Funny Stories for Kids: Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner Read online



  Family Wars

  Episode I:

  The Forced Dinner

  Starring Dark Zader

  Written by:

  Dr. Dexter Dweezel

  &

  Parnassus Pallie, Ph.D.

  Rights

  Thank you for downloading this ebook. It is licensed for your personal use but may not be altered or redistributed. Thank you and enjoy!

  © 2015 Dweezel and Pallie eBooks

  All Rights Reserved.

  Check out other titles by the authors at www.dweezelandpallie.com

  Acknowledgments

  Cover art:

  Andrea Piera Laguzzi (an amazing artist)

  https://society6.com/andreapieralaguzzi

  https://gormlaith.deviantart.com/

  Cover fonts:

  'Dweezel and Pallie' are in Hemi Head BD IT

  'Family Wars' is in Molot

  The rest is in Aharoni Bold

  Editorial Assistance:

  Charlie Ward, author of “Frotwoot’s Faerie Tales” and “Zoey Nova”

  Millie

  Lisa

  Introduction

  (Skip If This Bores You)

  Dear Readers,

  You may be wondering what this story is, how it came to be, and why some elements of the story may seem familiar to you. I will explain this now.

  Some years ago my academic partner, Professor Parnassus Pallie, made the groundbreaking discovery of certain ancient documents, collectively called the Chintow Codices, that I, Dexter Dweezel, have had the exciting fortune of translating. They told the story of a war among the stars, of mystical, magic wielding knights, and evil villains of all sorts. I was amazed, though not entirely surprised, to find some similarity to stories that had been told in the recent past, but that many important aspects of the stories had been lost from their ancient sources.

  Therefore, Professor Pallie and I have endeavored to set the record straight, and to tell how these events among the stars really happened, in all of their ridiculousness.

  Our stories, of course, have no association with any movies or books that have muddled up this epic drama so much, though which, even so, have been so highly enjoyable.

  Sincerely Yours,

  Dr. Dexter Dweezel

  Some time ago, out among the stars...

  FAMILY WARS

  Episode I:

  The Forced Dinner

  It is a strange time for the galaxy. Lord Zader,

  once an evil and ruthless villian, has turned to

  good and is living with his family, the heroes

  responsible for destroying the Cosmic Empire's

  second DOOM SPHERE.

  Zader, trying to settle into a normal life, races

  home grumpily from his first day as a

  server at a juice stand...

  Chapter 1

  Unemployment Strikes Back

  Dark Zader, the (formerly) evil Lord of the Gith, disembarked from his space fighter and began to walk slowly up to the front door to his daughter's house. The house was positively suburban, with green aluminum siding, a white picket fence, a small hut in the front yard, perfect for a large furry animal to live in, and several space vehicles parked in the back and on the front lawn.

  Zader, who was tall, wore all black, had a menacing metal helmet, and may have been more machine than man, locked up his military space fighter with a beep and slowly trudged up the steps to the front door, letting himself inside.

  The house was decorated in an ancient style, with painted sheet rock walls instead of the more usual solid metal, wooden doors with doorknobs instead of ones that slid automatically into the wall, and a large fireplace in the living room. Zader hated the house, it wasn’t spacey enough, and too colorful, he thought, but he had moved here to be closer to his son and daughter. So far this part had worked well.

  If only everything in my life were working so well, Zader thought.

  “We got another letter from the homeowner’s association,” said Neia, Zader’s daughter and the princess leader of a band of freedom fighters who warred against the evil Cosmic Empire. She was in the kitchen and apparently hadn’t heard Zader walk through the door, she would have greeted Zader if she had. “It’s their final warning. You’ve got to get that trash hauled away or they’re going to charge us a big fine.”

  “You mean my baby?” said John Solar, a space smuggler and Neia’s husband. Zader scowled inside his mask as he continued walking. He hated Solar. He was far too much of a scoundrel for Zader’s baby girl.

  “We’ve already had this conversation,” said John. “I told them that if they’ve got a problem with the Bizarre Buzzard,” John’s run down freighter spaceship, “they can take it up with the business end of my blaster.”

  “It looks terrible,” complained Neia, “and it gets such bad space mileage. It’s just not economical. We should sell it and get a nice mini-spaceship.”

  Zader had heard this inane conversation before. John was a fool. If only he’d just get in that ship and fly away, hopefully into a sun or an explosive.

  “Her and I have been through it all,” said John. “This baby’s blown up two Doom Spheres.”

  “It only blew up one and you weren’t even there!” shouted Neia.

  “Nuke, move over,” said Zader to his son as he stepped into the living room.

  Nuke, who was also Neia’s twin, was a war hero and Meti Knight (meaning he had special magic), but he had really let himself go. He felt like he’d peeked and was now living the adolescent life that he never got to have. In a perfect illustration of this he was currently sitting on the couch watching holo TV in his underwear and eating Admiral Snackbar’s Cereal.

  “Nah… not moving,” said Nuke in his adolescent voice, flipping his messy blonde hair to the side, but not looking up.

  Zader lifted his hand and shoved Nuke forcefully off the couch using his Gith magic.

  “Hey!” whined Nuke.

  Neia stopped talking and walked into the living room as Zader threw himself face down on the couch with a loud thud.

  “Daddy, why'd you get home so early?” asked Neia sweetly. “How was your first day?”

  Zader groaned and rolled over.

  “I don't want to talk about it,” Zader pouted. “I just want to be alone."

  "He got fired again," said John dryly.

  “That’s a horrible thing to say,” scolded Neia.

  “Yeah,” added Zader, “that’s a horrible thing to say.”

  "You know, Dark,” said John, “if you want to be alone maybe you ought to get your own place.”

  "Hush up!” shouted Neia in irritation. Her demeanor lightened as she turned to Zader. “Oh, Daddy, what happened?”

  “They just hate me,” said Zader, clenching his fists, “because of my dark past.”

  "Come on, Dad,” croaked Nuke, picking himself off the floor and rubbing his butt without dignity, “What happened this time?"

  “Turns out my boss's mother lived in a retirement home on Algernon,” said Zader.

  Neia nodded sadly. Zader felt a bit bad. Zader had helped the first Doom Sphere blow up Algernon, Neia’s home planet.

  “Keep it down,” complained Nuke, bored of Zader’s answer. “I can’t hear the holo.”

  “Ignore Nuke,” consoled Neia. "At least you didn't choke anybody this time."

  “Who says I didn't choke anybody?” said Zader, briefly remembering his snot nosed boss, passed out on the floor, red faced and sputtering. He then remembered a dozen or so other choking victims.

  “Daddy, you
can’t choke your coworkers!” scolded Neia.

  “But I like choking people,” complained Zader. “That's what I loved about my last job working for the empire.”

  “He’s lost twelve jobs,” said John. “If he can't keep a job then he needs to leave.”

  “Quit it, John,” said Neia. Zader liked his daughter, she was always so supportive. What made Zader even prouder was that she was so rich.

  “The only job that I was ever good at was working for the Cosmic Empire,” Zader pouted, sitting up slowly on the couch. Nuke sat back down, next to Zader.

  “Being Evil Lord of the Gith was perfect for me!” said Zader. “I'll never find a job like that again. I had money, power, and I was good at it.”

  “You’ll find a job, Daddy,” said Neia, “You just need to keep looking.”

  “Nope,” said Zader, crossing his arms and shaking his head. “I guess I'll just never work again. Nuke,” he demanded, “pass over some of that Admiral Snackbar’s Cereal."

  Chapter 2

  Neia Gets into a Dogfight

  Neia, dressed in white, stood up from her leather office chair, looked at her desk, which was strewn with documents and maps, and began to collect up some of her most important holo pads. She stuffed them into her briefcase, grabbed some others into her available hand, and slung her purse over her shoulder.

  For the last week Neia had been dealing with the fallout of the Revolution’s defeat at Orn Mastil. The planet had housed a large supply base, but when the Cosmic Empire found its location they had bombarded the planet and invaded the base.

  The result for Neia was paperwork, and lots of it. Where should the Revolution reposition the escaped soldiers? Where should they send the salvaged supplies? How would the soldiers fighting in the Thule Sector obtain the food, fuel, and munitions that they used to get from the Orn Mastil base? These were questions that somebody had to answer, and Neia, as one of the Revolution’s most senior leaders, had found herself giving most of the answers.

  Neia stepped out of her office and toward her secretary’s desk, handing him a fistful of datapads. Her secretary, Canderous Onasi, was a young man with clean cut hair and bulging muscles that showed through his uniform.

  “Get these to General Sniken,” Neia ordered, “they’re stolen plans for the Empire’s new fly fighter.”

  “A fly fighter?” asked the secretary incredulously. “You can’t be serious.”

  “I am,” said Neia. “They’ll be far more powerful than their older fighters.”

  The secretary took the documents.

  “I’m exhausted,” Neia said. “I’m leaving for the night.”

  “You know ma’am,” began the secretary, “you really should leave at five. You’ve got a family!”

  “No no,” sighed Neia, “I’ve got a revolution to run. I’ve got people to recruit, planets to save, and an empire to defeat.”

  “But you need to take care of yourself,” said Canderous, smiling sympathetically.

  “I’ll have plenty of time to do that when I’m dead…” said Neia, shaking her head.

  “Well, take care, princess.”

  Neia was almost ready to leave when she remembered that she’d brought her droid to work with her.

  “Alright, CB0,” called Neia, “let’s go!”

  “Oh my!” Neia heard TCB0 shout in dismay. TCB0 was a golden man-shaped robot that spoke in a prissy voice and was almost useless, though Neia found his translating abilities helpful at times.

  “What a mess I’ve made!” TCB0 said to a frustrated woman in a back cubicle. Her desk was strewn with holo pads and papers and TCB0 seemed to be shuffling them arbitrarily. He also had several post-it notes with the word ‘urgent’ stuck to his metal body.

  “CB0!” yelled Neia.

  “Coming Mistress Neia!” called the robot in return. Neia watched him shuffle slowly down the hall before finally making his way into the turbolift. She pressed the button for the ship’s hangar and felt her stomach drop as the elevator shot down, then sideways toward their destination.

  Things had been generally hectic for the Revolution since the destruction of the second Doom Sphere. Emperor Eugene, the evil sorcerer king of the entire galaxy, had been on that massive space station when the Revolution attacked and destroyed it. It seemed certain that the Eugene had died then. Many star systems had parties and pledged themselves to building a new Stellar Democracy, but when the emperor returned he bribed and destroyed enough planets that most of the galaxy had changed their minds and joined up with the Stellar Empire again. For now the Revolution was continuing the good fight, and was being commanded from space ships that could evade the powerful imperial fleet on short notice.

  The ship that Neia worked aboard was called the Liberty Now, a large, ugly ship that had been built by a group of strange fish people, including their most famous member, Admiral Snackbar, who commanded this ship. (Admiral Snackbar had, of course, sold out and signed a contract to be the face of a cheap and sugary brand of cereal. He was fond of telling his fellow rebels how rich he was.)

  The turbolift doors opened and Neia stepped into the hangar, a vast bay filled with various types of space fighters, bombers, transports, shuttles, landers, and other miscellaneous craft.

  In the front, in special VIP parking, was Neia’s sporty purple space car.

  “Good night, Princess,” said a uniformed deck officer.

  “Good night,” she replied offhandedly. Using a button in her purse she opened the doors to her car, threw her things in, and sat down in the pilot’s seat.

  As soon as TCB0 had sat/fallen into the passenger seat she had started up the car, pulled away, and set up a conference call with a Revolutionary general.

  Not even out of hangar and I’m already working some more, she thought to herself. It never ended.

  “Yes,” Neia heard herself saying, flying her space car through deep space to a navigational point that was ideal for plotting an FTL (faster than light) jump. “We have to supply the Braga system with weapons, they need all the support we can give them. They have to overthrow governor Snodgrass, he’s the key to liberating that sector.”

  Suddenly Neia noticed two triangular star battleships which were moving to intercept her.

  “Oh, blast...” said Neia tiredly, “its another blockade. General, I’ll have to call you back later.”

  “Revolution ship,” came a measured voice over the communicator, “power down and prepare to be boarded.”

  “I’m so sick of this crap!” complained Neia. She pressed a few buttons to alert the Revolutionary fleet, saw that they had already flown the coop, (nice warning, guys, she thought), and then steered her car away from the incoming ships.

  “Oh no, Mistress Neia,” said CB0 in dread, “they’re sending out fighters!”

  “Well,” said Neia, “I’ll just have to do some fancy flying. Spinning’s a good trick.”

  Neia sent her little space car into a nosedive.

  The enemy fighters closed in fast and shot brights sprays of turbocharged plasma.

  Neia's ship jolted as shots spread through her car's shields.

  “Ahhh!” CB0 screamed and flailed his arms hysterically.

  Neia made a quick turn to avoid some incoming blaster fire.

  “We’re doomed princess,” moaned TCB0, “doomed!”

  “Shut up, CB0! Make the FTL jump!” No one could track a ship once it had jumped to FTL space, making it the perfect escape in any situation. It did, however, take some time and a large ship could catch a smaller ship with a tractor beam.

  “I’m trying, but my fingers are so inarticulate,” said the droid, clumsily smacking buttons. “I don’t have the dexterity for it.”

  “Fine,” said Neia, rolling her eyes in irritation. “I’ll do it.”

  Neia punched in a series of commands, then pulled a lever to make the jump. The stars in space streaked across the sky in long lines, and then were replaced by blue and purple mottling. The colors of FTL.


  They had escaped.

  *****

  Sometime later Neia landed her spacecar on the landing pad behind her house. It was dark outside. Lights glowed through the house windows and, judging from all of the space ships, it looked like everyone was home. Including Daddy.

  Neia sighed. It had been so hard for Daddy ever since he’d changed from the dark side of the fizz to the light side.

  The fizz was the magic force that gave the good Meti Knights and evil Gith Lords their power. When Zader had switched sides he had lost his position as number two man in the Cosmic Empire. He went from commanding fleets, living in castles, and choking and slicing whoever he pleased, to crashing with Neia and her husband in their spare bedroom. Zader was trying so hard to leave his evil ways behind him but he still had so many bad habits. It made fitting in with the good guys very difficult, maybe impossible.

  With these thoughts in mind Neia was shocked at what greeted her once she stepped into the living room.

  John was sitting on his comfortable recliner, which was fine, and Neia’s brother Nuke was sitting in his underwear on the couch eating Admiral Snackbar cereal, which was a frightening decline from his former glory, but usual these days, but Zader was almost making him look good by comparison. Zader had removed much of the leather coverings that enclosed his half man, half mechanical body and was sitting with Nuke on the couch in whatever you could call his underwear. His suit's wires stuck out frighteningly, with strange flashing lights and whirring motots, along side Zader’s remaining scarred white skin. Zader, of course, still had his helmet on as he needed that to breathe, but he was holding a bowl of cereal in his hand and had slopped milk dangerously onto his suit, which was sparking a bit.

  "That's it!” shouted Neia in rage, throwing her things onto the floor. Nuke and Zader jumped and turned around to look at her.

  “That's enough!” yelled Neia. “Daddy, you're setting a terrible example for your son!” Nuke and Zader looked at each other. “This just isn’t working. You've got to go back to the emperor and get your job back."