Laughter Is the Best Medicine Read online

  During that time an acquaintance whom I hadn’t seen for some time asked me what I did for a living. Sensitive to the question, I jokingly replied: “I’m the director of a residential unit, with primary responsibilities for the design and execution of life-style programs specifically targeted to a model family of four.”

  A week later I received a copy of his résumé in the mail.

  —JAMES C. TANNER

  An artist on Craigslist aimed this contest at potential employers: “Send me a week’s worth of salary and benefits. I will keep and use it all. Whoever sends me the best salary package will win two days of graphic design work! Good luck.

  Good luck! A college student applied for a summer job at a Welsh tourist attraction. But his e-mail address didn’t help things. It was: atleastimnotwelsh.

  —ANANOVA.COM

  A human resources manager was going over one candidate’s application. At the line saying, “Sign here,” the woman had written, Pisces.”

  —JAMES DENT

  When does a hill become a mountain?

  When it fills out an application for employment.

  MARILYN VOS SAVANT

  Our 14-year-old son brought home an application for a job at a fast-food restaurant. When he asked me to check it over, I saw that where the form said, “In case of emergency, please call _______,” he had written: “911.”

  —ANITA K. HANSEN

  If You Really Don’t Want the Job …

  Robert Half International, a worldwide specialized-staffing firm, collects résumé bloopers as a cautionary exercise. Some favorites:

  “I demand a salary commiserate with my experience.”

  “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

  “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

  “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”

  “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

  “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

  “References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

  “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

  “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping.’ I have never quit a job.”

  —ANNE FISHER

  I had prepared my son’s résumé for a job application. I typed curriculum vitae at the top and his name underneath. He delivered the document to the company, and a week or so later, a letter came for him. The salutation read: “Dear Mr. Vitae.”

  —SHELAGH PRYKE

  “Once they noticed your tail wagging, they stopped upping their offer.”

  One of the more enjoyable aspects of my teacher-librarian job is reading through letters from children applying for the prestigious job of library monitor.

  I had announced that applications should be addressed to “Mrs. Slattery” but the first two I opened lost all chance of success. One read: “Dear Mrs. Slavery” and the other “Dear Mrs. Fattery.”

  —ANNE SLATTERY

  Typos and grammatical errors are the most common mistakes creative professionals make on their résumés, according to a survey for The Creative Group. So if you’re job-hunting, these examples of résumé gaffes should prove that two eyes are better than one spell-checker:

  “Languages: English and Spinach.”

  “I was the company’s liaison with the sock exchange.”

  “I prefer a fast-paste work environment.”

  “I’m attacking my résumé for you to review.”

  “My work ethics are impeachable.”

  Having established a successful career as an architect, my uncle decided to change directions and pursue his dream of becoming a chef. After spending several years preparing elegant meals in restaurants and hotels, however, the unusual hours and low pay convinced him to return to his original profession.

  He submitted résumé after résumé, and by the time he came across an ad for a Renaissance architect, his finances were running low. His cover letter obviously caught the attention of the prospective employer: “Though I don’t have a wealth of experience in the area of Renaissance design, I am hoping that you will consider me for this job, because I am Baroque.” He started work the following week.

  —MELODY MCGRATH

  A young man went to a Homosassa, Fla., hardware store looking for work but allegedly ended up stealing two hanguns and a watch. Police say he wasn’t hard to find: he left his job application on the gun case.

  The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you’re no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good:

  “My boss thought I could do better elsewhere.”

  “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

  “Responsibilities make me nervous.”

  —CHLOE RHODES, THE OFFICE BOOK, READER’S DIGEST BOOKS

  A friend of my son had graduated and was looking for work. One day he saw his dream job advertised. He went to send his résumé, but could not find an envelope at first. Finally he managed to find one under a pile of papers. He stuffed the letter inside and posted it.

  Two weeks later he received a reply. Unfortunately, he was not being considered for the job. The company also returned a photo which had been in the envelope. Then he understood why his application had been turned down. It was a photo of him—much worse for wear, half-naked and being supported by two girls—taken at his graduation party!

  —H. SCHEFFERS-VIS

  Sending my résumé off in reply to a job advertisement, I thought my wealth of experience said it all. So instead of including a cover letter, I simply enclosed a note saying, “Dear Sir, I apply.”

  The reply was equally short: “Dear Sir, we regret.”

  —PAUL LANDSBERGER

  I stopped working for three years to care for my two daughters. When I decided to go back to work, there was a “gap” on my résumé, which was not well received by potential employers. When I interviewed for a secretarial position, I solved the problem in a special way: I added three years experience in “Management and Production.” Impressed, the interviewer asked me where it was that I worked.

  “I managed my home and produced two daughters,” I replied.

  I got the job!

  —ADALGISA TEIXEIRA PETUCCO

  Incredible Interviews

  A friend and I used to run a small temporary-staffing service. Our agency did mandatory background checks on all job candidates, even though our application form asked them if they’d ever been convicted of a crime.

  One day after a round of interviews, my coworker was entering information from a young man’s application into the computer. She called me over to show me that he had noted a previous conviction for second-degree manslaughter. Below that, on the line listing his skills, he had written “Good with people.”

  —JANA RAHRIG

  When my husband was interviewing job candidates, one of his standard questions was “What are your strengths?” He received a thank-you letter from one especially nervous young man in which the fellow wrote, “There’s something I’d like to mention that completely slipped my mind during the interview. One of my biggest strong points is my excellent memory.”

  —MITA MUKHOPADHYAY

  Personnel officer to job candidate: “I notice you refer to your work history as a ‘terrifying chain of events.’”

  —COTHAM IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

  I was interviewing a young woman who had applied for a job in our gift shop. It turned out that her favorite sport was soccer, and she was bending my ear about her accomplishments in the neighborhood league. Trying to steer the interview back to her job qualifications, I asked, “So, tell me about your long-range goals.”

  After thinking a minute, she replied, “Once I kicked the ball in from midfield.”

 
—RALPH J. STEINITZ

  Interviewing a candidate for a position in a tire factory, I noticed his hobbies included playing in a pop group. The job involved operating a computer and so one of the interview panel asked the candidate if he had any keyboard experience.

  “No,” he answered, “but I can sing, and we have a girl who plays piano.”

  —PAUL CONSTERDINE

  An accountant answered an advertisement for a top job with a large firm. At the end of the interview, the chairman said, “One last question—what is three times seven?”

  The accountant thought for a minute and replied, “Twenty-two.”

  Outside he took out his calculator and saw he should have said 21. He concluded he had lost the job. Two weeks later, however, he was offered the post. After a few weeks he asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer.

  “You were the closest,” the chairman replied.

  —S. NETTLE

  “The pay is great, but the commute is ridiculous.”

  For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, “Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?”

  “Because I fit in the chairs.” She got the job.

  —JUDITH L. MCKAY

  Going on a job interview?

  Take pity on the poor hiring managers, who filed these reports:

  “The applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.”

  “The candidate told the interviewer he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss.”

  “An applicant said she was a ‘people person,’ not a ‘numbers person,’ in her interview for an accounting position.”

  —CAREERBUILDER.COM

  Mac and Todd, two brothers, went together to an employment agency looking for work. The first brother was called for an interview. “It says here you’re a pilot,” said the employment counselor. Mac nodded. “Well, that’s great. There’s a need for experienced pilots. I have a job for you immediately.” With that, Mac left for the airfield.

  Todd’s interview didn’t go as well. When asked about his work experience, he replied, “I’m a tree cutter.” The counselor said there were no openings for tree cutters. Incensed, Todd demanded: “How come you have a job for my brother and not for me?”

  “Because your brother is a pilot,” explained the counselor. “He has a specialized skill.”

  “What do you mean specialized? I cut the wood, and he piles it!”

  —E. S. M.

  When our daughter’s boyfriend was preparing for a job interview, he balked at having to dress up. “It’s a casual office,” he argued. “Why should I show up in a suit and tie?”

  Our daughter Heather smiled and told him, “You have to make the team before you get to wear the uniform.”

  —DOROTHY DAVIS

  QUOTABLE QUOTES

  “Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.”

  —DAN ZEVIN

  “When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

  —JACK HANDY

  “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

  —DREW CAREY

  “If you call failures experiments, you can put them in your résumé and claim them as achievements.”

  —MASON COOLEY

  “Résumé: A written exaggeration of only the good things a person has done in the past, as well as a wish list of the qualities a person would like to have.”

  —BO BENNETT

  “A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.”

  —ZIG ZIGLAR

  “Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.”

  —ALDOUS HUXLEY

  “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.”

  —HENRY DAVID THOREAU

  “Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”

  —GERALDO RIVERA

  A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”

  “Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.”

  “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what are your strengths?”

  “I’m Batman.”

  Our friend Alex emigrated from Russia to the United States and was looking for a job in engineering. During one interview the personnel director remarked how difficult it was to pronounce typically long Russian names. “What?” Alex said. “And you think Massachusetts is easy?

  —MARION H. MAIDENS

  Running late for a job interview at a large men’s fashion company, I grabbed a white dress shirt that I didn’t have time to iron.

  The interview went well—until the end. “Just a word of advice,” said my interviewer. “You might want to iron your shirt before your next job interview.”

  I held up the back of my shirt collar, revealing the tag. On it was the name of that very clothing company and the words wrinkle free.

  I got the job.

  —ANDREW COHEN

  I had to fill a position at our company’s warehouse and decided to take a chance on a very eager—but inexperienced—applicant. Happily Joe did well and was soon ready to be trained on the forklift. The day he started, however, I heard the scrunch of metal meeting wood, followed by the piercing sound of an alarm system. I ran over and saw that the lift’s forks had been driven through the shipping bay door, severing the alarm contacts.

  “Joe, what happened?” I asked, gaping at the damage.

  “Well,” he said sheepishly. “Did I mention that I can’t drive?”

  —SYLVIA SUMMERS

  An electrician is interviewing for a construction job.

  “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and make it pop back on your head?” the supervisor asks.

  “Sure,” he replies, confused.

  “Can you bounce your screwdriver off the concrete, spin in a circle and catch it in your tool pouch?”

  “Yes, sir,” he answers excitedly.

  “And can you quick-draw your wire stripper, twirl it and slip it into your pouch like it’s a holster?”

  “I’ve been doing that for years!”

  “In that case, I can’t use you,” the boss says. “I’ve got 15 guys doing that now.”

  —KENNETH CROUCH

  “I’m tired of begging people for money,” a man said to an employment counselor. “Can you help me find a job?”

  “How long have you been out of work?” the counselor asked.

  “Who said anything about not having a job?” the man replied.

  “I work for PBS.”

  —JAMES R. WILKES

  So When Do I Start?

  How do you get human resources to remember you? Try pulling some of these actual interview stunts.

  Balding applicant abruptly excused himself and returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

  Applicant asked to see the reviewer’s résumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to interview him.

  Applicant phoned his therapist during the interview for advice on answering specific questions.

  During the interview, an alarm clock went off in the applicant’s briefcase. He apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

  Applicant challenged the interviewer to arm-wrestle.

  —GRADVIEW.COM

  One applicant for a job at my print shop stood out from the rest. He was clean-cut, well-mannered and during his interview addressed me as “Sir.” I discovered why when I looked over his written application.

  In response to the question abo
ut military service, he had written “yes.” Then he added, “It started when I was 11 and my new stepdad turned out to be an ex-Marine drill sergeant.”

  —PATRICK N. MCKENZIE

  Our teenage grandson was eager to get his first summer job working for a bicycle rental shop. During his interview he was asked, “How are you at handling irate customers?”

  “I haven’t had experience with irate customers,” he replied, “but I’m pretty good with irate parents.”

  He got the job.

  —ANNE CURTIS

  When we moved from Virginia to Oregon, I applied for the position of animal-control officer with the local police department. The selection process required an in-depth investigation of my past, including contacting employees at the animal shelter in Virginia where I had worked. During the final interview, the investigating officer told me that he had received some nice comments about me. Then, with a laugh, he shared a particularly memorable remark. When asked if I had any prejudices, a former colleague replied, “I don’t think she likes cocker spaniels very much.”

  I got the job anyway.

  —SUZANNE L. PILON

  My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. “How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?” she asked.

  The reply: “Mainly through my misdemeanor.”

  —GRETCHEN DUFF

  A man walked into a Taco Bell in Haverstraw, New York, and pulled a gun on the cashier. After grabbing the loot, he marched into the manager’s office and applied for a job. He was turned down.

  —LOHUD.COM

  After taking early retirement, I attended an interview for the role of litter warden at the local park.

  “What training do I get?” I asked the council official.

  “None,” he shrugged. “You just pick it up as you go along.”

  —KEITH HAMBER

  “Our consultant recommended this temporary title until the staff gets to know you.”

  I had an interview for a job in a library and I asked my brother for advice.