Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed Read online

  Table of Contents

  Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed

  Acknowledgements

  Alternative titles:

  Dedication

  Prologue

  Introduction

  HIStory: Monarchy vs. We the People

  “The Truth will set you free”

  Spin Cycle

  Fairies In The Castle

  Millie – HERStory

  When is a Tampon - Not a Tampon?

  Moses Eats His Tablets

  The Duchess with the D. T.’s - (Allegedly)

  Great Royal (and Common) Minds Think Alike

  A Biblical Impression of Events Leading up to 9th April, 2005 (Day of Depression and Doom - when Millie officially became ‘The 2nd Bride of Chucky’)

  All Millie’s Achievements

  Things for which she is famous

  Things she has done for her country

  England’s Future

  Royals with Relevance, Riots and Rogues

  Morality/Shmorality – Can we talk Legality??

  A Case for Continuing...

  Epilogue

  Family Tree of British Tyranny

  About the Author - Jacalynne Flax

  Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed

  Acknowledgements

  With heartfelt thanks to the following individuals and organizations, (and horses), without whom this book would never have been produced.

  My dear friend, Alexandra Odell, artiste, entrepreneur and original illustrator of the book; creator of superb cakes. Can be reached at 'KissMyCakes.com'.

  Debbie Finger without whom this book would have never been finished (and she still thinks it’s far too short! Oh well!). She can be contacted at [email protected].

  Peter Flax: Good sounding board and great supporter of the book – once he realized it might actually get finished.

  Franceska Flax for the loan of Casino (for the Camilla photographs), a horse with a superb smile and great teeth.

  Queen Diana Group ([email protected] who I connected with during the Diana Inquest and with whom I share a lot of historical interest and knowledge, and who believe, as I do, that the Royal lineage should continue as Spencer/Stuart and that our late Princess deserves a fitting memorial. As Diana would say “something for the pigeons to poop on”!

  Diana Appreciation Society

  News of the World

  The Daily Telegraph

  The Daily Express

  The Daily Mail

  The Globe

  The National Enquirer

  World Wide Web

  Terry Deary, author of Horrible Histories and Cruel Kings and Mean Queens, (now a television series on the BBC) who was an inspiration to me and every other young child growing up in England, who encouraged me to investigate the dark and murky side of British History and all things Royal.

  And to my Dear Mother who helped with my appalling spelling and is still a strong supporter of Monarchy, particularly the current Queen and her late father, whom she admired greatly and was definitely “no tyrant”!

  Books:

  The Murder of Princess Diana – the Greatest Cover up of the Century by Neil Botham.

  The War of the Windsors by Lynn Picknett, Clive Prince and Steven Prior.

  The Windsor Story by J.V. Murphy and Charles J.V. Murphy

  A Royal Duty by Paul Burrell

  Princess Diana: The Evidence by Jon King and John Beveridge

  Earthly Joys by Phillippa Gregory

  Alternative titles:

  TAMPONS AND TYRANTS

  THE ROYAL NigHT MaRE

  Hunting out Camilla Parker Bowles

  BRITISH MONARCHY REVEALED

  For Better or for Worse

  Another alternative title:

  God save us all from Queen Camilla

  A further alternative title:

  Travesty at the Alter

  Copyright–©–2011 – Jacalynne Flax - All rights reserved

  The moral rights of the Author have been asserted

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to the Great British Public

  (the GBP) and the memory of

  HRH Diana, Princess of Wales –

  “The People’s Princess”

  who was taken from us all too soon.

  Princess Diana

  1 July 1961 – 31 August 1997

  “Them that lived with her would have done her in for a hatpin, let alone a hat!...”

  “Pygmalion” by George Bernard Shaw

  Prologue

  One might say, that this is a book about humor, monarchy and horses… with apologies to the horses! Some might say this is a small and often pathetic quest for the truth (Oh, how I hate critics).

  When it comes to the Royal Family, finding the truth is a HUGE task, and let’s face it, the fact that I, a common all-garden English housewife and mother, without a title before or after my name, is even attempting it, is pathetic.

  ‘Common sense’ is the most UNCOMMON attribute of the human condition, ‘Freedom’ is not free and costs millions (in money and lives) and the simple truth is a myriad labyrinth of truths, half-truths, deceptions and lies, impossible to grasp, and would we recognize it even if we fell over it? Probably not! And that‘s just us! Now imagine trying to ferret out the truth when it comes to the British Monarchy?

  Yes, I said it was pathetic, but here we go.

  Jacalynne

  Introduction

  (or… if the crown fits…)

  Where does the truth begin and the spin end? Have we been watching and reading Royal fairy tales for so long, that we can no longer distinguish between one false tale and another horse tail?….

  On 29th July, 1981, we witnessed, THE Uber fairytale in motion: The stupendous and ‘over the top’, opulence of the marriage of Lady Diana Spencer to HRH (His Royal Highness), The Prince of Wales.

  It was fabulous! From the glass coach to the ‘fabric for days’ wedding gown, the beautiful bridesmaids, the flowers, the thousands of people lining the streets. Some having camped out for days just to secure a glimpse of the magnificence, the coaches and the horses, don‘t forget them!

  The pomp, the majesty and the finery, made you feel connected to something ‘greater’ than you were. We were carried along in a tsunami of pride, they were our Royals. They belonged to us! We threw street parties, danced the night away and delighted in our heritage!

  The rest of the world could only look on and admire… we were the envy of all, they were Royal and they were ours.

  But it was all a complete LIE!!

  The Royals were a bunch of second hand salesmen and we bought the car!

  The groom slept with his mistress the night before the wedding, the bride wanted to run away but couldn’t because ‘her face was all over the tea towels!’ The mistress was the first face the Bride saw when she entered the church, the glass coach was as uncomfortable as hell and the dress was a crumpled mess when she stepped out onto the pavement. It was a Royal nightmare! And we were all wide awake!

  In previous centuries, the Royal family was considered the closest thing to God. The King was God’s representative on earth! Higher than the Pope! How do you maintain such an image without the use of smoke, mirrors and the utmost secrecy regarding your personal lifestyle - particularly when you are definitely NOT the Pope! And your lifestyle and excesses might have felt more at home in a bordello.

  How do you maintain such an image without the use of smoke, mirrors and the utmost secrecy regarding your personal lifestyle - particularly when you are definitely NOT the Pope! An
d your lifestyle and excesses might have felt more at home in a bordello.

  Ultimately it was Princess Diana, the part time, visiting, fairytale Princess who lifted the curtain on the magic show and allowed us to see the wires. Having exposed the world to the tricks, the trap doors and the dry ice. Diana seemed determined to examine the very human and often inhuman element of Royalty, under a very bright light and with a microscope!

  Once examined, nobody looked ‘above’ human. Everyone seemed horribly ‘normal‘, and oft times so ridiculous, us mere mortals even felt superior!'

  Have you heard the one about the prince, the toothbrush and the toothpaste footman? Why does a grown man need assistance putting toothpaste on his toothbrush? Isn’t the average age for this highly complicated maneuver, THREE?!! As ridiculous as it seems, this one act epitomizes this Prince.

  He doesn’t see anything wrong with this type of behaviour, he doesn’t feel that it’s inconsistent to pay a man to load up his toothpaste, lay out his underwear, his jim jams and teddy for bedtime and still make believe to the rest of the world that he is living in the 21st century.

  He’s not. He is existing in some bygone era where Victoria is still on the throne not Elizabeth II. He can be married and have as many mistresses as he pleases. He can wave and smile at his peeps and cock a snoot (look down his regal nose) at their middleclass morality.

  There should be a strong element of integrity that stands alongside Monarchy, but if you find it easy to lie to your wife, your family and your country, then I feel your integrity is shot. Silly that I should feel that way, must be my horrible middleclass morality.

  The author of this book, me, is no different from you, dear reader, in that, I have no special relationship to the Palace, no ’in’ with the Crown. What I am hoping to convey here, is that now that the veil has been lifted we can’t just turn away and pretend we never saw the new Royal ‘reality’ show. Having been dragged kicking and screaming into the new millennium, the Royal Family should stay here.

  Like the best magicians in Las Vegas, from David Copperfield to Lance Burton, we accept that it is all done with smoke and mirrors and even though it’s just a show, it’s a good show; brings in loads of money and is worth keeping. And a certain amount of deception is obviously necessary and part of its charm.

  Modern day British Monarchy dates back over 1000 years of history, with its attention to ceremonial majesty and its observance of the proper. It has managed to maintain many of those ancient and ceremonial traditions and drag them into the 21st century. What would the Government do with Buckingham Palace? Turn it into an old age people’s home run by the council?

  I suspect, we are still proud of the current Queen, her integrity and her lifelong devotion to duty is beyond question but what about the line of inheritance? Why shouldn’t the peeps question the behavior of their Royal family? Why should they just accept the spin that emanates daily from the Palace?

  We don’t live in the 17th century any longer, we should be able to have a say in the future of an Institution that belongs to the people and embraces a modern Britain.

  18th and 19th Century values may have worked well for the Victorians, but that era died along with the old Queen (no, not Liberace!). We have had two World Wars since then and it appears we might be embarking on a third. If Prince Harry wants to go to Afghanistan, I say ’marvelous’, ‘Cry God for Harry! England! And St. George!’ As a country we would be fiercely proud and anxious all at the same time. Be a Royal with relevance!

  What is a Royal with relevance? Is it someone who jets off in a private plane to speak on the world stage at a climate change conference in Copenhagen? “He's Royal”, you might add, do you expect him to catch a scheduled flight? Possibly not, but as the entire message of the climate change conference is to save as many carbon emissions as possible, why would one expend six TONS of this valuable carbon just traveling there in your private jet? Just to hear yourself talk?

  Should a future king stand on the world’s stage alongside some of its worst terrorists promoting communism and a new world order? Should a future king be proposing overpriced, overreaching, ineffective legislation, whilst ignoring the financial effects on every British household.

  Does Prince Charles only fit in with the world's elite and have no relevance with the common man?

  Prince Harry goes to war, Prince William sleeps with the homeless in freezing temperatures, Princess Anne, a former Olympiad started the charities 'Riding for the disabled' and 'Save The Children', the Duke of Edinburgh has an award scheme, and the late Princess Diana, was the foremost campaigner worldwide against landmines and brought the subject of the AIDS disease into an acceptable arena She was, the consummate humanitarian.

  And what does any of the above have to do with Camilla? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Trotting her out to talk to the homeless and wounded warriors home from overseas, is sad and one might add that these poor deserving souls got very short changed as this pale, and piss poor alternative was offered to them.

  Enter Camilla stage left. On the world stage she has no relevance, supports very few charities, brings our attention to the sport of hunting (now banned) and gets down and dirty with the farm animals. Basically, she is a matronly frump and no matter how much tax payer money is thrown at her, she will always be an embarrassment.

  So what makes a queen? High drama? Bitchy remarks? Hissy fits? No – we are not talking about gay campy queens. We mean a royal Monarch. Someone who understands duty and morality, someone who is in touch with their country and its people. A mother of our first family, embracing values we can admire and hope to emulate.

  The various titles of this book have probably given you a clue as to what I feel doesn’t make a Queen (or for that manner a decent monarch). We don’t need another tyrant, we don’t need more tampons, we don’t need Camilla, and we DON’T need to be consistently lied to.

  Although the subject matter is serious, at the risk of being somewhat obvious, my intention is to make you laugh. So stick your tongue firmly in your cheek and read. You might even notice yourself saying, ‘Wow! I can't believe it!’ (if you are from the Commonwealth) or… ‘Well, I never did!’ (if you are from Ol' Blighty) and… if you can say all that with your tongue firmly planted in your cheek – well, it’s a talent I never mastered.

  Dear Reader:

  Just in case you aren’t aware who those people on the front cover are, they are Camilla Shand (now Duchess of Cornwall) being married by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, to Prince Charles.

  Close-by, but not in view on the above photo are (above - left to right) wearing a cream hat and coat and trying to hide behind a post - HRH Her Majesty The Queen; Prince Philip; Prince Andrew; Sophie, Countess of Wessex, (wife to Prince Edward); Prince Edward; and in green, half of Princess Anne (Anne couldn’t get any further away from Camilla if she tried)! In the front row, left to right are Prince Harry and Prince William, neither of whom are looking too happy about proceedings.

  In fact, no-one looks happy – and no wonder. You’ll understand why once you’ve read this book.

  Jacalynne

  With the glorious advent of Kate and Williams impending nuptials scheduled for 29th April 2011, a knife in the heart of the Tampon and Tyrant dynasty can be felt. Cries of frustration are heard from the Prince of Wales’ Palaces, as Charles and Camilla, see Charles grasp on the Throne become even more tenuous. Maybe, there is justice in the world?

  Get ready for a “game” of musical chairs…

  I wonder who will win?

  Prince William proposes to Kate Middleton with his Mother’s

  (Princes Diana) Engagement Ring

  “I had been carrying it around with me in my rucksack for about three weeks before that and I literally would not let it gom” Prince William said. “Everywhere I went I was keeping hold of it because I knew this thing, if it disappeared I would be in a lot of trouble and because I’d planned it, it went fine. I was really pleased she said yes. It’s my m
other’s engagement ring so I thought it was quite nice because obviously she’s not going to be around to share any of the fun and excitement of it all – this was my way of keeping her close to it all.”

  Just like London transport bus. You wait years for a royal wedding and two come along at once.

  Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara Phillips & England Rugby player Mike Tindall have also just announced their engagement to be married. Being Anne’s daughter, Zara, remained true to style and arranged her photo shoot straight after she had been mucking out the stables. The photographer’s need to capture her engagement ring also revealed her dirty finger nails…….

  FIRST GREAT GRAND-CHILD FOR THE QUEEN

  12th in line to the throne: The baby is the first child for Mr. and Mrs. Phillips - pictured here in Scotland last year - the first grandchild for Princess Anne and the first great-grandchild for the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh.