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  If you’re a working dad, unhappy hour can be particularly miserable because just as you open the door, the baby freaks out. It could start to give you a complex.

  And as a guy, you may feel that it’s your duty to troubleshoot the kid and come up with a solution. When all of your best efforts go unrewarded, anxiety and frustration may set in, bringing you one step closer to putting that “Baby for Sale” ad in the classifieds.

  But here are three facts that might make you feel better:

  Unhappy hour affects more than 75% of all babies.

  This pattern should stop at around twelve weeks.

  Letting the baby cry in her crib for a couple of minutes in between comforting attempts won’t traumatize her, and just may be a welcome break for the both of you.

  In the meantime, get a pair of earplugs to dampen the noise level, which can get up to about 100 decibels, about the same volume as a chainsaw or leaf blower.

  COMBATING COLIC

  It comes suddenly and without warning. It wreaks havoc for approximately eight weeks, and then abruptly disappears, leaving a trail of frayed nerves and empty aspirin bottles in its wake. It’s colic, and it may be coming to your town.

  The term “colic” refers to prolonged periods of crying, usually several hours or more. No one knows exactly what causes colic, but many experts think that it’s got something to do with the stomach.

  Fortunately, there are ways to combat colic, which afflicts up to 20% of all infants. You can try some of the gas relief suggestions discussed previously, as well as the two additional methods below.

  The Popeye Hold

  Stand with your arm bent at the elbow and your palm facing upward.

  Sit the baby on your palm, facing you.

  Gently lay her down on your forearm, so her head rests on the inside of your elbow.

  Rock her from side to side while stroking her back.

  Your forearm is exerting gentle pressure on her abdomen, which, in combination with the rocking, may soothe her.

  The Cry and Dry

  Take a warm towel out of the clothes dryer and put a cool towel in. Turn the dryer on.

  Sit on top of the moving dryer. Fold or roll up the warm towel place it on your lap. (Make sure it’s not too hot.)

  Lay the on her belly across your lap so that her stomach rests directly on top of the towel. Hold her bottom with one hand and stroke her back with the other.

  When the towel cools down, open the dryer and switch towels. Turn the dryer back on, fold the warm towel, and repeat step 3.

  The combination of the heat, the vibration, the position, the noise, and your hands on the baby’s back may prove too powerful for even the most stubborn case of colic.

  The laundry room may become your second home for a while.

  Wrestling the BREAST PUMP

  If you have an aversion to the breast pump, it’s completely understandable. After all, it’s a bit unnerving watching a mechanical device mercilessly slurping at your partner’s bare chest. You can’t help but think, “If robots made pornography, this is what it would look like.”

  But soon you’ll realize that the pump is your friend. Not only will it allow you to bottle-feed your baby, but you’ll finally be able to get a sitter and go out on an actual date for once. And if your partner suffers from clogging or engorgement, pumping can provide the quickest relief.

  There are two types of pumps—manual and electric. The manual pumps are inexpensive, light weight, and small, so your partner can use them at work or in transit. But the constant hand squeezing is both tiring and time-consuming, and because a hand pump can have up to ten parts, the constant drill of disassembling, sterilizing, and reassembling (most likely your job) gets old fast.

  Electric pumps are fast, easy, and rigged for double-barrel pumping. You just have to figure out if you want to rent the hospital-grade tractor pull pump or purchase one of the portable consumer models. If your partner is trying to increase output, you’ll want one with a powerful motor. Just remember that milk production, like old school capitalism, is based on supply and demand, so the more milk she pumps, the more she will produce.

  Basic Parts

  There are several brands of electric pumps, each using a similar (but not interchangeable) set of parts.

  A breast shield screwed on to a bottle (a) connects to a motor (c) by tubing (b).

  The milk is pumped directly from the breast into the bottle. All the parts that come in contact with milk (basically, [a]) should be taken apart and rinsed after every feeding, and sterilized in boiling water before the first daily use. The tubing should be washed weekly, and whenever milk or condensation is visible. You dry the tubing by attaching it to the pump and turning it on for a minute or two.

  Pump manufacturers claim that sharing a pump is unsanitary. But because pumps are expensive, many people borrow the motor and buy new tubing and shield/bottle assemblies.

  If your partner has any problems with breastfeeding or pumping, you can contact your local lactation consultant (not a joke—they exist and are listed in the yellow pages) or La Leche League, an international breastfeeding organization.

  STORING PUMPED MILK

  Short-Term Storage—Detach the container from the pump, seal it up, and write the date on a piece of tape and stick it to the bottle. Milk can last five days in the fridge.

  Long-Term Storage—You can purchase generic disposable bottle bags for easy milk storage. Or, as an alternative, you can pour the milk into clean, sterile ice cube trays, put the trays in freezer bags, and place them in the freezer. The milk will last at least two months. When you are ready to use it, pop an ice cube from the tray, put it in a plastic baggie, and heat it under warm water. When it’s liquefied, transfer it to a bottle. Each cube equals approximately two ounces of milk.

  Store breast milk in ice cube trays, but be sure to mark them so there won’t be any surprises at your next party.

  GLOSSARY OF BREASTFEEDING TERMS

  That You Might As Well Know

  Colostrum—

  Thick yellowish liquid secreted from the breasts during the first days after the baby is born before the breast milk comes in. Colostrum provides the baby vital nutrients and antibodies.

  Engorgement—

  Common during the first weeks of breastfeeding, engorgement occurs when breasts are filled to capacity, often causing discomfort. Remedies include immediate feeding, pumping, and warm compresses.

  Clogging—

  When a milk duct is blocked, a tender lump appears on the breast, and it may be painful. Remedies include emptying the breast regularly, massage, and warm compresses.

  Rooting Reflex—

  A newborn’s instinct to turn her head toward any stimulus that brushes her cheek. She may also open her mouth, stick her tongue out, and search for a nipple.

  The Boppy Pillow—

  An unfortunately named horseshoe-shaped cushion that fits around the torso to support the baby’s body during feedings. Later on, as the baby tries to sit up, you can put the pillow around her so she won’t “bop” her head on the floor. It also becomes an entertaining headpiece.

  The evolution of the Boppy Pillow

  BOTTLES UP!

  Giving your baby a bottle is your initiation into Total Provider status. It’s comforting to know that if your partner were ever sucked into another dimension by aliens, you could still feed your baby until she reappeared.

  And once the baby accepts the bottle from you, she’ll most likely accept it from anybody, which means you can hire a babysitter so you and your partner can go out on the town for a couple of hours.

  Some things to know before the first bottle feed:

  If your partner is nursing, introduce the bottle when the baby is around one month old. Any earlier and the little squirt may still be figuring out the breast, any later and she may be too set in her nursing ways.

  Don’t be discouraged if she doesn’t take to it immediately. Keep trying with different nipple shapes an
d sizes, and with milk at various temperatures. Almost all babies eventually catch on.

  Give the bottle once a day but not more. You don’t want her to reject the breast.

  Administer these first feedings without your partner in the room. The baby may look at her and get confused. And your partner may start sobbing, seeing the bottle as an early symbol that your baby is leaving the nest.

  Bottle-Feeding Procedure

  1. Warm

  Run the bottle under hot water. Never use a microwave, because it destroys enzymes in breast milk, and the milk heats unevenly.

  2. Test Temperature

  Squirt a few milk droplets onto the underside of your wrist. The bottle should be no hotter than body temperature.

  3. Bait the Hook

  Right before inserting, smear some milk around the outside of the nipple.

  4. Commence Docking Maneuvers

  Sit with the baby lying in the crook of your arm. Elevate her head. If you lie her flat, she is more susceptible to choking and ear infections. Activate the rooting reflex insert the bottle.

  5. Feed

  To prevent gas pains, tilt the bottle at such an angle that milk completely fills the nipple. Never prop up the bottle and leave the baby alone during feedings. In the beginning, you may have to periodically remove the bottle to let her catch up.

  6. Burp

  Burp after every two ounces or whenever she gets fussy during feedings.

  Preparing Formula

  Even if you haven’t noticed any strange mutations in the local fauna, it’s a good idea to sterilize the water that you use in formula for the first three months by boiling it.

  The easiest way to prepare formula is a six-pack at a time. Get a clean beer pitcher and mix in the correct ratio of formula to water (put the water in first to avoid clumping). Stir vigorously. Fill six empty bottles with the desired amount, put the caps on, and stick the bottles in a six-pack container. These bottles will remain usable for forty-eight hours.

  Cleaning Bottle Parts

  You only need to boil the bottle parts once, before the first use. After that, just wash with soap and warm water after each use, or you can save yourself some time and effort by cleaning all the parts in the top rack of the dishwasher, using store-bought dishwasher baskets for the nipples and rings.

  Sleeping Like a BABY

  When you hear the phrase “newborn sleep patterns,” disregard the word “patterns.” Unless you invoke chaos theory, you may not see a pattern at all, at least for the first month or so. Your baby may sleep for five minutes or five hours. And when she sleeps for five hours, try to resist the urge to break out the cigars, because chances are her next nap will last for exactly five minutes.

  The devolution of the exhausted dad

  This is a very surreal time for new dads, because your day is broken up into something like ten identical mini-days, coming at irregular intervals, consisting solely of feeding, burping, changing, and putting the baby back to sleep. Days and nights bleed into one another. You’re not sure when you last showered or ate or brushed your teeth. After about a week of this, you develop the same look that you see on first-year medical residents.

  SLEEP-INDUCEMENT METHODS

  Singing Babies haven’t heard enough music to know what’s off-key, so you are off the hook. Choose droning, monotonous songs like “100 Bottles of Beer,” and gradually get softer and slower as you see the baby starting to nod off.

  Feeding All of that sucking must tire babies out. Many times you’ll notice, mid-feed, this drunken look on your baby’s face, and within seconds she’ll be out.

  Confinement Accustomed to the womb, many babies equate comfort with confinement, and they’ll sleep better if you find ways to pin them down, either with a swaddle or by putting them to sleep in the car seat.

  Motion Even before birth, your newborn fell into bad sleep habits. She was rocked to sleep in the womb by your partner’s every movement, and now that she’s on dry land, she will probably expect the same treatment. To keep her in perpetual motion, you can either go battery-powered, using the electronic swing or vibrating bouncy seat; gas-powered, taking the car out for long, slow trips around the block with her in the car seat; or dad-powered, walking around with the baby in the stroller or front carrier.

  White Noise

  White noise is an amazing sleep inducer. Not only does it mask unwanted outside noises, rendering the baby oblivious to ringing phones, creaking doors, and barking dogs, but it also mimics the sound of the rushing fluids and shifting body weight that your baby heard in the womb. In one study, young babies were three times as likely to fall asleep while listening to white noise as those not exposed.

  Fortunately, you can create your own white noise using common household appliances:

  Put a small household fan, air conditioner, or air purifier in the baby’s room.

  Rip the antenna off an old boom box and turn the knob all the way to the right or left for twenty-four-hour commercial-free white noise.

  Briefly run the vacuum or hair dryer.

  Get a fish tank.

  The motors in vacuum cleaners and hair dryers tend to wear out quickly, and you may not want to run a fan or AC in the middle of winter. But you can download a five-minute track of white noise at, www.beprepared.net. Copy the sample as many times as it takes to fill up a recordable CD. Then just stick your new disk into the player, hit repeat, and you’re good to go.

  For Those About to Rock

  Two things to consider before you start rocking:

  Pace Studies have shown that the most effective rocking mimics the mother’s walking pattern, which is approximately sixty rocks a minute (rocking to the left and then to the right equals two rocks). This is a brisk pace compared to the slow, gentle rocking you might picture in your head, but let your baby be the judge. She’ll let you know if you are going too fast.

  Music Many babies are comforted by strong, methodical beats. Some parents use metronomes to put their babies to sleep, but in lieu of that, try reggae music. The beat is solid and steady, and it’s got a natural buoyancy that will complement your rocking. And best of all, most reggae music cycles at around sixty to seventy beats per minute, tailor-made to your baby’s needs. (Bob Marley’s “Buffalo Soldier” is almost a perfect sixty b.p.m.)

  No Baby, No Cry

  The Sleep Test

  Before you lay the baby down, you’ve got to make sure that she’s entered into a good, sound slumber. To test her level of sleepiness, lift one of her arms a couple of inches and then let it fall. If she offers any resistance, then you need to do some more rocking.

  The Delicate Art of the Transfer

  Transferring a sleeping baby to a crib or bed is like defusing a bomb. It’s a painstakingly delicate process. One false move and you’ve bought yourself another half hour of rocking. To ensure a smooth transition, follow the steps below:

  While rocking, gently reposition your hands so that you’ll be able to pull them out from under her, spatula-like, when you finally put her down.

  Walk her slowly toward the crib or bed, rocking continuously. As you walk, search the floor for toys or other objects that could serve as tripping hazards or audible land mines.

  Once you are in front of the mattress, gradually let the rocking come to a halt.

  Bend over the mattress as you lay her down on her back, keeping body contact the whole time. Chances are the mattress will be cold, and your warmth may be the only reason she isn’t startled into wakefulness. Stay in this position for a minute or two.

  As you pull away from her, slide your hands out from under her back and onto her chest. Keep them there for another minute.

  Take a deep breath and gently remove your hands.

  Baby Monitors

  If you choose to put the baby in another room, it’s a good idea to get a pair of baby monitors. Yes it’s true that parents survived without them for thousands of years, but those parents didn’t have a home theater with DVD surround sound. Tes
t out the monitors with your partner before the due date. Have her stand in the baby’s proposed sleep space and whine while you walk around the house and listen.

  And be aware that all monitors have inherent flaws. If one night you suddenly hear what sounds like your baby ordering a pizza, don’t panic. Monitors pick up cordless phone interference, police radio transmissions, and other baby monitors in your neighborhood. Try switching the channel (most come with at least two options), and if that doesn’t work, you might need to exchange it for another brand.

  About SIDS Risks

  Many parents spend a great deal of time worrying about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). But in truth, the risk is very, very low—less than 1 in 1,300, or .07%. And if you take these simple precautions, your risk will be even lower than that.

  Put the baby to sleep on her back.

  Use a firm mattress and a thin fitted sheet under the baby. Since research into SIDS is ongoing, consult your pediatrician for the latest facts.

  Avoid overheating your baby.

  Keep stuffed animals, pillows, comforters, or heavy blankets out of the baby’s sleep space. If you need a blanket, it’s best to use the sleep sack wearable blanket (see pg. 84).