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Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Page 5
Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online
Page 5
• KYM LOKKEN
KNOCK! KNOCK!
WHO’S THERE?
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should’ve been more specific.”
LILY TOMLIN
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood and thought I’d come over.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
I’m excited to see you too!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo who?
Aww, don’t cry–it’s just a joke.
• AUDREY DEE
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
H.
H who?
Bless you!
• HEIDI HOFBAUER-WAGNITZ
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack up the suitcase.
• LYN PARKER
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
• CAROLINE JOYCE
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
• VICKI STEPHENS
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who’s knocking!
• AUDREY DEE
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!
• LATASHA ROBINSON
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone want to let me in?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Control freak–now you say, “Control freak who?”
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way; I’m coming in!
You can’t knock on opportunity’s door and not be ready.
BRUNO MARS
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe open the door?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking for 20 minutes!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you gonna open the door?
• CAROLINE JOYCE
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
• LAURIE CALLIER
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Weevil.
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
• LUBNA WALI
“You’re knock, knock jokes aren’t funny. They stink!”
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know it’s really me unless you open the door?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi ‘cided to come over to play!
KNOCK! KNOCK.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, thweet heart!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
• DIANE PAGE
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin’ you! So hand over your money!
• SYEDA MANSURA BANU
* * *
A man entered the local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different entries, hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Broken pencil.
Broken pencil who?
Forget it–this joke is pointless.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken you let me in?
If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Will.
Will who?
Will you just open the door already?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!
• CATHERINE WILCOX
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Chester and Ima.
Chester and Ima who?
Chester minute. Ima Busy!
• BARBARA RANKIN
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs your doorbell, it’s not working!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Hey, Alex the questions around here!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy bell works again I won’t have to knock anymore.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body going to open the door already?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Somebody.
Somebody who?
Somebody who can’t reach the doorbell!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked. Open up!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in already!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive you and I don’t care who knows it.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole to see!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help gettin’ in the door.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
. . . Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Mary and Abbey.
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Santa.
Santa who?
Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
* * *
Sitting at a stoplight, I was puzzling over the meaning of the vanity plate on the car in front of me. It read “Innie.” Then I got it. The make of the car was Audi.
• KATHY JOHNSON
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Puns are a form of humor with words.
GUILLERMO CABRERA INFANTE
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Carmen.
Carmen who?
Carmen let me in already!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Convex.
Convex who?
Convex go to prison!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Sherlock.
Sherlock who?
Sherlock your door shut tight.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside–let me in!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry–I’m freezing out here!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know what’s taking you so long!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
The interr . . .
MOOOOO!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got a tummy ache!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me right now?
KIDS SAY
THE DARNDEST THINGS
“When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.”
STEWART FRANCIS
“Yaawn. My imaginary friend kept me up late last night.”
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect.
“Confession is where you tell all the bad things you’ve done to the priest,” I told him.
He looked relieved. “Good. I haven’t done anything bad to the priest.”
• DOUGLAS MATOOK
In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.”
My thirteen-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?”
• LAUREN JOYCE
On Sam’s eighth birthday, my brother took him to a football game. During halftime, a Marine band played, and Sam studied them intently.
“Why the interest in the band?” his father asked.
“I’m checking to see if Ben and Matt from our synagogue are in it. They’re Marines.”
“But they’re in Afghanistan.”
“If I were in a marching band, I’d say I was in Afghanistan too.”
• CHANA PAWLIGER
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
BRANDON SPECKTOR
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”
• LOIS SINGER
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus.
Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, “Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers.”
• ANGIE FLAUTE
When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text–273 words long–etched into the monument.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address,” I told her.
“If that’s his address, how does he get any mail?”
• DANIEL PALOMO
I overheard my seven-year-old son and his friends discussing the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.
“Steven says it’s the parents who bring the toys,” he said skeptically, “but I know my parents wouldn’t know how to drive the reindeer.”
• SHARON PRICE
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.
“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”
• JENNIFER SLOETJES
I picked up my nine-year-old daughter from school and asked how her day had gone. A few minutes later, I repeated the question, and again a few minutes after that. Instead of annoyed, Ariana was philosophical.
“Mom,” she said, “your amnesia is my déjà vu.”
• CLAIRE APONTE
GENERATION GAP
My husband, Garth, loves taking the kids out on Halloween. One year, he decided to start charging them a “daddy tax” on their candy. They each were to give him a small portion of the treats they received.
Halloween was coming up again, and the boys started saying, “How about if we don’t have the daddy tax this year?”
“Yeah,” they all said. “No daddy tax this year!”
“We’re going to boycott the tax this year!” the boys said.
My four-year old, Celeste, added, “Yeah! And I’m going to girlcott it!”
• JANET SWANSON
Her class assignment was to interview an “old person” about his life, so my niece asked me, “What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?”
“I’d have to say the moonwalk,” I replied.
She looked disappointed. “That dance was so important to you?”
• JEAN ROSENSTEIL
I took my eight-year-old nephew, Kerry, to an Easter church service. When the collection plate came by, Kerry added his offering and I added mine.
Then Kerry leaned close and commented, “You’d think God would have enough money b
y now.”
• JOHN LOUMP
On a demographics survey given at our high school, students were asked, “What disadvantages do you see in having children?” Usual answers included “It’s expensive to raise kids,” and “They take up a lot of your time.”
But one boy was not worried about money or responsibility. He wrote, “If I have children, I might have to drive a minivan.”
• CHERITH DIEMERT
I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. Finally, I’d had it. “Do you want a stranger to take you?!” I scolded.
Thrilled, he yelled back, “Will he take me to the zoo?”
• KARLA PETERSILKA
“You’re not going to look good in the ‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation’ essay.”
After my ten-year-old daughter declared her disgust with cosmetic surgery, I dropped a bomb on her. “Don’t be too quick to judge,” I told her. “Before college, I had a nose job.”
She was completely thrown. “You mean,” she said, “it was bigger?”
• TANYA SCHERSCHEL
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”
• RODNEY HOWELL
A young boy was lost in the mall. He ran over to a police officer. “I’ve lost my dad!” he said.
“What’s he like?” the cop asked.
“Baseball and beer.”
Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.
This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were: “When people marry more than once, it’s called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it’s called monotony.”
• RABIA FIDA
Our elementary school was honoring local veterans. The students were a bit intimidated and didn’t know how to approach them.
“Start by introducing yourself,” I said. “Then ask what branch of the military they served in.”
One student walked over to a vet and promptly asked, “What tree are you from?”
• LISA WATERMAN
Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”
“Not really,” I replied.
“Did you marry him for his money?”
“Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.”
“So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.”