Away From You Read online

  “Distant how?”

  “She would make subtle comments about how I was manipulative, twisted words, and didn’t involve her in a real partnership.”

  “Did she give examples to back up her statements about your behavior?”

  “Not really. She would talk about boundaries and that her therapist encouraged her to speak up to communicate her needs.”

  “It sounds like she was becoming more assertive.”

  “Sure and blaming me for all the problems in the marriage.”

  “How did you relate with one another before she began seeing a therapist?”

  “I was able to make decisions without push-back from her. She worked and had her own money but I paid for most things. We didn’t fight much. Once in a while we disagreed on social plans like family vacations but she was agreeable most of the time. If she didn’t like something that I did or said, I would hear about it much later, but she would say it in passing.”

  “So there wasn’t a lot of friction but also an absence of collaborating as spouses on issues common within a marriage?”

  “You can say that.”

  “Was her childhood abuse something you knew about early on in the relationship?”

  “Yes. She was very upfront about it. When we met I found her to be really open minded about things. That changed after we got married.”

  “Why did you get married? The unplanned pregnancy and birth of your daughter didn’t seem to prompt a wedding right away.”

  “My Ex-wife told me that she was going to move in with her mother in Florida if we didn’t get married. I wanted to be part of my daughter’s life and when my family discovered her plans, then the pressure was on to marry her.”

  “How well did you know each other by the time you decided to marry?”

  “I don’t know. When she got pregnant we were still getting to know each other. I was still in the Navy and didn’t see her on a regular basis.”

  “But you left the Navy a year after your daughter was born and decided to live together.”

  “She decided to join me in Syracuse when I was at Cornell. Her reason was that she didn’t want to be raising a kid all by herself. So my parents agreed to help her join me in Upstate New York and paid for a nanny.”

  “A nanny?”

  “During the day I was at Cornell or working and my Ex found a job as a Respiratory Therapist in a local hospital. She hated being stuck alone in the apartment with a baby. Her thing was to be around people and have spending money of her own to buy things we didn’t need. My Ex was never good with cash.”

  “Was her father a step-parent or her biological father?”

  “Her real dad. Only it was her that he messed with. He left her older sister alone. Same dad to both of them. No one found out until she was 16 and her parents split. It came out in the divorce because the judge ordered therapy for the kids.”

  “So how did she relate to you? When you first began dating did she have a chronic need for male attention? Even if it were from a man whom she had no interest in?”

  “Exactly. Drove me crazy then. It was like, hey, you are with me. Why do you need to act single to another guy?”

  “Once you began a family with her was it kind of like a parent and child dynamic between you and her? You handled the money, made all the make household decisions, and there wasn’t a lot of negotiation with her until she started therapy.”

  “Describes it perfectly.”

  “So you were shocked when she ended it?”

  “Yes.”

  “So you expected the marriage to last even though you both would be living separate lives and your daughter would one day be an adult and out on her own?”

  “Yes.”

  “What about your German mistress? How did you think she factored into things at the time?”

  “She was very independent, had the same hectic schedule that I did, and didn’t really have an urge to settle down and have kids.”

  “You believed then that the situation was working for her and she didn’t mind the ambivalence of it?”

  “I did.”

  “How exactly was the divorce the trigger for the depression that started the complex condition for which you seek a cure through my experimental research?”

  “The divorce was the first of a series of sudden ruptures emotionally. That is what Dr. Vidal likes to say about the time period of my life where memory gaps happened.”

  Dr. Vidal interrupted before Penelope could ask her next question to David. His blunted affected and glazed stare still unchanged.

  “Several personal life stressors occurred for David in quick succession but it was the anti-depression prescription that his first psychiatrist in New York put him on which was the neurological trigger.”

  “Were you misdiagnosed David?”

  “In hindsight, yes, that is what Dr. Vidal and UCSF have told me for years.”

  “David was unaware of any mental illness in his family medical history. There are stories that his grandmothers would say when they were alive about their mothers having the blues all the time. His relatives like to call it the Irish affliction.”

  “What was your first prescription David?”

  “Paxil, 20 mg, twice a day, for the first year then it was increased to 30 mg. It worked great until the side effects became too much to deal with. By then the medication didn’t seem to work so well.”

  “How compliant were you?”

  “I was compliant for the first 18 months on Paxil.”

  “When David began to complain it was no longer working he started skipping doses without discussing it with his doctor. That was when the first manic episode began.”

  “Were you back taking Paxil as prescribed when the mania started?”

  “I think so. I did tell my doctor that I had not been taking Paxil regularly. By then the mania was making sleep impossible and giving me vivid dreams. To help me calm down and rest he wrote a prescription for Trazedone.”

  “Did it reduce the mania?”

  “No, but I slept more, and the dreams were no longer disturbing.”

  “Unfortunately, the Paxil was the wrong prescription for David in the first place. It was a delayed reaction but the medication triggered a full blown mania by activating a bipolar disorder.”

  “At any time did your psychiatrist in New York discuss combining drug therapy with psychotherapy or attending a therapy group for psycho-education on how to safely and effectively manage your symptoms?”

  “David and I have talked about that frequently.”

  “I was too busy to attend additional appointments every week.”

  “Even when the nightmares came back six months later despite the Trazedone.”

  “They were PTSD symptoms from the combat in Bosnia when I was in the Navy.”

  “Did you hear about EMDR to deal with these nightmares?”

  “Yes but the Prazosin got rid of them right away.”

  “You were on three different medications two-and-a-half years after a wrong diagnosis?”

  “It was UCSF that determined that it was bipolar not major depression.”

  “How was your compliance with all your medications David after the Prazosin was prescribed?”

  “Good except with Paxil. I started and stopped because I didn’t think it was needed anymore since it wasn’t helping lift my mood. I was trying to get off it but the withdrawal was intense. Brain zaps, severe headaches, feeling like I had the flu. Then the cognitive problems started with my memory and math became difficult even though I was calculating with formulas that were common to me for 20 years.”

  “The Paxil increased craving for alcohol which increased the depression and over time, David almost developed a dependency.”

  “Did your doctors in New York notice these symptoms had worsened?”

  “Not until my mania increased and not even Trazedone could make me sleep.”

  “The cocaine wasn’t helping David.”

  “Had you us
ed cocaine before?”

  “For a year on and off when I first started working on Wall Street. It helped with all nighters. I didn’t want to sleep anymore after Heidi moved back to Germany.”

  “Heidi your mistress? The one who worked at Deutsche Bank?”

  “Yes. She actually had hoped we were going to be married after Diana, my Ex-wife, moved out.”

  “Heidi had been waiting for you to be free to marry again?”

  “Precisely.”

  “She told you this and you moved in together in Manhattan knowing that?”

  “Heidi never said like that. I suspected but hoped she would change her mind.”

  “Why would she change her mind? Heidi was waiting for a long time for your marriage to be over. She didn’t hesitate to take Diana’s place when the divorce papers were filed.”

  “My reasoning was that she would see marriage for the reality it is versus the fantasy depicted in magazines. A reality check would have Heidi see the relationship for what it was.”

  “And what was it to you David?”

  “Setting up a life together but still having our own lives.”

  “Or playing house?”

  “No. Heidi and I spent a lot of time together, had similar interests, worked in the same field, took trips often, and through me she was able to create a life beyond work in the six years she lived in New York.”

  “In the two years that you lived together did she see the truth of what your relationship was? Was that why she decided to move back to Germany on her own accord?”

  “Heidi had an H1-B work visa to come to Deutsche Bank in New York from the home office in Germany. The INS only allows that type of Visa to be renewed once for a total of six years. Her only way to stay in the country would have been for Deutsche Bank to sponsor her for a Green Card.”

  “Or marriage.”

  “I didn’t want to marry again. Still don’t. Heidi asked me if I wanted to move to Germany with her. I said no.”

  “Wait a second, David, you could have had her stay but didn’t. You just let her go after a five year affair? Why?”

  “I knew I was going to California and hoped she could find a way to stay on her own. Maybe move with me to the West Coast.”

  “She would have been putting her life on hold and waiting even more?”

  “I cared for Heidi deeply but marriage just wasn’t possible. For a number of legal and emotional reasons.”

  “Wasn’t your divorce finalized by the time Heidi decided to move back to Germany?”

  “David, tell Dr. Halloway the truth.”

  Penelope turned to look at Vidal thinking he had interrupted her interview this time to lighten the emotional heaviness between her and David.

  “The truth?”

  “David doesn’t know what he wants but he is looking for someone like Diana.”

  “I see. The familiar.”

  “How did it dissolve?”

  “One week Heidi got a letter from the INS, Deutsche Bank refused to petition her for a Green Card, and her work visa was expiring in two months. We had the talk about her having to leave the country. When I said I had no interest in moving to Germany because I was making plans to relocate to California, that was it. She packed up and left New York within two weeks. Deutsche Bank sped up her transfer back to head office and paid for her relocation. It worked out in her favor I guess. Heidi had a promotion waiting for her back in Frankfurt.”

  “How did you feel about her leaving so quickly? Just like Diana did.”

  “The day after she left I deleted all but one photo of us. It was the picture a friend took of us on our first date at a Christmas party.”

  “Being suddenly an ocean and a continent apart from Heidi after five years was the next emotional hit in your life?”

  “Yes. A month later I moved to San Francisco to open our West Coast office and buy this unit.”

  “Then you started a new relationship a few months after settling in California. Had you gotten over Heidi and Diana somewhat before beginning this next relationship?”

  “Must have been. Met her, Elizabeth, through friends here in San Francisco. She was newly divorced with two young kids in Laurel Heights and worked nearby as a special education.”

  “Instant family.”

  “Elizabeth and I were in the same places.”

  “Same places?”

  “Both divorced and wanted a have a relationship because we weren’t used to being alone. It was comfortable.”

  “Sounds like you were both at the same level of emotional availability? Wanting someone but not ready or willing to go beyond a certain level seriousness.”

  “Describes it well.”

  “She didn’t trust that I wasn’t leading a double like in New York. My first two years after opening our California office I was bi-coastal. Half the month in California and other half in New York.”

  “Were you? Living another life when you were on the East Coast?”

  “Her brother found out that I was dating a younger woman back in New York. Just happened. Elizabeth ended it. After that relationship ended was when my memory lapses began. There are periods of time that I can’t remember, even if people show me photos, it’s a blank.”

  “Was it the loss of a family life in a place where you had no family combined with medication not working that amplified your memory lapses?”

  “The medication, alcohol, the loss of the company to my partner, all that stress, the mania came back more intense than before.”

  “Did the mania seem similar to the other times you had a manic episode?”

  “No, it was more erratic, or I acted very unpredictable. Not like before. Like my personality would change frequently but it was still me.”

  “Did the relationship with the younger woman in New York continue after Elizabeth broke it off?”

  “No. She wanted to have kids but I didn’t.”

  “Sounds like she wanted something real, like a marriage and family life.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “From the time your memory began to fade, what pockets of memory are missing, according to you and those close to you?”

  “First it was my math, then little things phone numbers or bus routes began to fade from my short-term memory, I started forgetting things at home or my office, minor details but often. Passwords were impossible to memorize and when I attended events, it was hard to remember what happened the entire time.”

  “How about more emotional memories that have been lost?”

  “My daughter, Sabrina, fills me in all the time. The only things I remember are major holidays and family events. I can still remember what went on at Thanksgiving and Christmas or birthday, important social engagements. It’s the minor stuff that doesn’t record. Minor meetings, errands, even memories from the time I temporarily moved back to New York for three months last year. There are details about Sabrina’s early years that began fading. I don’t remember anything about my younger daughter being born.”

  “You have another child?”

  “Yes. She is three years old now. Her mother named her Kaja.”

  “Is she here in California or back East? Which one of your relationships did you have a child with?”

  “None of the women I have mentioned so far. Kaja is in Napa with her mother. Sabrina is the record keeper and reminds me of Kaja’s birthday or school events.”

  “When did you last see Kaja?”

  “Her mother won’t allow me to see her. She didn’t list my name on her birth certificate. I was apparently manic the last time I saw Kaja.”

  “When was that?”

  “Sabrina says it was two years ago. She sees her sister often and takes pictures to share with me. Kaja’s mom lets Sabrina visit whenever she wants. Sabrina has been my source of information about Kaja.”

  “Was Kaja the product of another relationship here in California after Elizabeth? Or the result of a faux one due to a manic episode?”

  “My medical
files state that I was very manic, euphoric, during the whole relationship with Rachel. That’s Kaja’s mother. We were together at the same time that I was experiencing brain zaps, going weeks without taking Paxil, had blackouts and was acting erratic according to friends and family.”

  “How much do you know or remember from that time with Rachel?”