I Could Pee on This Read online

  PLAY

  Life is a hallway

  Meant to be explored

  One barely head-sized hole at a time

  CAT ADAGE

  NUDGE

  Nudge

  Nudge nudge nudge

  Nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge

  Nudge

  Your glass just shattered on the floor

  TINY BOXES

  Tiny boxes

  Play and hide

  Tiny boxes

  Squeeze inside

  Tiny boxes

  Oozy here

  Tiny boxes

  Paw in ear

  Tiny boxes

  Stuck

  STUCK

  STUCK!!!

  Tiny boxes

  Little help?

  KITTEN

  HOLY [censored], THAT BALL CAN BOUNCE!

  GET THE [deleted] OUT OF HERE,

  THIS STRING IS GREAT!

  SON OF A [removed], I CAN RUN SO FAST!

  NO [banned] WAY, I JUST BROKE THAT PLATE!

  WHAT THE [edited], DID YOU SEE ME JUMP?!

  WELL [forbidden] ME, I’M CAUGHT IN A JAR

  MOTHER [bleep], I SHOWED THAT LAMP!

  OH [cut] NO, THERE GOES YOUR GUITAR!

  UN-[denied]-BELIEVABLE,

  I CAN CLIMB YOUR LEGS!

  NO [blocked] LIE,

  I CAN DISTRESS YOUR FLOOR!

  FOR [erased] SAKES, ISN’T MY LIFE GRAND?!

  SO [censored] SAD I’M A KITTEN

  FOR JUST SIX MONTHS MORE!

  SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE DOGS

  Some of my best friends are dogs

  We talk about dog things

  Some of my cat friends don’t get it

  We laugh at their fear

  The dogs see me as one of their own

  True, they don’t like it when I bark

  Or play dead

  Or chew their toys

  Or sniff their butts

  But we’re cool

  Some of my best friends are dogs

  I just thought you should know

  THEN ALL WENT DARK

  I’M BLIND!

  Oh wait, I’m not

  I’M BLIND!

  No, my vision is clear

  I’M BLIND!

  But now I see you

  I’M BLIND!

  And there you are again.

  I’M BLIND!

  What is going… Wait,

  is that your hand over my eyes?

  THAT TOP SHELF

  I think I can jump to that top shelf

  I want to jump to that top shelf

  I know I can jump to that top shelf

  I am jumping to that top shelf

  I missed that top shelf by a good six feet

  And now everything is on the floor

  And I’m left wondering

  Why people even bother buying china

  If it breaks so easily

  THE WORLD OUTSIDE MY HOUSE

  In the world outside my house

  The mice jump in your mouth

  And birds serve themselves in butter

  Rather than fly south

  In the world outside my house

  The sun is a laser light

  Each cloud a snuggly blanket

  And the doors are not shut tight

  In the world outside my house

  All the trees they dangle string

  The flowers brush from head to tail

  And the neutered cat is king

  In the world outside my house

  I can never go

  But as an indoor cat I know these things

  Because the dog does tell me so

  MOST AMUSING

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  Hahahahahahahaha

  Haha Haha Ha

  That dog is wearing a sweater

  MY TAIL

  If my tail is curved then I am at ease

  If it is tucked then do what you please

  If it twitches then get out of my sight

  If it is to one side then I’m free for the night

  If it is fluffed then I simply can’t deal

  If it swishes then it’s about to get real

  If it is erect then for you I give thanks

  If it is gone then I’m probably Manx

  If it grabs food then you’re petting a monkey

  You should probably walk away right now

  ELEGY FOR A TOY I BROKE

  You no longer jingle

  You no longer roll

  You no longer do anything

  Since I had to see what made you work

  I can’t deal with all this guilt

  I can’t express my deep, deep grief

  I can’t believe what a cheap piece of crap you were

  Seriously, I hardly touched you before

  you broke

  MEOW

  Meow

  Meow meow meow

  Meow meow

  Meow meow MEOW!

  Well?

  Why aren’t you laughing?

  Sigh

  I must have told the joke wrong

  SUSHI

  Did you really think

  That you could hide fish in rice?

  Oh, the green paste burns!

  A CAT LIKE ME

  I didn’t know you had a second sofa

  I didn’t know you had a second TV

  I didn’t know you had a second cat

  One who looks just like me

  I didn’t know you had another living room

  I didn’t know you decorated it just the same

  I don’t like this twin cat

  staring back at me

  Well, two can play at that game

  I don’t know why I can’t get into

  that other living room

  I try and try but can’t get through

  I don’t know why you yell at me

  not to scratch the mirror

  When that twin cat is doing it, too

  THIS. WILL. NEVER. END.

  It’s been four days since we started

  It’s been three days since you ate

  It’s been two days since your boss called

  And fired you for being late

  But you’re the one who did this

  The one who put the feather on the string

  The one who waved it for me to play

  The one who made my heart just sing

  So welcome to your eternity

  KUBLA KAT

  On the edge of a laughing teacup

  Did Kubla Kat decree

  That the corn fritter festooned with medals

  Shall make the brownies free

  And so the walls turned to water

  To let our sorrows drown

  As the chairs burned themselves for warmth

  So they need not face the clown

  Then the spoons burst into song

  And all the forks they understood

  As I stared at my now talking claws

  Because this catnip is just that good

  CHAPTER 4

  EXISTENCE

  Everything I do you hate

  Is pure instinct

  Everything I do you love

  Is pure me

  CAT APHORISM

  SELF-AFFIRMATION

  I am intelligent

  I am attractive

  I am powerful

  I am proactive

  I have value

  I have health

  I have strength

  I have stealth

  I am surrounded by love

  I am a beacon of hope

  I-HORKFLAKGLORKSPUKE

  …

  That was a hairball

  And I am a cat

  And what just happened

  I am fine with that

  NATURE’S WAY

  The leaf twirls gently

  to the dry ground

  The flake tumbles lightly

  to the snowy mound


  The lightning falls mightily

  to the earth with a crash

  And I plummet sleepily

  from the fridge to the trash.

  Such is nature’s way

  JUST THE TWO OF US

  There is nothing like long

  Direct

  Intense

  Awkward

  Unfortunate

  Eye contact

  To help us see

  That maybe you put my litter box

  Too close to your favorite chair

  I’M NOT PARANOID

  I’m not touching my food because

  there’s a pill in it

  I’m not having that treat because

  there’s a pill in it

  I’m not going near your hand because

  there’s a pill in it

  I’m not playing with that toy because

  there’s a pill in it

  I’m not going into that room because

  there’s a pill in it

  I’m not sleeping on that couch because

  there’s a pill in it

  I’m not looking at the sky because

  there’s a pill up there

  I’m not doing anything because

  there’s a pill everywhere

  You may think I’m paranoid

  You may think I’m rather nuts

  But you’re not going to fool me twice

  And besides, I think I can cure

  hookworm with my mind

  GIVE

  You can’t hold someone who

  wants to leave

  You can’t clutch a memory

  as if it were today

  You can’t take an insult

  close to heart

  You can’t grasp for glory

  from your chair

  You can’t seize life

  thinking only of loss

  And you can’t grab a laser pointer dot

  on the wall

  No matter how much you try

  These hard-earned truths I give to you

  SIAMESE

  What’s the longest you can hum

  before they say you’ve gone insane?

  What’s the difference between a street,

  an avenue, and a lane?

  Have you ever told an ethnic joke

  and insulted a nearby ghost?

  Have you ever wondered what happened

  to “Happy Days” star Donny Most?

  If a hurricane were named “Mortimer,”

  would anyone run away?

  If a toaster were brought to life,

  would it clean its own crumb tray?

  Why don’t leprechauns use their gold

  to pay off their student loans?

  Why don’t ninjas ever forget

  to silence their cell phones?

  I know many people think

  that Siamese are way too chatty

  I know they all think we just

  talk and talk and talk

  But you’re wide awake in bed

  just staring at the ceiling

  So maybe you could tell me

  why not whiteboard and black chalk?

  COLD

  This table is cold

  That hand is cold

  The needle is cold

  The stethoscope is cold

  The doctor is cold

  The nurse is cold

  This room is cold

  The only thing that’s warm

  Is the puddle of urine

  I made on the vet’s notes

  EVERYONE

  Everyone has restless leg syndrome

  Everyone has slipped, or fell

  Everyone suffers from depression

  And bladder dysfunction as well

  Everyone should sue their doctor

  Everyone can’t sleep at night

  Everyone can’t do the simplest task

  When filmed in black and white

  Everyone must buy insurance

  Everyone owes the taxman pay

  Everything looks so bleak and hopeless

  Since you left the TV on

  to keep me company all day

  BIGGER CAT

  I’m not fat, I’m big-boned

  I’m not fat, I’m a bigger breed

  I’m not fat, it’s just more hair

  I’m not fat, it’s just more muscle

  I’m not fat, it’s only winter weight

  I’m not fat, it’s only a trick of the eye

  I’m not the reason you threw out your back

  But the next time you lift me,

  do so with your knees

  NECTAR OF THE GODS

  Lap, lap, lap

  Savor the oak

  Lick, lick, lick

  The sweet fruit delights

  Slurp, slurp, slurp

  So delicate in structure

  Gulp, gulp, gulp

  So complex in nature

  Oh, I didn’t know water

  could taste like this

  Oh, I didn’t know the sink faucet

  was such bliss

  Oh, I can’t believe all those years

  I did piss

  Away drinking that swill you serve

  in my bowl

  I’M SO MAD I COULD

  What do you think you—

  How could you treat me like—

  Don’t you dare turn on that—

  Oh hell it’s torture in all this—

  AUGH! AUGH! It’s going in my—

  How could you do such a cruel—

  Don’t you dare put me in—

  I’m going to kill you right—

  Let me just scratch your eye with my—

  Stop interrupting me with your—

  Will this nightmare ever—

  Oh, it’s over

  Okay then

  But this is the last time

  you’re ever giving me a bath

  NO

  I know what “No” means

  I know what you said

  I know you said “No”

  I heard you every time

  I know you screamed, “Don’t break it”

  I know you shouted, “Don’t do that,

  you hear?”

  But I don’t know why

  You’re upset it’s now broken

  When I know for a fact

  You didn’t say, “No don’t do that”

  The seventh time I smacked it

  When your head was turned

  MAN’S BEST FRIEND

  Why is the dog man’s best friend?

  Because I don’t greet you at the door?

  Because I don’t wave my tail when you leave?

  Because I don’t play catch or fetch?

  Because I don’t do a single trick?

  Because I don’t beg for your attention?

  Because I don’t answer when you call?

  Well, I also don’t watch you having sex

  And let’s just say the dog talks

  I MISS ME

  I miss my special sunny place

  I miss my head pressed against your face

  I miss the carpet rub against my paws

  I miss the sofa tug at my claws

  I miss skidding across the kitchen floor

  I miss yowling at your bedroom door

  I miss lying on my windowsill

  I miss refusing to take my pill

  I miss my family, my home, your sweater

  I even miss that worthless Irish Setter

  I miss everything that once was me

  Before I climbed this stupid tree

  CUTE BED JUMP

  Cute bed jump

  See yes yes

  No don’t door

  Ball ball couch

  Yes chin ear

  Got tail tail

  Run food skid

  I’m just three

  Weeks old and

  Not good with

  Man talk yet

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  M
y deepest thanks to Emily Haynes, Scott Mendel, Emily Dubin, Becca Cohen, Emilie Sandoz and the fantastic people at Chronicle Books who made all this possible and let me keep the word “Pee” in the title.

  And a very loud “Thank You!” for all the love and support from Mom, Dad, Marcello, Kim Lofgren, Ari Jaffe, Lena Verkhovsky, Maryanne Ventrice, Dan Piraro, “Alspaugh” and every cat who somehow managed to use a keyboard without typing “Thustewje cdtfxjhsyt kshs” for 120 pages.

  FRANCESCO MARCIULIANO writes the comic strip Sally Forth, which runs in 700 newspapers (and the webcomic Medium Large, which does not). He was Head Writer for the Emmy Award-winning children’s show SeeMore’s Playhouse and has written for Onion News Network, Smosh.com, McSweeneys, and The New York International Fringe Festival. It took him over 30 years to learn how to spell his entire name correctly.

  Text copyright © 2012 by FRANCESCO MARCIULIANO.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  ISBN 978-1-4521-1058-5 (digital)

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the previous edition as follows:

  Marciuliano, Francesco.

  I could pee on this, and other poems by cats / by Francesco Marciuliano. p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-4521-1058-5

  1. Cats—Poetry. I. Title.

  PS3613.A7348C68 2012

  811’.6—dc23

  2011053152

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