Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online

  The subject line now read “He is risen–correction.”

  • SETH BREUNIG

  He was doomed to fail, but last Easter, my husband tried unsuccessfully to get our young sons to have some lunch after they’d already stuffed themselves with a ton of chocolate eggs.

  “They’re not going to eat,” my mother-in-law told him. “It’s Easter Sunday. What do you expect, a miracle?”

  • JENNIFER SMITH

  At an Easter-week meeting of Weight Watchers, a woman said proudly this was the first year her children realized that chocolate Easter bunnies came with ears.

  • DEBRA SCHNEIDER

  “What kind of parents let their children get tattoos?”

  Last Easter, my youngest daughter’s daycare teacher gave each of her pupils a little basket of chocolates carefully wrapped in cellophane. Before we were even out of the daycare center, I saw Jade–who was four at the time–trying to open the much-desired package.

  “Didn’t Chantal tell you not to eat them until you got home?”

  “Yes, she did,” said Jade, “but I didn’t hear her.”

  • MARIE-PIERRE AUCLAIR

  I must admit, I looked forward to our upcoming church service with greater anticipation than usual after reading in our bulletin, “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”

  • MAUREEN BENCZE

  When he was a child, my son was a poor eater. On Good Friday, at my parish church hall they were going to show a movie for the children. I promised my son that if he ate well that week I would take him to see the movie.

  I took him as promised, but first I went into the church to pray. As it was near Easter, there were lots of people milling around the confession boxes. My son looked around with astonishment on his face and then smiled and said: “Mom, this movie must be really great. Just look at how many people there are at the ticket offices!”

  • MARIA CECÍLIA FONSECA

  LUCK O’ THE IRISH

  An Irishman proposes to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

  On learning it wasn’t real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness.

  “It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham-rock.”

  • HAROLD EMERY

  After a leisurely soak in a friend’s hot tub, I found that a chemical reaction had turned my long, bleached hair bright green from the middle of my head down. Unable to do anything about it that afternoon, I twisted my green locks into a chignon and went off to work. To my surprise, I made triple my usual tips waiting on tables. I had forgotten that it was March 17–St. Patrick’s Day.

  • PATRICIA R. STONSBY

  If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

  STANISLAW J. LEC

  For our church’s ladies’ fellowship night in March, we decided to have a St. Patrick’s Day theme and wear something green. Each lady who did would receive a small gift. With all the changes in making up the invitation, the printed message finally read: each lady wearing something will receive a gift.

  • KAREN LINDSTROM

  On St. Patrick’s Day, most of the men in my office wear a spot of green. Usually the color appears in a conservative necktie. At our coffee break, we were admiring the various shades of green displayed by the secretaries when we were joined by Jose, a fellow engineer. Jose is a Mexican-American, and proud of it. Nevertheless, he too was wearing the green. Pinned to his jacket was a plump and glossy green chili pepper!

  • JOHN W. TORRANCE

  How can you tell if a leprechaun is having a good time?

  He is Dublin over with laughter!

  TURKEY TIME

  During Thanksgiving dinner last year, my eight-year-old son watched intently as my husband carved the turkey. “Man,” he said in awe. “They must have fed bread to that turkey for months to get all that stuffing.”

  • HEATHER JOHNSON

  “I always thought ‘Giblets’ was a really funny word, too, until I Googled it!”

  Before Thanksgiving a Minnesota first-grade teacher asked her pupils to tell her what they had to be thankful for. “I am thankful,” said one small boy, “that I am not a turkey.”

  “If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe.”

  • CARL SAGAN

  When a Butterball Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller responded with, “Florida.”

  • SOURCE: BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE

  “Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.”

  • NICOLE HOLLANDER

  An optimist is anyone who has a 28-pound turkey for Thanksgiving and the next day asks, “What’s for lunch?”

  “If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed–like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.”

  • TED NUGENT

  * * *

  My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

  • PHYLLIS DILLER

  “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

  • ERMA BOMBECK

  A disappointed woman called Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with an operator, it became apparent that the woman’s turkey was lying on the table upside down.

  • SOURCE: BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE

  “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.”

  • ERMA BOMBECK

  “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

  • JIM DAVIS

  GOBLINS, GHOULS AND GHOSTS

  My six-year-old son was excited about his Halloween costume. “I’m going to be the Pope,” he said.

  “Ian, you can’t be the Pope,” I said. “You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran.”

  Ian hadn’t thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked, “Is Dracula a Lutheran?”

  • JENNY CRANE

  * * *

  This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

  • CONAN O’BRIEN

  For Halloween my children and I decorated the small area inside our front door with spiders and webs, ghosts, skeletons, a severed arm, floating eyeballs, fog and horror music. We were dressed in our witch and ghoul costumes to greet the trick-or-treaters. My son’s teen-age friends were impressed with our efforts. We were worried, however, about frightening the youngsters. But one costumed tot pushed through the group at the door, left his treat bag on the doorstep, stepped inside and asked, “Can I look at the rest of your house too?”

  • MARION MCKEAND-CLEMENT

  After giving it a lot of thought, my son announced that he considered Halloween a far better holiday than Easter.

  “Why’s that?” my husband asked.

  “Because,” he said, “on Halloween, I’m given candy. Easter, I have to find it.”

  • DEANE BRUMFIELD

  One Halloween, I ran out of treats for the children but kept the lights on and answered the door. When two boys arrived, I told them I didn’t have anything left. One lad said, “not even a chocolate bar for yourself?” No, not a single one. He took a bar out of his bag and and said, “here, have one of mine.”

  • ELLEN STONE

  I asked the three children I babysit what they had dressed up as for Halloween the rainy night before.

  “Emily was a princess,” four-year-old William said, “and I was a baseball player.”

  I asked what two-year-old Jacob’s costume had been. “Jacob was a raincoat.”

  • KATRINA RATZ

  After the Halloween rush at
my parents’ costume business, we discovered that we had many clown noses left unsold. My mom decided to set up a sale box on the counter, hoping they’d move a little faster. And they did, after she put a sign over the box that read: “Pick your nose here!”

  • PAULINE KINGSMAN

  My sister decided to have a Halloween makeup booth at the local mall, but couldn’t think of a catchy name for it. However, when the day arrived and I was helping her set up, she handed me a bowl of candy kisses and a banner that read: KISS AND MAKE UP.

  • MARILYN HEAD

  Last Halloween I opened the door to three sheet-festooned figures of varying heights. “Trick or treat,” they chorused in unison.

  Having had a bad day, I gave the trio a stern lecture on moral blackmail. I finished my tirade by demanding, “And what was your trick going to be?”

  The smallest replied with a squeak, “I was going to say ‘Boo!’ ” They got their treat.

  • JEAN GIBS

  “You trick or treated the neighborhoods . . . I hit the banks.”

  At the pharmacy where I work, we wear a costume on Halloween. I once dressed up as a clown and wore a red foam ball on my nose. But the nose kept falling off, and it finally happened when I was serving a customer. As we watched it roll across the floor, the customer quipped, “Boy, that sure is a runny nose.”

  • EILEEN TKACHYK

  As we went from door to door on Halloween night, people always commented on my three sons’ costumes. “You’re the Black Knight,” they said to nine-year-old Tyler, wearing his chain mail, sword and breastplate; “And you’re Dracula,” to my youngest son, six-year-old Cole; and to my middle son, Nelson, dressed in his toga and vine-leaf wreath, they said, “You must be Caesar.”

  “No,” he corrected, “I’m Zeus.”

  After this happened a number of times, Cole said, “People think Nelson’s a salad cause you made him wear those leaves on his head.”

  • BONITA SIEGEL

  The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn’t real. I know that, and I also know that if I’m careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.

  STEPHEN KING

  Halloween evening I was happily handing out treats to the little “witches” and “goblins” of our neighborhood. Having given out chocolate bars to a couple of boys, I noticed I had many candy kisses left, so as they hurried across the yard I called, “Oh, I should have given you some kisses, too!”

  One little fellow stopped, looked back and answered, “I like candy better.”

  • ADELA BERSTAD

  On Halloween night, my five-year-old daughter hesitated on the front walk of one home–a man was sitting on the porch dressed up like an ogre. Just then a woman came outside with a cup of coffee. Laura happily ran up their walk, calling back to me, “It’s okay, Mom, he has a mother.”

  • JANINE MAXWELL

  Halloween is a big event in the neighborhood we had moved to–decorations, haunted houses, and several homeowners even dressed up in costumes. One woman who answered the door to my children was in a gaudy dress, garish makeup and a wild hairdo. We commented on her costume while the kids received their candy.

  A month later I bumped into the same lady at the grocery store. Imagine my embarrassment when it registered–she hadn’t changed a bit!

  • L. ALLIN CANNADY

  On Halloween, I opened the door to a child no more than four years old. As I held out the candy dish, our dog Samy came up to her, barking joyously.

  “You have a dog?” said the little girl, surprised.

  I told her that Samy likes children and would not hurt her. Still, she stepped back.

  “Yes,” she said, not reassured, “but I’m dressed as a cat!”

  • MARTINE L. GONTHIER

  As a school-bus driver I wear a costume on Halloween. Last year I was a scarecrow, complete with straw hair. After my day at work, I drove my two youngest kids to Grandma’s house to show her our costumes. To avoid the trick-or-treaters, I took an alternate route, and five-year-old Tyler asked repeatedly if I was lost. I assured him that I’d driven to Grandma’s hundreds of times.

  “Oh,” Tyler replied. “Well, I wasn’t sure, because we all know that scarecrows only have straw for brains.”

  • CYNDY HESLIN

  One evening in mid-October last year, I answered a knock on the door. There in front of me was a tall youth with a Dracula mask on his head. “Trick or treat,” he announced.

  I complimented him on his scary appearance but told him that Halloween was not for another two weeks.

  “I know,” he replied. “But I’m away then.”

  • JIM ROBERTSON

  I went to a Halloween party where everyone was in costume, except for this one fellow who was dressed handsomely and was carting around a long piece of lumber that looked like a 2 x 4. I stopped trying to guess what his costume was, and instead just asked what he was dressed as. He pointed to himself and the piece of wood and said, “We’re a couple of studs.”

  • MICHELE COUTU

  HEARTS AND FLOWERS

  During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, “Okay, okay!” Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen again!”

  • SANDRA L. CARON

  My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”

  • CINDY WOLF

  What did the chef give his wife on Valentine’s Day?

  A hug and a quiche.

  • JOHN SIERZANT

  My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office–and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

  • GENE HYDE

  * * *

  I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

  • COMIC PAUL MCGINTY

  “It’s Valentine’s Day and you couldn’t even get me a card?”

  Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie–What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”

  • RICHARD B. BLACKWELL

  It was Valentine’s Day and my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Kimberly, and I decided we would surprise my husband with a special dinner. We shopped for the ingredients and I prepared his favorite meal. Then we set the table with our best tablecloth, china, crystal and candles. At the last moment, we decided we should dress up for this special event. We ran to our bedrooms. I donned my black cocktail dress and then met Kimberly in the hall, wearing her Halloween bunny costume.

  • JANICE STARYK

  As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for
my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”

  • MARY LOU PITTMAN

  My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”

  The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

  • BRAD WILCOX

  The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” he asked.

  • CHRISTINE A. PANDOLFO

  In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “Well, I thought about it for a long time,” he said between chews.

  “And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls.”