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  By the end of the consultation, Nia felt hugely relieved. She finally believed she had direction and support on how to get out from the bottom of the despair of alcoholism. Nia had absolute confidence and a willingness to proceed to the next step.

  The next day, she got her promised LOA to go to her first AA meeting.

  “My name is Nia, and I am an alcoholic.” As she said these words, she had no sense of shame or remorse; she felt relieved to be with equals living in the solution.

  Nia stayed in the psychiatry ward for two months, going to meetings every day. Each day, she felt was one step closer to being more at ease. There was so much compassion and support from the women in the AA meetings. She got a sponsor and started working on the steps.

  Dr. Jamison didn’t want Nia to return to her toxic marriage. He knew that AA, the doctor of addiction medicine, and her therapeutic group were getting Nia stronger in her recovery.

  Nia was discharged from psychiatry on January 15, 2009, and admitted the same day to a residential addiction treatment centre for twenty-one days.

  There was still no contact from Fernando, so Nia had to find her own way home from a different city on her discharge day from rehab. His detachment came as no surprise to her, and she just rolled with it—just like she always did. Nia realized her husband and his poor care and lack of regard for her wouldn’t compromise her sobriety; she held firm to her intentional path of recovery. And so they lived like complete strangers under the same roof. They spoke no words to each other—Nia just stayed out of his way.

  Five months into her sobriety, Nia felt a bit stronger and decided to test the water by stepping in front of him on his way to the kitchen. “I’m five months sober today.”

  That moment could’ve been Fernando’s opportunity to throw Nia a small bone of encouragement, but instead, he chose to spout harsh words of blame at her.“You’re the cause of all of our problems. You let booze take over and ruin everything.”

  To emotionally protect herself, she had to shut herself down. All she could hear was his anger and his repeated use of:

  “You . . .”

  “You . . .”

  “You . . .”

  The pain was too great on that cold day. Finally, she came to terms with the need to put a last-ditch plan together to revive their marriage.

  Chapter 40

  Does He Love Me?

  The marital bed was as frozen as the season. Lying beside Fernando, separated by what felt like the Berlin Wall, Nia had déjà vu of the end of her marriage to Simon.

  “Do you love me?” Nia asked Fernando, knowing he was not asleep yet.

  Fernando knew her pause was waiting for his answer but resisted responding. Nia held her position with the question to him and continued to wait him out. After a painful few minutes, he, by rote, said, “I love you.”

  By his resentful tone, Nia knew he was just saying what she wanted to hear.

  The following night, the stage of the bedroom scenario was the same as the previous night. Nia was giving him yet another chance, perhaps to toss her a lifeline, no matter how frayed. “Do you love me?”

  “I love you.” He recited the words as if he had rotten fish in his mouth.

  On the third night, she asked the same question. This time his anger flared like the weekend before with his harsh daggers of words, all beginning with, “You . . . You . . . You . . .”

  Nia couldn’t bear his repetitive diatribe of disgust, confirming for her with absolute clarity at the moment that this would be the end of her willingness to hold any value or sustainability to their marriage.

  Nia questioned herself as to why Fernando wasn’t ending it himself. Over and over in their union, it was evident her husband was in a perpetual state of chronic inertia. With any critical decision put before him, he would avoid rather than put any effort into the choice he obviously found too difficult to make. He would shut down any of her questions or concerns. If the issue at hand didn’t involve a home-cooked meal or sex, he didn’t want to make a connection.

  If Nia persisted with a request, Fernando would resort to abusive anger, which was his superpower over her. Simon used the very same weapon of control. And there it was; she finally recognized the pattern of the choices she’d made with her two husbands. With absolute clarity, Nia was determined to amputate the necrosis out of her life. She set in motion her divorce plan.

  Nia knew Fernando wouldn’t physically leave the marital home given his inability to move forward. She also knew if he felt pushed against the wall by divorce, he would react with violence. The severing had to be quick; in her previous married life, she learned an effective action and once again changed the locks.

  Nia hired a lawyer a few weeks earlier, knowing that this course of their marriage was nearing its end, despite giving him multitudes of chances to resuscitate some life back into their marriage. As in his obsessive hockey world, she had been fouled and made the absolute decision to put Fernando permanently in the penalty box and out of her life forever.

  The letter from Nia’s lawyer was couriered and arrived at Fernando’s office on the morning of April 30th, taking him by total surprise. His rage came deep from the volcano within him.

  It required no imagination on Nia’s part to predict what his reaction would be. Nia knew there would be no going back. The letter signaled a change for the better in her life. Nia was grateful for her sobriety, her freedom, and her newfound peace of mind and spirit.

  Mika finally got out of CPRI and into a lifelong living placement in his own home with twenty-four-hour care. He proudly called it “Mika House” with a big smile on his face. His constant smile reassured Nia he was happy and content in his new place, with a multitude of activities and opportunities based on his wants and needs.

  Nia’s new life was far removed from daily crises and fear-based survival. Sobriety and living the Twelve Steps of AA taught her a mindful, peaceful way of living. Fear was replaced by faith, worry with acceptance, and imperfection with unique beauty.

  Chapter 41

  Nia Meets Arjan

  Nia’s life continued to evolve, and she had many rewarding experiences. One that Nia could never have imagined happening in her previous life was her passion for motorcycle riding on a Harley Davidson Road King Classic, no less.

  Nia’s fervour for riding led her to many beautiful places, experiences, and people. This was especially the case in 2014. Early in the year, she and her riding girlfriend, Barb, had the opportunity to help a family of six children—the youngest was only three—who had tragically lost both their mom and dad to cancer. Barb and Nia came up with a fundraising plan to provide a bit extra for this struggling family. They put their love for motorcycling to good use and organized a gathering that brought over one hundred motorcyclists to the event for a “Show and Shine” good time.

  The motorcyclists who attended to help the children enjoyed a weekend of camaraderie, food, music, and prizes. Barb had put together beautiful, large, motorcycle-themed gift baskets to entice the participants into donating. Nia’s job was going around with a big jug, asking for donations and selling raffle tickets for the hourly drawing: a two-dollar coin for one ticket and five dollars for three tickets. While Nia hated asking for money, she knew she had to rise to the occasion and put on her (well-worn) big girl pants (chaps).

  Aside from her chaps, Nia donned her favourite red-sequined Harley Davidson tee shirt, her black leather Harley vest, and her well-traveled Harley boots. Like her mother, Nia had become a confident beauty and celebrated herself with classic red lipstick and Dior’s Poison perfume. She loved stepping into her edgy and playful persona, giving the image of a chic, badass biker to raise a lot of money for the orphaned kids.

  Despite Nia’s disdain for asking people for money, she found herself enjoying the experience. A tall and very handsome man entered the venue looking for Barb, who had invited him. At first glance, he looked out of place; he was older and dressed like he should’ve been on a golf course rat
her than a rowdy motorcycle event. The stranger’s friendly, confident look captured Nia’s attention. His turquoise eyes were like high-beam lures. He sat down with a warm smile on his face, assessing the lay of the land.

  Nia saw this as her opportunity to say hello and present her jug. Without hesitation, he donated one hundred dollars. Nia gave him a cheeky wink and moved on, hoping his turquoise eyes would hang around for a while.

  Throughout the day, Nia saw him across the room, enjoying the music and the robust atmosphere. As the afternoon went on, Nia was stirred by the man’s sincere compassion toward the kids—he didn’t try to conceal the tears when he saw orphans’ stoic little faces. At that moment, Nia felt an abundance of love for the man before she even knew his name.

  The event was a complete success. In just three short hours, the generous motorcyclists raised two thousand dollars for the family of six. The man with the turquoise eyes donated several crisp one-hundred-dollar bills alone.

  With the music still pumping and her money hustle completed, Nia wanted to relax a little and enjoy the festivities. The first order of business was to refresh herself in the ladies’ room. Her show-stopping smile needed only a slight touching up of lipstick, affirming she was still rocking the chic biker image she loved. Naturally, Nia wanted to investigate Mr. Turquoise Eyes further while expressing her gratitude for his generosity. She proceeded to strut her badass self to his table of friends, of which Barb was one of them.

  “Hi, my name is Nia. I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful generosity toward these kids. May I give you a little kiss on the cheek?”

  Predictability, he responded with delight as she laid her ruby lips on his right cheekbone. He appeared enchanted with Nia, declining her offer to wipe off the lipstick mark. “Hi, I’m Arjan. Would you like to join us?” Arjan stood to pull out the chair beside him for Nia to occupy. “You did a great job. Those kids left very happy. It was worth it just to see their little faces light up like a Christmas tree,” he said as Nia sat her tired, leather-clad butt down beside him.

  “Yes, it certainly was worth it. I find it difficult to ask people for money. Thank you for making it easy for me,” Nia replied.

  “Can I get you a drink?” he asked.

  “Yes, thank you. Club Soda and lime, please. You don’t look like a biker guy. Are you?”

  “I’m not, but I do ride a bicycle,” he said with a glint in his eye.

  “What made you want to attend this motorcycle gig?” Nia asked with genuine curiosity.

  “A neighbour from my cottage in Parry Sound invited me to join her.” Arjan motioned towards the woman seated on the other side of him. “Meet my friend, Janet. She’s friends with Barb. Janet felt I needed to break loose and get out of my rut. The ink on my divorce papers is still wet.”

  “Happy you could come, and I am pleased to meet you,” Nia said with a genuine, heart-warming smile.

  The afternoon turned into early evening, and the conversation and laughter between Nia and Arjan continued seamlessly. His name suited his grandeur. They discovered that they had many things in common: four children, twice married, a love of nature, travel, fine dining, and theatre. The two had a mutual spirit for adventure, resilience when faced with adversity, and both were Catholic (Nia practically heard a hallelujah from her mother in heaven). The most interesting commonality seemed to be a mutual desire to pursue the joys yet to be found in the remainder of their lives.

  As the stars began appearing, Nia said, “This fundraiser exhausted me, and I still have a long ride home.”

  “Can I call you sometime to go out for dinner or a movie or both?” Arjan seemed anxious not to lose their newly found connection.

  Nia smiled and reached into her bag for lipstick. She wrote her phone number on his bar napkin. She knew she had a pen but preferred to play the cheeky lady to the end.

  Thoughts of Arjan swirled in her mind on her ride home, and Nia was confident she would hear from him soon. Once home, she peeled off her leathers and gratefully sunk into the bathtub, soaking in the delights of the day.

  A few days later, Arjan called her. “Hi, I was hoping to take you out to dinner. Would Friday night work for you?”

  Nia knew Arjan would be travelling from Kitchener, which was quite a distance away. Despite the distance, he was obviously keenly interested in reconnecting. “Yes, that would be lovely. I would like to see you again,” Nia said. After agreeing on a restaurant, Nia hung up, but her smile remained for the rest of the week.

  On Friday night, when Nia was pulling up to the restaurant, she saw Arjan waiting outside the front door with a huge bouquet of long-stem yellow roses. What struck Nia immediately were the yellow roses, a favourable and likely direct message from her dear mother from above. Nia could feel even her heart smiling as she stepped out of her black Audi TT in her subtly sensual little black dress with pearls and heels.

  “Hello, Nia. These are for you,” Arjan said as he handed her the fragrant bouquet.

  Nia graciously accepted the flowers and could see from his expression that he was enthused to see her. She could tell by his look that he wasn’t expecting to see a classic feminine beauty; she looked quite different from the well-appointed Harley babe she’d been when they first met. “Thank you for the roses. They’re beautiful.” As she said the words, she could feel the not-so-subtle presence of her mother nudging her closer to him.

  The two were ushered to their table and easily struck up a conversation. Arjan told Nia about his first marriage to a woman he deeply loved and was the mother of his four children. She died of breast cancer when she was only forty-nine years old. Nia could see his unabashed feelings in his memory of her and the life they had together. He continued to talk about his two years of being single following her death and the pangs of loneliness that propelled him into his second marriage.

  Yikes. Nia felt a sobering chill up her spine; she related his story to her own, caving into the same feeling. Loneliness camouflaged all the red warning flags of both of their second marriages. Both had traveled down the potholed road of believing they could “fix” their respective partners’ selfish behaviours. Similarly, blind loyalty to their vows was the mortar that held both of their fragmented unions together—his for twenty-three years. That conversation led them to ponder together if loyalty was a strength or a weakness. Quickly, they both declared “stupidity” and laughed their way through coffee and dessert.

  When the dinner date was winding down, Nia thanked him for the lovely evening and the yellow roses. He walked her to her car and opened the door. Again, she kissed him on the cheek, bidding him goodbye with her flirty insignia, and gracefully got into her car.

  On Nia’s drive home, she was aware of a synergy taking place, different than anything she had felt before. The friendship with Arjan had a natural flow to it. Nothing needed to be steered, augmented, deleted, or adjusted. By allowing herself to “be” in it and let it evolve naturally seemed like a blatantly obvious course of action. She laughed at herself. “Life can be so easy if you just let it be.” She erupted into singing the familiar Beatles song out loud to an invisible audience in her car.

  The next day, Arjan called Nia. “I know we just saw each other last night, but I would really like to see you again. Are you free to go to a movie tonight?”

  Nia’s thoughts were confirmed; he most certainly liked her if he wanted to see her again so quickly, and his willingness to drive from Kitchener showed his eagerness.

  It was Nia’s dating practice not to have any suitors know where she lived. She agreed to meet Arjan at the movies.

  Nia and Arjan enjoyed watching Angelina Jolie’s performance in “Maleficent,” and both recognized their enjoyment of the closeness and their shared body heat. After the movie, they went for coffee and talked more about their interests, kids, careers, and travels. They never had idle pauses or discomfort; it was as if they were already good friends.

  Nia could see he was a man of admirable character with strong
core values and a dedicated commitment to them. Their conversations spanned from the more serious topics to ones sparking belly laughter. This was new for Nia; belly-laughter was never allowed in her previous life. She remembered Simon’s mean words, “Laughter is a sign of insanity.” At that moment, she laughed off that dark memory and vowed it would never have any grip on her again.

  Chapter 42

  Nia’s Disclosure

  Two months into their delightful new relationship, Nia began to grapple with the necessity to tell Arjan about her alcoholism. Any sooner was out of the question; her medical issues were on a need-to-know—not have-to-know—basis. Turquoise Eyes had undoubtedly become important and special to her. Arjan needed to know, and more importantly, she wanted him to know. Progressing any further into the relationship and not telling him was going to make her feel dishonest.

  On a Sunday morning, Arjan was making coffee for them; he liked serving Nia her first cup of coffee in bed. She needed the coffee to get up her nerve.

  Nia waited until Arjan finished his coffee—it was the least she could do to wait until he was fully caffeinated to bring up this topic. She swallowed the last bit of liquid in her cup and took a deep breath while looking at Arjan sitting in a nearby chair. “Arjan, I have something I need to tell you.”

  Arjan immediately fixed his eyes on hers, trying to find a clue as to what it could be. His racing thoughts were now palpable in the space between them. He went silent, waiting for her to explain.

  “It’s time I tell you more about myself. I don’t often share what I am about to tell you. Only my family and closest of friends know. I hope you realize that I truly value what we have. Out of respect for you and being true to myself, I need to unveil this to you now. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been since 2008.”