Laugh Yourself Healthy Read online

  • I don’t eat snails; I prefer fast food.

  • I’m a driver cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. Please honk if anything falls off.

  • Life not only begins at forty; it also begins to show.

  • Old skiers never die; they just go downhill.

  CHURCH BULLETIN FUNNIES

  “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”

  Church marquee

  • Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

  • Under same management for thousands of years.

  Church bulletin bloopers

  • Ushers will eat latecomers.

  • Miss Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  • The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

  DID YOU KNOW?

  Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

  A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

  Over 75 percent of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

  Life’s little reminders

  Life is like a mirror; we get the best results when we smile at it.

  Birthdays are good for you—the more you have, the longer you live.

  How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

  Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?

  A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

  I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

  Thoughts

  Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

  I just received a new state quarter. It’s two dimes and a nickel taped together.

  Last night I dreamed I was a muffler—I woke up exhausted!

  If Cain and Abel were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

  On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was . . . surrounded by trees and bushes.

  The trouble with being a leader today is that you can’t be sure whether people are following you or chasing you.

  Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

  “We may be lost,” the husband said to his wife, “but at least we’re making good time.”

  Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?

  Inserts

  If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

  Never pick a quarrel, even when it’s ripe.

  Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed?

  When I sing, people clap their hands—over their ears.

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

  • Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

  • This sign was posted in a Grand Rapids furniture store:

  • “Try Our Easy Payment Plan—100% Down—Nothing Else to Pay.”

  Want a surefire way to get your kids to play with their old toys? Have a garage sale.

  CONSIDERATIONS

  • Why don’t we get goose bumps on our faces?

  • The only place you can find success before work is in the dictionary.

  You know it’s going to be a bad day when . . .

  • You call suicide prevention, and they put you on hold.

  • You turn on the news, and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

  • Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

  • Your income tax check bounces.

  • You put both contacts in one eye.

  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

  Weird things you’d never know

  • Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

  • Women blink nearly twice as often as men.

  • A dentist invented the electric chair.

  • All polar bears are left-handed.

  • A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

  • Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

  Dilbert’s Rule of Order

  When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

  Bits and pieces

  • Middle age: When actions creak louder than words.

  • Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

  FUNNY QUOTES

  “If Noah had been wise, he’d have swatted those two flies.”—Helen Castle

  There are two ways to reach the top of an oak tree—you can climb it, or you can sit on an acorn and wait.

  The real art of a conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

  The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.

  ONLY IN AMERICA

  • . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

  • . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

  • . . . do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

  • . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

  • . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

  • . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

  Thoughts

  A sign under a mounted fish: “If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn’t be here.”

  Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

  Spotted on the back window of a small car being pulled by a motor home: “I go where I’m towed.”

  Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

  Simple rule

  Don’t throw bricks straight up.

  RIDDLES

  Q: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

  A: Hop on in.

  This and that

  How come wrong numbers are never busy?

  Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

  A: They all have phones.

  Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?

  A: To get to the Shell station.

  Q: What is a small joke called?

  A: A mini-Ha!-Ha!

  Q: What did one hair say to the other?

  A: It takes two to tangle.

  Q: What did the sea say to the sand?

  A: Not a thing; it just waves.

  Q: What makes a tree so noisy?

  A: Its bark.

  The meek shall inherit the earth—after we’re through with it, of course.

  Ever notice that a human baby doesn’t walk until it’s tall enough to reach a parent’s hand?

  DID YOU KNOW . . .

  It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

  THOUGHTS

  The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need to be mowed.

  Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year-students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”

  GEOGRAPHY TEACHER: Who can describe the English Channel?

  STUDENT: We don’t get that channel on our TV.

  All things being equal, big people use more soap.

  By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

  Facts of life

  • You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

  • God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

  • Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

  • Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get ou
t, but he or she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

  It’s so hot in Texas that . . .

  • The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

  • Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.

  Printed on the back of a leather jacket worn by a motorcyclist: “If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off.”

  If you want the world to beat a path to your door, try taking a nap on Saturday afternoon.

  Faith Statement: Speaking of ailments, don’t!

  The equator is an imaginary lion running around the world.

  six

  JOKE THEOLOGY 101

  LIVING IN FAITH

  My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well known for her faith and her lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and yell, “Praise the Lord!”

  Her next-door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no God!” During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

  The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!”

  The neighbor then stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I bought those groceries, and there ain’t no God.”

  Grandmother replied, “Lord, You not only sent me food, but You made the devil pay for it.”

  Take me out to the ball game.

  Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans ever. For their entire adult lives, they discussed baseball history in the winter and pored over every box score during the season. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice. “Bob, is that you?” asked Earl.

  “Of course it’s me.”

  Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

  “Well, I have good news and bad news,” said Bob. “The good news is there’s baseball in heaven.”

  “And the bad news?” asked Earl.

  “Tomorrow night, Earl, you’re pitching.”

  Ad-libbing

  A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, “I descend into hell!”

  A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the door would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. One night the usual actor fell ill, and the substitute was quite overweight. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell,” he became stuck in the trap door. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony yelled, “Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

  A modern-day scientist was conversing with God and told Him blatantly, “You know, God, we can transplant just about every organ; we can replace arms and legs and so forth. It seems to me we just don’t need You anymore, God.”

  God, in His quiet way, replied, “Well, you think not, huh? Let’s just have a contest and make a man.”

  “OK.” And the scientist enthusiastically reached down and grabbed up a handful of dirt.

  “Oh, no,” God stopped him in midair. “Get your own dirt!”

  Practical lad

  A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy. I’m under five.”

  As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, “What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created.” Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a seven-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path toward him.

  The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast. He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him. The atheist screamed, “Oh, my God!”

  Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, “You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

  The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could You perhaps make the bear a Christian?”

  “Very well,” the voice said. The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head, and spoke: “Lord, for this food that I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

  One of life’s lessons

  While preaching about forgiving one’s enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lecture and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.

  “Mr. Jones,” asked the minister, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

  “I don’t have any.”

  “Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are eighty-six years old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”

  Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “It’s easy. I’ve outlived every one of them.”

  Prayers not answered

  Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to say their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying.

  Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”

  Address error

  Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

  Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, screamed, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

  At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: “Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

  This and that

  My therapist insists that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake—I feel better already.

  Why is that when you talk to God you’re praying, but when He talks to you, you’re crazy?

  Just checking

  A five-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank You for these pancakes.”

  When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.

  He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if He was paying attention tonight.”

  The two men were adrift in an open boat, and it looked
bad for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray. “O Lord,” he prayed, “I’ve broken most of Thy commandments. I’ve been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I’ll promise never again . . . ”

  “Wait a minute, Jack,” said his friend. “Don’t go too far. I think I see a sail.”

  Spendthrifts

  A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian’s world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?”

  “Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn’t afford anything better.”

  Said the boy, “Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”

  The VIP

  The pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the pope took the wheel.

  The pope proceeded to hop on I-95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He got to about ninety miles per hour and WHAM!

  There were the blue lights of the friendly state patrol in his mirror. The pope pulled over, and the trooper came to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, said, “Just a minute, please. I need to call in.”

  The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, “I’ve got a VERY important person pulled over, and I need to know what you want me to do.”