Laughter Is the Best Medicine Read online

  I was fired after I sent company data to someone named Michael Finn. Turns out, I was actually told to send it to “Microfilm.”

  In honor of my brother’s retirement from the police force, my sister-in-law decided to throw a surprise party for him. Plans made in secrecy over a two-month period included catering and entertainment decisions as well as travel accommodations for over 100 friends and relatives from around the country. At the party, my brother stood up to address his guests. As he looked around the room at everyone who had secretly gathered on his behalf, he shook his head and said, “After 25 years on the police force, I finally know why I never made detective.”

  —LAWRENCE WRIGHT

  Our coworker went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man’s chest. “As long as you’re asleep,” it read, “you have a job.

  But as soon as you wake up, you’re fired.”

  —KENNETH A. THOMAS

  For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

  A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the salary hike. His reason? I clearly wasn’t doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the telephone.

  —J. M. DUTZ

  Boss: “I’ve decided to use humor in the workplace. Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times when the work force is being trimmed. Knock-knock.”

  Employee: “Who’s there?”

  Boss: “Not you anymore.”

  —SCOTT ADAMS

  Hey, things could be worse for you at the office! You could, for example, receive feedback like these comments, purported to be taken from actual federal-employee evaluations:

  “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

  “Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.”

  “Sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.”

  “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

  “In other words, we’d like you to start thinking outside of another company’s box.”

  The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news: I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.

  Of course I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

  “Why?” the chairman asked.

  “Because,” I said, “our organizational charts list names with abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want to be known as Robert E. Reuter, VP of CRAP!”

  —ROBERT E. REUTER

  For more than an hour a scrawny guy sat at a bar staring into his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy’s drink and gulped it down. The poor little fellow burst out crying. “Oh, come on, pal,” the trucker said. “I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another.”

  “No, that’s not it,” the man blubbered. “This has been the worst day of my life. I was late for work and got fired. When I left the office I found that my car had been stolen, so I walked six miles home. Then I found my wife with another man, so I grabbed my wallet and came here. And just when I’m about to end it all,” the guy said, sobbing, “you show up and drink my poison.”

  —PLAYBOY

  The top ten signs your company is planning layoffs:

  10. Company softball team downsized to chess team.

  9. Dr. Kevorkian hired as a “transition consultant.”

  8. Pretty young women in marketing suddenly start to flirt with dorky personnel manager.

  7. The beer of choice at company picnics is Old Milwaukee.

  6. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

  5. Company president now driving a Hyundai.

  4. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.

  3. Employee discount days at Ammo Attic are discontinued.

  2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

  1. CEO frequently heard mumbling “Eeny, meeny, miney, mo” behind closed doors.

  —PETER S. LANGSTON

  I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

  —COMIC STEWART FRANCIS

  Only a few months before my father’s retirement, the insurance company he worked for announced it would relocate to another state. He didn’t want to move so late in his career, though, and the company was retaining ownership of the office building, so my father asked if he could stay on in some capacity.

  The only available job, they told him, involved watering and caring for the building’s many plants. Having little choice, my father trained with a horticulturist for a few weeks and then began his new work.

  We worried about how Dad would cope with such a drastic change until he came home one day with new business cards. They read: “Raymond Gustafson, Plant Manager.”

  —ARLENE MORVAY

  There are some predictable phases you go through after you lose a job. I know—I’ve been through more than half a dozen companies in the last 15 years. Here’s what to expect:

  Stage one: I’ll make a few phone calls and be working in no time.

  Stage two: None of these jobs in the paper are good enough for me. Now that I’ve stopped shaving, maybe I’ll just stop bathing, too.

  Stage three: Geez, I’m not qualified for any of these jobs, but the house sure is clean.

  Stage four: Maybe I’ll try a whole new career. I wonder who’s on “Oprah” today? I’ve got to put something on my unemployment claim this week.

  Stage five: The capitalist running dogs want me to fight for their filthy money? I’m going to weave hats out of palm fronds and sell them on the beach. I won’t participate in this sublimation of true human needs.

  Stage six: “You’ll pay how much? Well, I’ve always enjoyed being part of a team!”

  —MIKE SPITZ

  The Powers That Be

  Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control.

  There comes a time when he announces, “All those opposed to my plan say, ‘I resign.’” End of meeting.

  —BEVIN MATTHEWS

  I bought a small sign at a novelty shop that read “I’m the Boss,” and taped it to my office door. When I returned from lunch, there was a yellow Post-it note stuck to the sign. “Your wife called,” it said. “She wants her sign back.”

  —KARL ZOLLINGER

  On my first day of work at a fishing-supply company, my boss showed me many different types of lures. I asked him if the louder colors actually attracted fish. “I don’t know about that,” he said, “but they sure do attract the fishermen.”

  —FRIEDA WOODS

  Businessman to colleague, approaching company president’s office: “Remember to stay downwind from him. He can smell fear.”

  —DAVE CARPENTER IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

  I broke my collarbone in a skiing accident, so I was at home when a package arrived. It was a set of golf clubs that I had won from a sales contest at work. Excited, I phoned my boss to tell him about it. “Wonderful!” he said. “We’ll have to go out soon and play a few rounds.”

  I told him I was looking forward to it, but that I wouldn’t be able to play for several months because of my injury. “No, no, not with you,” said my boss. “I was talking about your new clubs.”

  —MICHAEL D. PROCTOR

  My boss was invited to be the principal speaker at a conference. He
was told that he would have plenty of time for his talk, but that he had to finish by the noon lunch break. Unfortunately, the early speakers took longer than scheduled, and he didn’t take the lectern until 11:45 a.m. “Well, now I know what principal means,” he told the crowd. “It’s what’s left after the interest is gone.”

  —SHERRIE H. LILGE

  To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription “18 Again.”

  The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week. “Hey,” he called out, “who owns the car with the plate ‘I ate again’?”

  —CINDY GILLIS

  Just as our son was learning to walk, my wife brought him to the office. He staggered around awhile, then dropped to his hands and knees and took off at top speed toward the office of the company president. We grabbed him at the doorway, but not before he was noticed by a coworker. “You know,” said the employee, turning to my wife, “His father goes into that office the very same way.”

  —ROBERT N. SORENSEN

  Looking for the perfect boss? You won’t find one here:

  At work today, I was making a profit-and-loss spreadsheet. “Great, we’re in the red!” my boss shouted when he saw it. Then I pointed out that red was bad. “Oh,” he said, “I always get those mixed up.”

  We were doing icebreakers at a meeting and asked what everybody’s favorite Beatles song was. My boss’s answer? “Satisfaction.” No one corrected him.

  At work today, I spilled a little ketchup on the corner of my suit jacket. My boss then squirted some of his ketchup on the other side so that it would match.

  —PHIL EDWARDS AND MATT KRAFT, DUMBEMPLOYED (RUNNING PRESS)

  “I’ve got good news and bad news,” announced my boss as he came in to work. “The good news: I got the senior discount at the movie theater.”

  “What’s the bad news?” I asked.

  “I’m 52.”

  —PATRIC MCPOLAND

  Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

  —PHIL HARTMAN

  Boss to subordinate: “Dan, you’re my most valuable employee. Your ineptitude consistently raises the self-esteem of everyone you work with.”

  —RANDY GLASBERGEN

  Boss: “I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase.”

  Employee: “That’s because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?”

  Boss: “Right. Except for the ‘us’ part.”

  —SCOTT ADAMS

  I work at a tire store, and one day my boss and I went out to run some errands. While sitting at a traffic light, we saw two young guys in sports cars loudly revving their engines. When the light turned green, they took off with their tires smoking and squealing. “Listen,” my boss said, “they’re playing our song.”

  —GARY L. LARSON

  I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag.

  My coworker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked him.

  “Uh, nothing,” he replied, “I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch.”

  —AVIS S. ZABOROWSKI

  Boss to secretary: “Who told you that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas Party, you could neglect your work around here?”

  Secretary: “My lawyer.”

  —BILL NELSON

  My boss mentioned that all our business travel was wearing him down. I said, “Einstein theorizes that as a body approaches the speed of light, it ages at a slower rate. So the more time you spend on jets, the slower you’ll age.”

  “Interesting,” my boss said pensively. “But did Einstein take into account airline food?”

  —ALEX NEWMAN

  I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: “Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes.”

  —DON SNYDER

  “It’s simple, really. You’re a team member when you want something. You’re an employee when I want something.”

  To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.

  —THE LION

  One day my boss showed up for work in a new shirt from her recent trip to Wyoming. It had a picture of trees, a river and the silhouette of a mountain range. “Hey, look,” a customer blurted out. “She’s got the Grand Tetons on her chest!”

  It was the first and last time we saw the shirt.

  —DASHA HAGEN

  Gail, a neighbor, wanted to buy her workaholic boss a special gift. Knowing that I create handcrafted items as a hobby, she came to me. I made a few suggestions, all of which she said weren’t quite right.

  Frustrated, Gail asked, “What do I get for a person who has no life?”

  “How about a nice urn?” I replied.

  —KENNY LEE SKY

  A contest was held to find the dumbest things bosses have ever said. The winning—and true!—Dilbert-like entries were:

  “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”

  “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”

  “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”

  “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”

  The miniature dartboard I received as a gift was housed in a beautiful oak case. I took it to work and showed my friends. Later in the day, my boss came and asked to see it. I proudly showed him the case, but soon discovered our secretaries had a surprise for me: they’d placed a photo of the boss right on the bull’s-eye.

  —RANDY WEECE

  A boss is telling off an employee who has arrived late:

  “It’s not enough that you don’t do your job properly, but you even allow yourself to be two hours late. If I were you, I wouldn’t have bothered coming to work at all.”

  “That’s you,” retorts the employee, “but I have a sense of duty.”

  —PAVEL KRUGLOV

  Finally, after years of testing business software, I landed my dream job—trying out computer games. My first day at work I was listing various ideas in a spreadsheet program when my manager walked by.

  He looked at my screen for a moment, then said sternly, “I’d better not catch you using spreadsheets on company time when you know you should be playing games.”

  —JON BACH

  The mini-uprising resulted when the boss threatened to end our weekly delivery of bottled water. She eventually backed down. But in defusing the situation, she caused mass confusion when she announced, “I am happy to report we can retain water.”

  —ROBINETTE FLYGARE

  QUOTABLE QUOTES

  “If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.”

  —ALBERT GRANT

  “No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.”

  —GROUCHO MARX

  “If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.”

  —BILL GATES

  “Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.”

  —UNKNOWN

  “I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always fin
ds me and brings me back.”

  —ANONYMOUS

  “A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting.”

  —RUSSELL H. EWING

  “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

  —DOUG LARSON

  “I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth—even if it costs him his job.”

  —SAMUEL GOLDWYN

  “It’s for the boss. He’s having a really bad day.”

  My wife, June, answers her boss’s phone as part of her duties. One day his wife dialed his cell phone by accident. “Why didn’t June pick up for you?” she asked her husband. “Be glad she didn’t,” June heard her boss reply. “You just dialed the phone I wear on my belt.”

  —DOUG MURRAY

  Supervisor to employee: “Don’t think of me as the boss. Think of me as a coworker who’s always right.”

  —NEWSPAPER ENTERPRISE ASSOCIATION

  No matter how bad the situation, nothing at our school gets in the way of a day off. Case in point, this e-mail I received from our boss: “We will be out of the office Thursday and Friday,” it stated. “Please hold all emergencies until Monday.”

  —CHRISSY CLARKE

  Husband to wife: “Well, no, I didn’t get the raise…but the boss pointed out a tax loophole I didn’t know about!”

  —DICK TURNER

  As an executive vice president, my father was scheduled to meet with the board of directors of the large advertising agency where he worked. It was Thanksgiving eve, and he and my mother had exchanged numerous telephone calls all day to arrange for the arrival of family members from far away. Their plan finally set, Dad made his way to the meeting. Meanwhile, Mom had come up with a better plan. She called my dad at work, and insisted that his secretary deliver the message to him immediately. The secretary entered the boardroom and announced, “Excuse me, Mr. Harbert, but your wife just called with an urgent message. She said to tell you that she’s figured out a new way to do it.”