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  During the fifteen-minute wait, do whatever you want except eat. Read a magazine, check your email, listen to your favorite music, or write in your journal. You may also want to use the time to figure out why you want to eat. Perhaps it’s because you don’t feel like doing something else you’re supposed to do, like write thank-you cards or work on taxes. It’s important to understand what behavior or emotion you’re avoiding when you turn to food for gratification. Make a mental list of what’s still on your to-do list that may be stressing or “eating at” you. Then ask yourself, Will eating now add to or subtract from these pressures or demands? What behavior will help me reduce my tension?

  After fifteen minutes, you may decide that you don’t need the food, which is ideal. If you do decide to eat, or even to binge, place the food(s) and the amounts you typically eat, if you can recall from previous overeating or bingeing episodes, on a counter or table. Why do this? Because it forces you to ask: How many ice-cream sandwiches might I eat? How much cheese and crackers? How many chips? And so forth. When you see all that food in front of you, you may be surprised. You may find yourself thinking instead, I’ll have just one ice-cream sandwich or two handfuls of chips. This exercise helps you to slow down the process of overeating and develop the capacity to delay gratification and self-regulate.

  HANDLING FEELINGS WITHOUT FOOD

  After reading through the common barriers to overcoming emotional eating, you may have had a few realizations. Even if there were no surprises, perhaps you got confirmation that, yes, this is your issue and you now understand it better. By figuring out why you use food to cope with emotions and why you’ve struggled to stop, you can now take steps to fix it. That’s what this next exercise is about.

  Step 1: Question Yourself

  The next time you feel like mainlining a pizza, stop and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Am I really physically hungry?

  2. What emotional state am I experiencing now? Label it. (Example: “I am sad because my sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer.”)

  3. Decide how to handle your feelings. (Example: Call her. Empathize with her. Offer help. Talk to your husband and tell him: “I would like to go to California to help my sister during her treatments.”)

  4. Learn to tolerate the reactions of others. (Example: In an ideal world, everyone would be understanding of the fact that you want to help your sister, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. If your husband responds negatively to your decision—perhaps he gives you a hard time about going and complains about having to take care of the kids while you’re away—try to hear him out without being defensive. Let him know that you understand and respect the dilemma this will impose, but this is something you have to do.)

  5. Be assertive. Clearly, calmly, and confidently tell others what you plan to do to address their concerns. (Example: You will help make arrangements for someone to take care of the kids for two weekends while you’re away.)

  6. Accept the responses of others. (Example: Your husband may still be unhappy, saying that you shouldn’t be putting your sister’s needs before your family’s. But applaud yourself for doing what’s right for you and your sister. Explain to your husband that it’s important that you be there to help your sister during this difficult time—not just for her but for you. Explain that you’ll do all you can to make your absence as easy as it can be for him and the kids. At this point, take a moment to remind yourself that you don’t need to give in to the stress or feelings of guilt and binge: “I need to be strong and speak up for myself.”)

  Answering these questions can be discomforting, even painful, but it’s critical. If you don’t take the time to ask them and be honest with yourself, you’ll miss a golden opportunity to not only fend off overeating or an all-out binge but also gain a sense of control over your eating and yourself. When emotions run high—emotions that you may bury the rest of the day; emotions that are the very reason you overeat—you become vulnerable to an overeating episode. The above questions will help you identify these emotions and label them, which helps make them easier to handle.

  Step 2: Find a Healthy Replacement

  Whenever you want to cuddle up with your favorite security blanket—food—reach for a healthier coping tool. It can be an object (for instance, a T-shirt that makes you feel comfortable and safe), a person (such as a friend who can lift your mood), an activity (like going for a walk or run, or watching a movie), or something spiritual (a prayer that gives you perspective). In fact, you might want to make a list of all the things that help relax, soothe, and comfort you or provide entertainment and stimulation. Learning how to shift moods with music, movies, exercise, books, and prayer instead of food is crucial for long-term weight loss success.

  To figure out what healthy coping tools you should use, review the following list. Then you can turn to these things when you’re otherwise tempted to turn to eating. It might not always work, especially at first, but in time it will help you gradually change your thinking and reactions. Remember, a little bit of change each day leads to major change over time. When the urge to overeat strikes, instead focus on:

  1. Music: Does classical, folk, jazz, Christian, new age, country, or rock help you shift moods or feel energized or relaxed when you need it? Put CDs of this type of music on your list.

  2. Movies: What movies help you change moods? Dramas? Comedies? Romances? Musicals? Action films? Jot down the names of the DVDs that soothe your soul or get you moving.

  3. Clothes: Do you prefer sweats, warm pj’s, old sweaters from someone you love, or warm, fluffy blankets? Does that vibrant yellow T-shirt brighten your mood? What clothes, colors, and fabrics make you feel comfortable and safe? Use your list to keep an inventory of these clothes, and pull them out when you feel cold, empty, or lonely.

  4. Exercise: Does taking a walk calm you down? Or maybe going for a bike ride or pedaling your exercise bike in the basement while watching TV? Exercise is a fantastic stress reliever, and, as you’ll read in chapter 4, also a mood booster. Exercise is also an extremely effective way to deal with the emotional pain that I mentioned earlier. This might seem like a contradiction; many people avoid exercise because it’s painful or uncomfortable. But, interestingly, exercise actually increases our tolerance to both physical and emotional pain. In a way, we can become almost bulletproof as we increase our strength and endurance. Your perspective changes after you’ve experienced the discipline of training, especially if you trained for a race and crossed the finish line. You might think, What’s the big deal of simply confronting someone when I’ve pounded out all those miles? (For more on exercise and where to start, check out appendix 6, starting on page 255.) So make a note of the activities you find most satisfying and relaxing.

  5. Family and friends: With whom do you enjoy spending time? Jot down the names of these people. Bonding with family members, catching up with friends, meeting new people, or getting to know people in your neighborhood serves a dual purpose: Not only do they fill up your time, leaving you less time to overeat, but they also help fulfill you. We’re often hesitant to reach out to friends or family members—people are so busy. But a support system of people who encourage your new healthy lifestyle is critical to staying balanced and motivated. And remember, you can offer people as much as or more than you take. So pick up the phone, chat, make plans to go out. And if texting or emailing does the trick and keeps you away from the chips and cookies, then go for it! Refer back to the “Demands versus Resources” list you drew up: Are there enough people in your resource list to offer you support? If not, work on establishing new friendships. And consider a support group, either in person or online. Mary Jo Schneider, profiled in chapter 1, credits Overeaters Anonymous for her weight maintenance success.

  6. Crafts: What forms of creative expression do you enjoy? Add these to your list. Knitting a sweater for your grandchild, sculpting clay to express your feelings, creating homemade cards for those you love, putting together a s
crapbook of happy memories or good times—all of these are ways to positively distract or enliven yourself, or channel your negative thoughts and feelings.

  7. Unmet goals: What’s the one thing you’ve always wanted to do? Have you dreamed of scuba diving or jumping out of an airplane? Do you want to learn a new language or backpack through Europe? Put these on your list, and when you’re tempted to use food to cope, instead take some time to map out how to make these dreams a reality. You’ll find it infinitely more rewarding and enjoyable than overeating.

  8. Spirituality: Which prayers, inspirational books, sacred objects (such as a rosary or a bell for meditation) inspire you during times when you want to give in and binge or overeat? Make a note of the spiritual symbols or books that you can reach for when you want to reach for food.

  9. Charity work: What are some nonprofit groups or organizations with which you’d like to work? By volunteering at a soup kitchen, helping out at a church clothing drive, or working on raising funds for a community center, you get the joy of helping others in need—an obvious perk. Plus, you’re able to bond with other people as you work toward a common goal, which can also make you feel good about yourself.

  10. Community: How can you get involved in your neighborhood? Whether you take a class or seminar at your local high school, attend civic or school board meetings, or become an EMT, you’ll feel invested in your community, which can help give your life meaning and purpose. Look through your local newspaper to find events and meetings that spark your interest.

  11. What else can you add to your list that can replace food as a way to deal with uncomfortable feelings, people, or situations?______________________________

  ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS

  I’ve given you a lot to think about and a lot of strategies to try. Where to begin? Start with one specific goal that you can work on today, tomorrow, or sometime this week at the latest to overcome emotional eating. To close in on your goal, think back to which of the exercises in this chapter most resonated with you. Perhaps you want to try waiting fifteen minutes before eating. Or maybe you want to work on setting boundaries by drawing up a job description. Here are a couple of examples of goals you can set; feel free to come up with your own or tweak these.

  1. Add a new resource. If in completing the exercise on page 69, you find you’re short on resources, use the goal-setting worksheet on the following page to plan how you’re going to find extra resources. For example, “I’ll do my grocery shopping online each week and have the packages delivered to the house. That way, I can use the time I would have spent at the store to go to the gym.” Or, “On saturdays, I’ll take the baby to my mother-in-law’s for three hours so I can prepare a few healthy meals for the week.”

  2. Find nonfood ways to relax. If you discover in the Lifestyle Log that you turn to food to cope with stress, then look at the list of suggestions beginning on page 75, or come up with other ways to soothe and comfort yourself. For instance, you could plan to keep snacks out of your desk drawer and take a fifteen-minute walk during your lunch break. Or schedule a night out with your spouse or a friend once a week.

  Setting a goal is only the first step—you also have to devise a plan to achieve it. That’s where the goal-setting worksheet comes into play. It can help you map out a timeline, pinpoint potential barriers, and create strategies to overcome them. Check out the sample worksheet below for inspiration, then turn to appendix 4 to begin your own. (You can also download copies for free at www.thebestlife.com/motivation.) After you set your goal, check back in with your worksheet after twenty-four hours to make sure everything is going smoothly. If you need to make any adjustments, do so then. Give yourself two weeks to work on your chosen goal. Hopefully, by then you should be in the routine of doing it, and it will become a good habit. After the two weeks are up, set a new two-week goal, and so on.

  WHAT YOUR GOAL-SETTING WORKSHEET MIGHT LOOK LIKE

  1. What is my emotional-eating goal? Choose a realistic goal you feel you can achieve. For example: “I want to cut down my episodes of overeating at night.”

  2. What is the most positive outcome of achieving this goal? It’s important that you can identify the advantages of working toward your goal; this will serve as powerful motivation. For instance: “I won’t feel so helpless, out of control, and disgusted with myself after I pig out. Plus, not eating so many calories at night would certainly help me lose weight.”

  3. What is the main obstacle standing in my way? For example: “I have overeaten at night ever since I was in college, and I’m afraid that if I stop doing so, I will not be able to calm down and unwind enough to get to sleep.”

  4. How can I overcome the obstacle? Give specifics, such as how you’ll do it and when. For example: “I’ll develop a new routine that helps me settle down at the end of the day. After dinner, I can walk my dog and play with the kids, then read a book for a while after they go to bed. Before I go to bed, I can play soft, relaxing music and practice deep breathing exercises.”

  5. How do I prevent the obstacle from occurring in the first place? Again, focus on how and when. For instance: “I may have to lessen my demands so that I am not so wound up at the end of the day. I could put my kids in bed earlier so that I have some downtime to relax before bed.”

  6. How, specifically, should I achieve my emotional-eating goal? Be as specific as possible, focusing once more on how and when. For example: “I can have dinner with the kids at six o’clock, then clean up the kitchen and enjoy the kids. I will put them to bed at eight instead of nine-thirty, and between eight and ten o’clock, I can engage in relaxing, enjoyable activities to replace binge eating.”

  In this chapter, I’ve outlined a bunch of strategies to help you recognize and overcome emotional eating once and for all. You’ve learned how to tolerate feelings, and accept and learn from them so that you no longer have to numb them or stuff them down with food. You’ve learned techniques to set boundaries and change your relationships with others, and you’ve also learned how to get your needs met through people instead of food. You’ve learned strategies for strengthening your willpower and delaying gratification. Remember, developing a healthy relationship with food is a process, so I encourage you to check back into this chapter whenever you need a refresher or a motivation boost.

  * * *

  * Names of all Ann Kearney-Cooke’s patients in this chapter and in chapters 5 and 7 have been changed to protect their privacy.

  3

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  REWIRING YOUR SUGAR-, FAT-, AND SALT-LOVING BRAIN

  * * *

  By Janis Jibrin

  WE’VE ALL GOTTEN UP from a table feeling way too stuffed, or told ourselves we’d have just one cookie, but then had another, and then a few more. Very few people have perfect control around food, and, fortunately, your body can deal with occasional lapses. But when overeating becomes the norm, and you’re out of control around food, it can be bewildering. What’s happening is that a very real, very powerful set of forces—from your physiological makeup to the environment you live in—are driving you to overdo it. Understanding those forces, and how to outsmart them, is what this chapter is all about.

  Feeling controlled by food isn’t easy to admit to yourself, much less to others. I had a client, whom I’ll call Carol, who for months faithfully showed up at my office every Thursday. We’d pore over her food record, searching for clues as to why this highly accomplished lawyer, mother, and wife was one hundred pounds too heavy. High-fiber cereal for breakfast, equally nutritious foods for lunch and dinner, the occasional controlled splurge—it all looked so good. Obviously, it was too good. She lost a few pounds and then told me she was too busy to come back. A year later, I got an email from her confessing that she was a food addict who sneaked candy, cookies, and chips when no one was looking. She wrote, “Like any good addict, I lied about what I was doing because I was embarrassed. Without my being honest, there really wasn’t a way for you to help me. I had to get desperate enough. Event
ually, it became more painful to carry on as I was than it was to admit my addiction.” When Carol started working on her food addiction—using many of the techniques you’ll find in this chapter—weight loss was a natural side effect. She’s been at a healthy weight for two and half years, and maintaining gets easier all the time.

  Carol may have been able to own up to and deal with her food addiction sooner if she’d known that it’s largely not her fault. If you struggle with your eating, I’m hoping that learning about all the forces that drive you to overeat will help you let go of some of the shame and guilt that come from being controlled by food—emotions that only interfere with your efforts to trim down.

  The thing to remember is that while the drive to overeat is strong, you’re more powerful. It may not seem this way when you’re face to face with a double chocolate cake or you’re staring down a platter of French fries, but it’s true. You just need to find the right techniques that will put you back in control of your eating, your weight, and, ultimately, your health and happiness. And no diet can do this for you. In fact, going on a diet may be the worst thing you can do. Instead, you need to arm yourself with new ways of relating to food, thinking about food, and, incidentally, not thinking about food. I’ll share my full arsenal with you in this chapter. But first I’ll explain the forces that compel you to overeat and keep you overweight, despite your best efforts.