The Look of Love Read online

  “Not if I have my way!”

  Louise was suddenly side-tracked by Dayna’s remark. “Are you still chasing Sal?”

  “Yeah!” Dayna replied eagerly.

  “But what about Sam?”

  “I won’t tell her if you don’t!”

  “You two-timing bitch! You’re like a rabbit on steroids!”

  “And you’re a chicken on valium! Get your hair cut and come out with me and Sam! Come on! You’ll love it, I promise you, you will!”

  Dayna sounded very encouraging, but Louise still wasn’t interested. “I am not getting my hair cut!” she insisted. “And if I went out on the tiles with you, I’d probably wake up in bed with you!”

  Dayna smiled. “Well, you are a babe!”

  Louise was reminded of Zach. “That’s what he called me and Victoria. Babes. It’s very demeaning.”

  “He’s a man. Everything they say to women is demeaning!”

  They both laughed.

  There was a rattle at the door, and Sam came in. “Kick out whoever you’ve got in our bed, I’m home!” she called out from the hallway.

  Louise laughed again.

  Dayna smiled at her, mouthed, “She knows me too well!” and then called out to Sam, “It’s Lu, we’re both in the lounge, and we’re disappointingly decent!”

  Sam came in. “Hiya, Lu!” she said. She had been shopping, and put down her bags of groceries in the doorway. She was two years older than Dayna, tall and very slim. She took off her coat revealing a woolly jumper and jeans. Like Dayna, she had short cropped hair. As she went back into the hall to hang her coat up, Dayna stood up and went to meet her. She was about a foot shorter than Sam. They embraced and kissed very affectionately.

  Sam smiled at Dayna. “So, have you been good today?”

  “You’ll be pleased to know that I haven’t slept with a single other person.”

  They both came back into the lounge and Sam winked at Louise as she said to Dayna, “All turned you down, did they?”

  Dayna made a face. “Rotter!”

  They both laughed and kissed again. Louise felt jealous just watching them. For all her philandering ways, Dayna had been with Sam for nearly two years. That was probably due more to Sam’s forgiving nature than to Dayna’s failed attempts at fidelity. None-the-less, the two of them were still together. Whatever they had, it worked.

  Dayna helped Sam to carry the shopping bags into the kitchen. Louise got up and followed them. She leaned against the door, sipped her coffee, and watched them as they began to unpack the bags and store everything away. Sam glanced at her and smiled.

  “How are you getting on?”

  “Alright,” Louise replied.

  “Have you come out at Uni yet?” The question came out of the blue, and Dayna looked closely at Louise when Sam asked it.

  Louise immediately looked defensive. “No, I haven’t seen any reason to.”

  “What about your friends? Haven’t you told any of them yet?”

  Louise shook her head.

  “You are a coward, Lu!”

  “I am not! I don’t see why I have to proclaim my sexuality to all and sundry just because I’m a lesbian! Straights don’t have to tell everybody they’re straight! Why do I have to go round saying, ‘Hello, my name’s Louise, I’m a lesbian.’ It’s not fair, and it’s sexist!”

  Dayna held up her finger as she replied, “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.”

  Louise made a face. “Smart arse!”

  “You’re just ashamed of admitting it,” Dayna said. She wasn’t joking anymore.

  “Why are you pressuring me?” Louise said in anguish. “It’s my choice! Leave me alone!” She went back into the lounge and threw herself down on the sofa, hugging her coffee mug.

  Sam put down the cans she was holding and sighed. She gave Dayna a glance that said, “Stay here,” and went back into the lounge after Louise. Louise looked really depressed. Sam sat down next to her on the sofa, and pulling her close, she hugged her. Louise rested her head on Sam’s shoulder, and Sam stroked her hair.

  “Look, Lu,” Sam said as softly as she could. “Dayna’s right, you’ll have to tell people. If they can’t accept it, then screw them! That neighbour of yours knows; she’s alright about it. If your friends at Uni are real friends, then they’ll be alright about it too. And you owe them the chance to prove it. So stop being a coward, and stop being ashamed of it. It’s an insult to all of us you know. It’s as if we have something to be ashamed of, and we don’t. So get on with it. Or I’ll put it on the Internet.”

  Louise was feeling so guilty that Sam’s threat took a few moments to filter through. Then Louise looked up in horror. “You wouldn’t!”

  “Oh, Lu! You really are a scaredy-cat!”

  Louise looked annoyed at being so easily taken in. “I am not! And I wouldn’t put it past you to do such a thing!”

  “At least it would be out in the open.”

  “But it’s my decision if I want to tell my friends at Uni!”

  “Then tell them!”

  Louise didn’t reply. She stared down at her coffee. She still looked depressed and she was becoming tearful.

  Sam continued to stroke Louise’s hair. She could see that there was more to Louise’s depression than just the argument of coming out or not. “Come on, what’s the matter? Tell your Auntie Sam.”

  Dayna came back out of the kitchen and sat down opposite them. She put out her cigarette and said to Louise, “Tell Sam about Victoria.”

  Sam glanced at Dayna before looking closely at Louise. “Is that it?” she asked her. “Is it about this girl?”

  Louise nodded. “I met her at Uni,” she said in a subdued voice. “I really like her, Sam. You have to see her. She’s gorgeous!”

  Sam smiled at her. Then Dayna dropped the bomb-shell.

  “But she’s straight!” she pointed out.

  Sam stared at the ceiling and sighed again. “Oh, Lu!” she exclaimed. “You are you’re own worst enemy! You always have to reach for the impossible, don’t you? Me and Dayna have introduced you to lots of girls, and you’re never interested. But as soon as some high-heeled bimbo type passes your way, you swoon!”

  Dayna said, “I told her it was a fantasy!”

  Louise quickly looked up. “It’s not a fantasy!”

  “It is!” Dayna insisted. “They aren’t like us and it’s not going to happen!”

  “Becky’s like that! You said yourself she was a babe!” Louise could have bitten her tongue off as soon as she spoke.

  Sam glanced at Dayna with a knowing look. “Oh, she is, is she?”

  Dayna quickly dismissed it. “So I’ve looked and noticed, so what? You know me, Sam. Anyway, she is a babe. And if she and Sal break up, Louise can have a try! That’s what I told her before!”

  Sam laughed. “They won’t break up. I already knew that you were interested in Sal. Like you said, I know you. But you haven’t got a chance, Dayna! Becky and Sal are a great couple. They deserve to be together. And if you even try and split them up, I’ll have you neutered!”

  Dayna didn’t look like the threat would put her off for an instant, but she said in a very pious voice, “As if I would do such a thing.”

  “Ha!”

  Louise was staring into her coffee mug when she suddenly said, “Sal’s exactly like me, and now that she’s found Becky, she’s very much in love with her. Every time I see them together I’m terribly jealous. Not because I want to steal Becky away from her, but because I want to have what she has. I want someone like Becky. I know I’m being a fool, but I can’t help it. It’s the way I am.”

  There was a brief silence as Sam and Dayna exchanged glances. Then Dayna said, “I still think you’re wasting your time.”

  “But I don’t know that!” Louise exclaimed. “And I’ve got to try, haven’t I? If I don’t, I’ll always hate myself!”

  Sam kicked Dayna, producing a satisfying yelp. Then she said to Louise, “Never mind what Dayn
a says. If you like this girl, then ask her. But if you’re going to do it, do it as yourself. And tell your friends first. That way if this girl should turn you down, at least you’ll know that that’s the worst thing she can do. Okay?”

  Louise nodded. “Okay.”

  Chapter Five

  Friday

  When Victoria didn’t turn up for the next morning’s class, Louise became very depressed. Angela couldn’t fail to notice.

  “It’s that git, Zach,” she told Louise. “I don’t know what she sees in him. But whenever he turns up, she always ends up in some sort of trouble. I wish she’d drop him.”

  “But if she keeps missing lectures like this, she’ll fail the course,” Louise said in dismay. What she really wanted to say was that she would like Zach to be dropped from a great height over a shark infested sea, but she didn’t.

  “I know. That’s why Chrissy and I are going to go round to her flat in the halls of residence this dinner time. Just to see if anything’s wrong. Do you want to come?”

  Louise was suddenly filled with wild thoughts. “Yes, I’ll come with you,” she said anxiously. “If that’s alright with Chrissy.”

  “Chrissy won’t mind. She needs all the help she can get.”

  Angela was right. Chrissy just smiled when she told her that Louise was coming too. “You’ll wish you hadn’t,” she said.

  Louise didn’t realise exactly what she meant until they got to Victoria’s flat. By then she was full of foreboding. Victoria was in, because they could hear her moaning, but she wouldn’t, or couldn’t open the door. Chrissy had to get a warden to bring a key. When they finally got inside, Louise was deeply shocked at what she saw.

  Victoria was lying on the floor in some sort of drug, or alcohol induced stupor. She was hardly conscious, and she was dirty and smelly. At some point she had urinated on herself, and she was covered in dried vomit. The whole room stank, and there were empty half bottles of vodka littered all around.

  The warden wanted to get a doctor. “No, it’s alright,” Chrissy told him. “We’ll clean her and the room up. I’ve done this before. She’ll be fine, don’t worry.” As he beat a hasty retreat, Chrissy started to pick Victoria up and drag her towards the bathroom. “Angie, open all the windows. Louise, stop standing about gawping and help me get her into the shower.”

  The three of them held Victoria under the cold running water, clothes and all. As Victoria slowly began to revive, Angela said sarcastically to Louise, “Aren’t you glad you came?”

  Louise could only smile weakly as she held on to Victoria’s arm and squinted in the cold spray. She was glad she came. But she was also very sad. “What’s the matter with her?” she asked.

  “Too much booze,” Chrissy replied. “She does this all the time. It’s a real pain in the arse. Let’s get these clothes off her.”

  By now, Victoria was almost fully awake. She began coughing and spitting, and when Chrissy pulled her jeans down started to resist. She struggled harder as Chrissy began to pull her sweat-shirt over her head. As her struggles persisted, Chrissy began to slap her.

  “Pack it in you daft cow!” she said in a harsh voice. “Or we’ll drop you in the bath and let you drown! I’m sick of having to clean you up all the time! Jo didn’t even want to come!”

  “Alright! Alright!” Victoria managed to reply, fending off Chrissy’s blows. “I’m cold!”

  Chrissy relented. “Turn the hot water on, Louise. Angie, get some towels.”

  Louise turned the hot water on, mesmerised by the sight of Victoria’s naked body in the shower, her clothes and underwear down by her feet.

  When Angela returned with some towels, Chrissy gave one to Louise. Victoria reached out for one, but Chrissy slapped her again, thrust a bottle of shower-gel into her hand and said, “You don’t come out of there until we can’t smell you coming!” Then Chrissy swept the shower curtain closed. “Come on, you two. We’ve got a room to clean up.”

  By the time Victoria emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a bathrobe, they were finished. They were all three sat on her chairs exhausted. They had cleaned practically everything in the room. And now they stared at her expectantly. Victoria looked very sheepish as she sat down on the side of her bed. Her feet were bare, and she said, “The carpet’s damp.”

  Angela said, “Be thankful it’s only water.”

  Chrissy was angry. “Is that all the thanks we get?” she shouted at Victoria. “Louise here hardly knows you, and she’s been cleaning your shit up from off the floor! And that’s all you can say? ‘The carpet’s wet’?”

  Victoria put her hands over her ears. “Don’t shout! I’ve got a headache!”

  “You are a bloody headache!”

  “Alright! I’m sorry!” Victoria’s face suddenly screwed up and she began to cry. “I don’t know why I do it!” she wailed. “I can’t help it! Don’t shout at me, Chrissy! You always shout at me!”

  Louise couldn’t resist. She went to her side and put her arm around her, and Victoria immediately rested her head on Louise’s shoulder. “It’s alright,” Louise said comfortingly. “Don’t cry.” She began to stroke Victoria’s damp hair.

  Chrissy shook her head in dismay. “Oh, no you don’t,” she said, getting up. “You’re not getting away with it that easy. Give me a hand, Angie!” She and Angela quickly went over to them both and dragged Louise away from Victoria. “Come on, you, let’s get back to class.”

  “But we can’t just leave her!” Louise protested.

  “Oh, yes we can! It’s the best thing for her, and for you! If we left you here, she’d have you cooking her dinner and her breakfast!”

  Louise wanted to say that she wouldn’t mind, that she would be happy to stay here with Victoria and do just that. But all she could do was look over her shoulder as Angela and Chrissy shoved her out the door.

  “As for you,” Chrissy called back through the door. “If you’re not dressed and in class this afternoon, I’ll tell the lecturer that you’ve dropped out! So be there!”

  “Yes, mother!” Victoria called back, and before the door closed, Louise saw that mischievous grin once again.

  On the way back to the University, Louise learned from Chrissy that Victoria often got into a far worse state than what she had witnessed today. And contrary to what Angela had said, it wasn’t always to do with Zach.

  “Basically, Vicky doesn’t give a shit,” Chrissy told her. “That’s why she’s always getting into fights and getting drunk.”

  “But its Zach’s fault,” Angela insisted. “He eggs her on, and he gets her the booze. He likes getting her drunk.”

  “It’s not that simple, Angie. Vicky started hitting the booze a long time before she met Zach. It got worse after her father died. You hardly knew her then. But I agree; Zach doesn’t help.”

  Louise was terribly curious. “But she was fine at school?” she asked.

  Chrissy shook her head. “Not near the end. She was already on the way down even then. She used to be great fun, but not any more. She never knows when to stop, and she keeps getting worse and worse. She better be alright when we go out tonight. This is the third time I’ve had to clean her up like that. One of these days she’ll choke to death and do us all a favour.”

  Louise was surprised by her callousness. “I thought she was your friend. She told me you and her were very close.”

  “We are. I’ve known her since infant’s school, I grew up with her, and I worry about her. But there’s only so many times you can clean someone’s arse before the friendship begins to wear thin. Especially when they don’t appreciate it. You’ll see what I mean this afternoon. Vicky will turn up, bright and breezy, as if nothing had happened.”

  Louise began to realise that there was far more to Chrissy than just a girl who liked to go out clubbing. She had hardly known anything about her before, and her relationship with Victoria was very interesting.

  “You must like Victoria a lot.”

  “Not as much as I used to.
” Chrissy then gave Louise a stern look. “Listen, Louise, I hardly know you, but you seem okay, so I’m giving you a friendly warning. Don’t get drawn in by Vicky. She’s a user. You’re too soft, you won’t be able to stand it, and she’ll squish you. Okay?”

  The warning was totally unexpected, and Louise felt her face going red. “Okay,” she managed to say in a weak voice.

  Chrissy went off to meet Jo and collect her things after that, and Louise was left in a whirl of emotions. As she and Angela walked towards their lockers to get their bags, Louise turned to her.

  “Do you think I should stay away from Victoria, too?” she asked Angela.

  “No!” Angela replied firmly. “If you ask me, Tori would be far better off with a friend like you than she is with that scumbag, Zach! So don’t listen to Chrissy. Tori needs someone sensible for a friend, so if you want to be friends with her, you go get her. But being friends with her won’t be easy! Like Chrissy said, if you’re not careful, Tori will have you making her breakfast each morning!”

  As they recovered their bags from their lockers and headed back to class, Louise looked closely at Angela. Some of the things she had said could have had more than one meaning. Did she know? But how could she know? Was it that obvious? Louise thought about what Sam had told her. But even the thought of telling Angela made her feel ashamed. She quickly shrugged the feeling off. Sam was right; there was no reason to feel that way. Angela was her best friend at Uni; she had a right to know. And if she was a true friend, she would be alright about it. Like Sam had said, it wasn’t fair keeping it from her. But was now the right time to tell her?

  While Louise was confused about whether or not to tell Angela, the moment passed, and it was too late. They had reached the class and Jo and Chrissy were already there. They started to chat with Angela, and a moment later everyone else started to turn up for the afternoon class. And right on cue, just as the lecturer had started talking, Victoria turned up.

  Louise stared at her in surprise. She was wearing a far less tatty and much cleaner pair of jeans, and a Calvin Klein tee-shirt that had absolutely no extra holes. Her blonde hair was all fluffy and shiny, and fell over her shoulders like a mane. She was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and as Louise stared at her, Victoria gave her that grin, and winked.