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  I know alcohol is a big part of our culture. And I enjoy it myself from time to time. But it’s so important to always be present, especially when you’re first dating someone new. You want to be relaxed and comfortable, but you also want to make sure that you’re being your true self and that you’re seeing the other person for who they really are.

  * * *

  Maxims of the Two-Drink Max

  Booze is everywhere in our society, and there’s a ton of pressure to partake. Here are a few rules that we follow to keep things fun but under control:

  Beware the open bar. Nothing is free in life, and that includes booze. Whether it’s a time-share presentation, a business event, or a reality TV show, you need to be wary when someone provides you with free alcohol, because it probably means they want something from you. Even if not, say at a wedding, open bars can sometimes lead to more harm than good. Rotating nonalcoholic drinks, ideally water, into the mix will limit your booze intake and help you stay good and hydrated for the next day.

  Steer clear of sloppy sex. Hooking up under the influence can seem like a good idea at the time, but it rarely ends well. That’s true for long-term relations, but it’s definitely the case on first dates or during the early stages of a relationship. For one thing, consent gets murky after too many drinks. And beyond that, sex is such an intimate and personal act. It’s important that both parties are completely present and able to make decisions for themselves.

  Forget in vino veritas. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying “in wine lies the truth” or maybe “a drunk mind speaks a sober heart.” Do not buy into this old adage. Many people make the mistake of thinking alcohol will help them address issues in their relationship because of its ability to reduce inhibitions. The problem is, when we’re under the influence, we tend to talk more in absolutes and make accusations. Instead of saying, “Would you mind doing this or that differently?” you might say, “You never do this!” or “I hate when you always do that!” Save the serious talks for sober moments when you won’t be thinking in black and white.

  Take the edge off. There are other ways to deal with anxiety around dating. A friend once gave this advice: anytime you’re going on a first date, you should pleasure yourself beforehand so you’re not going into the date super horny. It puts you at ease so you can relax and have a good time without your hormones getting in the way. Just saying!

  chapter eleven FAIRY TALE REWRITTEN

  Lauren

  Like most other girls, I was taught from an early age about the whole Prince Charming fantasy, the perfect man who sweeps you off your feet and leads you to a life of comfort, happiness, and security. My parents didn’t push the idea on me, but it was everywhere else. Growing up in the nineties, I saw that television and movies were filled with dashing Mr. Rights—think Carrie Bradshaw’s Mr. Big in Sex and the City, one of my all-time faves.

  The stereotype goes beyond fiction too. I had family that lived in an affluent Detroit suburb. Anytime we visited I was intrigued by the other families in the neighborhood, with the handsome CEO husbands and the stay-at-home wives who seemed to spend their days baking cookies or getting their hair done.

  Out of these many impressions, the picture of the perfect man began to take shape in my mind. He was fit from regular workouts with a great job that allotted him time to take care of our family. He was dressed to kill, so we would always complement each other when we were out on the town. Basically, a lot of superficial qualities were at the forefront of my list. And—surprise, surprise—it didn’t result in many healthy relationships.

  I wound up dating guys who seemed perfect on paper and checked all the above boxes. They made great money, they had the big house and fancy car, and they radiated charisma. But then they ended up being a cheater or an asshole, or often both. I remember this guy I dated for a while; he was doing very well for himself, really crushing it in his career. We got along well at first, but then he started to become controlling and passive-aggressive. For example, if I put on an outfit I felt sexy in, he’d make some obnoxious remark like, “Oh, you must really be feeling yourself, huh? Who are you trying to look good for?” It made me really think twice about things that I loved and felt good about.

  This pattern repeated over and over throughout my twenties. At a certain point, I had to admit to myself that MY fantasy of Prince Charming was really more of a nightmare.

  Cameron

  Like Lauren, I started developing my ideas of romance and relationships at an early age. When I was a kid, my favorite toy was my G.I. Joe action figure. One Christmas, I asked my parents for a Barbie doll. They were kind of freaked out, like, “What’s going on here? Why does he want a Barbie all of a sudden?” My grandma wound up getting me a Barbie and my parents were relieved to discover that I only wanted it so that G.I. Joe could have a wife.

  I had a fairly traditional view of love and marriage growing up, based largely on the example set by my parents. They had their disagreements over the years, but they always worked through them and were always clearly on the same team. It was the type of relationship I knew I wanted. But the older I got, the more I came to believe that my parents’ relationship was the exception and there was a very slim chance that I would ever achieve something similar.

  By my twenties, my faith in finding a wife was shaken, because all my serious relationships seemed to end badly. It always felt like I had to be on alert for something to go wrong. I started succumbing to the notion that messy, dysfunctional relationships can be romantic in their own way. I bought into the relationship patterns portrayed in Hollywood: big blowup fights followed by grand, romantic gestures to make up for them. I convinced myself that fighting is a normal part of relationships and held on tight to the idea that every relationship requires work. What I did not want to accept is the fact that some relationships are not meant to be and no amount of work can save them.

  My last major relationship before Love Is Blind exemplified this kind of relationship. There were a lot of ugly fights and arguments. We’d let unaddressed issues fester until they erupted in a fight, split up for a couple months, then get back together, and the pattern would repeat. I became addicted to the rush of getting back together after periods of hurt and uncertainty. But the lows started to come more frequently, and they kept getting lower and lower. It was not sustainable. It took me longer than I care to admit, nearly five years in fact, to recognize that. Once I did, however, I realized I deserved a healthy relationship and started focusing on the qualities that I did want in a partner in order to be compatible.

  Lauren

  Part of the destiny of Cam and me is that we both reached this moment of maturity in our outlook on relationships at the same time. We’d taken our licks and were ready to stop wasting our time. I made the decision that I was going to base my feelings for a person on who he is on the inside and not all the superficial stuff that had steered me into bad relationships in the past. I became attracted to conversation instead of wondering about the guy’s bank account or how attractive he was. After a date, I’d ask myself questions like: How does this person make me feel? Does he respect me? Do I feel lighter or heavier after talking with him? Is he taking energy from me or is he adding to me?

  Those questions became the starting point for any potential relationship. The material possessions played second fiddle; if he didn’t make me feel good about myself, it was a nonstarter. And a lot of the guys in the pods were nonstarters. The sparks were few and far in between with some of them being intoxicated on our first date, and they didn’t leave the best first impression.

  And then there was Cam. For starters, I could tell he had a sweet spirit. He was actively listening to the things I shared. Our conversations had depth, at a level that I’ve only experienced a few times in my life. Then we started to discover all the things we had in common, the shared passions, life goals, and feelings around families. I would come away from dates with Cameron feeling completely light and energized. It was like, Wow, I’ve never
felt like this before. This is different from your average butterflies. I got whales swimming in my stomach.

  Cameron

  I had whales too, and none bigger than on our fifth date. Before filming began, the producers had asked us to bring a gift to the set for the person we formed the deepest connection with. I had the producers deliver two gifts to Lauren on the fifth date. The first was a tote bag that my mom had made. She said she loved the bag, but it was the second gift that really surprised her.

  “Oh my God! Is this a plum tree?” Lauren exclaimed through the pod wall.

  “Yes, it is. I wanted to give it to you to symbolize the beginning of our relationship and the hope that it will grow over time.”

  “It’s perfect! Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. My parents also planted two trees in their backyard when they first got married. That’s where I got the idea from.”

  “That’s beautiful. You know, this is extra special because when I was a kid, my dad would take me out on the weekends and whenever we passed by the market, he would buy me plums.”

  “Wow. It’s like the universe is trying to tell us something.”

  We shared a few moments of silence together. I knew what I was going to say next, though it seemed to happen in slow motion.

  “What if I were to propose to you?” I asked.

  There was a brief pause; then Lauren responded, “What if I were to say yes?” The words hit me like a bullet train to the chest. It was like the floor was falling out from under my feet. Just then a voice over the PA announced it was time to wrap up the date.

  “Then we would be engaged,” I replied.

  “I’ll talk to you soon, Cameron.”

  “I’m looking forward to it, Lauren.”

  “Me too.”

  What is happening? I thought to myself as I made my way back to the men’s lounge. This was supposed to be a fun, two-week adventure and here I was on the verge of proposing. I could feel the torrent of emotions starting to build, so I made a beeline for the gym, with the hope that I wouldn’t be bothered there. I needed time to think. I pretended to lift weights in order to avoid suspicion. The producers were on to me, however. As I looked up from the weight rack, while fighting back tears, I saw a camera lens peering around the corner. I put my head back down so they wouldn’t see me tearing up. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a producer talking to Boxer Matt. When I looked up again, he was making his way toward me.

  “Hey, buddy, what’s going on?” he asked.

  “Oh, just lifting weights,” I replied with a soft laugh, while still fighting to keep from crying.

  “Did you just come back from a date?”

  “Yeah. I had a date with Lauren.”

  “I can tell something happened on that date. What was it?”

  “We were talking and then… something inside me told me to ask her what would happen if I asked her to marry me.”

  “And what did she say?”

  “She said, ‘What if I said yes?’ ”

  “That’s amazing, buddy! And how do you feel right now?”

  “Overwhelmed, elated… scared, knowing that she’s the one and that this is going to change everything.”

  “She’s the one?”

  “She’s the one.”

  Lauren

  The world kind of stopped spinning in that moment for me too. Just five days into the show, my life was changing forever. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that a little more than a week earlier I’d been in Paris with Tiff, dancing with supermodels and climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Now I was on the verge of getting engaged to this man who seemed to fall out of the sky; he was perfect for me in every way.

  When Cameron popped the question for real four days later, it was like being in a dream. “You’re such a beautiful person,” I gushed to him through the wall between us. “I don’t have to see you to know that.” I would soon get to see everything about his physical attributes at the reveal ceremony, which took place a day later and without question was one of the longest days of my life. We were up filming at 7:00 a.m., but Cam and I were one of the last couples to go (six couples in all made it to the proposal stage). It was probably 9:00 p.m. before they got to us. That meant the majority of the day was spent sitting around contemplating the enormity of the situation. In the pod, we didn’t have to think at all about physical appearances. Now I had to think about things like messy hair, sweaty armpits, and bad breath. I was a nervous wreck. But then I reminded myself that’s not why I fell in love with Cam. I fell for him because he’s sweet, driven, and charismatic. Also because he cares about my happiness in ways that I’ve never experienced before.

  Cameron

  The day of the reveal was torture. Myself and the rest of the guys were held in the parking lot outside the facility, and one by one we were called to the reveal ceremony. We all tried to keep our minds occupied by imagining how the ceremony would go: Would there be a big twist? Would we walk into the ceremony only to find out this was all some cruel prank on us? Would we be attracted to our partners? Would anyone change their mind after they met in person? After hours of storytelling, pacing around the parking lot, and staring off into the fields behind the facility, it was finally my turn. By the time the producers came for me, night had already fallen.

  As the producer brought me to the room leading to the reveal hallway, he told me to pick a ring when I got inside. Sure enough, as I entered the room and looked around I noticed a small table with a dozen rings glimmering under the studio lights.

  I knew I only had minutes to decide. A little voice in my head whispered, Pick the one with the biggest rock! Moments later, I spotted the ring that most spoke to me. I picked up the ring, but before I had a chance to truly admire it, Nick Lachey was standing next to me.

  “Hey, Cam, are you ready for this?” Nick asked in a serious but excited tone. “This is the biggest moment of your entire life! This is going to change the trajectory of everything that happens to you from now on. Are you ready for that? Are you ready?”

  “I’m ready,” I answered, decidedly, while doing my best to keep my nervousness in check. At that moment, I couldn’t concentrate on anything except what was about to happen. Once Nick wished me luck and left the room, I approached the opaque plexiglass door, through which I could just make out a hallway with a similarly frosted door at the opposite end. I started rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet and taking deep breaths. I tried focusing on slowing down my heartbeat, which felt like it might bruise my chest. I am not sure why exactly, but I was able to calm myself a bit by chanting Lauren’s name beneath my breath to steady my nerves: “Lauren Michelle Speed, Lauren Michelle Speed, Lauren Michelle Speed.”

  All of a sudden, the silhouette of a woman appeared behind the other door. That couldn’t be her, could it? My skepticism started to spike again. I thought maybe this was a trick and they were going to send a supermodel out to tell me that my fiancée was waiting for me in the back room. But then the doors opened and I knew in an instant that it was Lauren. I started running toward her but slowed my pace when I noticed she seemed to be squinting back at me (I later learned this was because she didn’t have her glasses on). As soon as I reached her, I took her into my arms and, at long last, we kissed. I later learned that there were more than two hundred people on set watching the scene unfold, but it felt like just the two of us. I dropped to one knee, pulled out the ring, and popped the question. After she said yes, we embraced again. “I’m going to take care of you,” I told her. And that’s been my focus ever since.

  Lauren

  “You literally look like a prince, like Prince Charming,” I told Cameron once we finally locked eyes on each other. And isn’t it ironic, I spent my whole life looking for Prince Charming, only to end up with one Mr. Wrong after another. Then, as soon as I stopped looking for the fantasy, it fell into my lap in the form of Cameron, my soul mate and life partner. The fact that he’s successful, charming, and gorgeous is
the icing on the cake. But it’s the cake that matters most.

  “How did I get so lucky?” I asked, though I knew luck had nothing to do with it. Cameron and I found love because A) it was fate, but B) we were both willing to write our own fairy tale.

  * * *

  Thinking Outside the Box

  The LIB experiment made it easier to focus on the meaningful aspects of our relationship. But even in real life, there are ways to avoid the fantasy pitfalls and find a partner who is truly right for you. Here are a few rules to keep in mind:

  Forget about types. Blond versus brunette. Jock versus nerd. We grow up bombarded by stereotypes and it’s easy to become romantically attached to certain ones. The problem is, they’re very one-dimensional when in reality, people and relationships are incredibly complex. Going on dates with people who aren’t your usual type is a great way to get outside your comfort zone and discover new emotional depths.

  Trust your instincts. If you have a conversation with someone and you feel drained afterward or even a nervous pit in your stomach, that’s the universe telling you that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. It is likely because you have some serious reservation about the person that has yet to be discussed or you have already identified a major incompatibility, whether you acknowledge it consciously or not. At the same time, don’t sabotage your happiness by looking for society’s fairy tale. If you have that nervous feeling like something could be problematic about the relationship, fight the urge to ignore it and instead express how you are feeling to your partner. At worst, the conversation leads to the end of the relationship, which is still a net gain because it means you have ruled out someone who wasn’t right for you. At best, you have a meaningful discussion with your partner that resolves your reservation and deepens your connection.