Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online

  • NATHALIE GOUGEON

  My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk.

  She looked at me bewildered and replied, “But I didn’t order milk.”

  • JANET A. NUSSBAUM

  To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway. After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach.

  “I’ll get it, Daddy,” Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier.

  • JANICE DECOSTE

  My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone’s well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. “I have to hand it to Pat,” she told me. “She really is smart. Not Jeopardy! smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart.”

  • TERESA BRUCE

  * * *

  “I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.

  • AARON KARO, ON RUMINATIONS.COM

  While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-school them. With a raised eyebrow he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said no, I also work–out of our home. Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

  “He was born at home,” I answered.

  The man looked at me, then said, “Wow, you don’t get out much, do you?”

  • LAURA HANSER

  One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

  This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”

  I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

  Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”

  • KENNETH W. HOLMES

  * * *

  A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

  • OGDEN NASH

  As the result of an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother pasted a sign reading “I hate Mom” on the door to his room, and slammed it shut.

  My dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff. “I’ll take care of it,” he confidently told Mom, and went into my brother’s room. Minutes later, Dad came out. “He doesn’t hate you anymore,” he reassured her.

  Sure enough, my brother had crossed out “Mom” on his sign. It now read “I hate Dad.”

  • MICHELE PECORARO

  Since I am a busy mom of four, I rely on my children to help me out with everyday chores around the house. One morning I was running around trying to get the children and myself ready, when I suddenly realized it was trash pickup day. So I handed a bag of garbage to my sleepy seven-year-old son and told him to toss it in the trash bin on his way out the door.

  Glancing out my window moments later, I saw him wearily boarding the bus. He was carrying his backpack, his lunchbox and a big white bag of garbage.

  • LYNN PAREJKO

  As she slid behind the wheel for her first driving lesson, my daughter couldn’t contain her excitement. “You need to make adjustments so the car is comfortable for you, the driver,” I began. “Now, what’s the first thing you should do?”

  “Change the radio station,” she said.

  • RHONDA BUCALO

  I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. “I wish we could trade places,” I said, knowing how much he dreaded the coming ordeal.

  He watched as I gathered our newborn onto my left arm and picked up a package with that hand. I flung a diaper bag and my purse over my right shoulder, grabbed our two-year-old with my free hand and wrestled the car keys from him.

  My husband shook his head. “No, thanks,” he said. “At least where I’m going they give you anesthesia.”

  • LINDA CHIARA

  “My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d gotten as a present.

  “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”

  Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”

  • ANDI OLSON

  Sean, my son, was twelve when he first decided to do his own laundry. He called me at work to ask how much soap to use. “About a capful,” I replied.

  I arrived home a few hours later to find suds halfway up the basement stairs. “How much soap did you use?” I said, gaping at the mess.

  “Only a capful,” he said sheepishly, holding a damp baseball cap.

  • MARY LOU COGHLAN

  As my fortieth birthday approached, my husband, who is a year younger, was doing his best to rub it in. Trying to figure out what all the teasing was about, our young daughter asked me, “How old is Daddy?”

  “Thirty-nine,” I told her.

  “And how old will you be?”

  “Forty,” I said sadly.

  “But Mommy,” she exclaimed, “you’re winning!”

  • KELLEY MARTINEZ

  * * *

  A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

  • JERRY SEINFELD

  “Kevin, your mom and I have decided it’s about time you moved out.”

  Our twenty-five-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he’d planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read “Condo down payment.”

  • TERESITA CORCUERA

  It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I’d deal with it. I hadn’t reckoned on my little tattletales, however. They rushed into the house with the news: “Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!”

  Impressed, my husband asked, “How did you fix it?”

  “I turned up the volume on the radio,” I confessed.

  • RUTH TEN VEEN

  My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

  ERMA BOMBECK

  When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

  He whispered back, “Why, I didn’t kill him.”

  • CHARLES GILDERSLEEVE

  Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote, “My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off.”

  • DARLENE KERANEN

  * * *

  Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  • GEORGE BURNS

  My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen
relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

  “Listen to me, Matthew,” his mother said sharply. “From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?”

  Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, “Okay. Disney World.”

  • LEAH HALLENBECK

  Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. “The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,” I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, “How many different colors do you see?”

  “Six,” volunteered my daughter. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”

  • ALLISON BEVANS

  RIDDLE

  ME THIS!

  “I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.”

  GEORGE CARLIN

  Q: Where does a king keep his armies?

  A: In his sleevies!

  • SAM ROBERTS

  Q: What did the Zero say to the Eight?

  A: “Nice belt!”

  • TRACI OHREN

  Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

  A: Spoiled milk.

  • DUSTIN GODSEY

  Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?

  A: A coat of paint.

  Q: What has 13 hearts, but no other organs?

  A: A deck of playing cards.

  Q: Why was the chef embarrassed?

  A: Because he saw the salad dressing!

  Q: What do you call an old snowman?

  A: Water!

  Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

  A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

  Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

  A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

  Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?

  A: The thesaurus.

  Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?

  A: His ghoulfriend.

  Q: Why do artists constantly feel cold?

  A: Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

  Q: Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy?

  A: He broke out.

  • JAMES BRINK

  Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

  A: Gets jalapeño business!

  Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

  A: A nervous wreck.

  Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

  A: Fsh.

  Q: Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?

  A: Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

  Q: Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

  A: Because you should never drink and derive.

  Q: Why do bicycles fall over?

  A: Because they are two-tired.

  Q: How does Moses make tea?

  A: He brews.

  Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?

  A: Because there was Noël.

  Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?

  A: Jungle Bells.

  Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?

  A: Because they are rain deer.

  * * *

  I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

  • @RICKCOUCHMAN

  Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?

  A: A stapler.

  Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

  GEORGE CARLIN

  Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

  A: He had low elf-esteem.

  Q: What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

  A: “Gee, I’ll never part with it!”

  Q: Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?

  A: Swine and cowswine.

  Q: What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy?

  A: Make me one with everything.

  Q: Did you hear about the giant who threw up?

  A: It’s all over town.

  Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

  A: Halfway.

  Q: Why are cowboy hats turned up on the sides?

  A: So that three people can fit in the pickup.

  Q: Why were all the ink spots crying?

  A: Their father was in the pen.

  Q: Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

  A: They always take things literally.

  Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?

  A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

  Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

  A: Dam!

  • DUSTIN GODSEY

  Q: What is an index?

  A: It’s what you wash windows with.

  • JESSICA SHEEHAN

  Q: Use the word baron in a sentence.

  A: Mrs. Jones is baron and can’t have children.

  • MARCIA SHEALEY

  Q: The War of 1812 was between . . .

  A: 1811 and 1813.

  • MELISSA SORGEN

  Q: You’re riding a horse at full speed. You’re being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation?

  A: Get off the carousel.

  • STEPHANIE FINLAYSON

  Q: How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

  A: Put lox on it.

  Q: What did one eye say to the other?

  A: “Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”

  Q: What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?

  A: A used karma dealer.

  Q: Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?

  A: The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

  Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?

  A: Santa Jaws!

  “Go sit in WHAT corner?”

  Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

  A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

  • ADAM JOSHUA SMARGON

  Q: How was copper wire invented?

  A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

  • TERRY SANGSTER

  Q: Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday or Sunday?

  A: Of course, you can–yesterday, today and tomorrow!

  • CLAUDINE BAKKER

  Q: Why was the math book sad?

  A: Because it had so many problems.

  Q: How do radios greet each other?

  A: With airwaves.

  Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?

  A: His chips are moving.

  I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

  MITCH HEDBERG

  Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Four. One to change the bulb and the other three to sing about how good the old one was.

  Q: Why did the elephant hate to play cards in the jungle?

  A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

  Q: What’s the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?

  A: A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

  Q: Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

  A: They got six months each.

  Q: What did the ill comic say in the hospital?

  A: “I’m here . . . all weak!

  Q: What do you call memory loss in parrots?

  A: Polynesia.

  Q: Did you hear about the tree’s birthday?

  A: It was a sappy one.

  Q: What did the slug say to the passing snail?

  A: “Big Issue, mate?”

  Q: What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

 
A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you.

  Q: Why does the ocean roar?

  A: You would too if you had lobsters in your bed.

  • DOUG BOWMAN

  Q: What do you call a long row of floppy-eared mammals, all slowly hopping backwards together into the distance?

  A: A receding hare-line.

  • ELSPETH MCVIE

  Q: What hides in the garden shed and trembles?

  A: A nervous rake.

  • MICHAEL SHILLITO

  Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a rabbit and an amoeba?

  A: An adder that can multiply and divide.

  • JOHN DRATWA

  Q: What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors under her arm and a corkscrew behind her ear?

  A: Swiss Army Wife.

  • ANDREW BERRY

  Q: What type of scientist digs through dirt until he finds treasure?

  A: A psychologist.

  • GAIL CHOATE

  Q: What do most people do on a date?

  A: On the first date they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

  • MARTIN, AGE 10

  * * *

  If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

  Q: What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?

  A: Both don’t want any more kids.

  • LORI, AGE 8

  Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?

  A: It turned into a field.

  • STEPHEN EDMISTON

  Q: Give an example of a stereotype.

  A: Sony.

  • NICOLE HUGHES

  “Why the heck do we have wings anyway?”

  Q: What is a mammogram?

  A: That’s when people get their initials put on towels.

  • PATRICIA RYAN-CURRY

  Q: What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?

  A: A diamond in the rough.

  • MARCIANO LEE

  Q: How do you decide who to marry?

  A: No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.