Funny Stories for Kids: Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner Read online

  “What?!” shouted Nuke, his face scrunched up in disgust.

  “You can’t be serious,” exclaimed John in disbelief.

  Zader cocked his head to the side in confusion. “But I'm on the light side now.”

  "And,” said Neia, “you can be on the light side working for the empire."

  “He can’t do that!” shouted Nuke furiously, rising to his feet. Crumbs fells off of him onto the floor.

  “Well, I admit its not ideal,” Neia said, smoothing out her fine silken dress, “but it may be the best thing for everyone.”

  “Unbelievable!” shouted Nuke as he stamped his foot.

  “Look, Daddy,” Neia continued, “instead of killing people you can put them into jail. And instead of torturing people you can give them bribes.”

  “But what about the Revolution?” asked Zader.

  “Well,” said Neia, thinking quickly, “you could just let some of our ships go every once in awhile. And if you’re going to blow up one of our planets you could give us a heads up so we can evacuate. Little things like that can make all the difference.”

  Encouraging her father to go and work for her mortal enemies went against everything Neia was fighting for, but Daddy was a wreck. He just couldn’t hang around the house like this for the rest of his life.

  “But he won't hire me again,” said Zader, rising to his feet and kicking at an empty soda can on the floor. “I threw him down a huge hole into outer space.”

  "I'm sure he won't hold that against you, Daddy,” said Neia. “Call him and invite him to dinner at the house here and we can smooth things out. I'm a diplomat. Bring him here and we'll have a negotiation under a flag of truce.”

  Zader didn’t look so sure. John was shaking his head in disbelief.

  “We'll leave politics off the table,” Neia assured him. Emperor Eugene had done bad things before but Neia was sure that even he could play fair, if it meant getting back his number one henchman. “Don't worry. He'll have such a nice time that he won't even care about your betrayal, I promise."

  “I don’t think he’s a reasonable man,” said John. “I’m pretty sure he’ll have us all killed.”

  “Yeah,” Nuke joined in, “he’s evil!”

  “If things look they’re going wrong,” said Neia, “I’m sure Daddy can just throw the emperor down a shaft again, right Daddy?”

  “Right,” said Zader. “Anything for you pumpkin.” The way Zader said this last word was frightening. The voicebox in his suit, that made everything sound so deep and intimidating, just wasn't very good at saying cute things to daughters.

  “He doesn’t even have to step foot in this house to kill us,” said John, “he can just bombard us from orbit with his starfleet.”

  “I don’t think he’ll do that,” said Zader. “His favorite timeshare is just on the other side of town. He gets to use it one whole day a year. When he gets back he’s always so happy, and I don’t think he even kills anyone. That's impressive for him.”

  “See?” Neia said to everyone in the room. “Things will be alright.”

  "Maybe you're right,” said Zader, sitting up straighter in his seat and clearing some of the cereal bits off of his suit. “I think I will call him. I’m going to get my job back!”

  Nuke was shouting and jumping up and down in protest.

  John shook his head slowly. "I have a bad feeling about this.”

  Chapter 3

  Family Meeting

  It was still dark outside, Zader noticed. The perfect time to begin.

  Zader walked quickly down the halls of the family home, his cape billowing behind him.

  “Family meeting!” he boomed in his amazingly deep and awesome voice, clashing a pot and pan for added noise. “Family meeting in the living room!”

  He burst through the door to Nuke’s room. Zader’s son was tangled up in his blankets, with dirty clothes and food wrappers littering the floor and pictures of beautiful women and the newest model landspeeders pinned to the wall.

  “Get up, Nuke! No time to waste!”

  “Huh?” asked a bleary Nuke, peering up from under his covers. “What’s going on?”

  Zader had already moved on.

  Throwing the door open he marched into John and Neia’s bedroom, the master suite, and shouted at them to come down to the living room.

  Zader heard a blaster shot as he walked back down the hall and downstairs. Opening the door to the closet under the stairway he woke up TCB0 and R1-21, Nuke’s space repair droid that looked like a garbage can on wheels.

  “Oh my,” stammered CB0, “this is most unusual!” R1-21 beeped a series of rude noises in return.

  “Family meeting!” Zader shouted in their droid faces.

  He opened up the front door then, and called “Haaaaaaaairy! Hairywooooonka!”

  In moments a gigantic hairy sasquatch creature ran out of the hut in the front yard and into the house, and began jumping around Zader playfully.

  “That’s right,” said Zader in his cutest voice, “him’s a good wonka!”

  Hairywonka was a member of the wonka species. These man-bear creatures were as intelligent as any person, three times as strong, and prone to anger, but also fiercely loyal.

  Now Zader waited, standing in the living room with his arms crossed.

  The family trudged groggily into the room one by one, the humans clad in pajamas and looking grumpy. Zader didn’t care about their irritations, the news he had for them was far too exciting to wait.

  “This had better be important,” said John, falling into his recliner chair.

  “It is most important,” said Zader.

  “What is it, Daddy?” asked Neia, yawning.

  “The emperor has agreed,” announced Zader proudly. “He's coming to dinner.”

  “WHAT?!” shouted Nuke in anger, instantly awake. “How can you invite him here after he tried to kill me!” Zader remembered Eugene shocking Nuke with his magic lightning before Zader had tossed the warlock down a gaping pit into the reactor of the Doom Sphere.

  “I can’t believe you’re really going through with it!” shouted Nuke.

  “I agree with the kid,” said John Solar, “that old man is trouble.”

  “That’s wonderful news!” said Neia. “So you called him like we talked about.”

  “And he didn’t try to kill you over call, huh?” John said, looking a bit disappointed.

  Zader hadn’t thought of this possibility. Zader had, himself, chocked people to death over a video phone call before. He shrugged it off. A larger issue occupied his mind.

  “Yes,” Zader began darkly, “and we’ve made some… arrangements.” There was more to this issue but Zader certainly wasn’t ready to let them know the full story... yet.

  “I think that’s wonderful!” said Neia, oblivious to the undertones.

  “Yes, Neia baby, it is. Further,” Zader said, “I've commissioned a special surprise for the emperor. It's in the den. No one is to go anywhere near it. It is a special present for the emperor made of gold pressed latinum.”

  John's eyes perked up. He would get excited, thought Zader. Gold pressed latinum was the most expensive substance in the galaxy. Solar would certainly love to get his hands on it.

  “Gold pressed latinum is a highly priced commodity!” declared TCB0 redundantly. “One handful could buy the entire capital planet of Metropopolis!”

  R1 beeped some noises to correct him snidely.

  “What is it Dad? Can we see it?” asked Nuke tentatively.

  “Never you mind,” said Zader. “The first person to see it must be the emperor, and it must be revealed after dinner.”

  “But,” said Nuke, “couldn’t you at least tell us what it is?”

  “No!” barked Zader. “It’s to be his special surprise.”

  “I like surprises,” said Nuke.

  “How much did it cost,” asked Neia in concern. “You don't have any money!”

  “Don't worry,” said Zader. “I'll h
ave plenty of money once I get my first paycheck from the empire.”

  “This is amazing,” said John sarcastically. “You woke us up to tell us that you sent a dinner invitation and bought a special surprise...”

  John stood up. “I’m going back to bed.”

  “No,” said Zader, rubbing his hands giddily, “I woke you up because he is coming... tonight!”

  The family mumbled to each other quickly.

  “I have made jobs for everyone,” continued Zader. “Neia, you’re going to go get your hair and nails done, and then come help me in the kitchen.”

  “But Daddy!” complained Neia. “I have work!”

  “No buts,” insisted Zader, “nothing but the best for my little girl! Then the jerk,” his pet name for John, “the annoying robot,” TCB0, “and the adorable wonka will go and get these groceries.”

  Zader handed John a datapad with a long list of items.

  “Maybe,” began John with a grin, “I should watch that gold pressed latinum instead?”

  “That’s exactly why you’re getting the groceries!” Zader snapped. “Nuke,” he continued, “and the beeping robot are going to get this house in order, it’s a disaster.”

  Zader noticed Nuke shift his eyes slyly as though making mischievous plans. Planning how to best clean the house, Zader assumed.

  “Now hurry,” said Zader, “Emperor Eugene is getting here at exactly 4:00pm!”

  “Oh, my!” shouted CB0, “Isn’t that a little early?”

  “Yes,” nodded Zader, “but he’s over one thousand years old, so he can’t digest anything after 5.”

  The family nodded in understanding.

  “Good,” said Zader. “Then we’re all in agreement. Now... get out!”

  Zader used his magic fizz powers and pushed the whole family onto the lawn. Why wait? He thought. Best to get an early start.

  “But we’re in our pajamas!” complained Neia.

  “Hey!” said Nuke indignantly. “Why am I out here?”

  “Oops!” said Zader. “I guess I got a little ahead of myself.” He let Nuke and R1-21 back into the house.

  “John and I,” said Neia, “aren’t going in public in our pajamas!”

  “Speak for yourself,” said John. He had already gone into his ship, the Bizarre Buzzard, and changed into a spare set of clothes. “Hairy,” John called, “droid, get in here. Let’s go.”

  “I am not going to the hairdresser in my pink pajamas!” shouted Neia.

  Zader grabbed a credit card that was on the counter and threw it toward Neia.

  “Here,” Zader said, “buy yourself something nice.”

  “This is my card!” shouted Neia in outrage.

  “You’re welcome,” said Zader, humming to himself for his good deed and slamming the door shut, locking the deadbolt.

  “What about my keys?!” he heard her complain. Zader ignored her.

  “Nuke,” Zader called, walking into the kitchen, “You and that droid get to work! I’m going to get started in the kitchen.”

  Zader put on an apron that said ‘Cookin’ It Up With Grandma.’ And began humming to himself.

  Everything was going according to plan.

  Chapter 4

  Today is Dark Side Friday

  I hate that metal idiot, thought John, thinking about Zader's plan. It was probably going to get everyone killed.

  John, TCB0, and hairy were in the cockpit of the Bizarre Buzzard, John’s run down but beloved smuggling freighter. They were currently at FLT speed on their way to the nearest SpaceMart, a massive retail and grocery store chain that was almost as evil as the Cosmic Empire, though at least the empire offered their employees full benefits. SpaceMart had even put some of John’s small time fences (a place that buys and then resells stolen merchandise) out of business. It was, unfortunately, the most convenient and cheap place to get the various items on Zader’s ridiculous list.

  Hairy mumbled something.

  “Yup,” said John. “We’re here.”

  John flipped up a switch and the blue and purple FTL space changed to a field of stars and a large floating space station, with a glowing blue sign showing SpaceMart’s logo. A long line of hundreds of small space ships were lined up, in queue to fly into a cavernous parking garage. Some ships were rudely cutting in front of others. The Buzzard’s communicator began to sound the noises of pilots shouting angry things to each other as they quarreled over places in line.

  “Whoa,” complained John, “what’s with all the traffic?”

  “Captain Solar,” said CB0 in his dainty voice, “today is Dark Side Friday, the day when everybody buys presents for Christmas! Every store in the galaxy is filled to the brim."

  “Great!” complained John. “Thank’s Zader, perfect timing for your stupid dinner.”

  “If I may make a suggestion,” began CB0, “it might be wise to get in line now.”

  True enough, other spacecraft were queueing into line in front of the Buzzard.

  “Looks like we don’t have much of a choice,” mumbled John, manning the controls and moving his ship into line. A ship behind him flashed its lights. John sighed. “This is gonna be rough.”

  An hour later John was furious, but he was finally in the parking garage and had an available spot ahead. John maneuvered the Buzzard and prepared to back into the spot.

  Just then a small pink shuttle flew in front of the Buzzard and stole the parking spot.

  “Rawrawr!”

  “You said it, Hairy!” John howled. “I’m going to teach this jerk a lesson.”

  Just then a ramp descended from the shuttle and a stooped old lady, wearing a housedress and clinging tightly to a large black purse, shuffled into the parking lot.

  “Look!” pointed CB0, “It's okay, she's an old lady!”

  John force himself to cool off. Maybe she hadn’t even noticed that he was pulling into that spot.

  “Waha Wah!” growled Hairy.

  “Yeah, you’re right,” said John. “She has a handicapped sticker. There's plenty of those spots open in the front.”

  John opened up a window in the cockpit.

  “Excuse me,” John called as the grey haired woman stepped past the Buzzard. She stopped and looked up. “We were going to park in that spot you’re in.”

  The lady looked at John, expressionless.

  “I noticed you’ve got a handicapped sticker,” continued John. “You could move your shuttle up to the front and park closer to the door, and then I could park here. Everybody wins.”

  The old woman repositioned her purse and raised gave John the rudest hand gesture in the galaxy.

  John and Hairy’s mouths fell open in shock.

  “How rude!” exclaimed CB0.

  “Hey!” John shouted indignantly. “That’s it.” He twisted a few dials and flipped a switch, “Hairy, I’m gonna ram her.”

  “Wa wa wa,” said Hairy, shaking his head quickly and putting all of the controls back the way they were before.

  John sighed. “You’re right, Hairy. She’s not worth another bounty.” John put his head out the window. “You hear that?” he called. “I was going to kill you but I changed my mind, because I’m a better person than you.”

  The old lady stuck her front teeth out and mimicked John talking like he was super buck toothed and stupid.

  Hairy had to take the controls.

  Chapter 5

  Nuke Acts More Juvenile Than You Can Possibly Imagine

  “Remember,” Nuke heard Zader bellow from the other room, “Don't go anywhere near my mystery present for the emperor!”

  “I won't!” answered Nuke.

  Yeah right, Nuke thought.

  Zader, Nuke’s father, was in the kitchen; cooking, supposedly. Nuke figured he was probably just making a big mess. Nuke and R1-21 had been tasked with cleaning up the house. He had told his father he was going to start cleaning in Zader’s office, which just so happened to be where Zader had put his special surprise for Emperor Eugene. br />
  The “surprise” was as tall as a person, covered in a red shroud and surrounded by a glowing blue force field.

  R1 had an appendage in the controls for the force field and was slowly attempting to bypass the controls.

  “Good,” shouted Zader. “It is for my master’s eyes only!”

  “Uh-huh,” Nuke replied in his unexplainably adolescent voice. “Wouldn’t think of peeking. Your present is safe with me!”

  Nuke turned to R1. “Yeah,” he said in quite excitement, “he’s distracted. Keep it up!”

  “Beep boo beep,” warbled R1.

  “Well then unencrypt it!” Nuke yell whispered.

  “Boo boo.”

  “Wait,” said Nuke. An idea was forming in his head. “I think I have a plan. It’s a long shot,” he said, “but if it works…”

  Nuke took his laser sword off of his belt, pointed the hilt at the force field generator, and pressed the trigger.

  The laser sword turned on with a snap-hiss, as many authors have named this sound effect, and an arm’s length of blue plasma extended from the hilt and exploded the force field generator.

  Wow, Nuke thought. It worked!

  Nuke couldn't have felt more clever than he did at this moment.

  “What was that, Nuke?” asked Zader. “Did I hear an explosion?”

  “No!” Nuke called back. “I was just talking to the robot!”

  “No distractions!” ordered Zader. “This house must be spotless when my old master arrives.”

  “Yes sir!” said Nuke.

  He sure is old, Nuke thought, giggling to himself.

  With the forcefield down Nuke ran over to the huge present and pulled off the red veil.

  “Uggh!” exclaimed Nuke.

  Unveiled was a shimmering, huge, golden statue of the Emperor Eugene, carved exactly as ancient, evil, foul, and horrible as the emperor really looked.

  “What a waste of money!” said Nuke. “Why didn’t they carve him how he looked a few hundred years ago? At least then he wouldn’t look like a monster. I think...”

  “You’d better not be messing with my present for the emperor!” shouted Zader, clanking pots in the kitchen. “And stay away from my laser sword collection! I don’t want your greasy, sticky fingers all over them!”

  “Oh,” Nuke said quietly, “I forgot about his laser sword collection.”

  Set against a wall was an armoire made of dark wood. Nuke walked up to the case and opened it slowly.

  Inside were dozens of laser swords. They were in different colors and materials, most with one blade, some with two, a few with more, one with a blaster attached, and a weird one that looked like it had some little lasers that shot out on the sides to protect your hands.