Funny Stories for Kids: Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner Read online

  “Wow! The laser swords of all the Meti Masters dad killed.”

  Nuke picked up a silver double bladed laser sword.

  R1 whistled a bit. Nuke ignored him.

  Stepping into the middle of the room, Nuke turned on both blades of the laser sword, and purple plasma blades shot out on both ends.

  “Cool…” said Nuke, smiling. He started spinning the blades around him. The effect was visually hypnotic.

  R1 whistled.

  “You’re right, R1,” said Nuke. “I should get a helmet and cover my eyes with the blast shield. It’s what Old Man Krobey would have wanted.”

  Old Man Krobey was Nuke’s first Meti Master. Krobey had once been Zader’s master. The two had fought on board the first Doom Sphere. It was then that Krobey promised Zader that if Zader killed him then Krobey would become more powerful than anyone could imagine. Then Zader cut Krobey in half.

  That was when that Nuke realized that Krobey really wasn’t a very good Meti Knight, and was probably insane, but he had taught Nuke a few useful things, and one of these was that practicing laser swords with a blast shield down was a must for any user of the fizz.

  Luckily, Nuke’s dad had a helmet with a blast shield sitting on a shelf, so Nuke grabbed it and put it on.

  “Watch this R1!” shouted Nuke. He swung the laser sword around his head once and...

  Thump

  R1 whistled a long string of noises.

  Nuke shut off the laser sword and whipped the helmet off.

  The grotesque gold pressed latinum head of Emperor Eugene was laying on the floor, cut clean of its statue body. The eyes seemed to be looking right into Nuke’s.

  R1 whistled in distress.

  “R1,” whispered Nuke nervously, “We’ve got to fix this.”

  Chapter 6

  Ridiculous Hijinks

  After flying for another fifteen minutes John had calmed down enough to park the ship in a new parking spot.

  After exiting the ship, and making the trek down the parking lot, John, Hairywonka, and TCB0 finally reached the automatic glass entrance doors to SpaceMart.

  On entering the store they saw white floors and walls, a ceiling with exposed scaffolding, and tall shelves of merchandise stood in endless rows. Hundreds of shoppers, with carts filled to the brim, were lined up at a couple dozen checkstands, manned by frazzled employees in blue vests.

  The mania of frantic pushing shoppers began almost as soon as John and the crew set foot into the store.

  “Grrrrar!” growled Hairy when a bug man shoved past him.

  “Easy, Hairy,” soothed John. The last thing they needed now was for Hairy to go nuts and start ripping people’s arms off. “Let’s just get the goods and get out of here. CB0, get these spices,” John read off ingredients from the datapad, relying on the droids mechanical mind to remember them.

  “Hairy,” John continued, “You take this list and get the potato salad and everything else. I’m going after the galactic goose.”

  Galactic goose was a staple for any special family dinner.

  "Oh my, you'd better hurry,” warned CB0, “Those sell out faster than space cakes!"

  TCB0 was probably right, John realized. Since they were expected at family dinners they would be expected for holiday dinners, and that meant that today was one of the worst days to look for one.

  “Alright, let’s go,” ordered John. “Meet back here when you’ve got the goods.”

  Hairy growled in understanding and ran into the crowd, howling. Frightened shoppers clamored to get out of his way.

  TCB0, for his part, was immediately knocked down by a disgruntled shopper.

  “This better not turn out like one of those Christmas movies,” said John, “where they have to fight other shoppers for holiday crap...”

  *****

  Nuke was eye to eye with the golden statue head of Emperor Eugene, it’s vile eyes and repulsive face so close to Nuke’s that he could kiss them if the thought hadn’t made him want to barf.

  “Ew...” moaned Nuke, “He’s really not a handsome guy. These dark fizz guys just don’t age well.”

  R1-21 whistled a few low tones. He was propped up on a chair; a special arm with a welding torch was sticking out from his trashcan body and was bonding the head back to the statue.

  “I am holding it steady,” Nuke whined back.

  After only a few minutes the droid gave one long whistle to show that he was done.

  “Alright, R1, let’s see what it looks like.”

  Nuke stepped back to eye the entire statue. The head was attached to the statue, and it looked secure, but something wasn’t right.

  Suddenly it struck Nuke what was amiss.

  “You idiot!” shouted Nuke. “It’s... backwards!”

  *****

  John weaved through the crowd, slipping around and gently pushing past people like an assassin who is learning his creed.

  “This place sure is a mess,” lamented John as he passed a turned over case of fruit. “Zader couldn’t have picked a worse day to send us out shopping.”

  People rushed past John in all different directions. Everyone kept their eyes fixed ahead, attempting to avoid all eye contact. The only interaction people had with each other was violent competition for merchandise.

  “Hey!” shouted a creature at a well dressed woman, “Watch where you’re going!”

  “That’s mine!” bellowed an aggressive droid to a small hooded creature that had lifted a box out of the man’s shopping cart.

  A furry pink alien and a hugely muscular man with an incomprehensible accent were having a tug of war over a toy super hero.

  “I can’t believe they’re already out of dried chokie,” complained one woman loudly to another.

  “I know!” answered a second.

  John avoided the chaos as best he could. Following the signs hanging from the ceiling he slowly made his way to the back of the store. Eventually John saw a special display that read ‘Get Your Goose!’

  There was only plastic wrapped goose left.

  John forced his way through the crowd, to scowls and complaints, up to the display. Jogging the last light way John scooped up the goose and laughed in triumph.

  Then the goose was jerked out of his arms.

  John looked around in surprise.

  Holding the galactic goose was an old hag in a house dress. The woman from the parking garage.

  *****

  “Okay, R1, just a precision cut,” said Nuke. He had his laser sword in hand and was making a steady cut from one side of the statue’s neck to the other. “Once we get this head back off we can glue it back on right, and no one will ever know.”

  A few moments went by, as Nuke bit his tongue in concentration.

  “And… got it!” Nuke said as he turned off his laser sword. The statue head of the emperor fell into Nuke’s waiting hands.

  Crash!

  One of the statue’s arms fell to the floor and broke into several pieces. Nuke had accidentally cut too far into the statue.

  “Oh no!” whimpered Nuke. “What am I going to do now?”

  *****

  “Hey!” John shouted at the old lady who had not only stolen his parking spot, but now had stolen the galactic goose right out of his arms. “I had that!”

  “Oh…” mocked the old lady with in a baby voice, “I had that… I berry stupid, I can’t even buy a goosey!”

  “No, look,” John shouted, pointing his finger at the woman, “I’ve had it with you, old bag.”

  The woman looked down at John’s finger and spit on it.

  John looked down at his finger in shock. He stood there, stunned, for a moment.

  The old woman strutted away with the goose held under her arm. She looked over her should, looking John in the eyes and cackling.

  A fat man with a loaded shopping cart walked in front of John, speaking loudly with a holocommunicator that was stuffed in his ear.

  “Can you believe,” shouted the irrit
ating man, “that I got the new Tripod Shuffle for only 300 credits?!”

  John was fed up. He took the cart from the man (“Hey!” he yelled) and launched the cart toward the old lady.

  The woman stopped laughing and her eyes grew wide.

  The shopping cart hit her straight on and she fell into it, dropped the goose onto the floor, and flew with the cart into a tall display of Admiral Snackbar’s cereal.

  John stood frozen for a second, surprised at what he’d done.

  "Look what that man did!” shouted a green bug eyed shopper.

  “He's so horrible!" screamed a woman with weird tails that came out of her head.

  “Get security!” demanded a wrinkly faced alien.

  The old woman flailed against the shopping cart impotently.

  "I'm gonna call my boys!” she shouted. “They're gonna get you good!"

  "I’m shaking, lady,” said John dismissively.

  "The empire's here!" shouted a customer.

  "Uh-oh,” said John. He ran over to the galactic goose, scooped it up, and started sprinted away as several white armored imperial shock troops came charging in, blasters raised.

  John found it was a lot easier to get to the front of the store than it was to get to the back as he rudely crashed into people, who screamed and ran from the imperial soldiers.

  Once John reached the checkstands he saw that Hairy was in line, his arms full of groceries.

  “Hairy!” John called as he ran past the wonka. “We gotta get out of here!”

  Hairy dropped all of the groceries and threw the shoppers around him out of the way. He quickly caught up to John’s side.

  “Where's the droid?” John shouted as they reached the store’s front doors.

  TCB0 was laying on the floor in the same spot where he first got knocked down.

  “Get up goldenrod or you're going to be a permanent customer!” shouted John as he ran past the droid.

  Hairy stooped and slung the droid under his arm as the imperial shock troopers began to shoot red plasma bolts in their direction.

  "I didn’t buy anything," the droid stated.

  John, with the galactic goose under his arm, and Hairy, carrying TCB0, ran down the parking garage as fast as they could, followed by a screaming and shooting crowd of Space Mart employees, shock troopers, and angry customers.

  John and Harry made it to the Bizarre Buzzard and ran up the ramp, shooting a few shots over their shoulders into the mob.

  Shock troopers began to set up a big blaster tripod, but they were too late, and with a flash of its blue engines the Buzzard rose up and sped out of the garage.

  Chapter 7

  Zader Needs A Hand

  “Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hm hm, hmm, hm hm,” Hummed Zader as he peeled potatoes. It was a particularly dark operatic theme that he greatly enjoyed and liked to imagine had been written just for him.

  A beeping and vibrating came from the commlink on Zader’s belt.

  "Ah,” said Zader, “that must be the emperor.” He rinsed his gloved hands and grabbed the commlink, which he dropped down the sink.

  “Blast!” swore Zader. He stuck his hand down into the sink and groped for the little phone, but he couldn’t feel it.

  “Hmm,” said Zader, “I can’t see anything.” He looked around the sink and saw a switch.

  “I’ll turn on the light,” he said. “That ought to help me see down there.”

  Zader flipped the switch with his available hand.

  GRRWHIRR, came a mechanical noise. Zader, instead of seeing a light turn on, felt sharp blades cut into his fingers, as the switch was predictably for the sink’s garbage disposal.

  Fortunately this was Zader’s right hand, which was robotic and metal. His hand had done just as much damage to the disposal as the disposal had done to his hand.

  “Double blast!” shouted Zader in rage. He tried to pull his hand out the sink but it had malfunctioned and formed into a fist. He couldn’t open up his fingers.

  "Nuke,” Zader shouted, “I need a hand!”

  "It doesn't come off,” Nuke answered back from the other side of the house. Zader had, of course, cut off Nuke’s right hand with a laser sword in a duel years before, and so father and son both had robotic right hands. “And don't come in here!" Nuke added urgently.

  “No,” replied Zader, “that’s not what I mean. Well…” he stopped to think. “That could be useful… Wait! Nuke, why can’t I go in there?!”

  Suddenly black smoke began to billow out of the oven to Zader’s left. Zader reached for it but he was stuck.

  BEEP BEEP BEEP, came the continuous alarm of one of the house’s smoke detectors.

  The back door to the house, which was in the kitchen, opened then, and Neia stepped in with her hair arranged regally and her fingernails shining.

  “Daddy, what’s going on?!” she demanded, brushing smoke away with her hands.

  Zader heard a poof noise and flames began to spray out of the oven.

  "Fire!” Zader yelled. “Fire!”

  “What?” Zader heard Nuke holler. “I’m out of here! Come on R1!”

  “No, don't run away!” Zader shouted furiously, still struggling to get his stuck hand out of the sink. “Help me put out this fire!"

  “Find the fire extinguisher!” she ordered, as she began to hurl items out of cabinets.

  R1 rolled into the kitchen, opened a compartment on the front of his robot body, and shot white fire extinguisher powder into the oven.

  “ARRRAH!” Zader howled in rage. He ripped his hand, along with the entire metal sink, out of the wall. A jet of water sprayed up to the ceiling.

  Zader looked around to see Nuke, Neia, and R1 in the smoky, wet, and burned kitchen. Neia looked ready to burst in fury.

  "What... did you do... to my kitchen?!”

  "Well, uh..." Zader stammered.

  "Everyone that can grow a mustache better leave this kitchen now!"

  Nuke scampered away.

  “Well,” said Zader slowly, “with the burns I don't think I'm capable of..." Neia looked irate.

  "Oh, ok," said Zader, getting the hint. “I’ll go now.”

  Chapter 8

  TCB0 Gives the Bizarre Buzzard a New Door

  John, Hairy, and TCB0 were again in the Bizarre Buzzard’s cockpit. Having escaped the crazed masses at SpaceMart, John had plotted an FTL jump to a nearby waystation.

  "Neia,” John said into the ship’s communication system, “let your dad know that we're gonna be back late. We got the goose but we're gonna swing by Peperoni Hutt on the way back and pick up some sides.”

  “You'd better not!” Neia shrieked back. “You've got such a big tab there that they put a bounty on your head!” John was well aware of this, of course. He had known Neia would flip out. “And there's no way you're going to serve pizza to the emperor. This is supposed to be a high class dinner! What happened to those groceries you were supposed to pick up?”

  “Oh, uh…” stammered John, “well, we had a bit of trouble…”

  “John, you go back to right now and--”

  "Sorry honey, we're getting some heat,” John interrupted, lying. “Bounty hunters. Gotta go!"

  "John--!” shrieked Neia in protest, but John cut the communicator off. He made a mental note to himself to get some new excuses, he’d used the good old ‘bounty hunter excuse’ too many times already.

  “Grrrrarhh!” Hairy rumbled.

  "Captain Solar,” said TCB0 nervously, “we are being trailed by bounty hunters!”

  “What’re you talking about?” demanded John, looking at his scopes. “You’re right, two ships…”

  Hairy growled.

  “One of them is Odo Jett,” said CB0, “the same bounty hunter who captured you at Sky Town!”

  "Odo Jett?” asked John. “Didn't he die on that desert planet?” Odo Jett was the very same bounty hunter that the manager of Peperroni Hutt had sent after John. Nuke, Neia, John’s friend Zando, and the droids had rescued John and
killed Jett, supposedly.

  Hairy began to growl and gesture an explanation for Odo Jett still being alive.

  “Uh-huh,” said John in understanding.

  Hairy growled some more.

  “Really,” said John.

  Hairy nodded and finished up his growling noises.

  “Blast!” complained John. “I thought that monster had seven stomachs?"

  Hairy shrugged and made a noise that sounded like 'I don't know.'

  The commlink on the side of the cockpit started blinking. John smacked the button and Odo Jett, wearing his trademark helmet, appeared on a small screen.

  “When my mother called me she didn't tell me it was you, Solar,” Jett said in his halting and accented voice. “I'm going to capture you again and take you to Peperoni Hutt, and then my brother and I will bring my mother home that goose you stole from her, all before dinner. Normally I’d ask if you wanted to surrender, but this time I think I’ll just shoot down you shields instead. I hope you don't lose your air.”

  Just my luck, John thought. What were the chances that this one hag in a galaxy of people would be the mother of his worst enemy?

  John flipped the commlink off without any response.

  Almost as soon as he had the Bizarre Buzzard began to shake from a continuous volley of repeating blaster fire.

  “Hairy,” John shouted, “we need time for the computer to plot the FTL jump. You fly the ship and CB0 and I will man the guns.”

  The Buzzard had two quad cannon turrets, one on the top of the ship and the other on the bottom, that had to be controlled manually.

  “Captain Solar,” began CB0, alarmed, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

  “You either get to that gun or get in the airlock!” ordered John as he ran to the back of his ship.

  *****

  TCB0 shuffled as quickly as he could to the gun turret that Captain Solar had ordered him into. It went against his programming, using a weapon. He was designed for translation and diplomatic duties, as Captain Solar very well knew, but he was also programmed to obey his masters, and this included that rogue scoundrel.