Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed Read online

  That’s not my ambitious expression… it’s just wind

  Forward kindly provided by the person formerly known as Prince, Glukstein, Holstein, Schlesswig, Battenburg ~ better known to his friends as Phil the Greek.

  When I was approached by the Author to write the Forward, I had great misgivings about such a project as this book.

  However, despite my reservations and the heightened chill emanating from ‘HER’ (my HRH wife’s) side of the Palace, I eventually decided that this book may be an appropriate response to my boy’s many critics.

  I do not want there to be any misunderstanding here. My appreciation of this book is completely unbridled, and as much as we might say of my boy's wife that “a full snaffle and a saddle on her back with a long pair of spurs”, would not go amiss.

  Please remember that I myself am often misunderstood. Slitty eyed’ as a descriptive statement is no more derogatory then suggesting that my son’s favorite sanitary towel, is the ugliest woman in the world. Artistic license, please note.

  Jacalynne’s exhaustive research and unbiased opinions are only outweighed by sensationalism and a desire to make as much cash as possible. I really appreciate her courage and opportunism in writing this book.

  In 1981, the Windsors gained a really nice piece of female for once. She had a good body and was definitely worth one, unlike the Dragon Whore who now graces the family stoop. And happily I can see that William is adding to those decent genes with the advent of his new bride so that will help maintain some semblance of an attractive feminine human in the lineage, as thankfully the old nag, The Duchess of Cornball, is beyond child bearing age. Actually, she is beyond just about anything.

  This book doesn’t explain what Charles sees in the old whor(s)e, but Jacalynne, a very capable researcher and analyst who could even answer the mystery of the Marie Celeste, attempts to explain why Charlie boy fancies that old tampon with historical stories and facts. So, even though, it will always remain a baffling mystery, we could always blame insanity, a Royal trait from George III onwards, but that would be too easy. So what other factors play a formable part?

  I do hope you enjoy reading this wondrous piece... I didn't much, but you might.

  HIStory: Monarchy vs. We the People

  (A history of Tyranny and of us being screwed)

  Before the American Constitution, 'We the People' did not exist, there was only the King and his relatives, and you existed only for their benefit.

  If one was fortunate enough to be born Royal, then this is the pecking order of importance in your world:

  At the bottom of the food chain were the serfs, peasants, and subjects (British citizen - YOU).

  Above you were Mayors, Civic dignitaries and judges.

  Then there came Sirs (Knights of the Realm) and Dames (lowest rung of nobility).

  After that came Lords and Ladies.

  Following them came Barons, Earls, Viscounts and Dukes.

  Above them are Princes and then top of the heap, the King. The only thing above him is God. God is the only person a King is answerable to and, let’s face it, only when it suits.

  So should you be fortunate enough to be born Royal, although, fortunate might not be the correct term because you could have been born or married into the English Royal family and far too often for comfort been unceremoniously ‘bumped off’!

  Above is the Bayeux Tapestry depicting the Battle

  of Hastings in 1066 when Harold got an arrow in

  the eye – which must have hurt a lot.

  Let’s begin at the beginning. The last Anglo Saxon King, King Harold, got an arrow in the eye at the battle of Hastings in 1066.

  Edward II got a red hot poker up the… courtesy of his wife Eleanor in 1327. After him came King Richard II, who nobody seemed to like much and he was taken away to a castle in Wales, where he seems to have conveniently starved himself to death; perhaps because they forgot to deliver him FOOD… just a thought.

  The country of England began as a Feudal system, or I could call it a feuding system. All the power in the country, the wealth and the land was divided between 5 families. These families would raise armies and fight to choose who from their family would become King.

  The house of Plantagenet gave us our first rulers, Ethelred, Egbert and Edmund to name but a few, (why didn’t those names make it to the 21st century?) most came from Normandy in France, where they seemed to have more wealth and power and therefore could raise larger armies, which was the only thing a peasant was good for, to be used to fight a second cousin and to be taxed. Marvelous.

  After the death of the unpopular King Richard II, who died ‘mysteriously’, how death by starvation is mysterious is beyond me, but maybe it was mysterious in 1400, who knows. After he was removed, the House of Lancaster took power. Just a quick note, Richard married his 9 year old cousin Isabelle. So it seems pedophilia is okay if you are King!

  Henry IV (he of the House of Lancaster) replaced Richard. His son Henry V, died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 33, and his son, Henry VI died mysteriously, by being stabbed to death in the Tower of London. I think that’s now called murder, and the throne was seized by Edward IV (he of the House of York) Edward IV becomes King, and dies at the ripe ol’ age of 40, leaving his 12 year old son on the throne for four whole months, after which he disappears with his younger brother, Richard, age nine, and is never seen again.

  Both boys seem to have died in ‘mysterious circumstances’, suffocation is now mysterious? The Perpetrator of this mystery seems to have been Edward VI’s younger brother, Richard, who soon grabbed the throne for himself and became King Richard III.

  It is unbelievable, that his two young nephews (aged just nine and 12 years) were placed into his ‘care’, when all he was after was the throne and to grab power in any way he could, so these poor little chaps didn’t really stand a chance. So either this man is as guilty as you know what, or just extremely unfortunate with his relatives. History will never tell us, so you make the call.

  As there was no-one else, this man, allegedly responsible for killing, or at best ‘losing’, at least two relatives that we KNOW of HAD to become King. Why you ask? That’s because he is in LINE to the throne, so it really doesn’t matter how many people you may or may not have dispatched or conveniently lost, it is YOUR DIVINE RIGHT to take this ‘top job’ and let’s face it, as long as the same family stayed in power what does it matter? Although, it is sad for me to report that he only had the spot for two years before he kicked the bucket on the battlefield, ever heard of the battle of Bosworth? He left his crown on a bush, lost his horse and was ambushed by the enemy. Not a good day for Uncle Dick.

  As an aside, it might be interesting to note at this point that some believe Richard III just got a bad rap from history. He is the only King, right now, who has his own following and a club! “The Richard III Club”. But as of 2010 there are 2 other people who seem to have found a huge following, Chairman Mao (systematic murderer of millions) and Che Guevara (mass murderer of hundreds of thousands)! I rest my case.

  Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief that wicked ‘ol Dickie bit the dust on the battlefield and the King responsible for ‘dispatching’ him, was Henry VII. He solved the Lancaster and York issue by marrying Elizabeth of York, daughter of Edward IV and uniting the country. Henry VII had two sons, Arthur and Henry. Arthur died young and Henry became the most famous and recognizable King in history, Henry VIII. He was also famous for marrying six women. Killing two of them for committing high treason; one was guilty, the other was not. One died in childbirth, one was sent to a convent and died of cancer, one was accused of witchcraft and he had a death warrant drawn up for his last wife, but died before he could sign it. So he ‘legally’ dispatched all six women, because if you are King, you get to change the law.

  Let’s face it; you ARE the law! And people will stand trial and say pretty much ‘anything’ if they are tortured, threatened or promised wealth and titles. So he ‘legally’ d
ecapitated two of his wives; was responsible for the deaths of another two and tried to murder the 4th and 6th - but tragically died before he could sign their death warrants. Whilst this was going on, he also found a moment to send another 17,000 people that he wasn’t married to, to the chopping block! Just don’t get on the wrong side of this Tyrant.

  King Edward VI, the sole surviving son of Henry VIII, was dispatched in his sick bed at 15 years old. YES, we know he was sick but as he was attempting to install a new Protestant religion at the time and we have a feeling that his demise was ‘helped along’ because he was replaced, very quickly, by his sister, Mary, a fervently, devout Catholic!

  She died in her bed, after making several attempts to kill her sister, Elizabeth (also a Protestant). She didn’t succeed and Elizabeth became Queen. Elizabeth was the daughter of Henry VIII and Ann Boleyn, (the first British Queen to be beheaded).

  Elizabeth I did eventually behead her cousin Mary (another Catholic working with Spain) because she was caught trying to bump her off and take the throne. Elizabeth I was replaced by Mary’s son, King James, a devout Protestant who hated his mother. He eventually died in his bed, again under mysterious circumstances. (Yes we know he was old and unwell, so is there anything wrong with ’speeding up’ the inevitable in order to hasten in the reign of his son Charles I?) This man was the only English King ever to be beheaded, the word for killing a King is Regicide, most people have never heard of it because it only happened once in British History, there is no special word for beheading a Queen. Chopped? Snipped?

  The demise of many Royals have often been hastened to conveniently make the morning papers, or consequently, to avoid them. And what of these deaths, occurring under mysterious circumstances - can we yell murder? Who can we interview? Who will testify - His Royal Majesty? It’s not blooming likely!! Would they allow Colombo to wander around the palace with his notebook and pick up clues?

  No one will testify – no one will dare. It seems if you are Royal, you can, and often do, get away with murder.

  None of these people would have come to this unpleasant and miserable end had they not been Royal, and there were many more, and it’s doubtful any of them would have considered themselves ‘fortunate’.

  But lucky or unlucky, one is still born with MORE. More power! More homes! More jewelry! More boats! More planes! More trains! More cars! More horses! More servants! More clothes! More shoes! And, don’t forget MUCH more SEX! Whatever a person has, they just have MORE of it.

  How does this entitlement that appears to simply continue, always and forever, regardless and without great effort, based entirely on lineage, genetics and the fact that your family bumped off more people than any other family… okay, so it just seems effortless? But is there ever a point when your subjects turn around and say, “Now just hang on a minute…” Understand that the relationship between a Sovereign and his Peeps has always been a fine and balanced one. Usually it’s a mixture of mortal fear and terror combined with feelings of awe, admiration and mistrust.

  Monarchy is and always will be a contract between the King and his people. And if we look back into our history, we can see many clear occasions when the people asserted their will and demonstrated that their power, regardless of where they are in the human heap, was ultimately the power to be reckoned with.

  In 1649, King Charles I plunged England into a terrible civil war. The basis of this war centred on liberty (the King did as he wished and the people felt they had none) and taxes. (The King kept raising them and the people kept paying them.) The King raised an army to fight against parliament and his people. He was not without support and even though many men perished so that he could remain on the throne, he was eventually captured by the Reformists and taken to trial to answer for the following crimes ‘Treason, Tyranny and Murder’. The court that was assembled to try him would only have been recognized in Australia by the Kangaroo!!

  But let’s face it – what kind of justice could there be for this man? He declared that he didn’t recognize the court (sounds familiar? Think Saddam 2006). In his opinion, he was only answerable to one person… and that was God. Unfortunately, God was unavailable and so whether he liked it or not, the King would have to answer to this very mortal court, if he was allowed to speak in his defense, which he wasn’t. Every time he opened his mouth to talk the crowd drowned him out.

  Once captured, he was even more dangerous to Parliament and the people than he was when he was King (at the risk of repeating myself… think Saddam 2006) and they had little choice but to sentence him to death and do it as quickly as possible, before someone raised an army and there would be even more bloodshed. No-one had ever cut off the head of a King before. They probably weren’t even sure if he would DIE. Over half of the men on the tribunal bench never even showed up to sentence him, they were so terrified. These were ruthless and violent times and out of it came a new fundamental law which replaced the conventions by which Monarchy operated. It was the creation of this new law, finally giving freedom and rights to the peasants. That became the underlying foundation adopted by the Republic of America, 100 years later. The people had asserted their power and showed they were an army to be respected. They were a powerful force and ultimately England was a better place for a peasant to live. Royalty had been constrained and removed and would never be the same again.

  Strange as it seems, after everything it had been through, England missed its Monarch. So after 10 years the country’s new “Protector”, Oliver Cromwell, a clever politician and man of the people, died and England was ready to reinstate a new King.

  They brought back the son of the King they had just beheaded, Charles II. Only this time he was to have no real power, he couldn’t tax, he couldn’t create laws he was a constitutional Monarch, a titular figure, who lived at the largesse of his people, and all he really had to do was smile and wave and not fall off his horse.

  He died without leaving an heir apparent. He had 14 illegitimate children but none born on the right side of the sheets, so he left the throne to his brother, James, who was a devout Catholic. The country ended its relationship with the House of Stuart and found a new House of Hannover which was German and Protestant. So if you wondered why the Royal family never spoke English and had such a strong allegiance with Germany that is the reason why.

  Things stayed pretty much the same until 1936, when England came perilously close to a civil war again, this time when Edward VIII challenged the constitutional law by attempting to grant himself the right to marry a twice divorced woman whose husband was still living, and was certainly no virgin (should we mention the name Camilla here?). He had no concern for the legal rights of the Monarchy. His only concern was for himself (should we mention the name Charles here?).

  He attempted to grant the King (himself) all the power and authority which had hitherto belonged to Parliament. Like King Charles I he had some formidable support; even Winston Churchill initially, but Churchill soon changed his mind when he realized the King had strong allegiances to Hitler and that his ultimate plan was to help Hitler rule Britain. But, at the eleventh hour Edward got cold feet and decided that as much as this might be his destiny, he wasn’t sure that splitting the country in two was really the way that he wanted to be remembered. Yes, we can say it; he didn’t have the balls, thankfully. If we can think back to a former civil war, this King lost his heart but kept his head.

  He abdicated, left the country, married Wallis in France and became a deserter in the British army when the war started. He went on the run in Europe and stayed in the houses of wealthy Nazis, until Churchill caught up with him and sent him to the Bahamas for the remainder of the war, while they closely monitored his phone calls to Germany and used him to give them false information.

  In the book, ‘War of The Windsors’, authors Picknett, Prince and Prior believe that Mrs. Simpson, a twice divorced American, was the perfect scapegoat for the then British Prime Minister, Stanley Baldwin, to rid himself and England of a tro
ublesome King who was far too interested in politics and saw his role not as a titular figurehead of Monarchy but as a man who intended to rule his country, as a ’mild dictator’ - whatever that means. Think ‘sweet’ Tyrant, or possibly ’kind’ Despot, basically – big bunch of bullshit! He sought to create a regime following the lines of a Mussolini or a Hitler.

  After his abdication, he travelled to Germany to meet with Himmler, Goering and Hitler himself. He was seen giving a rather ‘wobbly’ one arm salute and the Fuehrer remarked that “She [Mrs. Simpson] would have made a great Queen!” That’s one endorsement you don’t want on the front page of ‘The Times’.

  This was 1936 and at that time it was Russia that was seen as the real ‘Red’ menace, so anyone offering an alternative was considered ‘reasonable’. In 1936, Hitler never even considered going to war with Britain; it was never part of his ‘master plan’. There were many secret meetings with dignitaries from the Royal household: Hitler felt he would take England without a shot.

  The dictator, Mussolini would control Italy. Franco would control Spain. And, Hitler would occupy France and live in Paris. While the sweet, mild cuddly, little fuzzy Ol’ Dictator Teddy Eddy would rule England with his sweet little wife and all her jewelry. We can laugh out loud at the thought of it all happening, but that man was the King, and he almost brought England to the brink of destruction. As King George V put it “we reign, not rule” and we are certainly not a ‘mild dictator’; ‘sweet’ Tyrant; ‘kind and caring’’ despotic megalomaniac!