Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online

  Contents

  A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS

  ALL IN THE FAMILY

  Everybody Loves Mom

  Father Knows Best?

  Blood is Thicker than Water

  RIDDLE ME THIS

  HOLIDAY FUNNIES

  ’Tis the Season

  Easter Bonnets

  Luck O’ the Irish

  Turkey Time

  Goblins, Ghouls and Ghosts

  Hearts and Flowers

  KNOCK! KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?

  KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

  Out of the Mouths of Babes

  Generation Gap

  Youth is Wasted on the Young

  It’s a Kid’s World

  SCHOOL DAYS

  An Apple for the Teacher

  Straight-A Student

  Failure Is Not An Option

  Teacher’s Pet

  TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

  Superstars

  Superfans

  Get Your Game Face on

  All Bets Are Off

  BRAVE NEW WORLD

  Technology Fail

  World Wide Web

  The Joy of Texting

  Where is the Spacebar?

  HE SAID/SHE SAID

  The Lady is Always Right

  For Richer and for Poorer

  In Sickness and in Health

  A DAY IN THE LIFE

  Service with a Smile

  Just Getting Through the Day

  Just for Laughs

  One for the Road

  A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS

  “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

  GEORGE BURNS

  Ah, family. They are there for us in good times and bad, ready to lend a hand or offer a shoulder to cry on. They see us at our best and our worst, and, if we are lucky, they accept us just as we are. If we are equally lucky, they help us find the humor in life as well–or unknowingly provide it.

  Here at Reader’s Digest, we have always turned to humor to bring us together, and over the years we’ve found that our readers do the same thing. Whether they are sharing the challenges of raising children or aging gracefully; surviving the holidays or a family vacation; or struggling with new-fangled math or the politics of a little league game, readers enjoy laughing at family foibles–their own and others’.

  In Reader’s Digest Funny Family Jokes we have curated some of the funniest family stories, jokes, anecdotes, and riddles in order to remind readers that no matter the situation, one can always rely on family to offer some comic relief. We hope you’ll grab your family–everyone from ages 9 to 99–and share the gags and funny moments in this book and be reassured that home is where the heart is–and the humor.

  ALL IN THE

  FAMILY

  “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

  PHYLLIS DILLER

  EVERYBODY LOVES MOM

  My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry.

  After the four women left, he asked his mother, “Can you guess which one I want to marry?”

  “The one with short hair.”

  “Yes! How’d you know?”

  “Because that’s the one I didn’t like.”

  • FATIMA FARHAT

  Eight months into my pregnancy, I was being bombarded with kicks from inside the womb.

  “He sure keeps his feet busy,” I said to my husband one day. “Maybe he’ll be a soccer player. Or a dancer. What do you think he’ll be?”

  “Hard to keep up with,” my husband quipped.

  • ELENA BAKER

  On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my fifteen-year-old daughter. “Isn’t that skirt a bit short?” I asked.

  She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those “Oh, Mom” looks.

  When we arrived at my folks’ place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, “Elizabeth! Don’t you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?”

  • ELIZABETH SCOTT

  One evening I was commenting on my bad exercise habits and tight clothes. Whenever I criticize myself, my four-year-old son always has something charming to say.

  Using a new word this time, he smiled and said, “Oh, no, Mommy! You look flabulous!”

  • JILLYNNE M. BAILEY

  My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

  MARK TWAIN

  I’m forever asking my family to repeat what they say. Convinced that I had a hearing problem, I grudgingly went to a specialist to be tested.

  After running all the tests, the doctor said, “Your hearing is exceptional. Your problem is that you live with a husband and three teenagers who all mumble.”

  • LINDA GAUTHIER

  A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

  “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

  “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

  The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

  I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

  “I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,” I told her.

  “Oh,” she said. “Say hi to Mom.”

  • BART KEY

  For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grandmother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, “I want my mommy!”

  I quickly pulled off my mask and said, “I am your mommy.”

  Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, “Then I want my granny!”

  • LAURIE GOFF

  My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative’s bad luck. “Why do you suppose she changed jobs?” Mother asked my sister. “Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed.”

  “Or maybe it just happened,” said my sister, exasperated. “Do you know you analyze everything to death?”

  Mother was silent for a moment. “That’s true,” she said. “Why do you think I do that?”

  • BOBBIE S. CYPHERS

  I was on the couch nursing my newborn when my three-year-old plopped down to watch. Seeing this as a good teaching moment, I explained how mothers feed their babies. My daughter’s eyes grew wider with each detail.

  “She’s drinking milk?” she asked. “In the living room?!”

  • BEVERLY FRIEND

  One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway.

  I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency.

  “What is today?” inquired one man.

  Without hesitation, Mom replied, “Trash day.”

  • JAIME SWART

  * * *

  A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

  I can’t tell the difference bet
ween a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”

  • CY COGGINS

  I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

  RITA RUDNER

  During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and I pick things up. What am I?”

  A little boy answered, “You’re a mommy.”

  • ROBERT BOYER

  While driving on the highway, my daughter noticed a child in the window of a car in the next lane, holding up a handwritten sign that read “Help.”

  A few minutes later, the car passed her and she again glanced at it. The little boy held up the same sign and this time followed it with another, which read, “My mother is singing!”

  • LIL GIBSON

  I was a stay-at-home mom when my kids were young. One day, I had a mid-afternoon appointment, and so I asked the kids to leave a note if they went out after school.

  My eleven-year-old daughter, Karen, left me this note:

  Dear Mom,

  Claudette is at the youth group.

  Ernie is playing road hockey.

  Donna’s at Wendy’s and I’m at the bars.

  Love, Karen.

  She had returned to school to play on the monkey bars!

  • FLO GAUDET

  FATHER KNOWS BEST?

  When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.

  “How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?” I shrieked.

  Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked–the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

  • CORINNE STEVENS

  Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water.

  “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”

  It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I’d get in the fighter’s stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I’d say, “One-two, one-two,” and he would imitate me over and over.

  I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy’s mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, “Would you like one too?”

  It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.

  • ALFRED ISNARDI

  * * *

  My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

  Our priest asked how things were going with my father. “Well, he has issues,” I replied, then shared a few details.

  After listening, he said, “Issues? Sounds like he’s got a year’s subscription.”

  • LAURIE LALDO

  No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her in the chin.

  • ZACHARY GIBBS

  A friend of mine has an adopted son who, at six-foot-one, loves to play basketball. The boy was applying to basketball camp, and a section of the application called for him to write a brief essay about himself. My friend got a lump in his throat as he read his son’s words: “Most of all I am thankful that I am adopted . . .”

  Then my friend got a cold dose of reality as he continued: “because my dad is so short.”

  • RALPH G. LOCKERBIE

  THE DAY I KNEW MY IN-LAWS HAD FINALLY ACCEPTED ME:

  As we pulled into their driveway, my father-in-law was on the phone. “Oh, I have to run,” he told the person on the other end. “My daughter-in-law and her husband just arrived.”

  • KATHY DIERKER

  “Thanks for the talk, Dad. But I was asking about the birds and bees for my zoology test.”

  My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. That’s when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head.

  He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, “Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?”

  After a pause, I heard my husband’s murmured reply: “Not physically.”

  • LAURIE GERHARDSTEIN

  Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.

  “Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the same day.”

  “No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated.

  “They won’t have to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer.”

  • JUDEE MULVEY

  I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

  • @DAMIENFAHEY

  * * *

  There should be a children’s song: “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.”

  • JIM GAFFIGAN, COMEDIAN

  My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was “it.” After a few minutes I located all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but could not find me.

  Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He went to the phone and dialed; they found me immediately because my phone started ringing.

  • LELEND JENSEN

  I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don’t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it’s doing.

  COMIC RAQUEL D’APICE

  An elderly gentleman with a hearing problem goes to an audiologist, who fits him with hearing aids. A month later, the man returns to the doctor for a checkup. “Your hearing is almost perfect,” the doctor remarks. “Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

  “Oh, I haven’t told them yet,” the gentleman replies, “I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times so far!”

  • ROY THIRWELL WARNER

  Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

  He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

  “Hi,” a voice said. “This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house.”

  • LAURE JORGES

  When my father ran out of gas, he called my mother to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a gas can, and returned to his car. After a few minutes, he got into her car again. “We need to go back to the gas station,” he said.

  “One gallon wasn’t enough?” she asked.

  “It would have been if I’d put it in the right car.”

  • KENT T. CRITCHLOW

  When I bought my new Lexus Sport Coupe, my two sons asked me who would inherit it if I met my demise. I pondered the question, then told them if I passed away on an even day, the son born on an even day would get it. If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.

  A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated
in the rapids, I heard my son yelling, “It’s the wrong day!”

  • GREG ZARET

  One night about 10 p.m., I answered the phone and heard, “Dad, we want to stay out late. Is that okay?”

  “Sure,” I answered, “as long as you called.”

  When I hung up, my wife asked who was on the phone.

  “One of the boys,” I replied. “I gave them permission to stay out late.”

  “Not our boys,” she said. “They’re both downstairs in the basement.”

  • LAWRENCE M. WEISBERG

  * * *

  I have mixed emotions when I receive Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me, but I’m disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.

  • COMIC MIKE DUGAN

  BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER

  My mom had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing. “We returned the piano,” said Dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because,” he explained, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing along.”

  • DON FOSTER

  Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her “the talk.”

  “Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy,” I said. “Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.”

  “Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married.”

  • CYNDI LASALA

  My grandmother, Odette, is an avid knitter and a true Canadian. She knits throughout the winter, sitting in front of the TV. Despite having given her tokens of love away for free to family and friends, her knitting outpaced her giving and she decided to start selling her wares. Grandma asked me how much she should charge for each item. I asked her how long it took her to knit something and she replied, “Well, scarves take me about a hockey game and a half, and the hats take me just over two games.”