Free as a Bird Read online

  I liked Tom — yup, he was one of the uniforms I liked best. But I never seen him do tricks so I sure dint think he was no magician — nope, not a’tall.

  That night a bed got squeezed in nex to mine. Somebody’s yellow-an-white pajamas was on top of the bed.

  “You’re going to have a new roommate, Ruby Jean,” Bernice said. “Isn’t that nice? Shirley’s going to sleep beside you.”

  I dint understand why Shirley was gunna sleep side me. She liked to stay with Paulina. They was best friends — maybe even more best friends than me an Susan. After the lights went out, I heard a liddle voice in the dark. It was Shirley.

  “Paulina’s gone away … won’t come back. Poor, Paulina. Poor, poor, Paulina. Shirley said, ‘Paulina, don’t eat so fast. You’ll get heartburn.’ Then her heart stopped and they can’t make it go again. Now they’re gunna take Paulina apart and give her away. Poor, Paulina. Shirley is sad, so, so sad. Ahh, poor, Shirley.”

  Shirley talked like that all night, but I dint mind cause she was sad bout Paulina. I was a liddle sad too, but mostly I was glad it wasn’t Susan who went away in the amblance.

  Sometimes I wondered bout dead people. Like, if no one got buried in Woodlands cemetery no more, where’d they put em? Norval told me bout that prison nex to Woodlands. He said, “There’s a graveyard over there, Ruby Jean — at the penitentiary. That’s where they bury the bad guys — the vermin and jailbirds. But they don’t put names on their gravestones … just numbers. That way nobody can tell who it is.” Norval called em vermin an jailbirds — dint zackly knowed what that meant, but dint sound good.

  Nother thing I wondered bout — after they buried em dead people — was what happened nex? Gramma use to say inside our bodies was our real self … our souls. I knowed Gramma’s real self got to go to the good heaven for nice people — that’s cause she was a awful good person. But what bout Paulina an Willy Bennett an me? Did we get to go to the nice heaven or did we hafta go to the one for vermin an jailbirds and the retards? Spect that jailbird heaven’s got barred windows an locked doors too. I sure wished I never had to go there — nope, don’t wanna go to heaven if there’s barred windows an locked doors.

  Sometimes bein a fly on the wall’s not such a good thing. That’s cause sometimes I heard things I wished I dint hear. Like the night Morris told some other uniforms bout Paulina.

  “Can you believe it — they dug out her brain and sent it to the medical school. Don’t ask me why? I mean, what could they possibly learn from the brain of a halfwit?” Then he laughed.

  I think Shirley heard him too an that’s what upset her. That night in bed she wouldn’t stop talkin bout it. “Poor Paulina, now she’s dead, lost her head, can’t get up in the morning. Poor, poor Paulina. Can’t have a headstone cause she’s got no head … nope, got no head. Shirley is so, so sad. Poor, poor Paulina.” Yup, poor Shirley an poor Paulina.

  After Paulina went away there was a lot more uniforms on Ward 33 — yup, a lot more — well, for a while anyways. Nothin happened like usual. For one thing — we all had to get oudda bed early. So that meant the porridge was warm instead of cold … the milk was cold instead of warm. The TV was off all mornin an we had nice music instead — the kind Gramma use to play on her record player. Nother thing — Grace dint take me to the liddle brown house.

  “I’m sorry we can’t go to the training centre right now, Ruby Jean. Nurse Millie says no one is allowed out of sight.” Then she smiled big an showed me a box she brung. “Never mind. I’ve brought you some things to work on.”

  I wished we could go to that nice liddle house, but I was mostly happy cause Grace came to see me. I practised zippin zippers, an doin up buttons, an foldin towels, an makin my bed.

  “Being able to do these things makes you independent, Ruby Jean,” Grace said. “Next time we’ll work on using a lock and key — something you’re going to need to do if you’re going to live in a house someday.”

  Live in a house someday? I couldn’t figure what Grace meant by that. Sometimes she said things that got me mixed up — I guess it dint help with me not bein so smart. Still, bein confused with Grace was bedder than havin to spend my days watchin As the World Turns.

  chapter 4

  After the commotion settled down on Ward 33 me an Grace went to the brown house nearly every day. I got so good at washin myself an brushin my hair an teeth that Grace said Millie an Morris should let me do it for myself every mornin after I woke up an every night before I went to bed.

  “Ruby Jean is really showing an amazing eagerness to learn,” Grace said. “I’d say she’s completely capable of taking care of her own personal hygiene, so please encourage her to practise.”

  Morris laughed. “Who’d of thought our little Ruby Jean was such an Einstein? Sharp as a tack, that one.”

  Grace frowned at him.

  Then Morris said to me, “My, my, you can take care of your own personal hygiene now. How wonderful is that?” He sniggered again.

  I dint really knowed what those words personal hygiene meant, but when Morris said em it made me feel like I had a fire inside my tummy. But even if I had the feelin — I dint try to bite him.

  “Oh, shut up, Morris,” Millie said, laughing too. “Whatever they’re doing together it’s making Ruby Jean easier to handle. With her being in such a happy mood she doesn’t have outbursts. In fact, she hasn’t had an incident for weeks. And that makes my life a lot easier.”

  Millie was right. I was awful happy … maybe as happy as when I was liddle an spent all my days with Gramma.

  One mornin Grace came for me early when I was still eatin in the cafeteria. I wasn’t finished my cold porridge an warm milk.

  “Good morning, Ruby Jean. I’m glad I caught you before you ate too much. Would you like to have breakfast at the house this morning?”

  I smiled as big as I could an she pushed my tray away. I looked to see what Millie would say. She was busy wipin Marsha’s face cause Marsha put food all over herself. I think Marsha did that so’s Millie’d give her attention.

  I stood up an waited for a uniform to say, “Sit down and eat, Ruby Jean.” But nobody even noticed me.

  “What are you waiting for, Ruby Jean?” Grace said, smilin at me “Take your bib off.”

  I pulled off my bib an left it on the table side my porridge an milk. I looked again to see what Millie would say, but now she was snappin at Catherine for pushin her tray onto the floor.

  “Damn it, Catherine, you got porridge all over my bloody shoes. Well … that’s it for you. You get nothing to eat until lunch. And it’s your own fault.”

  Grace took me by the arm an led me away. “C’mon, let’s get out of here, Ruby Jean.”

  I followed her down the hall with its polished green floors an matchin green walls. After Grace unlocked the meddal door I slipped my hand into hers. She smiled at me an squeezed it. I dunno why, but bein with Grace made me feel like maybe I was gunna laugh an cry at the same time.

  Outside the wind was whippin everythin round. Grace had a ponytail tied at the back of her head so she dint mind the blowin. But my hair was flyin in my face.

  “We should do something about your hair, Ruby Jean. You need something to keep it out of your eyes.”

  When we got inside the brown house there was a smell — yup, a awful good smell. It made me think of hot soup an soft, warm blankets on a cold day. Made me think of Gramma. I closed my eyes an took a big breath.

  “Do you like that smell, Ruby Jean? I thought you would.” Grace laughed. “That’s fresh-baked bread. After I show you how to slice it we’re going to make toast.”

  On the kitchen counter was a meddal pan with bread inside. It was round on the top an brown an I could feel it was still warm.

  “Cutting bread can be dangerous, Ruby Jean. That’s why I’m going to teach you how to do it safely. But first you need to wash your hands.”

  I walked to the sink an turned on the tap jus like I learnt. Then I rubbed my hands with the bar
of soap an worked the soap into bubbles. That’s when I noticed somethin — yup, I noticed all the sores on my hands were gone. There was still some old scars — but there was no blood an no scabs.

  “Good job, Ruby Jean. Now I want you to make a gentle bridge over the bread with your hand, just like this.”

  Grace showed me how to hold the bread. At first I squeezed too tight an the bread crumbled.

  “Okay, loosen your hand, Ruby Jean. When you’re holding the loaf of bread pretend you’re holding a kitten — ever so gently.”

  I tried to think if I ever held a kitten. Then I membered Gramma had a cat called Thomas. He was a big brown an white cat — looked like a tiger. When I was quiet an still he use to sit on my lap. He liked to be tickled under his chin an I made sure I was gentle when I did that. I decided I would try to think of Thomas an not squeeze the bread so tight.

  “That’s perfect, Ruby Jean.”

  Grace showed me how to hold the knife in my other hand while she put her hand on top of mine. Together we pushed an pulled the knife — forward an back, forward an back, over the bread.

  “There you go, Ruby Jean — a nice slice of bread that can be popped into the toaster.”

  Grace showed me how to take the toaster oudda the cupboard an plug it into the wall. Then she showed me how to put the slice of bread into it an to push down the handle. I tried to look inside to watch it toasting but there was hot air comin up into my face an I had to back off.

  “The most important thing is to never put the knife into the toaster. That’s very dangerous, Ruby Jean, and you could get hurt. Will you promise that you’ll never do that?”

  I could tell by the way Grace’s eyes were starin into me that she was tellin me somethin important. I nodded my head so she knowed I promised.

  Soon there was a licious smell fillin the kitchen, an that’s when I suddenly membered somethin. I membered I’d made toast before. Yup, Gramma showed me long time ago. After a liddle while the toast popped up.

  “Mmm, doesn’t that look good? Take the toast out and put it on the plate.” The toast was warm, even a liddle hot. “Okay, now what would you like to put on your toast, Ruby Jean — butter, jam, peanut butter — your choice?” I took the small knife off the counter an dipped it into the budder an spread it. Grace smiled. “Ruby Jean? You know how to do this, don’t you?” Then I put the knife into the peanut budder jar an spread that over my toast too. Grace had a bigger smile. Then she laughed when I put the knife into the jam jar an spread some jam over top the peanut budder. “You’re amazing, Ruby Jean. Look what you can do.”

  I broke my toast — some for Grace an some for me. We ate the toast together, but it was hard chewin with such a big smile on my face.

  After that Grace let me do it again. I cut the bread … careful not to squeeze the kitten too hard … put the slice in the toaster … an then put budder an peanut budder an jam all over it. Then I got to eat it — yup, tasted so good it made my mouth awful slurpy.

  “Ruby Jean, this is wonderful. I wonder how many other things you already know how to do.”

  Maybe Gramma taught me other things, but I had a hard time memberin. That’s on account of it was so long ago when I was allowed to do somethin for myself.

  “Would you like to make some tea now, Ruby Jean? I bet you’ll find that easy to learn since you’re so smart.”

  Suddenly, my face got all hot. I sure liked Grace — yup, a awful lot. But it weren’t right for her to say I was smart. The uniforms, Mom, Harold, everybody — they all knowed I had to live at Woodlands on account of me not bein so smart. Like Morris said, “No smarter than your average mutt.”

  After me an Grace made tea we sat at the kitchen table to drink it. I wished I could’ve told her we needed more toast to go with the tea.

  “Isn’t this nice?” Grace asked. “Sitting here, drinking tea, far from all the noise. It won’t be long, Ruby Jean, and you’ll be ready to leave Woodlands — to live in the community.”

  Grace was doin it again — makin me get confused. Sometimes I dint understand on account of me not bein so smart, but then sometimes it jus weren’t my fault a’tall. Nobody left Woodlands — cept on one of them rollin beds from the amblance. An I sure dint want that to happen. An besides that, if I left where’d I live? With Mom an Harold? I dint think that would be a good idea — I might hit the baby again an make him scream. Nope, I couldn’t live no where cept Woodlands.

  “C’mon, Ruby Jean. It’s time for a little adventure. Let’s go get something pretty for your hair.”

  Grace took my cup an put it in the sink. I followed her to the hall an we put on our jackets. Outside the sky was grey an the wind was blowin the trees round. But inside I felt like a sunny day.

  She grabbed my hand an we walked down the hill — farther than I ever went before — toward the big stone-an-meddal gate. When we got there Grace pulled hard an the gate made a screechin noise that hurt my ears. I dint ever member goin outside the stone wall before — cept before Mom an Harold left me at Woodlands. Outside there was cars goin by this way an that — an goin real fast. Suddenly, I got the jitters an began scratchin my hands, but Grace took em in hers an looked me in the eyes.

  “It’s okay, Ruby Jean. You’re safe with me. I promise.”

  We walked for a long time on that road with the loud noises an lotsa cars. One of em cars honked an that made me jump. Grace jus smiled an told me, “It’s okay, Ruby Jean. You’re safe with me.” I wanted Grace to be proud of me so I tried not bein fraid.

  After walkin for a while we got to a buildin with big glass windows an doors. Grace opened the doors — without a key — an we walked inside. I waited for someone to say — get her outta here, staff only. But no one said anything to me — jus stared.

  That sure was a shiny place an there was lots of clothes hangin everywhere. I wondered who they belonged to. Somethin else — all em people walkin round was all strangers — dint see a single retard or uniform anywhere. But after a while I gotta funny feelin from em all lookin at me so much.

  “Never mind the Lookie-Loos,” Grace told me. She took my hand an we walked round that busy place lookin at shoes an sweaters an lady underwears. After that she said, “Let’s go to the accessories department now and see about something for your hair.” The accessories department was very shiny too — yup, it had bright lights an mirrors an lotsa priddy things.

  “Hey, this looks like the perfect thing,” Grace said. “Try it on.” She pushed my hair back with a pink band. It made my hair stay up off my face so I could see bedder. “Take a look in the mirror, Ruby Jean.”

  I looked in the mirror. It was the same old me cept now there was a pink band on my head. I liked how it made me look an stared in that mirror for a long time.

  “Don’t you look pretty?” Grace said.

  I had bubbles ticklin my insides so I laughed out loud. Then somethin unspected happened. “Looks priddy.” At first I wondered who said them words. Then I looked at Grace an knowed.

  “Ruby Jean! You said, it ‘looks pretty.’ You talked, Ruby Jean. That’s … that’s wonderful. Oh, my goodness, wait until I tell everybody!”

  She danced round me an we both was laughin. My mouth sure got awful tired cause it wouldn’t stop smilin.

  After Grace gave some money to a lady we walked back hand in hand long that busy an noisy road to the screechy gate. An the wind dint blow my hair in my eyes no more — nope, not a’tall.

  I thought bout all I’d seen an done that day — makin toast an tea, walkin long the scary road, goin inside the place with the clothes an bright lights. Somehow I knowed those things wasn’t really new an strange to me. Then words started poppin inside my head — shoppin mall, grocery store, coffee shop, treats, gifts. That’s when a funny feelin got inside me an I felt like I was liddle again, holdin Gramma’s hand an walkin home from Hudson’s Bay with shoppin bags — some of em even had things inside for me. When Grace an me walked through the meddal gate I looked back an hoped one
day I’d get to go outside it again.

  When we got to Ward 33, me an Grace stomped our feet very hard when we walked up the stairs. The echo was louder than ever before. We laughed too. Then Grace put her arms round me an squeezed me tight. I had a pain in my heart after that — cept it was a good one.

  After we went through the locked meddal door, Millie was standin there — waitin. Her arms was folded an her eyes was skinny an mean. An I dint like the way her lips was squeezed into a tight line. I’d seen that look lotsa times before — like when I barfed up my porridge one mornin. Millie said that day, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you, Ruby Jean?” Yup, I guess I done it on purpose — but that’s cause that porridge tasted awful an made me wanna barf. But this time was different — I’d never seen Millie look so mad at other people before — the ones who weren’t the retards. That’s when I felt the meltin inside me stop an everythin went hard again.

  “Miss Watson, I just got off the telephone with someone who I consider a reliable witness. He told me you were seen outside the institution with Ruby Jean. He said you were walking along Columbia Street. Of course, I could scarcely believe what I was hearing. I thought to myself, certainly a young lady as intelligent as Miss Watson would not ignore procedures, disobey the rules. So please tell me that it wasn’t true.”

  I watched Grace. She dint have no more smiles on her face. “Well, as a matter of fact we were walking along Columbia Street, Nurse. We went to the department store after Ruby Jean had a very successful morning — she made toast and tea and best of all she spoke. She said ‘looks pretty.’”

  “So you admit taking this patient off the grounds? And then you make up some fantastic story that she talked. In all the years I’ve known this girl she’s never uttered a single syllable — nothing except the moans and groans these halfwits usually make.”

  Millie’s face was gettin red an she was shakin so much I dint think she could hardly breathe. I wished I coulda told her that Grace was tellin the truth, but whatever it was that made me wanna talk before was all gone.