Paper Dolls [Book Four] Read online

  The biggest problem is, it’s easy for me to pretend I’m just exhausted after a day of school. Avery’s been so busy; she thinks I’ve been that way too. While she was busy I was actively missing her.

  The only thing exhausting me is this feeling like she can only really see me between certain hours of the day when we’re all alone and she finally has nothing left to do.

  I really am starting to feel like a girlfriend.

  When we started out I never felt that way. It was so clear then that she wanted to be with me as much I wanted to be with her.

  Now it’s different. And she’s really happy- which makes everything worse for me because- it makes me feel like I need to just calm down and adjust. I want her to be happy. After everything that happened, Avery deserves to be happy more than anything else and, I want that for her.

  I’ve just been daydreaming a lot and counting down the days and hoping for these times when we finally get some time off. I’m starting to feel stretched thin. She hasn’t noticed what she’s done but she’s given me boundaries and outs and pushed me away, probably without meaning to. We’re still having a lot of sex, when we can, but it’s more likely we have sex than we talk or actively cuddle.

  When we do talk, it’s more likely I let her talk and just listen and answer her...

  It’s hard for me to think about. It really does make me sad. On the one hand, I’m hers. On the other, I’m this secondary thing.

  She didn’t tell me about Holland coming until Thursday and that was via text.

  She’s just not seeing me as much.

  And I don’t mean visually seeing me but that is true.

  I mean, she’s so busy that she’s running on adrenaline half the time she’s with me and that causes her to be hyper and sort of half elsewhere. She talks a lot about her real life and all her people and I talk back and I hold her and I kiss her and I love her but she’s not seeing what she’s done and I can’t be the one to make her notice that. Her life with me isn’t the biggest part of her anymore. All I can do is feel that change in solitude and know it makes me sad. That’s all I can do.

  I’m just hoping it goes away.

  That’s probably stupid but what other choice am I given?

  I just need to be calm and remember, for the most part, she’s still living with me and wearing my ring.

  I don’t want to be as crazy as I feel so I’ve been keeping it all in. If I let it out it’ll scare me and make it all more dangerous and real.

  “Hey, you're not pissed at me are you?” She asked me from the passenger seat.

  “What?” I looked over dazed. How could she… “No,” I said hurt, deflating carefully. “Of course not, baby. I love you.” I saw her hand on her knee and took it in my own, offering up a gentle squeeze.

  I took the drive carefully, hoping to feel better when we got home.

  “Good. I know this was kind of last minute. Holland didn't know she could come till the last second.”

  She lay back in the seat. This was probably the first time she really rested today.

  “She's gonna love you,” Avery said, thinking.

  I felt my chest rise and fall quicker at that.

  I didn’t care if she loved me.

  Was that wrong?

  “Are you hungry? Should we get something?” I asked.

  I didn’t want to think about how I’d been feeling. I was with her now, I just wanted to be with her.

  “Yeah, we probably should. I didn't even realize I was hungry till you said that.”

  She did that a lot. Just forgot to eat until I reminded her. If I didn’t make her breakfast she would go for a whole day without eating until after practice.

  “Avery,” I sighed. “You need to eat when you’re hungry. You exercise way too much not to be eating all the time.”

  I didn’t want to fight.

  “Yes, ma'am,” she fiddled with her fingers. “That's why I have you. Keeping me in line,” she joked.

  “I don’t wanna be your mom, baby.” I joked darkly.

  I sped the car, turning at a familiar spot and pulling into a lot. “Come on,” I said, stopping and unbuckling to get out.

  Avery followed. I stopped a few feet away from the car to turn and hold out my hand.

  She was so cute; I ached by just seeing her notice me again.

  “Let's feed you,” I smiled wide, feeling her hand as it softly slipped into mine. These were the small moments I needed more than air.

  She was with me.

  This was good.

  We got a booth in the back corner. I hated having to sit across from each other. I always wanted to be touching her. But even just seeing her now was a treat. I had to try my best not to be a creeper and stare.

  I missed her so much.

  Last weekend my parents wanted me to go with them to New York and Avery couldn’t go because she had some preliminary tournament. Avery placed high and apparently did amazing individually, vacillating between first and second for top in her different events for the district. Her coach told me all about it at practice on Monday. I will confess, I had to have her explain heats to me. I didn’t understand. She kept saying Avery was the best in all the heats. I had no clue what the hell she was talking about. I made a note in my head to read an epic swimming manga series when I got the chance. All-in-all, I just felt bad I wasn’t there. Even if I did get to finally see Hamilton. Which was so so worth it but just bitter-sweet given everything. If Avery had been sitting next to me it would’ve changed everything. She wasn’t though. I felt hollow inside.

  “I don't want you to be my mom either. I just like when you take care of me like that. It's sweet. I'm crazy. You know that,” she screwed up her eyes, crossing them.

  I laughed. “Well, you’re in luck,” I said joyfully. “‘Cause I always want to take care of you.” I felt purposeless otherwise.

  The waitress came by and asked our drink order. I ordered food right away. I didn’t want to spend our only alone time in some restaurant when I knew we could go home and be alone.

  I really did want Avery to have everything she wanted. No matter what that was.

  “Sooooooo, did you want to stop by this party with us? I know it's stupid. I feel bad though. Skylar’s been really great lately.”

  “Aww, well, she’s always great,” I said, no malice or jealousy to my tone. I was okay with them. I had to trust Avery. I couldn’t live with us any other way. “But I guess- I mean- if you want me to go. You said you’d just stop by right? Or do you want me to take Holland out or something? I guess I could do that.”

  “It's up to you. I always want you with me but I don't want you to be bored or hate being there. I'm going for maybe an hour.”

  “Well,” I sighed, thinking. “I’ll go then, that’s not too bad.” Being around all her friends was bad. They weren’t my friends. Not even Skylar...

  I’d tried to become a part of her little world but the way they all interacted never made sense to me. I felt like some sort of distanced ethnographer by her side… Some ridiculous Socio-Anthropologist or something. I did make one friend of Avery’s but she wasn’t a close friend of Avery’s to begin with and I felt strange just hanging out with her when Avery was with Sky and everyone else.

  The whole point was to be with Avery, that was the whole point in joining her with her friends.

  I didn’t want Avery to think I didn’t want to be with her. I didn’t ever want her thinking that. It just wasn’t true.

  But she was different with them.

  I hated it actually.

  The thought of giving up one hour of her now just seems stupid though.

  I’d go. It’d be manageable. Lame but manageable.

  I watched her take up her napkin and put it over her lap.

  My smile twitched.

  I loved watching her.

  She caught me though and I had to roll my eyes and clear my throat and look out at the restaurant and pretend I hadn’t been thinking about her in that arres
ting way I always seemed to.

  “How’s life Miss Lockhart?” I asked all nonchalant. I held my hands together on the table and sat up straight like I usually did, all business until the lights go down. “Any new developments?”

  It was fun to remember how we met.

  That was always fun.

  I turned back to catch her eye. “I’d be wrong not to tell you this right away, you sure are a sight for sore eyes. I may as well just get that right out of the way.” I pursed my lips, catching her look and then looking away again. I had habits that weren’t intentional. I felt myself biting my bottom lip to try and keep myself from beaming.

  She was easy to tease when I had her; easy to love.

  That’s all I wanted to do, all I wanted her to let me do.

  It was all I waited for every day.

  The only thing I could bring myself to look forward to anymore.

  All weekend I couldn’t stop listening to “China” by Tori Amos…

  So many of the words just felt like us now:

  Sometimes I think you want me to touch you… But how can I? When you build The Great Wall around you?

  At least back then we were literally far apart. Still, the memory of that feeling lingered and stretched out, reaching up and shadowing the now.

  …

  “Nothing new, just the same stuff. Play, practice, and trying to avoid being called on in Henderson’s class. I feel like I haven't seen you lately. Just another reason I skipped. Now, I get to watch you watch me.”

  “Well,” I sighed, skipping over that second to last bit. “We’ve both been busy,” I felt my eyes squint and flutter with the pain I shouldn’t feel. “I’ve really missed you this week though...”

  The waitress came back with the food and the drinks.

  I hated the timing.

  Why couldn’t it be slow?

  Why couldn’t anything be slow?

  We were back to the beginning somehow. It hurt to see her. She was so beautiful and I wanted her so much.

  I tried to get it together and gather myself. I probably looked grumpy or stern. I couldn’t tell what she thought of me sometimes. I just knew what I wanted and what I meant.

  I wanted to be with her more.

  I hated all our obligations and differences right now because I had to hate them. They pulled us apart. I had no control really.

  I hated that feeling.

  Sometimes I needed control.

  I picked my napkin up and unrolled my silverware to eat.

  Whatever happened tonight would be fine. I just wanted to be with her now.

  Chapter Two

  Avery

  Dinner had been nice. Olivia and I hadn’t had time to sit down and hang out together for awhile. Either I was busy or she was busy and we ended up only seeing each other in time to go to bed, where not much talking happened.

  Holland coming was a surprise but it was a good one. I’d been worried that Olivia would hate me for springing it on her last minute so I chickened out and texted her instead of just waiting to tell her in person. The excuse in my head was that she’d rather know earlier via text than later in person.

  When we picked her up at the airport I think Olivia was surprised. Holland barely even talked to me after we hugged, she wanted to know all about Olivia. You’d think that they were the ones who’d been best friends. I loved it though. We all hung out and got ready to make an appearance at the party after we got home. Holland insisted on going, being Olivia’s company while I got my hellos out of the way.

  When we pulled up to Anna’s house the whole front yard was covered in cars. We had to park down the street and walk. On our way we’d stopped at my parent’s house to see them and let them see me. Holland hugged them both and chatted them up like no time had passed. She was like that though, easy in social situations.

  Like this one, the house was big, as big as Olivia’s, but it was full of college and high school kids. We pushed our way through the entrance area and got into the living room where there was a little stage set up for the band that was going to play. I looked around, trying to find Skylar or Anna.

  I could tell that Olivia was not happy to be pressed in close to this many people. It gave me energy, especially when it was a crowd full of strangers. I knew a lot of these people. I pushed through, pulling Olivia by the hand past a few guys rolling a keg through to the kitchen. We followed them and ended up stuck in the line to get drinks.

  “You okay?” I asked Olivia. She stood close to me, with one hand on my hip

  “Yeah,” she said, labored. She was trying to be okay. I could tell she was trying.

  ‘I’m sorry. This sucks. I swear we can just find Sky and Anna and do the hi and bye and get out of here.” I pulled her a little closer, trying to protect her with my body. She looked so good.

  “It’s okay baby, I wanna be okay,” she said.

  “I know you do.” I pushed forward a little and saw an opening to get to the backyard. “Come on.”

  Holland brought up the rear, grabbing three cups on the way out and catching up as we got to the patio.

  “Here,” she said, offering us the other two cups.

  “Thanks.” I took one and handed the other one to Olivia.

  Kids were packed in around the pool and several were in it. Not all of them were wearing bathing suits. The party must have been off to a crazy start. I spotted Clint across the yard and made a beeline.

  “Dude,” I said, smacking his arm. “Where is everyone?!”

  “Oh hey.” He looked at me and then Olivia. When his eyes hit Holland he cleared his throat.

  “Where’s Sarah?” I asked.

  He shrugged, raising his half empty cup into the air. “I don’t know and I don’t care. I broke up with her.”

  “For real?” I threw an arm around his shoulders. “Good for you. She was always a total bitch to you.”

  “Yep,” he nodded. “So, who’s this?”

  “Oh.” I turned, looking past Olivia. “Holland, this is Clint. Clint, this is Holland. We’ve been friends forever.”

  “Nice to meet you, tiny hot girl,” Clint reached out his hand to shake hers.

  He’d obviously had a few beers.

  “Anyway, have you seen Skylar?” I covered.

  “Yeah, she was in the game room. They’ve got it set up for beer pong.”

  “Gross,” I complained. “Hey, I’m gonna go try to find her. We’ll see you later.”

  I led the way back around the pool and into the house, where we had to squeeze through all those people again. We made it back to the living room and walked up to the basement stairs.

  “You guys don’t have to go down if you don’t want to. I’m just going to say hi and then get the hell out of there.”

  Holland took a sip of whatever was in her cup and cringed. Immediately, setting it down on the side table. “Come on Olivia, let’s just wait outside. This place is crazy.”

  “Okay,” Olivia said, amused and following.

  My shoulders sagged a little in relief.

  “Averyyyyyyyyy!”

  I whipped around. “Oh shit,” I muttered.

  Before I could even dismiss the alarm bells, my arms were full of my ex-girlfriend.

  “Heeeey, Daisy.”

  I tried to end the hug, very aware of Olivia right beside me. Holland and Olivia were going to leave but they paused to take in the sight. My arms weren’t even holding Daisy anymore but hers were around my neck.

  “Uh, nice to see you.” I said. “But why are you here? You don’t know Anna, do you?”

  She finally let go and stepped back, her hands on my arms. “You too! Oh, we’re playing the party.”

  “Wait, Daisy?” Olivia asked, sizing her up appropriately. She seemed a little peeved.

  “Daisy- this is Olivia, my fiancé.”

  I stepped aside, watching Daisy’s face fall. “Fiancé?”

  “And this is Holland, my friend from San Diego.”

  “Hi,” sh
e said, still crestfallen.

  She barely looked at Olivia or Holland but turned back to me. “You’re going to come listen to us play, right? You used to love our shows.”

  Daisy was all about drinking me in like she might never see me again.

  Her hand was still on my arm and I was acutely aware of it. I’d give a lot of money to not be in this situation but apparently I had no luck. Olivia was going to kill me.

  “Well, I’m actually leaving soon,” I said, trying to maneuver my arm away.

  “Babe, if you wanna listen,” Olivia said, trying not to be that girl.

  “Uh, no, remember we have that thing,” Holland piped up.

  “What thing?” I looked back at her and then I caught on. “Oh, yeah. The thing… That we have to do.”

  “Still, you should blow that off and come listen.” Daisy said, flipping her hair back to reveal even more tattoos.

  “No, it’s something with my parents so I can’t.” I hated lying but this was a noble cause.

  “Oh, well, come by the coffee shop and hear. I know you don’t have my number anymore.” She reached in my pocket and grabbed my phone out so quickly that I couldn’t even react.

  She typed a few things, presumably putting her number in and slipping the phone back into my pocket before I could grab it from her.

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her a little way down the hall. “Not cool. Did you not hear the part about me being engaged to the girl standing right beside me?”

  “Engaged isn’t married, Aves.” She winked at me and pulled her arm away, giving me a quick hug before walking away. “I’ll text you,” she called.

  I let my head fall into my palm. Pissed beyond the telling of it. “Don’t you dare,” I yelled after her.

  I turned around, afraid to see what Olivia looked like. Holland had wide eyes. Olivia on the other hand was staring bloody daggers in the direction that Daisy had gone in.

  “Babe,” I said walking back to her. “I am so sorry. I told you that girl is crazy. I had no idea she would be here,” I gave her my phone. “Delete that number, I don’t even want to see it.”

  “Its fine,” Olivia lied, not even wanting to touch the phone. She pushed the object back at me, wanting nothing to do with it at all.