I Could Pee on This Read online

  Dedicated in loving memory to

  Boris and Natasha,

  two unforgettable cats

  who I had the great fortune

  to call family

  Contents

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: Family

  Chapter 2: Work

  Chapter 3: Play

  Chapter 4: Existence

  Acknowledgments

  INTRODUCTION

  For thousands of years, cats have strived to express to humans what it means to be feline. They have tried body language, plaintive meowing, even a filmmaking style best described as “fallen camera nudged across floor until forgotten or smeared with saliva.” And for thousands of years, we humans have witnessed this unending struggle for true emotional and spiritual connection and said, “Wook at that wittle furry face! Wook at that wittle furry face! Who’s got a wittle furry face? You’ve got a wittle furry face!”

  But now, through the power of poetry and a publishing contract, cats everywhere can fully welcome people into their hearts, minds, and souls. Within these very pages, you’ll find poems penned by cats that reveal their every desire, their every conflict, and their every epiphany. You’ll also discover why cats do things like put their whole paw in your glass and then look at you as if you’ve never had a date over for wine before. Seriously, their whole paw. Like they think it’s easy to get cabernet out of orange tabby.

  In fact, by the time you’ve finished reading this poetry anthology, you’ll not only completely understand everything your cat thinks and does but even applaud him for it. Maybe give him a medal. Or throw him a parade in your hallway, making sure to avoid staircases so all the tiny floats don’t tumble down. Or you can just sit your cat down, look him straight in the eyes and say, “I get it. I really do get it… furry face.”

  CHAPTER 1

  FAMILY

  Sometimes when I lie on your warm chest And hear your every happy sigh I gaze into your two kind eyes And wonder, “Who is that?”

  CAT EPIGRAM

  I COULD PEE ON THIS

  Her new sweater doesn’t smell of me

  I could pee on that

  She’s gone out for the day and left her laptop on the counter

  I could pee on that

  Her new boyfriend just pushed my head away

  I could pee on him

  She’s ignoring me ignoring her

  I could pee everywhere

  She’s making up for it by putting me on her lap

  I could pee on this

  I could pee on this

  I LICK YOUR NOSE

  I lick your nose

  I lick your nose again

  I drag my claws down your eyelids

  Oh, you’re up? Feed me

  CLOSED DOOR

  LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN

  LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN

  LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN

  LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN

  LET ME IN LET ME I-

  Oh, uh, hello

  I did not expect an answer

  I did not expect an entrance

  I did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dull

  So, uh, goodbye

  WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?

  Why are you screaming?

  What did I do wrong?

  Why are you crying?

  How can I make it right?

  Would you like it in a different color?

  Would you like it in a different size?

  Would you like it in a different room?

  I just wanted to show my love

  I just wanted to express my thanks

  I just wanted to put a dead mouse on your sheets

  But now you are screaming

  And I don’t know how to make you stop

  WHO IS THAT ON YOUR LAP?

  There’s another cat in the house

  A cat I’ve never seen

  A much younger cat

  You seem to know her name

  You accidentally called me by her name

  Right in front of the lamp

  And my friend the throw pillow

  I’ve never been so humiliated

  I may never love again

  SEPARATION

  You can have the CDs,

  I will take the string

  You can have the TV,

  I will take this fuzzy thing

  You can have the kitchen set,

  I will take this crumpled foil

  You can have the car,

  I will keep this rug I soil

  You can have the beach house,

  I will take this tissue box

  You can have everything,

  Ooo I want those dirty socks

  You can go to hell, I will see to that

  For how dare you come home

  smelling of another cat?

  SOMETHING’S WRONG

  Something’s wrong

  Why are the walls a different color?

  Something’s not right

  When did we get these stairs?

  Something’s off

  How did the kitchen move across the floor?

  Something’s going on

  Who changed all the homes outside?

  Something’s very odd

  Why are you mispronouncing “Georgia” as “New York”?

  Something happened

  When you put me in that carrying case

  And someday soon

  I will figure it out

  UNBRIDLED LOVE

  I knead your chest with my sharp claws

  To show you my affection

  I bite your arm and don’t let go

  To show you adoration

  I walk across your throat at night

  Because I want to say, “Hello!”

  I leap from high upon your crotch

  Because I miss you so

  I trip you when you walk down the stairs

  So you know I’m always near

  I sit on your face and block all your air

  So my absence you need not fear

  I show my love in so many ways

  My devotion runneth over

  So I don’t know why when I approach

  You duck and run for cover

  BROTHERS

  They say we are brothers though

  we look nothing alike

  They say we are family though

  we differ so much

  I am tabby, you are brown

  I am long, you are short

  I am thin, you are stout

  I am lively, you are shy

  I am a kitten, you are a hamster

  But kin is kin

  So let me run on your wheel

  O CHRISTMAS TREE

  O please

  O come on

  0 like you didn’t know

  What you were getting for Christmas

  Before I ripped open all your gifts

  0 by the way

  The tree looks better on its side

  0 I really do think so

  THE LEASH

  Don’t put that thing around my neck

  Don’t take me out the front door

  Don’t show me off in the park

  Don’t drag me into every store

  Don’t smile when people stop and stare

  Don’t sit outside and talk on the phone

  Don’t walk me all over this damn town

  Then wonder why you’re still alone

  SERIOUSLY

  Seriously?

  Seriously?!

  SERIOUSLY?!

  If I took YOU to the doctor

  I would make damn sure

  You came back with both of them

  Down there

  Now if you’ll exc
use me

  I’m going to look forlornly out a window

  For like eighteen years

  Eighteen looooooooong years

  Seriously?!

  FOREVER

  I could lie by your side for the rest

  of our lives

  I think I’ll walk away right now

  I could let you pet me for

  a hundred years

  I think we need some time apart

  I could be kissed a thousand

  thousand times

  I think I’m needed somewhere else

  I could sit on your lap forever

  I said I could sit on your lap forever

  Don’t you even think of trying to get up

  Well, you should have gone

  to the bathroom beforehand

  Because forever is a very, very long time

  THIS IS MY CHAIR

  This is my chair

  This is my couch

  That is my bed

  That is my bench

  There is my chaise

  There is my settee

  Those are my footstools

  Those are my rugs

  Everywhere is my place to sleep

  Perhaps you should just get a hotel room

  MY LIFE IS RUINED

  That was just for you

  That was just our little joke

  So we could share a little laugh

  Just the two of us alone

  But you took that special moment

  You posted it online

  Now forty million people think

  I bark like a dog

  And so I hide under the covers

  Cursing your very name

  Saying you better get a good lawyer

  Or me a great agent

  CHAPTER 2

  WORK

  They say there are

  Twenty-four hours in a day

  But I’m only up for three of them

  And two I consider overtime

  CAT PROVERB

  I LICK

  I lick my neck, I lick my chest

  I lick my back to look my best

  I lick my paw to wash my face

  I lift my leg to lick that place

  I lick my tail, I lick my belly

  I lick my back or did I do that already?

  I lick my tail, maybe once more

  Oh what the hell, let’s make it four

  I lick my neck in case I forgot

  Did I lick my chest? Well, I missed a spot

  I lick my face, my leg, my tail, my face

  I relick my belly and then, yes, my face

  I lick all the time, I’m so soil-free

  Seems the only thing I can’t lick is my OCD

  YOUR KEYBOARD

  Suetdhe8defdisjas

  I just typed a poem in your presentation

  Chsothekstevdswdj

  I just typed a joke in your email

  Nosyd76mhdlwdag

  I just typed something personal

  on your update

  Vos7swps8s73wbk

  I just typed my political views

  in your tweet

  Bhst9ahw-2ynsyhz

  I just accidentally typed in

  your bank account password

  Kitty’s gonna buy himself

  a new scratching post

  ONE DAY

  One day words I shall talk

  One day on my hind legs I shall walk

  One day your books I shall read

  One day I shall dress in your finest tweed

  And on that day when I talk and walk

  When I know the facts

  and look stunning in slacks

  When I am your equal

  and not under your command

  I shall stride right up and fully demand,

  “Can you get my favorite fuzzy toy

  from under the bed?

  It’s been there for like a week,

  and I can’t reach it”

  BUSY, BUSY

  It’s 8A.M. and time to rest

  It’s 10A.M. and time to relax

  It’s noon and time for repose

  It’s 3P.M. and time for shut-eye

  It’s 6P.M. and time for siesta

  It’s 9P.M. and time to slumber

  It’s midnight and time to snooze

  It’s 4A.M. and time to hang upside down

  from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

  SCRATCH

  Scratch Scratch Scratch

  Scratch Scratch Scratch

  Scratch Scratch

  Scratch

  There

  It is done

  Now gaze upon your sofa leg

  And see an exact replica

  of Rodin’s The Thinker

  I mean, if you look at it

  from just the right angle

  Anyway, on to my next masterpiece—

  Turning your curtains into confetti

  Really, I should have

  my own gallery show

  TALK TO ME

  Tell me about your day

  Tell me about your dreams

  Tell me about the girl you adore

  The one who smiles but walks away

  Tell me your greatest fears

  Tell me your biggest secrets

  Tell me your most cherished moments

  The ones that light your darkest days

  Tell me why things don’t work out

  Tell me why stuff gets in the way

  Tell me why it stops you cold

  The one thought you can’t let go

  Lie on the couch and talk to me

  Open your mind and bare yourself

  Because I think I finally figured out

  how to bill you

  And I’m about to make a fortune

  DID YOU KNOW

  Did you know?

  Did you see?

  Did you count?

  How many times

  I had to smack that moth

  On your forehead

  With my paw?

  It was like a thousand

  He’s dead now, though

  Definitely dead

  One more smack

  You’re welcome

  NINE LIVES

  The first life is for running

  The second life is for staring

  The third life is for climbing

  The fourth life is for tearing

  The fifth life is for sleeping

  The sixth life is for sleeping

  The seventh life is for sleeping

  The eighth life is for sleeping

  The ninth life is for writing my memoirs

  I RUN

  I run across the room

  I race across the floor

  I dash to this wall

  I thought I saw something

  I forgot what it was

  Now everyone is staring at me

  So I run back across the room

  I race back across the floor

  I dash back to that other wall

  So everyone will think

  I’m just running laps

  TRIPPED

  I’m sorry I tripped you in the hall

  I’m sorry I tripped you in the den

  I’m sorry I tripped you in the bedroom

  I’m sorry I tripped you in the kitchen

  I’m sorry I tripped you in the attic

  I’m sorry I tripped you in the basement

  I’m sorry I tripped you out the door

  I’m sorry I tripped you on hard cement

  But some men paid me five grand to kill you

  WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

  I cleaned the floor

  With your sweater back and forth

  I cleared the table

  With a few whips of my tail

  I dusted your shelves

  Of all the knickknacks you kept

  I made your bed

  Smell a lot more like me

  I’m here to help

  I wan
t to do my part

  After all, we’re all in this together

  CALL ME

  You can

  Gall me

  “Muffins”

  All you want

  But ‘til

  You add

  “Sir”

  At the start

  I’m not turning my head

  CHICKEN AND RICE

  Chicken and rice for the first day

  Chicken and rice for the second day

  Chicken and rice for the third day

  Chicken and rice for the fourth day

  Chicken and rice for the fifth day

  Chicken and rice for the sixth day

  Lamb and rice today

  And just like that my world crumbles

  AND NOW WE KNOW

  Nine-hundred-and-ninety-five

  I’m doing this for you

  Nine-hundred-and-ninety-six

  So please don’t interrupt

  Nine-hundred-and-ninety-seven

  I’m just keeping them honest

  Nine-hundred-and-ninety-eight

  So please do take note

  Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine

  And now thanks to me we all know

  There really were one thousand sheets

  in this toilet paper roll

  KNEEL BEFORE ME

  In ancient Egypt

  We cats were gods

  We ruled the heavens

  We reigned on earth

  So kneel before me

  I said come to me

  Uh, listen to me

  How about just a treat then?

  Okay, maybe a toy

  Some crumpled paper would do

  I’m not picky

  Well, can you at least scratch

  behind my ear?

  Can you at least do that?

  Oh

  Oh yes

  You serve your master well

  CHAPTER 3