Shadow of Love Read online

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  I am an adult, Jim Cutler. If I told you I would go camping with you, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. I can't believe my mother interfered like this. I just can't believe this, Mary fumed. What did you tell her?

  I told her we'd work it out. She wasn't trying to meddle. She loves you and wants you to be comfortable and happy.

  Why can't she just let me work things out for myself? This disability gets in my way in so many ways. My mother smothers me with her love. Other adult children don't go through this.

  Of course they do. My parents love me, at times, almost to death. Your mother is no different. And with your father having passed away, she loves you even more. She thinks she has to love you for both of them.

  And I suppose she thinks now that you are in my life, you can be yet another one of my chief caretakers.

  That . . . is not fair, Mary. I really thought our relationship ran much deeper than that.

  It does. Mary clutched Jim's arm. I'm sorry. Our relationship doesn't have anything to do with my disability. Forgive me.

  You're forgiven. But we don't have to go camping. It was only a suggestion on my part. I didn't even think you'd take me up on it and I'm happy that you have. But if being out there is going to trigger childhood trauma, then we should stay home.

  Jim, I'm an adult. Adults don't have nightmares. I outgrew those long ago.

  Tell me, is the reason you hesitated when I first asked you to go camping because you remembered those nightmares?

  Yes. But when I thought about it, it was just silly to be concerned about it.

  I've borrowed an extra tent from Matt. Will you be comfortable sleeping by yourself in a tent?

  If we set up the tents right next to each other-yes. Trust me, Jim, I won't have any problems with this. I want to get out of town. I want to get out in the woods again.

  Okay. He kissed her softly on her nose. Okay, we'll give it a try. But if I hear the boogie man prowling around out there in the middle of the night, I'm running into your tent so you can protect me.

  Nut case.

  Chapter Three

  The drive to the campgrounds was a pleasant one. Jim had brought his banjo, and he was gleefully ripping off bluegrass tunes while Mary was trying to drive without getting a mouth full of tuning keys. Careful with that, or we'll be listening to your stunning banjo tunes from the ditch.

  Jim put the banjo, head end, on the floor. I like playing for you, Mary. You're so appreciative.

  I guess I should have brought along my guitar. Then we could have made some real music together.

  You didn't tell me you play the guitar.

  I do. I play the guitar as well as you play that banjo. And that's pretty good. Mary braked, then turned into the campsite entrance.

  Jim dug into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. As Mary drove up to the gate, a forest ranger came to the car. Two of you?

  Yes, Mary said. We plan on staying tonight, and tomorrow night. How soon do we have to be out of here on Sunday?

  Anytime you like. Room isn't a problem on Sundays because more people are leaving rather than arriving. So for two nights that'll be thirty dollars for the both of you. As the ranger looked at Mary's driver's license and wrote down her social security number on the form he was filling out, Jim pulled thirty dollars out of his pocket.

  I'll pay for my half, Jim.

  No you won't. I'm the man. I pay.

  No, that's all right. I'll pay my share.

  No, Jim said, frustrated. I will pay for both of us, he articulated slowly.

  The forest ranger smiled. I really don't care who's money I get. I'll take anybody's thirty dollars.

  When Mary tried to take money from her purse, Jim stopped her. Then he handed the ranger thirty dollars.

  Have a nice time, the ranger said. He stepped back and waved them forward.

  As Mary began to drive away, she said, I would have gladly paid for my half.

  No, Jim said.

  Thank you very much, nut case.

  You are the most stubborn woman I've even known. He pointed out the window. Way down there is a place. It's under some trees. See it? He looked at her and grinned. I love you.

  I love you too, Jim. And yes, I see it. She drove the van along the access path until she reached the spot they had agreed on, and then parked the van under a spreading oak. She switched off the engine and turned to look at him. Probably a bad move to park the van under a tree full of birds. What do you think, banjo man?

  I think that bird doo doo will come off in the car wash.

  Okay, then we'll leave it here. She continued to look at him with those liquid brown eyes he loved so much. You never told me you loved me before. Did you mean it?

  Did you mean it? He met her steady gaze.

  You first.

  I've never been in love before, Mary. This is the real deal. I love you more than I thought it was ever possible to love a woman.

  Then help me through my fears, Jim. I've been living a solitary life. Just because I'm outgoing and sociable with others doesn't mean I've had men flocking to my door. I've never had an intimate friend before. I made an attempt once, but he wasn't made of the same stuff you are. He went running just as soon as my physical problems appeared. We had a grand total of two dates. And then you come along with your cocky, hot shot ways, and I think, who is this guy? He's not that same person who was so gentle in that chat room with me. But it took me less than five minutes to realize that it really was you. She put the flat of her hand against his chest. And I fell in love with you at that very moment.

  So did I, he whispered. He kissed her then. He kissed her passionately. Oh God, Mary, I love you so much.

  She pushed him away. Oh, my, she said. Oh my, Jim. This is a brand new experience for me.

  Jim was breathing heavily. Do we have to analyze your experience? Can't we continue with your brand new experience? he croaked.

  No, she said. She put her hands up and shook them, grimacing in frustration. Give me some space.

  I didn't mean to push you.

  She put her hand over her eyes and laid back against her chair. You didn't push me. It's me that's running now. If I put my trust in you, if I give myself to you, and then if you at some point leave me, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear it, Jim. Do you understand what I'm trying so clumsily to explain?

  I'm not going to leave you.

  That may be, but right now I don't know this. Give me some time to think all this through. Please.

  You can have all the time you want. Let's unload our camping gear.

  You're angry with me. I feel terrible now. You're ready and I'm not. What do we do about this? I don't know what to do about this.

  Jim wiped a tear off her cheek. First of all, Mary, we have to stop beating ourselves up. We have to look at things realistically and realize that when two people come together, it won't be at the same time. It never happens at the same time. I think that we boys are babies. I think we need to be nurtured more than girls. Boys usually fall head over heels in love first. Women don't need men as much as men need women. Give it time, Sweetheart. Give it time, he whispered. He kissed her softly and said, Right now we have practical tasks to worry about.

  I know. I'm sorry, Jim.

  There is nothing to be sorry about. Our first order of business is to go back to the check-in station and give them your spare chair batteries and the charger.

  Oh, we were so preoccupied with who was going to pay that I forgot to ask the ranger.

  Well, turn this heap around, Jim said happily.

  Mary drove to the gate and Jim got out. Trouble already? the ranger asked.

  No, Jim said. No trouble. We brought along a spare pair of chair batteries and a charger. We were wondering if we could hook them up inside the station and then get them tomorrow evening. Mary will run down her regular set of batteries pretty quickly out on this rough ground.

  Why, sure. I'd be glad to help you out. Where are they?
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  Jim pulled open the back door and handed the ranger the charger. I'll help you bring all this in. This is a two man job.

  When Jim came back to the van, he climbed in. Let's go rustle us up some grub.

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  The evening was one of those glorious late summer evenings that everyone seemed to wait all summer for. They had already set up the tents and organized the camping gear, and now they were barbecuing hamburgers. The sun had set two full hours ago, and those campers surrounding Jim and Mary's campsite were so far away, they had disappeared in the black of early evening. This is fun, Jim. I remember doing this as a child. They were among my happiest days.

  For an instant, Jim was caught with the thought of why Mary would consider once again subjecting herself to sleeping in the timber and being visited by nightmares at the same time. He was fearful for her now. She was going to sleep in a separate tent. If he was with her he could comfort her. But under no circumstances would he push her to sleep with him. Mary had come a long way since they had first met, and Jim didn't intend to upset that delicate balance she seemed to have arrived at in her mind. And Jim was no fool. He realized that he had come a long way too. His devil-may-care hot shot attitude was amusing to others to a point. But Mary had shown him what real love was all about. She had brought out Jim's manhood, and Jim would be forever grateful, regardless of how their relationship might finally turn out.

  Hey, banjo man, you're gone. Where did you go just now?

  Jim jerked his hamburger away from the fire. Just thinking. I was just thinking.

  Do you like your hamburgers that black, or should we try this again? Mary took a raw hamburger off the plate. Give me the spatula.

  Huh?

  Listen, nut case, come back to me. I said give me the spatula.

  Jim handed Mary the spatula and she put the patty on it. Try again, banjo man.

  Jim grinned and tried again.

  When they were finished eating, Jim carried Mary to the blanket he had spread on the grass. They lay there together, and they talked far into the night. Suddenly a star appeared, seemingly from nowhere. It became extremely bright, then disappeared. Jim sat up. What was that?

  Ah . . . ah . . .

  What's wrong, Mary? There was terror in her voice.

  It was probably a meteor or asteroid, Mary. Quit clowning around; you're scaring me.

  Uhhhhhhhh . . . .

  Stop it, Mary. He took her arms and felt her shaking. This isn't funny anymore. Stop it.

  She buried her head in his lap. Help me, she moaned. Please help me.

  Jim helped her sit up, although she was fully capable of doing this herself. Something was very wrong, and Jim was terrified. He held her in his arms until she calmed enough to talk coherently. Tell me Mary, Jim said. Tell me.

  I . . . I don't know, Jim. I don't know what's wrong with me.

  Jim held her away from him so he could make out her features in the light of the half moon. I think we should go home.

  No, she said stubbornly. She shook her head. No. I'm an adult. I have courage. I will not go running home and hide under the covers of my bed.

  I think you'd be more comfortable, Mary.

  If we went home, I could never face myself again.

  Maybe we should go to bed. You may sleep with me tonight. I promise I won't pressure you.

  These are my own devils, Jim. Whatever they are, I have to face them alone. I'll be all right.

  Okay, I'll help you get ready for bed. He picked her up and carried her to the porta potty and set her on it. He discreetly walked away while she relieved herself. When she was finished, he carried her to her tent. He had previously set the camping lantern in her tent, so he managed to take her in and lay her down on her air mattress with little fumbling or fuss. What can I do to help you, Sweetheart?

  I don't need anymore help, thank you.

  You can undress yourself all right?

  Damn it, Jim! she flared. You should know by now I'm not helpless! Cut me some slack!

  I'm sorry, Mary. Of course I know you're not helpless. I'm just concerned for you.

  She took his wrist and held it tightly. I know you are. It . . . it would help me greatly if you could pull my jeans off.

  He unlaced her shoes and pulled those off first. She unsnapped the waist band of her jeans and he slowly pulled them off as well. Then he folded them and put them aside. He looked at her legs now. He hadn't yet seen the full leg braces she wore everyday.

  I can do . . .

  I'll do it, Mary, he interrupted. Let me do this for you. He unfastened the velcro straps of her right brace first. Then he lifted her leg out of it. There were deep indentations in her leg muscles where the straps had interfered with the circulation. Her legs were fully a foot shorter than they would have been if they had developed as normally as her upper body. They were good for little more than helping her swing through crutches. He looked at her now. Her look of sadness was like a sword that was piercing through his heart. He bent to the task of massaging her leg.

  You don't have to . . .

  I want to, Jim interrupted. I want to make you feel better. Please let me.

  All right, she whispered.

  When he had taken off the other brace and when he had massaged her legs until at least some of the deepness the straps had caused was gone, he said, May I help you with anything else?

  Mary burst into tears. Jim, you can do so much better than me. What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere with me? You must be crazy. You can't live your life like this, taking my braces off me, putting me on the toilet, carrying me from place to place. I shouldn't be cluttering up your life like this.

  Jim picked up the lantern and held it right next to his face. Look at me, Mary. I'm no different than you-no different. I'm a person; you're a person. We are two human beings who have fallen in love with one another. Now just how lucky does that make us? Damned lucky. I wouldn't trade places with anyone on this planet. Not with anyone. And when you come to know this, when you truly come to believe it right down to the soles of your feet, you and I can begin our lives together. Don't sell me short, Mary. I'm not sticking with you because I want someone to take care of. I'm staying with you because you have been taking care of me just as I have been taking care of you. And when you understand that, we'll be fine. I'm going to bed now. I'm right next door. If you so much as peep with a bad dream, I'll be in here. Now stop your crying and let me go to bed.

  He fluffed up her pillow and kissed her quickly. He didn't want to confuse her with sexual feelings on top of everything else that was surely going through her mind right now. Remember, you peep, I'm here.

  All . . . all right. She put her hand on his face. You're a good man, Jim. Good night.

  Good night. He crawled out of her tent and into his own.

  In spite of the fact that he was upset, he fell asleep quickly. He stirred awake a time or two, but fell right back into sleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night he awoke with a start that frightened him to the point of paralysis. Someone was on top of him! Fear swept through him like a raging forest fire! He struggled with this horrible force that was trying to smother him with its body. He knew it wasn't a dream. This was a real event happening in real time. Mary! he called, help me! Mary! The body struggled off him and escaped through the tent's mosquito flap. He lay there, his heart pounding so hard he thought that any minute he would begin to spout blood from his pores. But it was quiet now. The intruder was gone. And he hadn't awakened Mary.

  Ohhh. He knew the groan was from Mary! He sprang from his bed and crawled out the tent flap and into Mary's tent. She clutched at him as he came to her side. I didn't give it permission! she cried. I didn't give it permission!

  Give who permission, Mary? Give who permission? Make sense. Who are you talking about? He held her in his arms, trying to calm her trembling body. Shhh, it's all right now, Mary. It's okay. I'm here. It's Jim. I'm here. It will be okay.

  He slept with her through the
rest of the night. When she would awaken, so would he. He would calm her and then they would again go back to sleep.

  When daybreak came, Jim considered crawling back into his own tent before she awakened, but he decided that he wasn't going to have her wake up to an empty bed. Jim? Mary said sleepily.

  Good morning, he said tenderly.

  Good morning. She smiled at him and stretched. Did I sleep well, or did I keep you awake all night?

  He looked into her eyes. They were eyes of innocence. Mary remembered nothing of what had happened to her. She didn't remember the nightmare she had, and thank God she knew nothing of whoever was in Jim's tent. He wasn't going to tell her any of this, he decided. Let things ride, he decided. Maybe everything would right itself and all of this would be his own bad dream. You slept fine.

  I don't know why you are in my tent, but I don't want you to leave. She put an arm around him and rolled up against him.

  Jim was on fire for her. The sun was just up and its rays were streaming through the trees at the lowest angle of the morning. He could see a diffused world through the mosquito flap-a diffused world belying the dangers that lay lurking within it. He wanted to become one with Mary. He wanted to make everything right for both of them so they could face the dangers of the world together. Mary, he said. He turned his body into her and he kissed her. She didn't pull away this time. Her desire for him inflamed him to gentle action. With great love he slowly eased her into full blown passion. May I? he whispered.

  Yes. Please, Mary breathed excitedly. She yielded to him and he took her. They lay, locked into one another, and Jim didn't ever want to let her go.

  Chapter Four

  It was mid morning and they were still in each other's arms. I have a great idea, Jim said. He kissed the side of Mary's nose.

  What? What great idea might you have? Mary looked radiant. Jim untangled himself from her arms. You'll see. He pulled on his pajama bottoms and crawled out of the tent.

  What . . .? she called after him.

  Oh, wait. Jim scrambled back into the tent and held out his open palm. Keys please.