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  I tried to forget about her, thinking back on how badly things had gone last time I got in the middle of someone’s relationship. About a week later, she texted: “My friend makes the best mixed drinks. Want to come by?” Several changes of plans later, she arrived at my place.

  “So I have to tell you something,” she began.

  “What’s that?”

  “I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He said something racist to me and it was the final straw.”

  “Oh? I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  “No you’re not! Look at you—look at how hard you’re smiling!”

  “I’m sorry to hear he said something racist to you. Clearly he doesn’t deserve you.”

  “It’s fine. We don’t have to talk about him anymore.”

  “Great. Let’s talk about us then.”

  The rest was… well, the rest was five years of what I think is best described as a learning experience.

  I have thought at great length about how to discuss this relationship. On the one hand, I’ve decided it does not make sense to rehash every detail of the highs and lows we went through. What happened is in the past now, and I do not want to spend much time recounting what we both had to heal from. On the other hand, this was the five years of my life immediately preceding Love Is Blind, and I do want to tell you a few things the relationship taught me.

  First, it’s hard to love and respect someone else when you do not love and respect yourself. This was a problem we both had to face. During this time, I did not have enough respect for my needs to fully communicate them to her. I was afraid that bringing up difficult issues would lead to a fight, and I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of that. However, in not having the courage to bring up these issues, the problems only festered and led to bigger problems down the road. I learned it’s better to bring up issues to your partner right away, even if it leads to some temporary tension between you. The longer you wait, the greater potential for the problem to mature into something much harder to solve, like resentment toward your partner.

  Second, I learned not to romanticize relationships with frequent cycles of breakups and make-ups. In books and movies, I had observed that often the star-crossed lovers of the story would have some dramatic argument, which would result in a period of separation, until one of the lovers made a grand romantic gesture and all was forgiven. When our relationship went through these same cycles, I simply told myself that this was normal. Over time, I became hooked on the rush of rekindling the relationship after a period of separation, rather than acknowledging the fundamental issues we needed to resolve. I think in a healthy relationship, both partners need to feel secure enough in the relationship that they feel comfortable arguing with their partner without worrying that it will end the relationship.

  Third, I learned it’s not fundamentally wrong to argue in relationships—rather it’s the way you and your partner argue that matters. You often hear that even healthy couples argue and that is true. But it’s the way that a couple argues that differentiates a healthy relationship from an unhealthy relationship. When couples in a healthy relationship argue, they acknowledge their partner’s point of view and try to empathize with them. Even when things get heated they focus on how they can both work to resolve the problem together, rather than on what their partner did wrong. They address issues as they come up; they do not bottle their feelings up until they explode. We had not yet learned how to argue in a healthy way, and we hurt each other as a result. The good news is that it’s possible to learn how to argue in a healthy way. I think this starts with a shared willingness by both parties to address problems when they first occur and a shared focus on resolving the problem together and listening to and acknowledging your partner’s perspective. When you and your partner both feel heard and respected, rather than ignored and criticized, you will both be more willing to work to a solution.

  Finally, you need to trust your gut when it comes to when to end a relationship and not let outside factors influence your judgment. I had recognized for a long time that my ex and I were not right for each other, but I came up with reasons to stay in the relationship. One of the biggest reasons was that I had become close with her family. However, no matter how close I became to her family, it would not resolve the underlying issues in our relationship. When I finally acknowledged what my gut was telling me, I made the healthiest decision for us both and I ended the relationship. It allowed me to make space in my life for what was about to happen with Love Is Blind.

  * * *

  A few months after breaking things off with my ex, I took my team out for a work lunch. We were at a popular Vietnamese spot in downtown Atlanta called Dua. There were six of us seated at a table in their basement that reminded me of Blade Runner with its funky lights and decorations. I was about to tuck into my lemongrass beef and rice when my phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number.

  The message was pretty suspect: it looked like some kind of ad, complete with a stock image of a man and woman holding hands while looking into each other’s eyes. My first thought was that it must be spam. As I looked more closely at the image in the text, I realized it was some kind of casting call. “Are you looking for true love?” it read. “Do you want to find the perfect someone without the superficial elements of dating?”

  I thought back to my encounter with the Married at First Sight casting agent outside my office building. Had I given him my number? I couldn’t recall. But why else would I be getting this weird text out of the blue? I showed the message to a couple members of my team at the table.

  “How crazy is this?”

  “Oh, you should definitely do it!” one of them shouted.

  “Yeah, right,” I said. “Like I’m going to find the love of my life on a reality show.”

  I put my phone away and got back to my beef and rice.

  Ridiculous, I thought to myself. But as much as I tried to dismiss the idea, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe it was time to try something new in my dating life. I wasn’t making connections on the dates I went on through the apps and was up for an adventure. I could not think about anything else for the rest of the day.

  chapter five PLAYING HARD TO GET

  Lauren

  I was actually researching flights to Paris when the little arrow appeared on my Instagram app. Being no stranger to the ways of social media, I probably had six or seven thousand followers at that time, so random DMs were pretty common. Some were promising business leads, while others were annoying interruptions—a pointless spam ad maybe, or a creepy compliment from a random guy. I ignored it for a few hours. Later that night, I was lying in bed, scrolling through my messages. That’s when I realized that the latest DM was another follow-up from Love Is Blind.

  I was still hesitant to start a conversation about being on a dating show at first. But the casting agent who had sent the original DM was very persistent; perhaps she combed through my social media and felt I’d be a great addition to the group of interesting personalities they were compiling. There were plenty of posts on my feed of me and the ladies enjoying nights out, posed in our group selfies.

  Anyway, the casting agent’s latest message went something like: “Take a look at it. Give me your email address so that I can send you more information.”

  I thought back to all the praying I’d done over the last six months or so. Something in my heart was telling me that maybe this was some kind of divine intervention at play. Maybe.

  What’s the worst that could happen? I thought. This is crazy, but let’s just see what happens.

  The application hit my inbox pretty much instantly. I took my time filling it out. Dating reality shows are a dime a dozen in Atlanta—a few of the big production companies are based there, so the opportunity still didn’t feel very special. But then the casting agent and I spoke, and she explained the whole concept of the show, including the fact that we’d be going on dates without actually seeing the other person.

  That sp
arked my interest. You see, at a certain point in my mid-twenties I started to lean into my sapiosexuality—you know, the act of being turned on by intelligence and deep, meaningful conversation. (What did you think it meant?? Lol!) After so many years of focusing on physical attributes—the six-pack abs, tall and strapping physique—I decided to base my attraction on what the mind of a man looked like. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous he is; if he’s a coldhearted asshole with the emotional intelligence of a jellyfish, it’s not going to get far. But if he asks me thoughtful questions or makes interesting observations, that’s when something clicks for me.

  So the concept of Love Is Blind appealed to that side of my dating personality. I liked the idea that the relationships wouldn’t be based on anything physical, at least not in the beginning. Plus, this was during my whole Eat, Pray, Love journey, which was centered around being connected to myself and the world. It all kind of felt right.

  I agreed to more interviews with the casting agents. I was intrigued, but I definitely wasn’t desperate to make the cut, so I had no trouble being my regular, goofy self. I made a few jokes that I remember had the casting lady in tears. I was thinking to myself, Wait, I’m not that funny. This lady’s laughing way too hard.

  The agents contacted me again to say the producers loved me and they wanted to move forward with the process, which involved filling out these long-ass psych evaluations, with a bunch of questions that seemed to be designed to make sure you’re not the type to stab someone in the eye with a stiletto if they look at you the wrong way. I swear the first questionnaire was thirteen pages long. And that was just the beginning!

  At some point in the process I let my mom and dad in on what was happening. Their initial reaction was what you’d expect from any rational parents.

  “What are you doing that for?” my dad asked.

  My mom was also skeptical at first, but she was a little quicker to come around. “Your dad is right; it is crazy,” she said during one of our weekly calls. “But who knows, you just might fall in love and find a husband.” This was one of my mom’s favorite themes. I knew exactly what was coming next. “Because you know, you’re not getting any younger,” she added in the next breath.

  Boom! There it was.

  “Yeah, I thought you might say that, Mom,” I said, biting my tongue.

  “Well, I’m sorry, but you’re thirty years old,” she continued. “Eggs don’t last forever, you know. What are you going to do, live the rest of your life alone?”

  “Oh my God, Mom!” I cried. “It’s the twenty-first century! Not all women are married with children by the age of twenty-five. In fact, not all women even want to get married or have children.”

  Like I said, this was one of our routine discussions, so it was mostly a lot of teasing. Though I knew my mom was serious about wanting me to find love and start a family of my own. Even though I’d resigned myself to the single life, a small part of me wanted that too.

  Throughout that summer of 2018, I’d hear every now and then from the producers. But work was picking up and I was staying busy. So I didn’t give much thought to Love Is Blind. Plus, I knew from my work as a model that you could be out of the running anytime. It could be the day before a shoot when someone from Creative decides they want a girl with a different look. And that’s it; you’re out. It happens all the time.

  Once or twice I checked in with the producers. “I’m filling out all these forms and paperwork,” I’d say. “Did I make it?”

  “Well, you know, we can’t quite confirm anything yet,” they’d respond. “But they really like you!”

  Mm-hmm, I’d think to myself.

  That was just fine with me. I was super excited for my upcoming trip to Paris. Cuba and Italy had been solo missions, but this time I’d have a traveling companion, none other than my friend Tiffany. It was only a five-day trip in September, but we’d been planning it for months. We had found this amazing Airbnb in the 1st arrondissement of Paris, walking distance from the Louvre. It had one of those balconies that looked out over the city. There was even a bakery right below us, so we’d wake up each morning to the aroma of fresh-baked baguettes.

  Our trip coincided with Fashion Week. I have an older cousin who lives in Paris and she came to see us one day. She was floored. “How did you get this place in this neighborhood during Fashion Week?” she asked in disbelief. “That just doesn’t happen.”

  Tiff and I had a ball living our best single girl lives in the most beautiful city in the world. Our second night there we even ended up scoring tickets to the L’Oréal Fashion Week party. The place was crawling with supermodels and they were giving out free bottles of champagne. At one point the DJ put on “I Will Survive” and this gorgeous supermodel grabbed me and shouted, “Dance with me!” I danced all night, drinking champagne and lapping up the energy and excitement. It was one of the greatest nights of my life.

  A few nights later, a Friday, Tiffany and I were at the Eiffel Tower. It was one of those perfect autumn evenings. Paris was sparkling, and I fully understood why they call it the City of Lights. We were about to leave the tower for dinner when my phone rang. It was an LA number.

  It had been more than a week since my last contact with the producers and several months since I was first contacted about the show. I’d been fighting the thought of allowing myself to get excited about the possible opportunity from the beginning, but in my heart of hearts I wanted to make the cut. I just didn’t want to get my hopes up, since I knew that even sure things could be snatched away at the last minute. As I stared down at the 310 area code, my body went cold and my heart started pounding in my chest.

  “Hello, who’s this?” I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

  “Hi, Lauren, this is the producer from Love Is Blind,” the caller responded. “Guess what? You made the show!”

  I was speechless.

  “Filming starts Monday,” she continued. “Can you be ready?”

  “Wait, what? I’m in Paris right now!” I shouted, my mind already swimming with panicked thoughts about my lackluster wardrobe and how I was possibly going to squeeze in a mani-pedi and a transatlantic flight in the next seventy-two hours.

  “Listen, we’d love to have you in the mix,” the producer said. “See what you can do.”

  Mon Dieu.

  chapter six EYE OF THE TIGER

  Cameron

  My spring of 2018 was marked by a lot of frustration, first with the CEO I worked for, then with my longtime girlfriend. Heading into summer, I was ready for a fresh start. It had been a couple weeks since the random text message in the restaurant. As intrigued as I had been by it, I hadn’t responded.

  After stepping out of the shower one morning, I saw a missed call on my phone. I listened to the voice message.

  “I’m casting for a new dating show with a really cool premise. If you’re interested, give me a call back.”

  My curiosity got the best of me.

  “Hey, this is Cameron Hamilton,” I said.

  “Cameron, I’m so happy you called,” he said casually, as if we’d known each other forever.

  “Yeah, for sure! I was intrigued by the message you left.”

  “Right on, man!”

  “…So tell me more about this show,” I said cautiously.

  “It’s a dating show for Netflix,” he started. “They haven’t committed to a title yet, but they’re thinking of calling it Love Is Blind.”

  “Wait, Netflix?” I interrupted. I had been assuming it was some obscure network or maybe an overseas production company I had never heard of.

  “Oh yeah, it’s big-time,” the casting agent continued. “Think The Bachelor, only there will be an even number of men and women, probably fifteen or twenty. Oh, and you won’t be able to see each other until you’re engaged.”

  “Engaged? Wow… that’s… that’s… something,” I said. It was a lot to process all at once. At the time, I was thinking, Who would be foolish enough to propose to so
meone they’ve never seen after two weeks of talking to them?

  “And I can assure you everyone is very well rounded,” he added, breaking the silence. At this point, I wasn’t thinking about the quality of the women who might be cast. Even though I was the one to call him back, I couldn’t believe I was having a conversation about being on a dating show and that at least a small part of me was entertaining it. It’s true I was hungry for adventure: my work life was disappointing and my dating life wasn’t much better. But this idea of truly blind dating went against all laws of attraction as I understood them.

  He went on to describe the premise of the show: There would be two weeks of blind dating, with a wall separating the men from the women. The potential partners would be able to talk to each other on one-on-one dates through the wall but would not be able to see each other. Couples who made a connection would have the chance to propose through the wall. If their partner accepted, they would go on a “proposal-moon,” spend a few weeks living together, then have an actual wedding.

  “You still there?” he said, after an extended period of silence on my end.

  “Sorry, yeah, sounds fascinating,” I said, by which I meant it sounded totally insane. “Isn’t that all very fast, though?”

  “It is,” he agreed. “But that’s the experiment. And hey, listen, no pressure. But think about it. If you’re interested, I’ll send you the initial application form. You can drop out at any point during the process.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I guess there’s no harm in that.”

  I hung up the phone and stood there in a wet towel in the middle of my bedroom for about five minutes, thinking to myself, What are you getting yourself into?