describe the memories that are still there.

  OK. My divorce. The divorce. Happened in an instant. We talked about it for years. Nothing happened for years. Diana and I got into a routine when our daughter Sabrina was eight years old. After that it was like we were on automatic.

  From what I understand the marriage occurred after your daughter was born. She was already two years old when the wedding was held.

  Yes. The pressure from our parents never worked. Only the threat of her taking Sabrina away forced me to make a decision on the relationship.

  You agreed to marry her in exchange for not being separated from your daughter?

  That was the only compelling reason to.

  How did the relationship start? Were you still getting to know one another when she got pregnant?

  Yes. Six months after we met Diana called me while I was on a Naval Ship in the Baltic about Sabrina. We hadn’t spent much time together because I was still in the Navy. Diana was a friend of my sister’s friend. We met in New York during Fleet Week. She showed up at this club. Instant attraction.

  And you were 22 years old? How old was she at the time?

  Almost 20 and resembled the young Sophia Loren.

  Yet you stayed together almost 14 years from that day you met.

  Neither of our families knew divorce.

  Couples only stay together as long as their patterns are matching. The dynamic sustains itself on automation.

  Diana and I were very different. She was lazy. Liked to spend money. The house was always a mess. Then there was her family drama.

  You mean the childhood abuse?

  Her father abused her for years before he died of liver failure when she was 16. A month after the funeral she broke down in her guidance counselor’s office and confessed being molested for years.

  Was he her biological father or a stepfather?

  Biological.

  And she had an older sister who was close in age? Did she also experience the same abuse growing up?

  No.

  Is the sister a full sibling?

  Yes. Somehow it was just her who got targeted.

  How did her mother respond to finding out that her daughter had been abused by her late husband?

  Her mother babied her even more. Diana has always seemed stuck in adolescence.

  A 20 and 22 year old are too young to settle down in most cases. The 20’s are a time to discover one’s adult identity. A person at 30 can be very different in contrast to who they were a decade earlier.

  The 20’s was a blur decade for me. When Diana got pregnant I still had two years left to serve in the Navy.

  Why didn’t you marry while still enlisted? Catholics tend to hold a wedding as soon as a pregnancy is confirmed.

  I delayed deciding until she threatened to take Sabrina to Florida.

  Anything else you remember?

  Everything until two years after I began taking Paxil back in New York.

  When you left the Navy, was that when you had to decide about whether you would commit to Diana?

  Not right away. She thought I would make the relationship official once I was out of the Navy. Six months passed and I never talked about it on purpose. That was when she threatened to move in with her mother and sister in Florida and take Sabrina.

  How did you feel when you were pushed to make a life altering choice?

  Blackmailed. Furious. Resentful. Like a prisoner who didn’t have much of a choice. Typical human response.

  Sounds like there wasn’t any love there between Diana and yourself?

  There never really was. Intense attraction is about a body not a personality.

  It’s not uncommon for couples to go through periods of distance and connection. Had Diana ever mentioned Florida before she talked about taking Sabrina there?

  I think she wanted a change. She did talk about that. Diana had ideas but they never really went anywhere.

  Was she depressed?

  My mom thought she was. It got worse after Sabrina was born. I assumed it would pass after a while.

  Not necessarily. Sometimes new mothers need medical intervention if post-partum is s
evere and doesn’t subside.

  The marriage was a way to legally have parental rights and be active in your daughter’s daily life? Sacrifice is part of the job description when you have kids.

  I wanted Sabrina to have both parents.

  Did the uncertainty of your ex-wife keep you there in the marriage? Even when it was dead?

  I don’t understand the question Dr. Halloway.