The Life You Want Read online

  What happens, then, when you grow up with a mother who is emotionally damaged and is extremely needy herself? What are the effects of being raised by a mom who is depressed, overwhelmed, deprived, and even angry about having to respond to the natural needs of a child? When a woman is unable to mother her child, oftentimes the roles switch and the child becomes the parent. You may have learned to ignore or distract yourself from your own needs and become focused on fulfilling everyone else’s needs. You probably became self-sufficient at an early age, doing things for yourself that most other kids’ mothers did for them. You may have become overly sensitive and driven to meet your mother’s needs and to make her happy.

  That caretaker or mother role that you assumed isn’t limited to that particular parent-child relationship—it can also spill over into your friendships, your marriage, and your relationships with your children and even your coworkers. Because you’re an expert at anticipating and taking care of others’ needs, you probably gravitate toward needy people. That’s what you’re used to. You are comfortable in this role and become the selfless mother, ever-giving husband, or overly dedicated friend. You remain unaware of your own suppressed neediness because you focus on the needs of others.

  But over the years, this driven and relentless giving to others of what you never received yourself becomes more and more frustrating and exhausting. The result is that you increasingly feel deprived, resentful, and hungry all the time. You may finish breakfast and then obsess about what you will eat for lunch all morning. It keeps you distracted and out of touch with any yearnings of your own for attention, care, and respect. You may live with chronic dissatisfaction from being trapped in unsatisfactory relationships in which you give a lot and get little back. When feelings of resentment, loneliness, or exhaustion enter your consciousness, you head to the kitchen to eat.

  If this is your situation, then you’ve been hungry a long time—hungry for the comfort of a warm, nurturing voice, loving touch, and wisdom and guidance from another. It’s time to become conscious of the hungers and needs that you have disowned and locked away to survive childhood. You now have to learn to listen to your body, to acknowledge your profound hunger for the mothering that your mother was not able to give. Try sitting with these newly conscious and intense hungers, share them with others, or even keep a journal about them. Then make a commitment to nurture and mother yourself.

  Ultimately, you should take some time to assess all of your relationships—including the one you have with yourself—to see if they play a role in your struggle with emotional eating. You may notice a trend or a vicious cycle in which the same people and situations can trigger repetitive emotional eating. To help you understand how your relationships lead to emotional overeating, ask yourself four questions:

  1. Who are the three people I am closest to?

  Examples: Your work colleague, your sister, and your best friend from childhood.

  2. How do I eat before, while, and after I am with them? Is there a pattern?

  Example: On Monday mornings before work, you always meet your colleague to “start off the work week.” You notice that you eat two bagels instead of one and that you’re scarfing down your food.

  3. What are my expectations of them?

  Example: I want my colleague to complete her own work and not expect me to cover for her when she overextends her lunch hour or wants to leave early. I want her to listen to me when we meet on Mondays rather than the whole conversation focusing on her.

  4. What can I do to help me feel better when these people don’t meet my expectations without straying from my weight loss or healthy lifestyle plan? (It’s important to realize that no one can be there for you 24/7. You have to have other sources of fuel and comfort available. Later in this chapter, we will talk about finding healthier alternatives to food.)

  Example: Rather than hoping that your colleague will just do the right thing or read your mind, tell her you’re uncomfortable covering for her and that she needs to find another way to manage her time and work demands. And discuss sharing time at your Monday breakfasts.

  BARRIER: STRESS FROM BEING OVEREXTENDED

  AND OVERSCHEDULED

  The questions and demands start from the moment you wake up. Do the kids have to be picked up after school? Did I write up the summary of the PTA meeting? What should I wear? When will I visit my mother in the nursing home? Which email should I return first? Should I be answering my cell phone or my home phone? What will we have for dinner tonight?

  BREATHING: AN INSTANT STRESS BREAKER

  Need a simple way to soothe stress? Just breathe. Breathing, which is something you can easily control and regulate, can help you feel more relaxed and clear your mind. Whenever you feel frazzled or tense, try taking five to ten minutes to practice the following breathing exercise. Feel free to repeat it several times a day.

  Start by finding a quiet, comfortable space where you will not be interrupted. Sit with your back straight, close your eyes, and quietly inhale through your nose, and say to yourself, Rising, as your chest rises. Then exhale completely through your mouth to the count of six and say to yourself, Falling, as your chest falls. Your mind will wander, and when it does, simply label the thought and then return to taking a deep breath: Rising. So if you think about a project at work, simply say to yourself, Work, then return to your breath.

  Deep breathing is one of the best ways to lower stress because it sends a message to the brain to calm down and relax. Your brain, in turn, sends a message to your body to slow your heart rate, lower blood pressure, and unwind.

  When the demands in your life outnumber the resources, your stress level skyrockets. Even if you can keep this juggling act going, at least one person is going to suffer: you! To cope with the excessive demands of life, you turn to food. How did things get to this point? Often, it’s that you’re a giving person—too giving—and you need more boundaries. You have a hard time saying no. There are lots of reasons for that, including the desire for approval, the need to feel indispensable, the feeling that people won’t like or love you unless you do—actually, over do—for them. You might not consider yourself worthy of getting your own needs met.

  LIBERATED BY A NEW JOB DESCRIPTION

  Susan Bronell, a forty-five-year-old mother of twin college freshman, sought therapy to stop bingeing and lose weight permanently. When the twins were in high school, she worked part-time as a nurse and was active in the PTA and her kids’ sports organizations. She was an incredible mother who had a hard time saying no, and as a result, she struggled with emotional eating for ten years.

  In the fall, the boys went away to college; Susan decided it was time to work on herself. She took a cooking class, started exercising regularly, and participated in a twenty-week therapy group for overeaters. She did amazingly well, stopped overeating, and began to train for a fitness event that kept her active for months.

  She had more time for herself because she was no longer burdened with cooking, cleaning, and looking after her children. She and her husband enjoyed a more relaxed lifestyle; they went out to eat twice a week. Some nights they kept it simple at home, enjoying a glass of wine, cheese, bread, salad, and fruit. Although she loved being a mom, she embraced the freedom of not having children at home.

  When the boys returned from college in May, they dropped their dirty clothes in the laundry room and said they hated the dorm food and couldn’t wait to eat some home-cooked meals. Mary was excited to see them, but not to cook their nightly dinners, launder their clothes, and pick up after them again. When she begrudgingly resumed these caretaking habits, she began overeating again.

  She returned to therapy for a “booster” session and to get back on track with healthy eating. She shared that she loved her sons, but she had gotten used to the freedom she’d gained while they were away. Mary said she was resentful that they did their own laundry for nine months at college but wanted her to do it now.

  Once again, she needed to be reminded that
she couldn’t consistently set boundaries with food until she consistently set them in other areas of her life. Her job description as a mother to twin eight-year-old boys was different than that for two nineteen-year-old men. Susan needed to update her job description. She had to ask herself: What do I still need to do for them, and what do they need to do for themselves?

  She decided that it was no longer her job to do their laundry or to cook nightly dinners. She told her sons that she would cook three nights during the week, the family would share carry-out food one night, and on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday they would be on their own. She also let them know that since they’d done their laundry all year at school, they would need to do it for themselves at home as well.

  Soon Susan found that she enjoyed her time with her sons more and felt less burdened by others’ demands. She was back to eating healthfully and exercising, and she lost the weight she had regained. Setting better boundaries gave her more room to enjoy both her relationships with food and with people.

  Most people are able to drop some weight once they start dieting, but if you haven’t dealt with the fact that you’re constantly overscheduled and exhausted, you will eventually overeat again; the weight loss won’t last. Until you can say no to others, you won’t be able to say no to food.

  Emotional eating is both a reaction to poor boundaries—you eat because you’re so stressed out from doing so much for others—and, in itself, a loss of boundaries. When you are eating healthfully, you enjoy the smell, texture, and taste of food, and then you are done. You may brush your teeth or move to another part of the house for the rest of the night and enjoy your evening activities. But if after dinner you eat the food left on your kids’ plates and then go to the freezer for ice cream, you are experiencing a loss of boundaries. The meal is over, and you should be done. Make sure that you fill your plate with enough healthy foods to leave you satisfied. If you do and you’re still eating, that’s a problem. Lacking boundaries leaves you lacking: You can’t consistently set boundaries with food until you set them in other areas of your life. Once you’re able to establish some healthy boundaries in your life, you’ll find that you’re not as overscheduled, stressed, or chaotic, which can help reduce emotional eating. You’ll be more relaxed and have the focus and energy to do what is needed for long-term weight loss.

  So how do you go about setting boundaries? I recommend creating a job description for yourself as Susan did (page 66). Many companies give out a job description— basically a list of work responsibilities—to new employees. Drawing up a job description for your life can be just as useful; once you outline your responsibilities in life, it’s easier to set boundaries for yourself and others.

  As you write your job description, take some time to think about who and what you’re responsible for in your life: Is it just you? Your spouse? Your children? Your parents? Think about what’s realistic in terms of caring for yourself and these other people in your life. Should you be in charge of all household tasks—cooking, cleaning, laundry, and so on—or should these be shared? Are there some tasks that you can delegate to others, including family members, friends, and coworkers? Part of setting appropriate boundaries is learning which responsibilities in your life you can let go of and who can take them on.

  BALANCE YOUR DEMANDS AND RESOURCES

  We’re all trying to find a balance between the demands in our lives and the resources we have to deal with them. When you know which foods you should be eating but can’t seem to do it, it’s often a sign you need to increase your resources or decrease your demands. You’ll need to pay attention to what’s going on in your life, sometimes on a day-to-day basis, to make sure there’s a balance between the two. To get a clear picture, use the following worksheet.

  Start by writing down your demands, or all the tasks you need to do in a given day, in the left column. It might include things like taking your children to school, going food shopping, getting to work, and so on. In the right-hand column, list the resources you have to deal with those demands. Resources are concrete sources of help, such as a neighbor who can drop your child off at school or an inheritance a family member has left you that you can put toward a babysitter or bills. Resources also include enjoyable activities that help reduce tension. Time with friends, exercise, meditation, involvement in a spiritual community such as your church, Overeaters Anonymous, or even an online support group are all resources.

  DEMANDS VERSUS RESOURCES

  Demands Resources

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  ________________________ ________________________

  Take a look at what you’ve written. Is the Demands column longer than the Resources column? Are you working too many hours? Do you have too many responsibilities? When stressful demands outnumber resources, symptoms like overeating or drinking arise in response to the pain or discomfort of an unbalanced lifestyle. To keep these symptoms from worsening or to prevent them altogether, change is required—whether that entails giving up certain things in your life, delegating them to others, or asking for more help or support from friends or family members. If you don’t do this, you will continue to engage in unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to numb the pain of living this way. Another great exercise that can help restore balance in your life is Bob’s Circle of Life, which you can find on his website, www.thebestlife.com.

  BARRIER: INABILITY TO DELAY GRATIFICATION

  For long-term weight loss to occur, you have to develop the capacity to delay gratification, and this involves strengthening your willpower. Emotional eaters typically want to feel good fast. For example, if you’re an emotional eater and you’re upset about a fight you had with a family member, a bowl of ice cream or a handful of cookies will take the edge off in just a few minutes. True, it’s a temporary fix, but it’s a fix nonetheless. People who use healthy coping techniques, however, don’t necessarily get this relief right away. Instead of turning to food, they might sit and think about the argument, come up with some solutions or compromises, and then call the family member to discuss the problem. After some initial discomfort, the person is able to resolve the problem. As you can see, the latter technique involves insight and emotional strength.

  Fortunately, researchers have found that we can increase willpower. It’s like a muscle; the more we use it, the stronger it gets. Taking time to appreciate the things you value in life, thinking positively or even laughing, can help you build your resolve. Another way to develop willpower: Practice postponing gratification. The following exercise can help you do just that.

  LEARNING TO WAIT

  When you go into the kitchen hunting around for food, ask yourself this: Are you really physically hungry, or are you bored, thirsty, lonely, and so on? (you can use the Hunger Scale on pages 230–231 to assess this.) If the answer is “I just ate dinner, so I’m not hungry,” wait fifteen minutes. Say to yourself, I can eat all I want then, but first I have to wait it out.

  THE BREAKDOWN OF A BINGE

  You were going to have just one cookie, and you had five—is that a binge? Maybe, maybe not. Or perhaps you went back into the kitchen after dinner and polished off a package of cheese, six frozen waffles, a half jar of peanut butter, and a pint of ice cream, all the while feeling powerless to stop. Now, that’s definitely a binge. While the term is used loosely to describe overeating, for psychologists, nutritionists, and others who deal with eating issues, bingeing involves two factors: eating a large quantity of food and feeling out of contro
l. So the occasional overeating to the tune of five medium-sized cookies, with no negative impact on your life, probably isn’t a binge. But if you felt very out of control eating those cookies, well, then you’re starting to get into binge territory.

  Along with anorexia (pathological undereating) and bulimia (bingeing and purging), psychologists are giving serious consideration to officially creating a separate and distinct eating disorder called binge eating disorder. This involves bingeing that is not followed by self-induced vomiting, as in bulimia. Recent research suggests that the disorder is more common than anorexia and bulimia. One study sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health indicates that about 3.5 percent of women and 2 percent of men have had binge eating disorders in their lifetime, making it four times as prevalent as anorexia and about twice as common as bulimia.

  Bingeing, in the clinical sense, is an extreme form of using food to cope. Bingers describe the feeling as numbing and exhilarating but at the same time shameful and painful (emotionally and literally, as the stomach stretches to accommodate all that food). If you’re a binger, many of the issues you’re addressing in this chapter and in the next chapter—eliminating major sources of stress, learning new coping skills, changing your taste preferences—can help resolve your bingeing problem.