I Could Chew on This Read online

  I think that as a hunting dog

  I should get a new career

  So I’ve been looking through your receipts

  And I think I should do your taxes next year

  Chasing the Rabbit

  And they’re coming around

  the clubhouse turn

  And they’re coming down the final stretch

  And they’re coming across the finish line

  And Number Five finishes in first place

  And Number Five’s owner spends his winnings

  On hookers and Schlitz

  And that is why there are

  no inspirational movies

  About dog racing

  Treat

  How long do you

  Expect me

  To keep

  This

  Treat

  On

  My

  Nose

  Before

  I can

  GULP

  Oh, my bad

  Guess we better try this trick a twelfth time

  I Could Chew on This

  Squeak?

  Squeak?

  Squeak?

  Squeak?

  How come when I bite down on

  this toy it doesn’t go “Squeak”?

  Maybe because—as you just screamed—

  I’m really chewing on your favorite shoe

  Or maybe because

  I really need to get more of it in my mouth

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  A great big “Thank you!” to my editor Emily Haynes and my agent Scott Mendel as well as to Emily Dubin, Becca Boe, April Whitney, Albee Dalbotten, Courtney Drew, and everyone at Chronicle Books. Also, a huge “Thank you very much!” for all the incredible love and encouragement from Mom, Dad, Marcello, Kim, my family, my friends, and everyone who gave me such support for my first book. And, of course, a heartfelt “Thank you and I miss you” to the three dogs in my life: a Great Dane named Splash, a Beagle named Snoopy (yes, Snoopy), and a very dearly missed member of our family named Panda.

  About the Author

  FRANCESCO MARCIULIANO is the author of the New York Times bestselling book I Could Pee on This and Other Poems by Cats. He also writes the comic strip Sally Forth and has a humor site at medium-large.com. He was Head Writer for the Emmy Award–winning children’s show SeeMore’s Playhouse and has written for Onion News Network, Smosh.com, McSweeneys, and The New York International Fringe Festival. He can be found on Twitter at @fmarciuliano but if you correctly pronounce his name three times in a row he will magically appear and look utterly confused.