I Could Chew on This Read online

I smell the grass

  I smell each and every

  Blade of grass

  I smell a butt

  Oh hey, it’s Lou!

  I smell frustration

  Oh hey, that’s you!

  I sniff, I snort, I even snuff

  And with every scent my nose does sing

  But you say quite sharply

  it’s been two hours

  So let’s smell what the next foot

  of our walk does bring

  Splash

  I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

  I’m wet

  I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

  I’m soaked

  I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

  I’m drenched

  I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

  I’m begging you

  Please stop skipping stones across the lake

  Because clearly I don’t know

  When not to chase something

  Chasing Cars

  I’m getting closer

  I’m picking up speed

  I’m catching up

  I’m almost upon it

  Yes!

  I did it!

  Now I can finally read

  What that bumper sticker says

  Oh, apparently there’s a presidential election

  In 2004

  Really, dude, update your car decals

  Sheepdog

  You go to the left

  You go to the right

  You stand next to me

  And done

  I’ve successfully herded

  All your children by instinct

  And in order of attractiveness

  Oh, and tell Billy I’m sorry

  But I’m sure he’ll grow into his nose

  Outside the Store

  I don’t very much like

  Being tied up outside the store

  I don’t very much like

  Looking as if I were forgotten

  I don’t very much like

  Having to make small talk with passing dogs

  I don’t very much like

  How it looks as if it might rain

  How it feels as if you’ve been gone forever

  How the only thing I have to read

  Is the same parking sign again and again

  I don’t very much like

  That you tied me up outside the store

  Which is why I’m not going to the bathroom

  Until we get home

  Little One

  WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT, HUH?!

  WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

  YOU THINK I’M AFRAID OF YOU, HUH?!

  YOU THINK I’M AFRAID OF YOU?!

  YOU’RE NOT SO BIG!

  YOU’RE NOT SO TOUGH!

  C’MON, I DARE YOU!

  C’MON, I’LL DESTROY YOU!

  THAT’S IT, JUST WALK AWAY!

  GO ON, JUST WALK AWAY!

  Oh please, just walk away

  Oh God, that dog was a monster

  Oh man, I need to relax

  Or at least switch to herbal tea

  Another Bag

  Love

  True, unbridled love

  Is looking at what I just did

  On the sidewalk

  And then picking it up in a bag

  I can only imagine as a treasured keepsake

  Wow, the collection you must have by now

  Chain Reaction

  Late one night

  I step out in the yard

  And bark

  Then the neighbor’s dog barks

  Then his neighbor’s dog barks

  And so it goes

  House to house

  Street to street

  Town to town

  State to state

  Coast to coast

  Until the very last dog

  Tallies up those barks

  And that’s how we elect our president

  Next Car Over

  Hey, there’s a dog in the next car over

  There’s a dog in that car by the light

  Hey, dog!

  Dog!

  Okay, dog, let me—

  I’m just trying to—

  Please stop interrupt—

  If I can get in one—

  FINE, DOG! IS THAT HOW YOU WANT IT?!

  YOU LIKE SOMEONE TALKING OVER YOU?!

  HUH?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!

  And now he’s gone

  Sigh

  This is why I never make friends

  King of the Mountain

  I am king of this icy mountain!

  I am ruler of this wintry hill!

  I am conqueror of this frozen peak!

  So I lift my leg to claim my throne

  So I notice the ice starts to melt

  So I fall right through this huge snowdrift

  So if you could come dig me out

  I would very much like

  To go back to my warm, dry home

  Look at Me!

  “Look at me!” I bark

  As I run around the dog park

  And you point at me with pride

  “Look at me!” I bark

  As I play with other dogs

  And you give me a happy wave

  “Look at me!” I bark

  As I wag my tail with glee

  And you show me a great big smile

  “Look at me!” I bark

  As I shove my nose so far up another dog’s

  ass

  I’m almost looking out its mouth

  And you become fascinated with your shoes

  CHAPTER

  BY YOUR SIDE

  People need a lot of reassurance

  So show them that you love them

  And never wince when they sing

  DOG PRECEPT

  Wingman

  I wag my tail

  I tilt my head

  I give a little wink

  I flash my smile

  I show my belly

  I give a little lick

  I do it all

  From sit to speak

  To attract women far and near

  Then you chime in

  With something about “fan fiction”

  And I realize we’re going to die alone

  Time

  Where did you go?!

  Where have you been?!

  Do you know how long you’ve been gone?!

  Three hours!

  Or fifteen minutes

  Or six months

  The point is

  I’ve been waiting at that door

  For eighteen straight years

  And every one of those twelve seconds killed me

  If You Got Lost

  If you got lost I would find you

  If you got hurt I would help you

  If you got trapped I would save you

  If you got abducted by aliens

  I would cripple their ship’s computer system

  By uploading a virus—somehow

  For you I would swim across the deepest ocean

  For you I would jump across the widest chasm

  For you I would race across the biggest country

  So now that you know

  All that I would gladly do for you

  Maybe you can do something for me

  And give me a braver name than “Wiggles”

  And Then Our Eyes Lock

  And then our eyes lock

  And then the world stops

  And then I realize

  Man, I’m really wrapped around your leg

  Man, I’m really going to town

  Man, I’m clearly not stopping

  So believe me when I say

  Our next twenty minutes together

  Will be the most awkward of my entire life

  Lassie

  How come

  With just a few barks

  Everyone can understand

  That Lassie is saying

  Timmy fell down the well

  But with my end
less whining and gnawing

  You can’t understand

  That I am saying

  I’d rather the earth swallowed me whole

  Than go out in public wearing this raincoat

  Six Ways

  There are six ways

  To say my name

  One, when you are happy to see me

  Two, when you are afraid you lost me

  Three, when you instruct me

  Four, when you scold me

  Five, when you nuzzle me

  And six, when you catch me

  Eating another dog’s poo

  Although that last one

  Just seems to involve a lot of

  screaming and nausea

  Never Learn

  Why

  Why

  Why

  Do I think that

  Every time you tell me to get in the car

  You’re finally taking me to the

  Hole-Digging Shoe-Chewing

  Butt-Sniffing Ball-Licking

  Amusement Park

  And not for my shots

  When I See You

  When I see you head for the kitchen

  I know it’s time for my dinner

  When I see you walk to the yard

  I know it’s time for us to play

  When I see you go to the car

  I know it’s time for a drive

  When I see you turn on the TV

  I know it’s time for my head on your lap

  And when I see you climb into bed

  I know it’s time for my walk

  Kisses

  I lick your face when you bend down to pet me

  I lick your hand when it hangs off the chair

  I lick your palm when you nuzzle my chin

  I lick your feet when you’re sound asleep

  I lick your nose

  I lick your legs

  I even lick your eye

  (When I try to lick your cheek)

  I lick and lick and lick you

  All over and over again

  Because I love you

  And because one day you’re going to fall

  Into a vat of taco meat

  And frankly I don’t want to miss out

  Sit

  You want me to sit?

  You’d like me to sit?

  You need me to sit?

  You’re asking me to sit?

  You’re saying louder for me to sit?

  You’re yelling for me to sit?

  You’re begging for me to sit?

  You’re pleading for me to sit?

  You say the word “sit”

  Like I have any clue what it means

  But I love your enthusiasm

  And so I jump up and down with joy

  for the both of us

  Dog Breath

  Smell my breath

  Go ahead, smell my breath

  Really get in there

  Right up to my mouth

  And smell my dog breath

  Can you guess what it is?

  Can you tell what I ate?

  Because I swallowed it so fast

  Before it could escape

  And frankly, I’m curious to find out

  No Longer Together

  My two people no longer share a bed

  So now one mattress is far too big

  My two people no longer share a home

  So now one smell I cannot find

  My two people no longer share a life

  So now one person I don’t see much at all

  My two people no longer are together

  And I can’t help but wonder

  If it’s because of something I did

  Or maybe that Turkish rug I soiled

  Lapdog

  A lapdog

  Is any dog

  Who wants to be really close

  So stop your muffled screams

  And your cracking pelvis

  And just celebrate the fact

  That this mastiff loves you so

  Special Word

  There’s a special word

  We dogs have

  To express our great pleasure

  Upon seeing our favorite person

  It’s “bark”

  But be careful

  For “bark”

  Also means 742,000 other things

  So it’s all really about the context

  CHAPTER

  HEAVY THINKING

  It’s not easy being a dog

  Especially when your person

  Thinks you look good in hats

  DOG MUSING

  The Naming

  Give me something strong

  Give me something powerful

  Give me something noble

  Give me something memorable

  Give me something

  To carry through all my years

  With back straight and chin held high

  But then you ask your three-year-old daughter

  “Why don’t you name the new puppy?”

  And I’m so screwed that I could cry

  The Cone

  Thanks to the cone

  I can’t gnaw at my stitches

  Thanks to the cone

  I can’t turn my head

  Thanks to the cone

  I can’t navigate hallways

  Thanks to the cone

  I get stuck in doorways

  Thanks to the cone

  I misjudge the stairs

  Thanks to the cone

  I get claustrophobic when I bend

  for my food dish

  Thanks to the cone

  I go deaf when I bark

  Thanks to the cone

  Our every game of catch turns into basketball

  Thanks to the cone

  I can’t gnaw at my stitches

  But all these psychological scars

  Will never heal

  Ponder

  Sometimes

  When I’m running on the beach

  The warm wind in my face

  The cool water at my paws

  The bright sun shining on us all

  I’ll stop for a moment

  Look out at the brilliant blue ocean

  And think

  “Have I really eaten the same exact dinner

  For eight years straight?”

  Just a Head’s Up

  Every time

  Man

  Forces one dog

  To fight another dog

  God

  Moves one step closer

  To handing the world over to the roaches

  I Bite

  Sometimes I bite when I’m afraid

  Sometimes I bite when I’m in pain

  Sometimes I bite to protect myself

  Sometimes I bite to show I’m in charge

  Sometimes I bite because I don’t know

  any better

  And sometimes I bite because it’s been

  four hours

  And you’re still talking about last night’s

  Dancing with the Stars

  Sometimes a dog can only take so much

  Halloween

  I don’t want to go as a ballerina

  For Halloween

  Fine, I’ll go as a ballerina

  If you don’t take any photos of me

  Fine, you can take one photo of me for Facebook

  If I don’t have to go outside in this outfit

  Fine, I’ll go outside in this outfit

  If I don’t have to be embarrassed

  house to house

  Fine, I’ll be embarrassed house to house

  If I can have some of your chocolate

  What do you mean dogs can’t have chocolate?

  Fine, I’ll just eat the wrappers

  If I can throw up in your bag

  The Best Day

  Today is the best day

  Today is the greatest day

  Today is the most amazing

  Fantastic

 
Utterly incredible day

  Ever

  Because it’s Saturday

  Wait, it’s Tuesday?

  Well, that’s great, too

  Food

  Food

  Food food food

  Food food food food

  Food food

  Food

  Who says a dog

  Can’t write a love sonnet?

  Hello

  I’m sorry he’s out of breath

  I’m sorry he’s in such distress

  I’m sorry he’s in a fetal position

  Sobbing on the floor

  But you know if I could

  I most certainly would

  Give a head’s-up by yelling, “CROTCH!”

  Before greeting your date full-speed

  at the door

  Date Night

  Every time I watch

  Lady and the Tramp

  I think

  “SHE’S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!”

  “QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT ALL NOW!!!”

  “GROWL! BARE YOUR TEETH! DO SOMETHING!”

  “OH, DON’T GIVE HER THE MEATBALL!

  THERE’S MEAT IN IT!”

  “IDIOT!”

  But then again

  I’m not the romantic type

  Playing

  We’re not fighting

  We’re playing

  We’re not arguing

  We’re playing

  We’re not biting

  We’re . . . OW!!!

  Really, Mitzi? The thigh?!

  Oh, that’s it. It’s go time!

  New Career

  I think that birds

  Should fly high and free

  I think that rabbits

  Should hop and not flee

  I think that ducks

  Should swim safe and sound

  I think that foxes

  Should not fear this hound