He Used to Love Me Read online

  I left the funeral home, not feeling well. We were supposed to go and get the outfit that my sister would be wearing at her home-going ceremony, but I decided to do it another day and without my mother. She looked so broken, and it hurt me that I couldn’t take the pain away. The ride back home was quiet, as my mom and I were both lost in our own feelings of losing our loved one. I wanted to talk to her about what her plans were as far as baby Andrea was concerned. I’d be damned if his family got my niece. Both of my parents were retired and probably wouldn’t be able to care for Andrea on their own, because Dad had some health issues, and Mom would be basically doing it on her own. I was willing to help in any way that was needed to avoid have Andrea placed with those people. I didn’t know if his parents knew that he was a monster, but I was not willing to take any chances by placing her with them.

  “Mom, are you okay over there?” I asked her as I saw her wipe at the tears that fell from her eyes.

  “I’m not okay, Jakiyah. I can’t stop wondering if there was something that your father and I could have done. Maybe we could have called more to let her know that we weren’t upset with her leaving. We just let our baby girl move hours away with a man she hardly knew, and we did nothing. We made her feel like we had given up on her, and she didn’t have any family support,” she cried, breaking my heart into pieces.

  “Mom, please don’t blame yourself. None of us knew that she was being abused or was even unhappy in her relationship. Cydney always insisted that she was okay when I would speak to her on the phone. Yes, Andris was known for being unfaithful and controlling, but none of us knew that he was putting his hands on her. But trust me, he will be dealt with,” I said, getting angry that my mom was hurting.

  “Jakiyah, I don’t need for you to get into any trouble. Just the thought of losing another child would kill me. Let the authorities handle what needs to be handled concerning Andris,” she said sadly.

  “Mom, I’m not trying to see his ass in jail, still breathing, when my sister is dead. He didn’t care that he was leaving his daughter motherless, so I could give two shits about leaving her fatherless,” I cried, letting my emotions get the best of me.

  I had to apologize quickly to my mother. I shouldn’t have been having this conversation with her, because all it did was upset her more, and I wasn’t trying to do that. I was just so angry, and I wanted his family to feel the same pain that my family was feeling right now.

  Once we finally made it back to the house and stepped inside, my heart skipped a beat when I saw German sitting in my parents’ living room with Tyhiem and my father. German was the last person whom I wanted to see sitting in my mother’s living room. German and my brother were best friends, and he was my ex. We’d dated for two years before he broke up with me. He started another relationship when he was still involved with me, but he didn’t give me a chance to be mad and end the relationship, because he did it. When I found out he was cheating, I thought he was going to apologize and tell me how much he loved me, but instead, he said that he loved the other woman and that he was leaving me.

  He hurt me so bad that I moved to Georgia and hadn’t been back home until now. Had my sister not passed away, I would have never stepped foot back in New York. I loved my New York family, but they knew that if they wanted to see me, they had to travel. I tried to avoid looking at him, but it was hard because he was still fine after all this time. German was of Dominican descent. He had that sun-kissed skin that was blemish free, curly hair, which he had cut low, thick eyebrows, and brown eyes. That tatted body of his always put me in a trancelike state when I looked at him, and now was no different. As much as I hated him, I couldn’t get my eyes to focus elsewhere. That was until my brother screamed in my face, “Earth to Jakiyah,” not only breaking my stare but embarrassing me too.

  “You play too much, Ty,” I said, punching his ass.

  “Ouch, J! That shit hurt. I had to do something. You were making us all uncomfortable with the way you were just staring at German,” he joked.

  “I wasn’t staring. I was just… Anyway, I don’t have time for your jokes, bighead,” I said, deciding not to put my foot in my mouth.

  “How are you feeling, Ms. Smith? I just stopped by to offer my condolences. I’m really sorry for your loss,” German said to my mother.

  So, he’s really not going to acknowledge me? I thought as I low-key watched him from the corner that I was now sitting in. This nigga must have forgotten that I was the one who should have been acting funny toward him. You would think that he would show me some sign of endearment, the same as he had just shown my mother, considering the situation. It didn’t take long to figure out why he wasn’t trying to show me any love, as his girlfriend descended the stairs. He had the nerve to bring his girlfriend to my mother’s house. Seeing her kiss and hug my mother and offer her condolences let me know that this wasn’t her first time visiting.

  “Jakiyah, this is German’s girlfriend, Tamia. Tamia, this is my daughter, Jakiyah,” my mom said introducing us.

  So, everybody was going to act like they didn’t know that this was the female German had left me for? Given the circumstances, I decided not to be petty, even though my sister, Cydney, would have been like, “Fuck that bitch.” I spoke to her, accepted her condolences—the ones that German didn’t even have the courtesy to extend to me himself. I excused myself for a second as my mother began telling them about the arrangements and showing my father pictures of the casket that I picked for Cydney. I stood in the kitchen, listening to them interact with one another, and I became even more convinced that Tamia was a regular at my parents’ home. I wasn’t going to lie; I felt some kind of way about it, but what could I really say? After all, I had been gone for two years. It seemed as if my mother had bonded with another female who wasn’t me or my sister, and my mother was not to blame, because neither one of us had been here for her.

  I walked back into the living room and saw Tamia holding my niece, and I could hear my sister in my ear telling me to take her daughter from the bitch. I laughed at the thought of my sister, who was a no-nonsense chick when it came to females we didn’t care for. That was why it was really hard to believe that she been too weak to confront Andris’s bullshit. Her ass stayed checking someone, and if she were here right now, she would be checking German and his girlfriend.

  Chapter Three

  German

  I knew that Jakiyah was going to come home for her sister’s funeral, but I never thought she would be here so soon. Ty hadn’t even given a nigga a heads-up that she was here, even though he knew that I was stopping by with Tamia. I was really caught off guard when I saw her walk in; she was still as stunning as I remembered her. She still wore her hair bone straight, but she was rocking honey-blond highlights in her hair. They were similar to Tamia’s highlights. The only difference was that Tamia’s hair was in a short hairstyle. Jakiyah was still built like a stallion, causing my dick to get hard, so I did the wise thing and ignored her.

  I didn’t need Tamia to come downstairs and find me staring at another female, with lust written all over my face. Jakiyah wasn’t making it any easier for me by staring at a nigga like she was ready to ride the dick the way she had in the past. Ty’s ass was foul for calling her out in front of everybody, but that shit was funny. He was always in joke mode, and I wasn’t mad at him, because he did take all of us away from how we were feeling about Cydney—even if it was only for a minute.

  “So, was that her?” Tamia asked me after she walked into the room and sat on my lap.

  We had just gotten home from Ty’s mom’s crib, and I’d been sitting in the living room, chilling, while Tamia had been upstairs, doing what she did best. She’d been on the phone, gossiping with her friend Raven, probably telling her about Jakiyah.

  “Stop acting like you didn’t know that was her, babe,” I responded, lifting her off my lap.

  “She’s pretty, but she doesn’t have anything on me,” she said, swinging her head from side to si
de like she had some hair on her head, causing me to laugh.

  “You’re too much. That girl’s not thinking about you.” I continued to laugh at her because she was being really comical, showing her insecure side, which I didn’t see often.

  “I’m not stunting her ass, either,” she said, rolling her eyes and jumping on my back as I stood.

  I swung her ass around until she was begging me to put her down. I lowered her onto the couch, then lay on top of her and kissed her lips.

  “Babe, you don’t have to ever worry about another woman, because I’m with the woman I want to be with,” I admitted, then kissed her lips again, slipping my tongue in her mouth this time and causing her to moan.

  She had just awakened the monster inside of my pants, and I wanted to fuck the shit out of her right there on the couch, but she shut me down.

  “German, let me up. I want to get out of these clothes and shower before dinner,” she said, pushing me off her, smiling.

  “You’re such a tease,” I joked. I slapped her on the ass before she walked away. She headed upstairs.

  I had loved me some Tamia from the first time I laid eyes on her. She had been working downtown, at the Westin Hotel that she managed, and I’d been there for a luncheon that my job was having in one of the conference rooms. I had stepped out to take a call from Jakiyah, and that was when I saw Tamia and quickly ended my call. I walked over to her, then asked her a stupid question. I believe it was something along the lines of where the men’s room was. It just so happened that we were standing right across from the sign that read RESTROOMS. She smiled and asked me if that was the best that I could come up with, causing us both to laugh. We spoke only for a few more minutes, as I had to get back to the luncheon. She gave me her number, and we talked later on that night, agreeing to go out that following weekend.

  Tamia was a few years younger than I was, but she was great at communicating. I found myself wanting to talk to her every chance that I got. I knew that I was wrong for seeing her behind Jakiyah’s back, but I started to fall for her, to the point where I got careless, and Jakiyah found out. I had never meant to hurt Jakiyah, because I did love her, but I had fallen in love with Tamia, which led me to choose her. Jakiyah was so hurt that she moved away a month after I broke things off and never returned—until now.

  After the breakup, my relationship with Ty was strained for a few months, but we got over it and were back like we had never fallen off. Tamia didn’t know that I was still with Jakiyah when I first started seeing her; she just knew that Jakiyah was my ex. I let her think that Jakiyah and I had dated in high school. I fudged the details about the relationship that I had with Jakiyah only because I didn’t want Tamia to know that I was that type of dude. Seeing Jakiyah again had stirred up some old feelings, but I would never take it there. Tamia was the woman whom I wanted to be with. If I didn’t, I would have never left a relationship to be with her.

  After Tamia showered and we had dinner, we called it a night, but not before I put that ass to sleep by banging her back out. I hopped in the shower before she awoke the next morning because I had to be at work early. I worked as a technician for Time Warner Cable, so I started in the field as early as six most mornings. Tamia’s ass ended up waking up when I turned on the water, and she joined me in the shower and we had round two.

  Chapter Four

  Jakiyah

  We were now leaving the funeral home where my sister’s funeral had been held to go to the church for the repast. My heart was heavy, and I just wanted to go back to my mom’s house, get in bed, and cry. I knew that I couldn’t go home. I needed to be there for my parents. Even though my mom was doing okay, I knew that she was just being strong for everyone else. I had to say that my sister was loved as I looked out at all the friends and family who had shown up today to pay their respects.

  As I got in the back of the limo, I tried to remember the last conversation I had had with my sister, but I couldn’t remember as the tears fell. In the past week, I must have called her phone a million times, just to hear her voice on her voice mail. No one had shown up from Andris’s family, but his mother had reached out to my mother, offering her condolences. In return, my mother had pleaded with her to tell her son to turn himself in. She insisted that her son didn’t kill Cydney, and she felt it was best that they didn’t attend the funeral. I wished I’d been home when that call came in, because I would have offered her a few choice words about her and her son.

  The limo pulled up to the church, we all got out, and I took my mother’s hand as we walked inside together, with my dad and Ty following. It felt good to see that my friend April had shown up after I told her that it was okay not to attend, given that she had the baby, but once again, she was here for me, as always. She wasn’t able to stay for the entire repast, and I understood. I hugged her and told her to call me when she landed safely. After helping my mom serve everyone, I was ready to go home, but my parents wanted to stay for prayer, so after thanking everyone for coming, I accepted Ty’s offer of German dropping us off.

  German and Ty spoke among themselves, as I was lost in my own thoughts once again. I considered whether I would return to Georgia or stay in New York. Although I did have a life in Georgia, I was feeling some kind of way about going back to that life and leaving my family again. I didn’t even realize that we had reached my parents’ place until I heard Ty calling my name and saw German staring at me from the rearview mirror.

  “Thanks,” I said as I got out of the car.

  “Call me if you need me, sis,” Ty called after me, but I didn’t answer.

  I went inside, climbed in the bed, and cried for my sister. I wished that I could tell her one last time that I loved her, and that I was sorry that she felt she couldn’t tell me what she was going through. Just as I was about to get out of my clothes and take a shower, my phone alerted me that I had a text message. I ignored it at first because today was my day of mourning, and I didn’t feel like entertaining anyone. I had to remind myself that I needed to respond to all the people who weren’t able to attend the service, and most of them had sent their condolences through social media or via text messages. I looked at the phone and saw that it was April, letting me know that she had landed and telling me to give her a call if I needed to talk. The tears started to fall again because I just felt so angry inside, and I knew that the feeling wouldn’t get any better until the man responsible for my sister’s death was six feet in the ground.

  No, it wasn’t going to bring my sister back, but knowing that he paid for what he had done to my sister would take some of my anger away. I responded to April’s text message, letting her know that I would be okay and thanking her for coming to my sister’s home going. Then I took my shower. I didn’t even know if I had the strength to watch my baby sister being put in the ground tomorrow.

  Sometimes, when you were the strong one in the family, no one thought that you needed a shoulder to cry on. I just wanted to be held and to be told that it would be okay, but I didn’t have that special someone in my life to catch me when I fell. I hadn’t dated anyone since the breakup with German. It wasn’t because I wasn’t trying to; it was just that no one measured up to him. Yes, he had cheated on me and had left me, like he had never loved me, but before this female had come into the picture, he was the perfect man for me. I guessed that I must have been lacking what he needed in his life, so he did what he felt he needed to do to have it. I just wished that if he wasn’t happy with me, we could have discussed it before he found comfort in the arms of another woman.

  My mom and dad got home soon after I showered, so I took baby Andrea from my mom to get her ready for bed. We let her stay with my grandmother’s caregiver. This woman had been caring for my grandmother for about three years, so she was considered family. We had agreed that Andrea shouldn’t go to the funeral; she was too young, anyway, so it really wasn’t a big deal that she be there. After I gave her a bottle and changed her into her nightclothes, she fell asleep, so I p
laced her in her crib. Then I went to my room, lay down, and closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself for tomorrow.

  * * *

  We arrived at the Springfield Gardens Cemetery with about fifteen cars following us. I really hadn’t expected so many people to attend the burial, but they had proven me wrong. We exited the car, then made our way over to where my sister’s final resting place would be. My uncle began handing out flowers to everyone as the pastor prepared to pray over my sister’s grave. Just as we were about to bow our heads, my eyes grew wide. I was looking at my sister’s husband, Andris, as he approached, walking toward us as if he belonged here.

  “Ty, nooo!” I yelled, stopping Andris in his tracks because I saw him reaching for something, which led me to believe he was strapped.

  Had it not been my sister’s burial, I wouldn’t have stopped him, but I couldn’t let him do that here. German told Andris to chill as my father calmly walked over to him and got in his face, but not in a threatening manner, out of respect for the pastor and the guests.

  “Andris, you need to leave.” My father spoke in an even tone, my uncles standing right beside him, probably hoping that Andris would get out of line with my father.

  My uncle Tony was nothing to fuck with, and unlike my father, he could care less about who was in attendance today. He would shoot Andris where he stood and would have his ass buried right here in the cemetery, and we all knew it. My mother put her hand on his shoulder in a calming gesture, letting him know that now wasn’t the place or time.

  “I have every right to be here, just like everyone else,” Andris said to my father, with his head down, as if he was mourning like the rest of us.