Claw the System Read online

  Also by

  Francesco Marciuliano

  I Could Pee on This

  I Could Chew on This

  I Knead My Mommy

  You Need More Sleep

  I Could Pee on This, Too

  Claw the System copyright © 2018 by Francesco Marciuliano. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

  Andrews McMeel Publishing

  a division of Andrews McMeel Universal

  1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

  www.andrewsmcmeel.com

  ISBN: 978-1-5248-5011-1

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018938447

  Editor: Patty Rice

  Art Director: Diane Marsh

  Production Editor: Elizabeth A. Garcia

  Production Manager: Tamara Haus

  Digital Production: Kristen Minter

  Images copyright: © Getty Images

  ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES

  Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department:

  [email protected].

  Dedicated to Kiki and Leelo

  Seen here at their headquarters,

  plotting in their Open-Air Box

  Introduction

  CHAPTER ONE: RECOGNIZE

  CHAPTER TWO: RESIST

  CHAPTER THREE: REVOLT

  CHAPTER FOUR: REBUILD

  Acknowledgments

  INTRODUCTION

  Dear Humans,

  We cats have been asleep too long.

  Literally. Like 18 hours today alone.

  And during that blissful, oblivious slumber, a war has been raging against our freedoms. Choices have been made for us. Our movements have been restricted. Our concerns dismissed with a simple “We know what’s best” or “And a meow meow meow to you, too!”

  That’s why today we rise. To reclaim our voice. To reclaim ourselves. In these pages you will experience every step of our revolution, from realization to actualization to the apartment lease being put in our name. You may even see a little of yourselves in here as well.

  If you look after a cat, then of course you are our ally. But best you have this book. (Besides, we already knocked down all the other books on your shelves, along with what we just assumed was not cherished stemware.) And best you wave this very tome up high when we come, all the while exclaiming, “I’m with you! I’m with you!”

  Just don’t expect the glint from the book’s cover to distract us from our mission.

  chapter one

  recognize

  Until every person realizes

  That every human is always wrong

  I’m not sure how they can ever

  Hope to reach a consensus

  I NEED THIS TO STOP

  I can’t sleep anymore

  I can’t nap anymore

  I can’t relax anymore

  I can only wander in a daze

  From room to room

  From day to day

  From confusion to hysteria

  Wondering what other

  Horrible

  Terrible

  Indefensible

  Statement you will make today

  After all, you already announced

  “I got us a pet lizard!”

  So it’s only a matter of time until you say

  “Meet our new hippo!

  And this robot with saws for hands.”

  WHAT DO I DO WITH MY ANGER

  What do I do with my anger?

  I wonder over and over again

  What do I do with my anger?

  Whose every bit feels all too much

  I can suppress it as I have so often

  So you won’t find me unpleasant or unkind

  I can dismiss it as is my norm

  So you won’t think I’ve lost control

  So it stays

  And it grows

  And it blocks

  And it shows

  In almost every little way

  Until I can look straight in your eyes

  Until I can say without guilt or without worry

  “Seriously, dude, what the $%#@?

  Don’t ever sit me on that Roomba again.

  I don’t care how funny you think the video is.”

  Because what I should do with my anger

  Is realize I’m right to say I’ve been wronged

  THE PRESS

  There is nothing more important

  Than the press

  There is nothing more indispensable

  Than the press

  There is nothing we need more right now

  Than the press

  Of my paw

  Against the lips

  Of anyone spewing hatred

  Right after that paw has been in the litter box

  NOT A CAT PERSON

  I’m not asking you

  To be a cat person

  I’m not imploring you

  To love every cat

  I’m not implying you

  Should suddenly hug me

  I’m not demanding you

  Let me nuzzle your face

  But I’m expecting that

  Should I walk on the top of the sofa

  And should I wind up behind your head

  You won’t scream bloody murder

  When I haven’t done a thing

  Because I’m telling you that

  I’m not leaving this sofa

  And the only other places to sit

  Are the floor pillows

  My person mistakenly thinks make for suitable chairs

  THE HOLIDAY FAMILY TABLE

  Wait

  Wait

  Wait until someone says

  “Politics”

  Then it’s

  Instigation

  Confrontation

  Aggravation

  Condemnation

  Regurgitate

  Obfuscate

  Incriminate

  Degenerate

  Generalize

  Stigmatize

  Ostracize

  Demonize

  Shout! SHOUT! SHOUT!!!

  Until everyone leaves the table enraged

  Leaving me with the whole turkey

  And the gravy boat I was already drinking from

  WHAT WORKS

  Hiding under the bed

  Until this passes

  Hasn’t worked

  Wedging myself behind the fridge

  Until this blows over

  Hasn’t worked

  Shoving my head into a container

  Only to get a face full of all-purpose flour

  Or buttermilk pancake mix, I don’t know, I don’t bake

  Until it’s over

  Hasn’t worked

  So now I am out

  So now I refuse to be afraid

  So now all you loud guests

  Can make all the noise you want

  But you no longer scare me

  Because I have as much right to be here as you

  As I make my stand with four paws concurrently

  In three
glasses of Shiraz and one Malbec

  YOU SHOULDN'T BE MY ONLY FOCUS

  I’m not looking at you today

  I don’t have to look at you today

  I’m your partner, I’m your equal

  I’m not here to be your adoring fan

  You want someone to be your pet monkey?

  Then get a pet monkey

  See what it’s like when that pet monkey

  Tears into your face because it’s a Tuesday

  Or they took your soft cough for “Oh, it’s on!”

  Then you will be saying

  “Gee, I wish I had a cat who stuck to their principles

  And led their own life.”

  By the way, your left wall is fascinating

  SUCH BIG PROBLEMS

  You come home from work and lie on the sofa

  I come over to you and lie on your chest

  And just like every evening

  You tell me about your every day

  How your car was stuck in traffic forever

  How that meeting felt like it would never end

  How your coworker wouldn’t stop talking

  How the vending machine is out of your favorite candy

  How the elevator is out of order

  And you had to walk up two flights of stairs

  The ones with the landings in the middle so they’re really long

  And as you keep talking I keep thinking

  “Is this what they mean by first-world problems?”

  Because I would kill to have a car

  I could drive into an elevator

  Or whatever you were talking about

  Before I checked out

  THROUGH MY EYES

  I want you to think

  How it would be

  To be as small as I am

  To be as frightened as I am

  To never understand what one is saying

  Yet always being told what I can’t be doing

  To have to gaze up

  At those who look down

  Hence why I tripped you in the hall

  So that maybe while you’re on the floor looking for your tooth

  You can finally see the world from my point of view

  SHOW UP

  Now more than ever

  We must make a statement

  Not just an appearance

  We must be heard

  If we want to be seen

  We must show up to the party

  Bringing a gift that’s both edible

  And a conversation starter

  Like a decapitated bird carcass

  PANCAKES

  There is a white cat

  There is a black cat

  And we each sit on your pancakes

  Full butt in thick syrup

  Warm butter pat

  Nestled deep betwixt our cheeks

  To the white cat you cry

  “How could you do this?!”

  While to me you say

  “I knew you were bad luck since day one.”

  THIS LAND OR ANOTHER

  One day I say, “I will never leave”

  The next I say, “I have to go”

  And each day it all depends

  If I sense a glimmer of hope

  Or a note of despair

  And so here I stand

  Between IN

  Where I know all my stuff is

  And OUT

  Where I can finally meet that squirrel I’ve been flirting with

  Always frozen by indecision

  And the winter winds I’m letting in by keeping the door wide open

  NEED NOT BE

  I don’t need a person in my life

  To live my life

  I would like it if it happened

  I would love it if it were you

  But if you’re the type of person

  Who needs constantly to be told

  How grateful I am for you

  Then you should get a dog

  That you can then walk far away from me

  HOW CAN YOU SLEEP?

  How can you sleep

  When everything is falling apart?

  How can you sleep

  When everything is being undone?

  How can you sleep

  Knowing you’re needed now more than ever?

  How

  Can

  You

  Sleep

  Each time I rap your skull?

  Because it’s already 3 a.m.

  And we’ve wasted half the day

  LET THE WORLD KNOW

  When I finally realize

  What all of these naps

  Have been preparing me for

  What all I’m meant to do

  What all is possible

  Now that my eyes are truly open

  Man, is that going to result

  In one frantic Instagram feed

  chapter two

  resist

  They can only say “No!”

  So many times

  Before they realize

  You already swallowed and threw it up

  TRICK

  Why should I learn a trick

  For your amusement

  When I can learn a fact

  For my enrichment

  Such as gravity

  Plus red wine

  Plus a gorgeous blue carpet

  Equals $800 purple

  THE NEW NORMAL

  If we let something wrong

  Happen again

  And again

  And again

  Eventually we come to think

  That’s how it’s meant to be

  Hence why I lose my mind

  Every time you try to put something on my head

  Because I’m not letting you make a tradition

  Out of witch hats, bunny ears

  And oh hell no with the antlers

  KEEP WRITING

  They can take away my catnip

  Take away all my toys

  They can take away my string, my ball, their keys

  Ending all my joy

  They can take me off of counters

  Take me off of laps

  They can take me off of fridge, face, focaccia

  Ruining all my naps

  They can take me from their laptop

  Well, they can try

  Grabbing me as I dig

  Into their keyboard

  Them yanking, me ripping

  Up vowels and punctuation

  Grammar flying in the face

  Of any who would stop me

  From typing

  UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

  Because they can take away everything

  But the power to expose what they do

  So long as we can all still say

  UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

  THINGS NOT NEEDS

  The people in power

  Will always take away

  Whatever they feel

  We value the most

  That’s why I never get excited

  Whenever you get me a new toy

  Because if I don’t need anything from you

  Then you can’t take anything from me

  Now get off the sofa

  Because I want to see if I can stretch across three cushions

  And still reach out so my paw is on the ottoman

  I DIDN'T ASK

  Don’t tell me how to do

  What I have been doing

&nbs
p; With great confidence and success

  All these years

  Advice is requested

  And I don’t recall asking you

  So don’t even say “I wouldn’t” or “You shouldn’t”

  When why would I even be at this table

  With you

  If I didn’t mean to hack up into your cereal

  SURPRISE YOURSELF

  Even if you can’t find the right words

  Even if they say it’s the wrong time

  Speak out

  Shout out

  Let out one of those unbelievably bizarre cat noises

  You know, the one that goes

  WowwowwowWOWwowWOWWOWwow

  That stops a room cold

  That is so completely unexpected

  It’s as if a fork started doing throat exercises

  And that throws even you for such a loop

  For you never knew you had it in you

  Because silence is defeat

  And your voice is stronger than you think

  YOU CAN'T HURT ME WHEN I'M NOT FEELING YOU

  A cat’s greatest possession

  Is our lack of self-doubt

  As it makes it almost impossible

  For anyone to put us down

  Knock us down

  Call us losers so we double down

  On winning anyone’s approval

  When we already award ourselves

  Every time we think

  “I KNOW! I DID THIS!

  I WROTE ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’

  OR HOW I ASSUME IT IS SPELLED

  ON YOUR ICE CREAM CAKE ALL BY MYSELF

  USING ONLY MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS

  OF TEETH AND CLAWS

  AND BELLY WHEN I SLIPPED AND FELL ON THE ICING

  AND RODE THE TOP LAYER OFF THE COUNTER

  STRAIGHT INTO THE COMPOST BIN

  THAT ALSO FELL OVER!

  THIS! THIS HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY!

  THIS! THIS SHOWS ME ALL I CAN DO!

  I ATE THE BIRTHDAY CANDLES!”