Laughter Is the Best Medicine Read online

“Just talk quietly,” he said.

  —CHARLOTTE JOSEPH

  Rajesh is at an interview for a guard’s job. “Assume you see two trains speeding towards each other. What will you do?” asked a Railways official.

  “Raise a red flag,” Rajesh replied.

  “But you haven’t taken the flag with you,”said the official.

  “I’ll wave my red shirt at the drivers.”

  “You’re not wearing a red shirt that day.”

  “Then I’ll run home and bring my little sister,” Rajesh smiled.

  “Wow! Does she know any new technique?”

  “No,” said Rajesh. “But she hasn’t seen two trains collinding.”

  “I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”

  “Well,” the applicant replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex, and if I was on time, I was compulsive.”

  —CAO XIN

  Don’t Call Us

  Recruitment website CareerBuilder.com surveyed employers to find some of the biggest job-interview gaffes from the last year:

  Candidate who answered mobile phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office, because it was a “private” conversation.

  Candidate who asked the interviewer for a lift home.

  Candidate who, when offered food, declined, saying he didn’t want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.

  Candidate who flushed the toilet while talking to employer during a phone interview.

  We’ll Call You

  Remember, the idea behind job interviews is to make an impression—a good one, say these hiring executives.

  “One candidate said that we should hire him because he would be a great addition to our softball team.”

  “An applicant sang all her responses to interview questions.”

  “One individual said we had nice benefits, which was good because he was going to need to take a lot of leave the following year.”

  “A candidate told me she needed the position because she wanted to get away from dealing with people.”

  —ACCOUNTEMPS

  A friend of mine who is manager for advertising in a fashion magazine was interviewing applicants for the job of manager of advertising sales. One of the applicants seemed ideal for the job. My friend resolved silently to hire this girl, and asked her the final question: What do you think of our magazine?”

  “It’s an excellent publication,” answered the interviewee, “but there are too many ads in it.”

  —MARIA PETROVA

  Bob had applied for a job in a supermarket and was attending the interview. When the interviewer asked what experience he’d had, Bob said that he’d once worked in another supermarket.

  The interviewer asked why he had left.

  “I was sacked for playing with the bacon slicer,” Bob explained.

  The interviewer was puzzled: “Surely they didn’t consider that to be a serious offence?”

  “They must have,” replied Bob. “They sacked her too.”

  —ADAM CUTHBERTSON

  When I went for my first student-job interview at a supermarket, some friends advised me on a technique that would impress the manager. I was told to smile frequently and use the word “sir.”

  Unfortunately, the ploy didn’t work. The more I smiled and said “sir,” the grimmer my interviewer became. My interview ended when the boss suddenly stood up and showed me the door.

  “Don’t call us,” she said coldly, smoothing down her skirt. “We’ll call you.”

  —FRANCES WHITESTONE

  Nervous during an interview for his first part-time job, my 15-year-old son tried to answer each question as honestly as he could. When he was asked to explain his strengths, he thought a moment, then offered, “Well, I can bench press 100 pounds.”

  —JOY GALLANT

  While my wife was getting a haircut, a young man wearing jeans and a T-shirt walked in, seeking a job. After the applicant left, my wife’s stylist, sporting multiple earrings, a nose ring and bright blue hair, said, “Can you believe someone would come in and ask for a job dressed like that?”

  —JOHN GRATTON

  A police officer was interviewing a young recruit. “If you’re driving on a lonely road at night,” the officer asked, “and you’re being chased by a gang of criminals going 60 m.p.h., what would you do?”

  The applicant replied, “Seventy!”

  —DAVID BROOME

  Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”

  —MIKE SHAPIRO

  Two friends go to a job interview. The first one goes in and is asked by the interviewer, “Tell me, when you look at me, what is the first thing you see?”

  “Well,” he answers, “that you have no ears.”

  “How dare you! Get out!” the interviewer demands.

  He leaves and warns his friend, “Don’t mention that he has no ears it apparently annoys him.”

  “Thank you,” says the friend.

  So the second interviewee is asked the same question when he enters the office: “Tell me, when you look at me, what is the first thing you see?”

  “I see that you wear contact lenses,” answers the second friend.

  “Excellent!” exclaims the interviewer, “how did you know?”

  “Simple, where would you rest your glasses if you didn’t?”

  —ILEANA CONTERNO

  My daughter Miranda works in a lingerie shop, and one evening a young man came in and asked for a job application. After he asked a few questions, Miranda explained the rules for male employees. “You can only work behind the cash register or in the stockroom,” she said. “You can’t wait on customers, or go into the changing areas.

  “By the way,” she added, “most of our customers don’t look like the models in the ads, but more like your mother.”

  With that, the young man tossed the application on the counter and walked out the door.

  —SCOTT SWANN

  A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car. The title of the book: How to Beat a Lie Detector Test.

  —KOMONEWS.COM

  I’m in personnel with the government in Washington, D.C., reviewing applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the question “Why did you leave your previous employment?” One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, “The express wish of 116,000 voters.”

  —WILSON M. CARR III

  “Obviously, we were thinking long term when we assembled this board.”

  I attached great importance to dressing well for job interviews. At one interview, when I noticed that the employers and other applicants were looking at me intently, I assumed they were all struck by my tidy appearance.

  I got the job. However, one interviewer took me aside and said: “We chose you because you looked natural, even though you had tissue paper stuck to your forehead.”

  —SUPREEYA PROMTHONG

  I joined a company’s Human Resources department after graduating from college. In just a few years, I was promoted to be the senior officer responsible for recruiting junior and mid-level clerks. I was only 25, and most of the applicants were older than me. To impress these applicants at the interviews, I dressed and talked quite maturely.

  One day, a woman in her forties applied for a clerical job. At the interview she complained that it was hard to find work since older women were discriminated against.

  “That’s really unfair,” I tried to console her, “plus you look much younger than your age.”

  She smiled instantly and said politely, “Don’t worry, you look very young as well.”

  —C. L. WONG

  In an interview, a plastic surgeon was asked if he’d ever d
one anything shocking.

  “I don’t think so,” he replied. “But I’ve certainly raised a few eyebrows.”

  —P. BACANIN

  To check the character of the prospective department head, the boss says: “Let’s assume you go to my house and ring the doorbell. My wife invites you in, but tells you that I won’t be home for another two hours. What would you do?”

  The applicant hesitates, then asks, “Could you let me see a photo of your wife?”

  —LEA BERNER

  As a foreman for a construction company, my friend Jim was interviewing an applicant. He asked the plasterer to bring his tools in so he could see what he could do. The fellow returned with tools slung over his shoulder and hanging from his pockets, and in one hand he was holding an unidentifiable object covered in plaster. Jim asked what it was. “My radio,” the chap answered.

  “All right,” said Jim, “you can start tomorrow.”

  The applicant looked surprised. “That’s it? You don’t want to see what I can do?”

  “Any plasterman who has a radio looking like that one,” Jim said, “must have put in at least three years of work.”

  —JENNIFER MARCOUX

  I agreed when my 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her résumé, which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. A few days later she called and asked me if I could meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. “Yes, but why?” I asked.

  “The manager wants me to come in for an interview,” she explained, “and she wants me to bring my references.”

  —JOYCE SCHWAB

  Armed with impeccable credentials, a man applied for a position with a top company. Unfortunately, he had a problem with one of his eyes—it constantly winked. “We’d love to hire you,” said the company vice president, “but that winking is too distracting.”

  “Wait! I can make it stop by taking two aspirin,” the applicant said.

  “Okay, show me,” the executive replied.

  The job candidate reached into his pocket, pulled out a dozen condom packages and placed them on the desk before finding two aspirin. He took the tablets, and the winking stopped.

  “That’s fine,” the VP said coolly. “But we don’t condone womanizing.”

  “No, no. You’ve got me all wrong,” the man replied. “Have you ever asked for aspirin at the drugstore while winking?”

  —DAN GUERRA

  Sales manager to an applicant: “Have you any previous sales experience?”

  “Yes, sir. I sold my house, my car, the piano and almost all my wife’s jewelry.”

  Here’s a job to avoid: hiring manager.

  See what you’d have to contend with?

  The candidate told the interviewer he wouldn’t stay with the job long because he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and the old man wasn’t “looking too good.”

  The candidate said she couldn’t provide a writing sample because all her writing had been for the CIA and it was “classified.”

  —CAREERBUILDER.COM

  The employer addressed the applicant: “We want a responsible person for this job.”

  “Then I’m your man,” announced the young man. “No matter where I’ve worked, whenever anything happened, they always said I was responsible.”

  —JEAN BULL

  All my self-confidence and poise vanished as I entered the office for a job interview. As I closed the door behind me, the woman behind the desk in the farthest corner of the room commanded, “Sit down!”

  I sat in the nearest chair by the door. With a puzzled look, she stood up, her hand extended. However, before I reached her, she again barked, “Sit!”.

  I sat in the chair by her desk for a second before I jumped up to grasp her still-outstretched hand. Our greeting was interrupted by yet another “Sit!”.

  I yo-yoed, still clutching her hand, back to the chair. After I was hired, I was assured it was because of my qualifications and not because I was more obedient than her dog.

  —JAN JOHNSON

  Many people have been trained in interview techniques, but not my 19-year-old nephew from Amsterdam. He had applied for a job as crane operator and had an interview. He knew that, besides him, there was only one other candidate. During the interview he was asked: “Why should we employ you?”

  “How should I know?” my nephew answered. “I’ve never met the other guy!”

  —KITTY APPELMAN

  Employer to job candidate: “I hire only married people. They’re less likely to go home early.”

  —HARLEY SCHWADRON

  My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesperson. Where the form requested “prior experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. Nothing else.

  “We’re looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?”

  “I couldn’t swim,” my pal replied.

  He got the job.

  —TEDD C. HUSTON

  Interview Impact

  When you’re interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression. Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:

  Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.

  Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.

  Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her.

  Applicant wore a hat that said “Take this job and shove it.”

  Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

  Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trashcan before coming into the reception area.

  Applicant’s friend came in and asked, “How much longer?”

  —CAREERBUILDER.COM

  A personnel manager was interviewing an applicant for a job with his company. “How long did you work in your previous position?”

  “Fifty-five years,” replied the applicant.

  “And how old are you?” asked the manager, clearly shocked at the applicant’s answer.

  “I’m 47,” said the applicant.

  “I’m sorry,” relied the manager, “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s simple,” smiled the applicant. “Overtime.”

  —SHEHERYAR HAFEEZ

  My husband, a tool shop manager, was in charge of interviewing applicants for a new store opening in our town. Two young brothers from the country entered his office looking for work. At the end of the interview, my husband asked them to bring him photographs for their records. Early the next day the two brothers brought in an enormous photo of the two of them, smiling and hugging each other!

  —RENATA BERNARDO

  In search of a new pastor, our congregation advertised for someone “able to walk on water and move mountains.” We knew we had the right person when a candidate arrived for the job interview sporting a life jacket and carrying a shovel.

  —MARJORIE KAUFMAN

  A man saw a job advertised as ‘Problem Solver’ with a salary of $100,000. He applied, had an interview and was offered the job on the spot. “Do you have any questions?” asked his new employer.

  “Just one,” replied the man. “How can you afford to pay so much?”

  “That,” said the employer, “is your first problem.”

  —COLIN JAMES

  The boss asked four job applicants the same question: “What is two and two?”

  The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.” The second, an engineer, calculated the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The third applicant, a lawyer, cited a court case in which two and two was proved to be four.

  The last candidate was an accountant. When the accountant heard the question, he leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

  After many years of staying home to raise a family, my mother was nervous about her job interview for the p
osition of librarian at our high school.

  During the interview the principal asked her if she read. Since six children didn’t leave her much spare time, she reluctantly admitted, “No.” However, thinking this might hinder her chances, she quickly added, “But I can!” She got the job.

  —ANNETTE GALLANT

  “Dawson takes a lot of work home with him. But he never seems to bring it back.”

  Corporate Miscommunications

  The company where I work provides four-foot-high cubicles so each employee can have some privacy. One day a coworker had an exasperating phone conversation with one of her teenage sons. After hanging up, she heaved a sigh and said, “No one ever listens to me.”

  Immediately, several voices from surrounding cubicles called out, “Yes, we do.”

  —JO JAIMESON

  At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, “Mommy! Mommy!” while she tried to shop. Finally, she blurted out, “I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!”

  The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, “Excuse me, miss.”

  —DENNIS DOOK

  One day a coworker noticed I had on a new dress. She raved about how beautiful it was and wanted to know where I bought it. I told her the name of the store and jokingly added that if she ended up buying the same dress, she’d have to tell me when she was going to wear it so we didn’t show up at the office looking like twins. She replied, “Oh, I’d never wear a dress like that to work!”

  —NANCY J. HIMBER

  My colleagues and I recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: “Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly.”

  —DEBRA DONATH

  Found on the bottom of an office memo:

  “If you have any questions, please read again.”

  —STAN GLEASON

  The topic in the office break room was the high price of divorce.

  “I should’ve taken out a home improvement loan to pay for my attorney,” said one disgusted woman.