Laughter Is the Best Medicine Read online

  “No, but she’s a midwife.”

  —ZSANETT BAHOR

  “As you both know, here at Frump, Cuttle, and Howsen, failure is not an option. So that only leaves blame.”

  Dave was late for work. “What’s the big idea coming in late?” roared his boss. “The alarm clock woke up everybody but me this morning,” said Dave. “What do you mean, it woke up everyone but you?” asked the boss. “You see, there are eight of us in the family, and the clock was set for seven.”

  —JOVELYN ALCANTARA

  Found in a heap of recycled files donated to our school was this curiously labeled folder: “Excuses I Have Used.”

  —NANCY EILER

  My problem is getting to work on time. One morning, driving to the office, I came across a turtle in the middle of the road. I just had to rescue the creature. It took a few minutes for me to stop the car, grab the turtle and move it off to the side. Then I rushed on to work.

  When I saw my boss at the door, I said quickly, “It’s not my fault, Rich. There was a turtle in the road.” Before I could go any further he bellowed, “So what—you drove behind it?”

  —CHRISTY STEINBRUNNER

  15 percent of workers admit to getting to the office late at least once a week. And here are some of their excuses:

  “I dreamed I was fired, so I didn’t bother to get out of bed.”

  “I had to take my cat to the dentist.”

  “I went all the way to the office and realized I was still in my pajamas and had to go home to change.”

  “I saw you weren’t in the office, so I went out looking for you.”

  “I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember my job.”

  “I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.”

  “Someone stole all my daffodils.”

  “I had to go audition for American Idol.”

  “I was trying to get my gun back from the police.”

  —CAREERBUILDER.COM

  While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books.

  One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the “outrageous” $2 fee that I asked her to pay. I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but she insisted she should be exempt.

  “You don’t understand,” she blurted out. “I didn’t even read them!”

  —ALISON SATTERFIELD

  A friend of mine was running late for work and in her haste to make up time was pulled over for speeding. She pleaded with the police officer, “Please, I don’t have much time. I’m already late for work.” Pulling out his ticket book, he said soothingly, “Don’t worry, Miss. I write very quickly.”

  —BONA SIJABAT

  A big challenge of running a small business is dealing with employees’ requests for time off. One morning an employee said, “I need to leave early tomorrow.” Later that same day, he followed up with, “Looks like I’ll be coming in late tomorrow, but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won’t be in at all.”

  —JENNIFER KOONTZ

  “Why are you late for class every day?” the teacher asks his student. “Because every time I approach the school I see a sign that says ‘School. Slow down.’”

  —BLANCA ESTELA ÁLVAREZ

  One day a coworker told my husband, Cary, that she was going home early because she didn’t feel well. Since Cary was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn’t something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, “I hope not. She has morning sickness.”

  —BEVERLY WOOD

  The top things to say when your boss catches you sleeping at your desk:

  “They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.”

  “Whew! Guess I left the top off the correction fluid.”

  “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.”

  “Why did you interrupt me? I almost had our biggest problem solved!”

  “Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.”

  “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic.”

  “Amen. Yes, may I help you?”

  —SHEILA BRYAN

  For the first few months of her co-op position for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a coworker. “I know,” he complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only so much you can pretend you’re doing.”

  —MALORY HUNTER

  Uncle Jim was late for work when the red lights flashed behind him. Knowing he was busted, Jim pulled over and waited with license and registration in hand.

  As the trooper wrote out the ticket, he asked Jim where he was headed.

  “I’m late for an important 7:30 meeting,” Jim said.

  The officer checked his watch.

  “If you hurry,” he remarked, “you can still make it.”

  —BILL DAMMAN

  When attorney David Loudis was more than two hours late for work, he told his boss this tale of woe: He had awakened thirsty in the middle of the night and, heading for the kitchen, tripped over the cord of his clock radio. The dial began flashing 12:00, indicating that it needed to be reset. After slaking his thirst, he glanced at the kitchen microwave and noted the time—1:06. He returned to his room, reset his clock and fell asleep.

  In the morning, the alarm woke him, and he went through his usual routine. Only when he turned on the TV did he discover that the early shows were over and it was 10:30 a.m. In a flash of insight, he realized that the 1:06 had signified not the hour, but the one minute and six seconds of cooking time left after he had prematurely removed some burritos from the microwave the night before.

  —LAWRENCE VAN GELDER

  Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day.

  After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution.

  “Is there another door I could use?”

  —BARBARA DAVIES

  One of my jobs as a teacher is checking on the reasons students give for being late or absent. One mother sent a note that explained: “Please excuse John for being. It was his father’s fault.”

  —CAROLYN HARRIS

  A boss is telling off one of his staff:

  “This is the fifth day in a row that you’ve come late!

  What am I supposed to think about that?”

  “That today’s Friday!”

  —WWW.KULICHKI.RU

  At a company staff meeting, our president asked a supervisor why his project hadn’t been started. The executive sheepishly said that he was waiting for a “go” signal. With that, the president stalked out of the room and returned a few minutes later with the company flag. Standing in front of everyone, he raised the flag and, in race-car fashion, lowered it swiftly while shouting, “Go!”

  —RAMON CARLOS J. ABDON

  I work in human resources and often meet with employees to discuss workplace problems. During one session, a woman who was having a dispute with one of her colleagues complained that she was “sick and tired of having to argue like a child.”

  “Well,” I offered, “why don’t you initiate a meeting with your supervisor and the coworker to discuss your unhappiness?”

  “Why should I have to?” she countered. “She started it!”

  —ANJELICA T. NATION

  My teaching career had led me to an isolated post in the North, where winter temperatures are subzero. One such morning a latecomer handed me a note from her mother, which read: “Sorry Andrea is late. The rooster froze up.”

  —LEONA KROPF

  A note I received from my student’s father: “Please excuse Chris’s absence ye
sterday. Due to my poor planning, my wife had a baby.”

  —MARY FILICETTI

  My wife worked at a country-music radio station in North Carolina where another employee was notorious for the colorful excuses he offered to back up his habitual tardiness. One summer morning when he strolled in late again, the station manager demanded an explanation. “It was so hot today,” the straggler said, “that the asphalt molecules in the highway expanded, creating a greater distance between my home and the office.”

  —PAUL FOERMAN

  A vice president of our company was notorious for insisting on punctuality. He fined anyone arriving late for a meeting a dollar. At one gathering, a latecomer asked what the executive did with the money he collected. “It’s for my early-retirement fund,” he quipped. Immediately, everyone else at the meeting broke out their wallets and added their dollars to the pile.

  —CHARLES WOOD

  Need a reason for being late to work?

  Don’t try these—they didn’t help any of the workers who actually used them.

  “My deodorant was frozen to the windowsill.”

  “My car door fell off.”

  “I dreamed I was already at work.”

  “I had an early-morning gig as a clown.”

  —KATE LORENZ

  Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

  “We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

  “Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”

  —JAY TRACHMAN

  When one of the salesmen in our office arrived two hours late for work, he sheepishly explained that he and his wife had been arguing the previous night. “If you can’t speak to me nicely, you shouldn’t speak at all!” he had yelled at her. Then he spent the night on the sofa.

  The next morning he awoke to find the sun high, the house quiet and his wife long gone to work. A note on the coffee table beside him said, “Bryan, it’s time to wake up.”

  —JANET FRONKO

  Up, Down, and Out

  A coworker had a unique scheme to meet women. He’d call numbers at random from the phone book. If a man picked up, he apologized for dialing the “wrong” number.

  But when a woman answered, he’d strike up a conversation. One day, the department manager overheard him bragging how he averaged two dates a week from this ploy. Was he fired? Did he receive a reprimand? No, he was named Director of Telemarketing.

  —RICHARD REYNOLDS

  Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company’s website with the following words underneath:

  “Updated daily.”

  —DIANNE STEVENS

  The clinic where I work promoted a coworker to head the payroll department, or Payment Management Systems. The title on his door now reads PMS Director.

  —MARILYN PEARSALL

  When my boss asked for a computer diskette containing certain data, I took the opportunity to lobby for a raise. The diskette was empty except for the desired information. So, adhering to the eight-character limit, I changed the file name and called it “IncMyPay.”

  The diskette was returned with a note approving the data, but there was no comment on the file name or the likelihood of a raise. Days later, when I needed to update the file, I noticed the name had again been changed. It was now called “FatChanc.”

  —LARRY ROACH

  Getting fired from my first “real” job wasn’t fun, but it was quick. The sports-information director at the University of Kansas summoned me to his office. Without a trace of subtlety, he asked, “Pete, not counting today, how long have you been with us?”

  —PETE ENICH

  One of my first jobs was with a company that installed swimming pools. My boss called me into his office after a few days to tell me he appreciated my hard work. “As a reward, I’m going to give you a new company vehicle,” he said.

  At first I was in shock, and then my excitement grew as he talked about the independent front-wheel suspension, air conditioning and the color—cherry red. “This baby will really haul,” he said. The next morning my boss drove up and unloaded my new set of wheels—a bright-red wheelbarrow.

  —BILLY BABCOCK

  Nothing makes your clothes go out of fashion faster than getting a raise.

  —LOS ANGELES TIMES SYNDICATE

  I can’t say my friend was heartbroken when her clueless coworker was let go. But she was confused when she saw her at her desk the next day and the day after that.

  It all made sense when the “ex” colleague was overheard saying, “So I guess in two weeks, I have to quit.”

  —JOANNA THOMAS

  The boss called an employee into his office. “Bob,” he said, “you have been with the company for a year. You started in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice president. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want to make you the new president and CEO of the corporation. What do you say to that?”

  “Thanks,” said the employee.

  “Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”

  “I guess not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

  —RON DENTINGER

  Confiding in a coworker, I told her about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of the ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list.

  “Oh, yes,” she replied. “Three of the people have died.”

  —KAYE GORDON

  Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he’d been fired.

  “What happened?” I asked. He explained that he’d fallen asleep at his desk and someone broke into the building.

  “But you’re a light sleeper,” I said. “I’m surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn’t wake you up.”

  “I didn’t get fired for falling asleep,” he confessed. “I was fired for wearing my earplugs.”

  —ALBERTA J., FROM CLASSIFIEDGUYS.COM

  Shortly after Dad retired, my mother asked him, “What are you going to do today?”

  “Nothing,” he said.

  “That’s what you did yesterday.”

  “Yeah, but I wasn’t finished.”

  —BEVERLY SHERMAN

  Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.

  “I never know what day of the week it is,” he gloated. “All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church.”

  —DONALD REICHERT

  I’ve been fired so many times, I sleep in a pink slip.

  —TAYLOR NEGRON, FIRED! BY ANNABELLE GURWITCH (TOUCHSTONE)

  A touching tribute to a waitress, spotted outside a local restaurant: “RIP Sandy. We will miss you.

  Server needed.”

  —JENNINE MURPHY

  At a company retirement party for Richard, one of my husband’s coworkers, the soon-to-be retiree took out a thick stack of notes for his farewell speech. Groans were heard throughout the room, as Richard was known for his verbosity. Moments later, however, Richard was greeted with a standing ovation when he smiled and slowly unfolded the wad of paper into a huge sign that read, “GOOD-BYE, TENSION. HELLO, PENSION.”

  —LAURA HAWKINS

  Steve and Dave were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Steve replied, “I’m an underwear stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.”

  The clerk looked up “underwear stitcher” and fou
nd it classified as unskilled labor. Steve would receive $300 a week in unemployment.

  Then it was Dave’s turn. When asked his occupation he said, “Diesel fitter.” Since diesel fitter was skilled work, Dave would get $600—per week. When Steve found out, he stormed back into the office to complain. The clerk explained that Steve was an unskilled laborer, while Dave was a skilled worker. “Skilled?” said Steve, outraged. “What skill? I sew the elastic on the panties. Then he holds them up and says, ‘Yup, diesel fitter.’”

  —RICHARD A. WRIGHT

  On arriving late to work, an employee was called to the supervisor’s office.

  “Mr. Morales, you’re one of the most valuable employees who have ever worked for this company and, frankly, I don’t know what we would do without you.”

  Timidly, the employee responded: “I’m pleased to hear that you think so highly of me, sir, but why did you call me in?”

  “Because tomorrow we are going to find out.”

  —MARCOS ARAUJO

  “Sorry Marcus … you’ve been demoted.”

  During her retirement party from the Cook County State’s Attorney’s office, coworkers told stories about my less-than-worldly mother. My favorite came from her supervisor, who recalled one of the first arrest reports Mom had created. Under “Offense,” she’d typed, “Possession of cannibals.”

  —CATHY COTTER

  My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and, upon seeing who her nurse’s aide was, yelled, “What are you doing? You’re the woman who helped me pick out interior paint colors!”

  —DAN SMITH

  Workers usually get the ax for one pretty basic reason: They’re not doing the work.

  But as the job-search company Simply Hired discovered, reasons for terminating employment are not always that simple.

  I was fired from my job for eating leftover pizza from another department’s meeting.

  My partner and I, security guards at a courthouse, were terminated for letting a woman ride on the conveyor belt through the x-ray machine at the front entrance.