Free as a Bird Read online

  “Tell me — did you have written authorization to take this patient out of the institution?” Millie dint wait for Grace to answer. “Of course, you didn’t. Ward 33 residents aren’t allowed to go out in public unless there’s specific permission — spe-cif-ic per-miss-ion. Get it? And I’m the one who gives permission. So what made you think you could just take Ruby Jean out without my permission?” Millie wagged her finger so hard at Grace I thought it was gunna fall off. “Well? What have you got to say for yourself?”

  Grace’s cheeks were shiny pink. I wondered if she was gunna cry. She’d never had Millie yell at her before. I waited for Millie to start callin her names too.

  “You’re right, Nurse. I didn’t have permission to take Ruby Jean out. But I swear, she did talk.” Grace’s voice was awful small an shaky.

  “Do you realize that if anything had happened to Ruby Jean while she was outside the institution we all could have lost our jobs?”

  I knowed there’s lotta things I don’t understan on account of me not bein so smart. But one thing I knowed for sure was that I weren’t so important as Millie said. That’s why I knowed she was lyin to Grace — yup, jus like Gramma use to say, lyin her head off.

  “I’m sorry that I didn’t follow procedures,” Grace said. “But, after all, Ruby Jean is in the life-skills program. We all hope one day soon she can be moved out of this place. She needs to get used to life beyond Woodlands, to know what it’s like to live without locks and bars, to live in the real world.”

  Oh-oh. By the look on Millie’s face I think maybe Grace said somethin real bad. I’d seen her face turn bright red like that lotsa times an knowed what Grace was in for now.

  “How dare you suggest Ruby Jean hasn’t been given the best life has to offer. How many can say they have a whole team of people lined up to make their meals, wash their clothes, clean their noses, and wipe their butts?

  Nobody — except maybe the queen of England!”

  “I’m sure it’s true that you all do a good job of looking after her physical needs, but Ruby Jean’s more than just a body. She has a mind hungry for stimulation, a soul starving for affection. She wants to be useful and valued. And you don’t need to be the queen of England to deserve all of that.” Grace was shakin so much I thought maybe she’d fall down.

  “First of all, you’ll never teach this one enough for her to live outside this institution — so get that fancy idea out of your head. And second, your disregard for rules is going to cost you dearly — count on it. Ruby Jean, come with me.”

  Millie grabbed my hand an pulled me toward my room. I tried my best to keep my eyes on Grace, but they was fillin with tears. Before I knowed it she disappeared through the meddal door — jus like Mom and Harold when I was eight.

  That night Bernice had to call for help. “Get the Boys up here again to handle Ruby Jean.” When they came they grabbed my arms an twisted em hind my back. I was tryin to fight em off an that’s when my pink hair band fell onto the floor. One of the Boys stepped on it an it snapped in two. That made me even madder — yup, almost as nutso as Jimmy T. I scratched an bit as hards I could, but priddy soon I felt a sharp pain in my arm again. Can’t member what happened after that.

  When I woke up the nex mornin I was lyin on the cold floor of the bad kid room. Millie came in — she had a bandage on her cheek. “So, Ruby Jean, I heard you were a bad girl last night too. Well, there’s going to be none of that today. You hear? I don’t have a problem calling the Boys again.” I wasn’t gunna be a bad girl that day cause I was too tired an too sad.

  I waited a long time for Grace to come for me. It was hard waitin so I started scratchin my hands an made lotsa bleedin sores all over em. After a long time I went to bed, an after nother sleep waited for Grace again. But she dint never come.

  When I was liddle an dint listen to Mom, she got angry at me. “You’re a pain in the neck, Ruby Jean, and I’m fed up with you.” After she said that lots an lots of times she an Harold left me at Woodlands. Guess I must’ve been a pain in the neck to Grace too — that’s why she never came back.

  Uniforms wrapped my hands in bandages so’s I couldn’t scratch em no more. They dint do nothin for my sore heart — nope, guess they dint have bandages for that. I felt jus like a empty glass jar that had no jam inside. No more liddle brown house, no more toast an tea, an I was never gunna learn to make Mrs. Jiffy muffins. Stead I sat an watched As the World Turns.

  After a while I started bitin the uniforms again. An when I couldn’t do that I bit myself — yup, bit myself hard all over my hands, my arms, an anything else I could reach. I spose that’s why the uniforms wrapped me up in a straitjacket an tied me down to a chair. That’s when everybody turned fraid of me — even Susan wouldn’t sit near me. That made me feel awful sad — yup, cause that’s when I knowed I was all alone.

  chapter 5

  After Grace stopped comin I got more sad an more mad than I ever was before. I did my best to get the uniforms mad too — I messed myself, dint eat, an got so’s I liked makin the others scared. But that dint last so long cause the uniforms started givin me the pills.

  The pills made me awful sleepy — yup, so sleepy I couldn’t do bad things no more. Alls I could do was sit in a chair all day an drool. Couldn’t walk, dint wash myself, dint brush my hair or dress myself neither. I was jus like a baby again.

  When I was liddle I had a pet turtle named Herman. I membered Gramma use to laugh at Herman an say, “Ruby Jean, that turtle is the doziest creature I’ve ever seen. He’s just sleepwalking his way through life.” That’s bout what I was like — a sleepwalkin turtle. Yup, like Gramma used to say, “Eyes wide open, but there’s nobody home.”

  Some days I had imaginations — like bein in the brown house … that Grace was there … sometimes Gramma too … an we’d be eatin toast an drinkin tea. I like havin those imaginations. But night was different. I was tied to my bed so I wouldn’t bother nobody and with that feelin gone away — all I could do was think … an wish. I was awful sad — yup, so sad I sometimes moaned an cried all night long. Times like that all I wanted was for the uniforms to give me more pills or maybe even one of those shots in the arm.

  One mornin fore they gave me pills, I heard Millie talkin to Morris an Bernice outside my door. I pretended I was asleep so’s they wouldn’t bug me.

  “I don’t know what else to do. I can’t go on drugging her like this forever. On the other hand, I can’t risk having her attack us again, right?”

  Then Morris said, “Damn right — keep her doped up. She’s not the only one we’ve got to look after, for chrizesake.”

  Gramma dint like that kinda talk — she used to say anyone who cussed out the name of the Lord was a trash mouth — yup, that’s what she said, trash mouth.

  “That’s easy for you to say,” Millie said. “You don’t have doctors checking records, asking why her meds have tripled. And after thirty years in this place the last thing I need is for some doctor to accuse me of not doing my job right. I can’t risk anything interfering with my pension.”

  I wondered what a pension was an why Millie was fraid of losin it.

  Bernice told em, “I know what you mean. Dr. Bonehead called me last night too and wanted to know if anything unusual happened to Ruby Jean to cause her to start biting again. I didn’t know what to say to him.”

  “Those lab coats like to think they’re on top of what’s going on over here in the wards,” Morris said. “But if the truth be told they really don’t know a thing and don’t want to know — nobody does. We’re the only ones who know what’s really going on. That’s because we’re the ones who have to shove these halfwits out of bed every morning, hose ’em down, feed ’em, and then park ’em down the hall just so we can get ready to do it all over again after lunch.”

  Bernice laughed. “Morris, you make it sound like we’re running a factory assembly line and these kids are just a bunch of mugs that need to be stacked on a tray or widgets to be packed in a box.”
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  “Anyone who cares to be honest about it knows that’s just what they are. And when one of those widgets balls up the works it has to be fixed or dumped.”

  “Morris, stop!” Bernice said. “That’s callous — even for you. But honestly, Millie, if you’ve got doctors calling up and poking around, you’ve got a problem. You need to figure out how to fix this.”

  That day I dint get no pills. Instead I got tied to a chair and was awake all day long. The nex day too. Then one mornin I saw Millie lookin at me through the liddle window on the locked door. “Good morning, Ruby Jean,” she said after the lights snapped on an the door opened. “I have a surprise for you today.” I dint forget bout what Millie done to me an Grace, an wasn’t in no mood to listen to her.

  “C’mon, don’t you want to know about your surprise?”

  Millie pulled off my blanket an tried draggin me outta bed. I mighta liked to jump up an bite her nose off, but instead I jus rolled over.

  “Ruby Jean Sharp, if you get up and get yourself ready, you’ll be able to go out.”

  I looked up at Millie — she was smilin. Nope, I said to myself — I dint wanna get up — jus wanted some of em pills so’s I wouldn’t be sad. An maybe if I was lucky I’d have some of em nice imaginations too — imaginations of bein with Gramma an Grace at the liddle brown house or maybe I’d be goin to the big store to look at all the shiny new things.

  “I promise it’s something you’ll like.” Millie tried ticklin me, but I jus buried my head deeper in the blankets. “You like going down to the training house and learning how to take care of yourself, don’t you? How would you like to go there today?”

  The liddle brown house? Grace? I rolled over an got oudda bed awful quick — yup, so quick I wobbled an nearly fell down.

  “Not so fast, Ruby Jean. It’s been a while since you’ve been up on your feet.”

  The air in the room made me shiver an the floor was icy cold too. But I couldn’t help smilin — yup, jus like Gramma use to say, I was smilin from ear to ear. Millie dint give me the pink shirt with flowers to wear, but that dint matter. Grace was comin an we were goin to the liddle brown house.

  Millie let me wash my own self an comb my own hair. Then I followed her down to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was so happy I couldn’t sit still an tried eatin fast as I could. I wondered if me an Grace was gunna make toast an tea or maybe I was gunna finally learn to make Mrs. Jiffy muffins.

  “What’s with this one today?” Morris asked. “Looks like you gave her a shot of the happy juice.”

  “Ruby Jean?” Millie said. “Oh, she’s just excited because she’s going to the training house.”

  “Good. Let’s hope that fixes her. Like I said, if the widget’s happy, she won’t ball up the works.” Morris laughed. “And you know what that means? It’s business as usual — wake ’em, hose ’em, feed ’em, park ’em …”

  “All right already,” Millie said. “I get it.”

  I was used to bein called things like moron, idiot, an even retard, but I sure dint like bein called a widget, even though I dint knowed what that was. Gramma once told me somethin bout sticks an stones can break my bones, but names don’t break my bones. I think she meant I shouldn’t care bout what Morris called me — cause I knowed I wasn’t a widget … even if he said so.

  After eatin my cold porridge an warm milk an prunes — it mus have been Monday, cause we only got prunes on Mondays — Millie took me to the day room to wait. I watched a lady win a new car on The Price Is Right. She was so happy bout it she started jumpin round an huggin Bob Barker right there on the TV. That made me laugh, cause I was feelin like that too an wanted to jump up an down an hug somebody. That’s when Susan came over an sat nex to me. She held my hand tight. Maybe she did that cause she missed me as much as I missed her.

  Millie came into the day room a liddle later with a grey-haired lady. I never seen that lady before, but she made me think of Gramma. She had a grey button-up sweater that matched her hair, an shoes Mom use to call “all business.” But what I liked best bout her was them liddle eyes — they was laughin an sparklin all at once.

  “Ruby Jean, this is Mrs. Gentry. She’s come to take you to the training house.” I looked up at the smilin lady. Then I leaned over to see hind Millie — to see where Grace was at.

  Jus then Millie put a leash on my wrist. “Ruby Jean’s had some behaviour problems lately, but she should be okay now … we hope.” I got hot in the face when Millie said that. “She was acting out, attacking staff, so we sedated her to keep her under control. But she likes going to the training house, so I don’t expect her to give you any trouble. Just in case, though, when she’s outside this building she’s to wear this leash at all times. Do you understand?” Mrs. Gentry nodded an took the end of the leash from Millie. That’s when Millie looked at her up close. “When I called for a new life-skills worker for Ruby Jean, I was expecting someone … well, frankly, someone younger. Are you sure you can handle this?”

  Mrs. Gentry laughed. “Not to worry, my dear, not to worry.”

  “Well, Ruby Jean can be a quite a handful — aggressive, uncooperative — like that,” Millie said. “And if she doesn’t want to do something, you can talk till you’re blue in the face and she still won’t comply. Believe me, I’ve tried. And if that temper of hers flares — be careful.” I got even more hot in the face after Millie said that. “You let me know if she gives you any trouble.”

  “Thank you, Nurse, for your concern. What I’ve discovered is there’s always a way to reach people. We just need to be patient, kind, and find the key that unlocks their hearts and minds.”

  Millie laughed an said, “Whatever. Just don’t let her get away from you. There’s no telling what she might do. Don’t get me wrong, but if you ask me giving Ruby Jean the idea she’s got what it takes to live on the outside … it’s a pipe dream. But, hey, at least it keeps her happy and off the ward — so knock yourself out.” Jus then Jillian started peein in the corner. “See what I mean? They’re like animals. Jillian, you bad girl!”

  Mrs. Gentry turned to me an smiled. “Well, shall we go, my dear?”

  I followed Mrs. Gentry to the locked door. I was glad to be goin to the liddle brown house, but I dint feel much like stompin my feet down the echo stairs. I jus followed along quietly. I sure dint like wearin that leash neither. Made me feel like a dog bein walked round the block — made my arm sore too. As we walked Mrs. Gentry dint chatter away like Grace used to. But she sure did smile an hum a lot.

  When we got to the liddle brown house I wondered if it would smell like fresh bread inside or if there were flowers in the vase, or if the teakettle was waitin by the stove, or if Grace was there. But there was no smell of bread or flowers an no Grace. Soon’s we was inside Mrs. Gentry took the leash off my wrist an dropped it on the floor.

  “There now. Let’s get rid of that blasted leash. It’s not the kind of thing a young lady wears — is it, Ruby Jean? Ah, well, never mind. Say, I hear you enjoy a good cup o’ tea and can make it yourself.” I noticed somethin was different bout her voice — it dint have the same sound as other people. “My late husband, Harry, used to say the day didn’t feel right till he had a good cup o’ tea under his belt.”

  Mrs. Gentry handed me the kettle. I turned on the stove an then put water in the kettle. After that I put the kettle on the hot stove an took out two tea bags, two cups, two saucers, an the teapot — jus the way Grace showed me. Soon’s the kettle whistled I poured the hot water into the teapot. Grace said her grandma was from a place called England an they always warmed the teapot first fore makin tea. So I dumped the hot water into the sink an filled the teapot again. After that I put the tea bags in the teapot.

  “Well, now, someone’s taught you the proper way to make a good cup of tea. I thought it was only us Brits who made it that way. Very nice, Ruby Jean. Very nice, indeed.”

  That day Mrs. Gentry taught me to make a garden salad. First, I washed the ledduce like she said an to
re it into liddle bits. Then she showed me how to cut carrots an tomadoes an cucumbers jus the way they did on the TV cookin shows. It was a beaudiful salad — an tasted awful good too. Afterward I washed the dishes an Mrs. Gentry dried em.

  When we walked back to Ward 33 Mrs. Gentry dint put the leash on my arm. Stead we walked hand in hand. A liddle way fore we got back we stopped.

  “Ruby Jean, dear, I’m going to ask you for a favour.” Gramma used to call me dear. “Just so we don’t get in any trouble from the nurse I’m going to ask you to put this darned leash on. I’m sure you don’t like it — and I don’t either.” I dint always think so good, but I knowed what Mrs. Gentry wanted. I held out my arm so’s she could put the leash on. “Ah, what a dear girl you are. Grace told me you were a real sweetheart.”

  Hearin Grace’s name made me a liddle happy an a liddle sad too. I secretly wished it was her walkin side me stead of Mrs. Gentry.

  When we got back up to the ward Millie was gone home, but Bernice was there. She took the leash from Mrs. Gentry an unbuckled it. I rubbed the red mark on my arm.

  “So how did it go?” Bernice asked. “Any trouble with her?”

  Mrs. Gentry smiled. “No, there wasn’t a spot of trouble — from Ruby Jean or from me.” Mrs. Gentry winked at me. “So shall we do it again tomorrow, luv?” I smiled — maybe not so big a smile like with Grace — but I liked goin to the liddle brown house an learnin things too. “I’ll take that as a yes then. Good. See you tomorrow, my dear.”

  I watched Mrs. Gentry leave an jus fore she went through the locked door she turned back an waved at me.

  After that Mrs. Gentry took me to the brown house almost every day. I learnt lots of things — like how to tie my shoelaces an lock an unlock the front door of the liddle brown house. I learnt how to boil apples into applesauce an make soup from a can. An then Mrs. Gentry showed me how to use the TV an telephone. I learnt bout dialling 911 too — an how a nice lady would get me the police man, or the fire man or the amblance man. Cept I dint never want the amblance man to come — nope, sure dint want that.