Paper Dolls [Book Four] Read online

  Author Note

  Welcome back for book number four! We are officially rolling into the real meat of this saga. This book mostly takes place in Napa Valley.

  After a complicated four months at school together, Avery and Olivia have somewhat grown emotionally distant. Olivia has been too scared to pressure Avery to notice her and Avery has been too busy to actually deal with what’s been going on with her internally. Since it’s finally Spring Break, Holland, Avery’s best friend comes to visit. A party and an accidental Skylar kiss forces our two main lovers to finally spill their truths out and confront their actual problems instead of ignoring them or maybe pretending they were not actually there.

  This book is the beginning of the mental health journey the girls will begin to venture on. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sex, jealousy, anger, all the usual ingredients have fallen into this spring-time stew.

  Naturally, all warnings still apply. Lots of angst and sex. Watch yourselves!

  We’ve been working up to this Napa book for a long time now. This story was obviously written before the recent tragedies in Sonoma County that have affected thousands. Record breaking fires, taking down houses, and erasing both humans and their histories in the time it takes to take a photo with an old school flash. Our hearts go out to all who have been affected by the fires.

  XoXo

  Blythe & Emma

  Chapter One

  Olivia

  Several happy weeks have gone by since that time I was forced to interview Avery out in front of the Huntington school pool. We’re engaged now. We’ve been through hell. Things are finally starting to feel normal again; less stress. Even my dad’s been more of a figure. It’s been different but in a great way.

  We’re finally getting some autonomy back but it’s hard. We even started taking separate cars on certain days. We both have commitments and needs. I can’t always be where I want to be, which of course, would be following Avery around.

  She has swim meets on Wednesdays and I’ve tried to make every one but it’s been hard.

  I’m friends with her coach now, sometimes I keep time, and we’ve talked a lot in private about all that went on since we’ve been sharing the dry space with not many other people to converse with on the many long days.

  Concurrently, I’ve loosened up on Huntington. I had to realize that not everyone is Ben.

  My decision to trust him had a lot to do with how attractive and smooth he was and how well we clicked. We haven’t heard much about the trial but it’ll come up eventually and we’ll have to go. It’ll be a mess. After everything, I hope I’m stronger now.

  For whatever reason, Avery’s a lot busier than me. Any other year at Huntington that would really not be true. But this year is my last and I’ve saved virtually nothing to do for senior year.

  It didn’t used to be this way. I realized early on that I dropped a lot of my interests and habits because I’m completely obsessed with Avery and more into seeing her than doing or being anything else.

  It’s not healthy but, small consolation, I wasn’t healthy before.

  It makes me laugh sometimes when I think about how my life has changed.

  What’s the difference? What’s the difference if I’m obsessed with a bunch of different things versus one person?

  What’s the difference between devoting hours and hours to lab work that might not come to any sort of breakthrough and devoting hours and hours to a love that I know to be true?

  To me it’s just obvious now. Life is short. That’s the difference.

  There are things I want.

  I want to help people. I want to do things of worth.

  But I do that with Avery. Just helping her is enough for me. Just helping her makes me feel like I matter here in this stupid place.

  Not just the school… The world.

  That feeling has only grown in the time that I’ve known her.

  She’s been busy though. More and more, as our time has gone on, I’ve seen her less.

  I fall back into my things. I don’t need to watch her swim everyday so I’ve been tutoring at the Math center in those hours on occasion to help out a friend.

  Avery has drama practice on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and they’ve been working up to a big play. Auditions were a mess. She and Sky were all nervous, trying to get their scenes right but it was fine and they both booked the leads.

  They’re like this crazy, sexy, stressed out tag-team. All that energy. Because of everything, I’ve tried to just sort of: let go and let God, as the saying goes.

  I can’t be watching them all the time. I try not to watch them even when I’m with them. But, at the very least, I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t suspect that Skylar will try anything with my girl.

  I can’t be thinking about that all the time but sometimes it rears its ugly head again and I feel that nervousness and jealousy come back.

  The less they tell me about their play and their time together the better I feel.

  It’s bad but it’s exactly what I need; distance.

  Every time Avery brings Skylar up I try to bring up something else.

  To make things extra confusing, this week, Avery’s friend is coming up from San Diego to finally visit her during spring break.

  I don’t know how to feel. Between school and her hobbies I feel like I only see Avery at night.

  I’ve spent a lot of time trying not to feel crazy and sad about that.

  My main worry is that she doesn’t miss me as much as I miss her.

  It’s probably irrational but I just feel left sometimes…

  I can’t look forward to lunch breaks because she has friends and that changes things. I can’t look forward to after school because she has shit to do. And then there’s her family who misses her and wants to be with her. Between all of that I just feel kind of stupid. It’s like I’m fighting a battle I can’t win.

  Sometimes, I’ll stay awake all night just to watch her and feel her while she’s near.

  I can’t tell her these things because they’re embarrassing.

  I just can’t wait for summer. I miss the way it was during our first month when it felt like we never ever had to separate and never ever had to be apart.

  I hate to feel like the clingy one but that’s who I am now I guess. When I obsess, I go hard.

  I’ve put all my effort into not doing that though. I hate feeling pathetic and sad. I hate feeling like I’m the crazy one, even if it is true.

  School’s just getting out now and I probably only have a few minutes to see Avery before she gets in the pool. Right after that, she has drama and then, usually, she goes to have dinner with her parents, sometimes I’m invited, sometimes I’m not.

  Right now, I just feel like crying.

  I just feel like I’ve dedicated my whole life to someone who has far too much going on to even notice what I’m feeling anymore.

  I’m trying to be strong but it’s hard.

  I’ve spent a lot of time alone in the music room these days. And I’ve been writing a lot but sometimes I’m scared of where my head goes and I have to stop.

  The thought of meeting Holland has made me more nervous than I thought it would. We’re supposed to go to the airport. I told Avery I’d drive. Holland lands around 8. We’ve been so busy though I don’t even know what’s going on, that’s why I’m going to find her now when I’d usually be heading home.

  “Babe?” She was walking toward the locker room to get to practice but I caught her in the hall.

  “Hey!” She ran up to me, pulling me into a kiss. “I missed you at lunch.”

  “Yeah, sorry. I had that meeting for Science about tha
t Professor who’s coming to visit to give that talk in the library in a couple of weeks.”

  I felt her hands snake around my waist as she pulled me in and took my breath away. These were the moments I lived for, the moments I craved. Unexpected, full on, attention.

  “Hey, what are you doing right now?” She peeked down the hall both ways and pulled me to the side, kissing me again.

  When she did this I felt kept and secret. When she did this, I knew I had nothing to fret about, nothing to fear. She took me over.

  “Whatever you want,” I said, hoping, after all this time, she still knew. Always. Always. I’d always be hers.

  “Come on.” She pulled me by the hand down the hall in the opposite direction of the locker room.

  “Where are we going?” I asked nervously. She’d been so dedicated lately. She even did all those extra credit assignments we’d talked about. Gotten her grades up. Fixed her future up good. There was no doubt we were going to Stanford. We had a future. It just still felt somehow far away during these busy weeks of ours where we barely had any time.

  I have to admit, the news about Holland coming really crushed me.

  I was so excited to have Avery to myself for Spring Break.

  And there she was, excited to see her friend again and have her meet me.

  I thought of the treehouse and that day I made Avery open herself up. I thought of that sunset and that feeling like we were the only two people in the world.

  My heart just sank.

  How did that turn to this?

  She took me into the auditorium, down the center aisle and behind the stage to where the practice rooms were. No one was around yet but I knew it would fill up eventually.

  She opened one of the doors and pulled me inside, using my body to push the door closed as she descended on me. “I just wanted to see you,” she kissed me again. “I don’t have to go to practice.”

  My head swam as she pressed her body into mine. When she stole herself away for me I felt blessed. Our secret time. “I miss you,” I said, chest about ready to explode as I felt my own words deep down inside. My heart raced at her hand that rest nearly ontop of it. Fingers poised to touch and tease. I kissed her dangerously and hoped this wouldn’t just be fast sex in an empty room. She had me desperate again and feeling low, a close second. She didn’t mean it but it was what it was.

  “I miss you too. I’m sorry. It’s been crazy. I-” She stopped talking to kiss me but pulled herself away again, her hands on either side of my body. “We’ve got… what? Three hours until we have to go pick up Holland. Can we just go home? As of three-thirty it was spring break so fuck practice.”

  “Babe,” I said, pushing her hair back and trying to stop myself kissing her so I could at least see her. Blonde locks so effortlessly perfect. My fingers relished in the silk. Distraction was easily had. My eyes traced her features again, deciding to stay entranced by her lips. “You’re so busy you don’t even know how busy you are. Are you skipping Drama too? It’s Friday, ya know… Are you not seeing your parents this week? I haven’t even had time to ask you because of yesterday.” I had an event for my mom and the timing didn’t work for Avery so I went alone. On Wednesday Avery had come home so late because she was practicing scenes with Skylar. This week had just been a mess.

  “I don’t care,” she whined. “Mom and Dad said we could just bring Holland over later.”

  “Okay, okay,” I said trying to be what she needed. “Let's go then but we have separate cars.” I didn’t even like the thought of having to be apart for the fucking car ride. I was so sick of this shit.

  “We can come back later and get my car if you want to drive together. I’m just kind of done with being here right now. I know half the cast isn’t even showing up for Drama so what’s the point? I’d rather just go now.”

  “Okay baby, that’s fine. I’d love to take you home, really. Let’s just go.”

  “Yes,” she smiled. “That sounds like the best. Maybe we can take a bath or get in the hot tub.”

  She closed her arms around my body and spun us around so that she had her back to the door instead of me. Then she pecked me on the lips and opened the door with the hand she had behind her back, slipping out into the hall and pulling me to follow by the hand.

  She stopped when she hit something and bumped back into me. “Fuck!”

  It was Skylar and Anna, another of the Drama girls. “You scared the shit out of me.” Avery turned, hand over her chest.

  “Oh God, were you guys- like- having clandestine lesbian sex in there? I can never use that room again,” Skylar groaned.

  “Shut up,” Avery scolded. “You would have just watched through the window anyway.”

  “Ew,” Skylar said.

  “You know she’s right though,” Anna added, laughing as Skylar flipped her off.

  I saw a second of real sadness flash in Skylar’s eyes before she retaliated though. I didn’t like watching them all talk like this, it stressed me out. All so unnecessary.

  “No, I’m skipping Drama and going home. We have a lot of nothing to do before we have to go pick up Holland. I just need a sec to breathe. Between Swim and Drama and school I’ve been running on fumes for weeks. Plus, I’ve been ignoring my wifely duties.”

  “I’m going to ignore that last part but yeah… You know what would help you though? Anna’s party tonight,” Skylar said.

  “Oh yeah, you’re coming, right?” Anna asked. “My brother is on spring break now too so my parents are leaving him in charge and going on some cruise. So, obviously, we’re having a party AND- since Brandon is twenty-one now, he’s buying us liquor.”

  Avery rolled her eyes. “Okay, so you want me to take my best friend, who I haven’t seen in forever, to a crazy College slash High School party her first night here. I had a whole thing planned-”

  “You have to come,” Skylar interrupted. “At least for an hour. Then you can go do whatever you were going to do. I’m not going to see you all spring break while you’re off with your best friend and your fiancé so you can at least come to this party.”

  “Ugh, fine. Just for a while,” Avery conceded.

  “Yes!” Skylar did a little dance and bumped Anna with her hip. “I’m good.”

  “Okay, that’s not making me want to follow through.” Avery warned.

  “Ha! Okay, fine, fine. Go home and when you come to the party be in a better mood.”

  “Whatever,” she grumbled and pulled me past Skylar and Anna.

  “We don’t have to take your shit!” Avery yelled at them as we walked away.

  I dunno… It was very High School. Avery’s friends were like all those CW shows and clichés.

  Avery was in certain form around her friends. She was always adorable but the way they joked was just strange and it put me off sometimes. Their language was not mine and by language I didn't just mean words. There was just something about knowing about Skylar that really annoyed me. Did Avery even like these people? I honestly couldn't say but they made her happy. It made her happy to tease these girls and be a bitch to Sarah and be a half friend to Clint. Perpetually friendless, it was all a mystery I could not understand.

  Seeing Avery with them, and then thinking of her with me, stressed me out.

  I let her pull me out to the car but I was unsettled.

  What did she even want anymore? Was she really having fun or just distracting herself? I might’ve known before but right now I didn’t know how important I was to her.

  I didn’t know where we’d be in the fall or if she’d really be happy with me.

  She’d been spending so much time with other people doing other things and I just wasn’t feeling like I was a priority for her anymore.

  When we got to the car she naturally let go of my hand. There were things we did now that just felt like they were supposed to be routine. It was weird though, that whole walk from the Drama room to the car, Avery was speeding off and I wondered if she even felt me- like I still felt
her. To her it was routine… To me my heart still jumped and I was still dying for her to be just feeling me and knowing me again...

  With her friends she’d been a powerhouse, cocky hotshot like I’d described her so long ago. She’d just do these things and I’d witness them and then something like this would happen where I’d be with her but also feeling like she wasn’t seeing or feeling me much at all.

  I know she’s just excited to get back home so that she can notice me but right now it makes me feel really shitty because I’ve really been just desperate for her to look at me all day and desperate for her touch and desperate for her attention but I don’t want to have to ask her to give me any of that. When I found her before in the hall I just wanted to see her, remember her right. What did she do? She closed her eyes right away and kissed me…

  I know that’s a small difference but it hurts. Little things can wound.

  She’s been breaking me so often and not even knowing… Like this walk… Like right now.

  While she was pulling me with purpose I just felt like a dumb little kid so hopelessly devoted. It’s hard not to feel a little angry sometimes. Dynamics can mess with an educated person.

  I keep getting that feeling though, that helpless child feeling, and I hate it so much.

  I told her I wanted to be hers but I didn’t mean I wanted to be like a household pet she could completely forget about and ignore when it’s convenient for her.

  And she’s busy and I know she loves me but I can’t help feeling this way sometimes because our routines have turned into these strange things like this. Like this stupid walk from the drama room to the car where I feel like I’m really with her, really trying to be with her and be connected, but she’s off in the clouds; not with me at all.

  She let go of my hand and I immediately rubbed my palm off on my dress. I didn’t like feeling like she didn’t feel me the same. It made me feel stupid and mildly sick.

  I walked around to the driver’s seat and got in, trying not to think the way I’d been thinking.

  We’d had several weeks now of moments like these where I’m about ready to die inside from missing her and she doesn’t even know.