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  Lauren

  Not to be outdone, I told Cam about my time working as a bank teller when I was a college freshman. We’re both overachievers, so there was definitely a playful comparison going on. I shared stories about collecting urine samples at a medical clinic when I was desperate for a job after college and some of the salacious details from my work as a bartender in Detroit, when it was common to see politicians out cavorting with their mistresses. And I delved into my various jobs in entertainment, first a model, then a DJ, then the host of my own show on public access television, The Elle Speed Show. While we were having fun sharing stories of our colorful work history, we were strengthening our bond over our core values of hard work and individualism.

  The more we talked, the more common ground we found. For example, I was very into art and acting growing up, a true theater geek. It turned out Cam was the same way. I loved hearing that he even went to musical theater camp during the summer as a kid. It was a real “No way, same with me!” moment. We definitely match geekiness when it comes to theater and creativity. Which was great to discover, because I’ve always believed that people who are creative are in touch with their inner child, since that’s where the imagination stems from for most creatives.

  Another example: Cam described his family as being well known throughout town, real pillars of the community. It reminded me so much of my family’s role in our neighborhood in Detroit. When I was growing up, my next-door neighbor and childhood bestie was a girl named Jennifer. One day, a group of girls from school followed her home, looking to pick a fight. My dad tore out of the house, broke up the fight, and made sure Jennifer got home safely. My father was a lot like Laurence Fishburne’s character in Boyz n the Hood. He was my dad, but at times he was a father figure to a lot of others in our community. And I could tell it was the same way growing up a Hamilton in rural Maine.

  Cameron

  I think many people make the mistake of thinking that if someone is from a different background then they can’t be compatible. This is a limiting belief. Many people put constraints on their own happiness and success by believing they are incapable of something that may require stepping out of their comfort zone or going against what they’ve been told by others.

  I’ve always taken the view that differences in a relationship can be complementary if both people are willing to work together. If you are fortunate, you can find someone who has strengths where you have weaknesses. For example, Lauren has taught me about how to pose for pictures, how to light the set, and how to frame a shot. I have taught her about investing and the stock market. She has educated me on Black culture and what it was like to grow up in Detroit. I showed her Maine culture and how rewarding it can be to spend more time in nature. She has taught me to feel more comfortable dancing, and I have taught her to feel more comfortable cooking. I believe the best partner is someone who can challenge you and teach you things that help you grow.

  Lauren

  That’s true even when the difference is as evident as racial background. That’s a whole conversation in and of itself, and it’s one Cameron and I will tackle head on in a later chapter. But to pick up on what Cam was saying, it helps to think of dating someone different as both a teaching and a learning opportunity. I’ll teach you something about my world, you’ll teach me something about yours, and together we’ll grow as people. That was the understanding we reached from the very beginning in the pods and it continues to this day.

  I remember the first time I went to visit Cam’s family in Maine. They had a lot of customs and traditions that were alien to me. I swear, the number of times I thought to myself, This is DIFFERENT! We don’t do this where I’m from. A lot of the differences revolved around food. Like one night his parents put out these mincemeat pies, which I believe to be a New England thing. In my mind I’m thinking, Ugh, fruit and red meat? No thank you, I will not be partaking in that. And, yes, the whole oneness-with-nature vibe was a little jarring at first for this city girl. I’ll never forget how deer in the yard would waltz right up to the kitchen window at the back of the house and sniff around. Cameron’s dad would even leave apples for them to eat. Growing up in Detroit, that is not something I experienced often or even at all.

  But you know, we had a good laugh over the situation, and it was fine. That’s an important point to stress. Being with someone from a different background doesn’t mean you have to become that person in every way, at the expense of your own identity and history. You just have to be open and interested in learning about them and sharing about yourself. Out of your two life experiences, a broader, deeper, richer union will form.

  Cameron

  Of course, this isn’t to say that two people with very similar backgrounds cannot have a successful relationship. Look at Amber and Barnett. They were both raised in the South in families with similarly conservative leanings, and they’re married and going strong. And there are plenty of happy couples who come from the same town or social circle. My parents, for example, grew up just a few towns apart and are now going on thirty-eight successful years of marriage. My dad started in the Maine Forest Service (MFS) as a laborer and worked his way to the very top as the director and chief forest ranger. A few years later, in the summer between high school and college, my mom got a laborer’s job at the MFS working with my godmother, my mom’s best friend, who was a campsite ranger. They managed campsites, painted picnic tables, operated a fire tower, and wore the Smokey the Bear costume for fairs and parades. My mom likes to say that’s when she met that young handsome forest ranger.

  But there is something to be said about the potential danger of relying too much on the convenient or comfortable. To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing a background with your partner and bonding over your similar upbringing. It is a wonderful thing to be able to relate to the people you care about on as many levels as possible. Bonding on a shared background is only problematic if that is the only level on which you and your partner can relate. It’s disheartening to see couples whose initial bond formed based on their shared background fizzle out because they found out they were incompatible across other domains: values, life goals, marriage, children, finances, among others. Many partners fall into this trap. They take the path of least resistance, pairing off with someone from their close circle of friends or maybe their church or gym. There’s nothing wrong with coupling up with someone close to home, but you still have to put in the work to get to know the other person on a deep level in order to understand whether you add value to each other’s lives or get in each other’s way. In the end, I think that couples who work the best together are those who share mutual respect and core values but who also have enough differences to bring color, richness, and variety to the relationship. By day four of Love Is Blind, when I realized the extent to which Lauren and I shared so many core values and I was able to envision our lives together without reservation, I knew she was the one.

  * * *

  Putting on the Blinders in Real Life

  There’s the old saying “opposites attract,” but the truth is that as humans, we tend to gravitate toward people who look like us or remind us of where we come from. There’s comfort and security in the familiar. But as we talked about throughout this chapter, surface similarities don’t automatically translate into deep-seated compatibility. So how can you borrow from the LIB playbook without actually throwing on a blindfold before every date?

  For starters, be open to love both inside and outside the comfort zone. It’s great to meet people at school or church or any area of your common social circle—it means you already share something in common. But if you’re somewhere else, a bookstore, say, or out walking in the park, and someone catches your eye (maybe you’re attracted to their confident manner or infectious laugh), don’t be afraid to engage. Many people are terrified of this kind of cold open because they’re afraid of being rejected by a stranger. You don’t have to ask them out on a date or for their phone number, at least not right
away. Try a low-risk opener, like asking them for directions. Remember, people like to be helpful! And in the brief exchange, you should be able to pick up on whether the interest is mutual or not. If you’re getting positive feedback and you sense the conversation is winding down, take a chance by asking for their number or their social media handle. If they say they’re not interested, at least you got some good practice in for when you meet the right person!

  Once you’re dating, be sure to ask values-based questions starting from the very beginning. Of course, you want to know where the other person is from and what kind of work they do as well. Dig deeper by finding out what they liked about where they grew up or why they decided to enter into their chosen career. If you are really interested in someone, you likely want to know everything about them. We are simply highlighting how important it is to concentrate on asking them the questions that get at the root of who they are and how they have handled different events in their life. The conversation that is light and fun will come naturally, while these penetrating questions may not. Ask them questions that address reservations or problems you experienced in past relationships: Have they ever been unfaithful? Why do they think their last relationship did not work out? What are some qualities they feel they need in a partner and why are they important? It’s about getting to the “why” of the person instead of just the “what.”

  As you ask these more insightful questions, look for common ground, regardless of whether your backgrounds are very similar or very different. It is possible that despite differences in where you grew up or what your lifestyle is like, you have more common ground than you initially realize. The people who work the best together are individuals who share core values but who also balance out each other’s strengths and weaknesses and help each other grow.

  chapter ten THE TWO-DRINK MAXIMUM RULE

  Cameron

  Reality shows have a reputation for plying cast members with booze and rolling the cameras for the ensuing train wreck. That wasn’t my experience on Love Is Blind, but the set wasn’t bone-dry either. The truth, I’d say, was somewhere in the middle. One of the producers once overheard Lauren and me talking about champagne and within minutes two champagne flutes appeared before us. No one was forcing a drink into your hand, but it was always around if you wanted it. And there’s something about free alcohol that makes it hard to pass up.

  I remember back on the first day of filming, when Nick and Vanessa Lachey, the show’s hosts, shot their opening segment with us. As soon as they left the set, one of the producers shouted, “Okay, boys, the bar is open!” It was like animals to the watering hole. There was a lot of nervous energy in the air, especially since we were about to enter the pods for the first time. Guys were doing shots, mixing drinks, and playing beer pong before we had our first dates. Many were looking for that liquid courage to carry them through. I sat back, sipped my cognac, and watched.

  Some of the guys were kids in a candy shop. It was like they’d never seen alcohol before. And the bar was stocked—beer, wine, champagne, every kind of spirit imaginable. It’s funny, because our lodgings the first few days were quite meager: we were sleeping in trailers behind the sound stage. Someone even said he saw a “Department of Corrections” stamp on his bed. The sleeping conditions didn’t bother me, as they reminded me of the cots I often slept on as a firefighter. But when a few of the women complained about the presence of cockroaches in their trailer, Production upgraded us to a nearby hotel. I had laugh to myself when I saw how the budget was being spent. Production clearly had their priorities.

  As we were approaching the last few rounds of dates on the first day, Production came in and shut the bar down in the middle of a particularly rowdy game of beer pong. They told us that while they wanted us to have a good time, they felt the level of intoxication was taking away from the quality of the dates. Some of the guys countered with, “But the girls are drunk too!” While I was making some friends on the guys’ side, the antics made me all the more eager to get back into the pods.

  Lauren

  I wish I could say it was a tamer scene over on our side, but the girls were knocking back the drinks as well. I woke up early the second morning and came out into the living area and a few of them were already at it.

  “Who needs a drink?” one of the ladies shouted.

  I declined. “It’s seven a.m.!” I said.

  But I was definitely in the minority. Alcohol is a social lubricant and, like Cam said, there were a lot of nerves on set. The booze helped people relax and feel more comfortable. It helped them get out of their heads and eliminate some of their fears. I get it. And in moderation, alcohol can be a benign addition.

  But as we all know, alcohol and emotions aren’t the best combination. And there was so much raw emotion on the show. We were digging deeply into emotional wounds that happened in past relationships or with our families. The booze was like lighter fluid.

  Even in college, I was the one who would look after everyone else. There was a lot of, “Okay, maybe you should slow down,” or “I’m not cleaning puke out of my car, it’s time to go.”

  So it wasn’t hard for me to be moderate during production. And to be honest I just didn’t want to be drunk on television saying things that could be misconstrued. Especially because there are no redos in reality TV; once it’s out there it’s out there FOREVER. A lot of the girls—and guys—didn’t seem that concerned. I had guys coming into the pod and slurring their words. I remember thinking to myself, These people are, like, fucked up! And of course, the editors focused on these train wreck moments when they stitched together the final cut of the show. I’m thinking of Amber’s drunken confessional during the bachelorette party episode. Did she have too much to drink that night? Yes. But that moment wasn’t reflective of the whole Amber. Like I said, though, most cast members weren’t thinking about the long-term consequences of their actions, including having a few too many in front of the cameras.

  But not Cameron. That was another thing that set him apart. I could tell from the opening “hello” that he was 100 percent present. Relative sobriety definitely became another point of connection. We both wanted to be fully in it.

  Cameron

  As I’ve said before, coming into Love Is Blind, I wanted to be mentally clear and 100 percent focused on the dates. I told myself that if I was going to do this experiment, I was going to commit to it fully. I knew that getting drunk would take away from forming a connection with someone on the other side of the wall.

  I am not against drinking entirely: most nights I’ll have a beer or a cognac at the end of the day to unwind. But unlike Lauren, I haven’t always practiced restraint. I didn’t drink in high school, but in college there were plenty of nights when I had a few too many. I can think of several times I missed my chance to get to know someone I was interested in because I was too inebriated to have a proper conversation. While I was in grad school for philosophy, I continued to overindulge: most weekends were spent drinking and arguing with my peers. I admittedly have many fond memories of those times, but at a certain point I realized the partying was affecting my quality of life. I didn’t like waking up feeling depleted. I also didn’t like the extra weight I was packing on. So I made the decision to dial it back.

  It was clear that drinking in moderation helped set me apart from the other LIB guys. On many dates, the women would tell me that most of the guys on their previous dates that day had been wasted. I think some of the guys picked up on the fact that I wasn’t drinking as much and actually resented me for it, like I was somehow getting one over on them.

  There was one guy in particular who was hitting the sauce extra hard—he liked to mix dirty martinis first thing in the morning. One afternoon he cornered me in the lounge area.

  “Hey, bro, how many drinks have you had today?” he asked, as he slapped his hand down on my shoulder.

  “Why are you checking how many drinks I’ve had?” I asked.

  “I haven’t seen you drink a
nything today,” he said.

  “Don’t worry about it; I’m good,” I assured him, while staring him down.

  My glare caught him off guard. “I just wanted to make sure you were having a good time,” he replied before slinking away.

  The experience made me wonder if the pressure to drink on other reality shows comes as much from other contestants as it does from the producers.

  In any event, I didn’t have to deal with Mr. Dirty Martini for very long since he was one of the first to leave the show. Most of the heavy drinkers were in the first wave of departures. You can’t be drunk all the time and expect to find love.

  Lauren

  That became clear to me on the show. As I said, there was a lot of analysis of past relationships happening with the girls. At one point, I talked to them about my experience with my college boyfriend. He admitted after we had broken up that he cheated on me while we were dating, and his excuse was that he had been drunk. As if somehow that made it okay. It doesn’t work like that. A relationship is about trust, honesty, and authenticity. If you’re drinking to the point where you’re doing things and making choices that you wouldn’t make if you were sober, that’s not okay. “I was drunk” is not an excuse.

  And as I alluded to earlier with the Amber scene, the cast had no say in the editing of the show. The story the show wanted to tell about each of us was entirely up to the producers. That being said, they couldn’t craft a story out of thin air. If you were doing a lot of drinking, they couldn’t turn you into a lush through the magic of editing.