Laugh Yourself Healthy Read online

  The man stopped and asked, “Did you lose a shoe?”

  “Nope,” replied the boy, “found one.”

  Remedy

  Billie Jean went into the grocery store and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. “I have a skin problem, and the doctor prescribed a milk bath.”

  The clerk asked, “Pasteurized?”

  “No, just up to my chin.”

  Quickies

  • Women should not have children after thirty-five. Really, thirty-five children are enough!

  • I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

  Parental wisdom

  When you have three young boys, it’s hard to know who to blame if something goes wrong in the house. One father explained to a friend how he solved the problem: “I send all three to bed without letting them watch television. In the morning, I go after the one with the black eye!”

  Kids

  A four-year-old came in to the dentist for his first checkup. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation. “How old are you?” he asked.

  Immediately four small fingers went up. Smiling, the dentist asked, “Can’t you talk?”

  The solemn little patient asked, “Why, can’t you count?”

  Kids’ lyrics

  • “God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!”

  • “O Susanna, O don’t you cry for me; for I come from Alabama with a Band-Aid on my knee!”

  • “Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the whole East Coast.”

  • “We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.”

  Modern convenience

  When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left his house. “Is that your grandmother?” I asked.

  “Yes. She came to visit us for the holidays.”

  “How nice. Where does she live?”

  “At the airport,” Chris answered. “Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her.”

  Photographers

  Two weeks after my one-year-old’s photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in.

  Finally, after we’d seen all twenty poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.

  “None,” I replied. “That isn’t my child.”

  One way

  A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. “Lady, we’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone, and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”

  “My goodness,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?”

  “Our babysitter’s boyfriend.”

  Childbirth knowledge

  Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

  A: Childbirth.

  Those who say they “sleep like a baby” don’t have one.

  The duel

  A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

  “Well, Dad,” said the boy, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

  “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

  “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his big sister!”

  A little boy kept looking at the rack of greeting cards. The clerk asked if she could help him—birthday? Illness? Wedding?

  The boy shook his head no and answered wistfully, “Got anything in the line of blank report cards?”

  A small boy in a department store was standing near the escalator, watching the moving handrail.

  “Something wrong, son?” inquired a floorwalker.

  “Nope,” replied the boy. “Just waiting for my chewing gum to come back.”

  A boy walked up to the box office at a movie theater one Wednesday afternoon at one o’clock and handed the cashier the money for a ticket.

  “It’s only one o’clock,” she said to him as she handed over a ticket. “Why aren’t you in school?”

  “Oh, it’s all right,” he said. “I’ve got the measles.”

  Turnabout

  It was a hectic day of running errands for a father, mother, and son. As if the stress weren’t enough, four-year-old Chris insisted on asking questions about everything. He told his mother how to drive; he sang every song he knew. Finally, fed up with his incessant chatter, the dad made him an offer, “Christopher, if you’ll be quiet just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.”

  It worked. But when the family stopped for lunch, the dad unknowingly began to harp on his son. “Christopher, sit up straight . . . don’t spill your drink . . . don’t talk with your mouth full.”

  Finally Christopher looked at his father and said, “Dad, if you’ll be quiet just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.”

  Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

  The oldest spoke first and said in a loud voice, “My dad’s so fast he can shoot an arrow and get to the target before the arrow does!”

  “That’s nothing!” said the second boy in an even louder voice, “My dad’s so fast he can shoot a deer at five hundred yards and get to that deer before it falls!”

  “Big deal!” said the third in the loudest voice of the three. “My dad can beat either of those two. His work shift ends at 4:30, and he’s so fast he gets home at 3:45!”

  Roles

  Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think about little Jane Scott. Jane was trying out for a part in a school play. Her mother told me that she’d set her heart on being in it, though she feared she would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her mother to get Jane after school.

  Jane rushed up to her mother, eyes shining with pride and excitement. “Guess what, Mom,” she shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: “I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.”

  After going into escrow for a larger house, the couple told their seven-year-old that they had to move because another baby was coming.

  “Aw, that won’t work,” frowned the youngster. “He’ll just follow us.”

  School term report card: “Your son’s handwriting is so bad we cannot tell whether he can spell or not.”

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  PARENTING PREDICA MENTS

  BIRDS AND BEES?

  An old country doctor went out in the country to deliver a baby where there was no electricity. When he arrived, no one was home except the laboring mother and her five-year-old son.

  The doctor needed assistance, so he recruited the young boy to help. He instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he delivered the baby. The child took his job quite seriously.

  The mother pushed, and, after a while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then looked at the little boy.

  “Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

  Expecting

  Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of twins!”

  “What a coincidence! I work for the Twins baseball team.”

  Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

  “Wow! That’s incredible! I work for the 3M Company.”

  An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets.

  Stunned, he barely could reply, “I don’t believe it! I wo
rk for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

  After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly regained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, “I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken . . . ”

  KIDS SAY THE CUTEST THINGS

  Daddy’s trick

  The little boy greeted his aunt with a hug and said, “I’m glad to see you! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising to do.”

  The aunt was curious. “What trick is that?”

  The little boy replied, “I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”

  Concerned neighbor

  Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, “Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Rock is?”

  A few minutes later, Tony returned.

  “Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

  “She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” answered Tony.

  “At me?” exclaimed the mother. “Whatever for?”

  Tony replied, “Mrs. Rock said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

  Female logic

  A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time, she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

  TEENAGERS

  A teen just got his driver’s license and asked his father for the keys.

  “Son,” replied his father, “after you get your grades up, start reading your Bible every day, and get a haircut, I’ll let you drive the car.”

  A little time went by, and the son repeated his request. “And Father, I’m getting better grades, and I’m reading the Bible every day!”

  “Indeed you are,” his father responded, “but you still haven’t gotten a haircut.”

  “Aw, Dad. Samson had long hair, and so did Moses. In fact, Jesus had long hair too!”

  “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

  Wrong number

  Late one Saturday evening, the ringing of my phone awakened me. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. “Mom, this is Susan, and I’m sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I’m going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad’s car has a flat, but it’s not my fault. Honest! I don’t know what happened. The tire just went flat.”

  I interrupted to explain that I didn’t have any daughters. “Sorry, dear, but I have to tell you you’ve reached the wrong number. I don’t have a daughter named Susan. In fact, I don’t have any daughter at all.” There was a long pause.

  “Mom,” came the young woman’s quavering voice, “I didn’t think you’d be this mad.”

  During one “generation gap” quarrel with his parents, a young man cried, “I want excitement, adventure, money, romance. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try to stop me!”

  With that he headed toward the door, his parents close behind.

  “Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to stop me!”

  “Who’s stopping you?” replied his parents. “We’re going with you!”

  Teenage concern

  The teenage beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying. The teenage beauty informed her friend that her mom was always fatigued from staying up all night long.

  Her friend asked, “What’s she doing staying up all night? At her age, that’s not good at all!”

  The beauty answered, “Waiting for me to come home.”

  Teenage priority

  Two teenagers were arrested for public nuisance when they were found smoking in the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call since he was unable to reach any parent.

  Some time later, a man entered the station and asked for the boys by name.

  The desk officer said, “I suppose you’re the kids’ lawyer?”

  “Nope,” the chap replied, “I’m just here to deliver the pizza they ordered.”

  Obvious explanation

  A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour when she hung up. “Wow!” said her father. “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”

  “Wrong number,” explained the girl.

  Time warp

  A college student wrote a letter home:

  Dear folks, I feel miserable cause I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin

  PS: I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

  A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

  Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

  OH, THOSE PARENTS

  Wrong number A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked who she thought was a clerk.

  “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

  “Is that a record?” she inquired.

  “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

  No help My friend’s preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller’s window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, “My children are in their twenties, and I’m still giving them money. When does it end?”

  “I’m not sure I’m the one to ask,” the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand. “I’m here to deposit a check from my mother.”

  MAN: “This is my wife’s birthday. I’d like to buy her a beautiful fountain pen.”

  SALESPERSON: “A surprise, eh?”

  MAN: “You bet; she’s expecting a Cadillac.”

  Mothers’ remarks

  • Mona Lisa’s mother: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

  • Columbus’s mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered! You could have written!”

  • Michelangelo’s mother: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

  • Mary’s mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”

  • Einstein’s mother: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?” Washington’s mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

  • Jonah’s mother: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been.”

  • Edison’s mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to bed!”

  Parental observations

  There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television going.

  five

  SHORT AND TO THE POINT

  GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

  • Families are like fudge—mostly sweet with a few nuts.

  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

  • Carsickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

  Wise saying

  It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill; just add a little dirt.

  Punster thinking

  Hal
f of a large intestine: 1 semicolon.

  INTERESTING SIGNS

  Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

  In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”

  At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in payment for your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

  In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

  In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

  Pizza shop slogan: “Seven days without pizza makes one weak.”

  On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

  In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

  At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

  In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

  On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

  At a pizza shop: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

  At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

  At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”

  In a health-food shop: “Closed due to illness.”

  Sign that you’re at a bad fast-food place

  The sign out front reads, “No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can’t get a job here.”

  BUMPER STICKERS

  • A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?

  • You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

  • It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.

  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

  • Take my advice; I’m not using it.

  • We have enough youth! How about a fountain of smart?

  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I drive by again?