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  “So, you think I’m pretty?” I asked her.

  Where I was going with this was not even in my mind. I was just utterly charmed by her admission and unable to explain the jolt of joy it brought me.

  “You’re not just pretty,” she said, shaking her head and refusing to look at me. “I- completely get how and why you’ve gotten to Natalie. You’re too nice without being boring. You’re too sexy without being creepy or needy. You’re… Mysterious.” Her gaze dared to find mine and I watched as she licked her lips and bit her bottom one, giving up to me then and shaking her head.

  Keeping her gaze down, she came back to sit by me. This time she actually succeeded in trying her salad. Olivia had a hard time telling me things but she was criminally honest when she did.

  I couldn’t find my voice. I knew she was in love with Nat but it was starting to sound like she had some kind of feelings for me. That seemed impossible. I certainly wasn’t Nat.

  “That kinda blows my mind. I can’t even fathom that…” I said.

  “Well… It’s how I think of you,” she said, eating sheepishly. “But it’s okay,” she said. “You don’t have to think about it.”

  “Oh, I’ll think about it.” I took in a deep breath and glanced over at my computer.

  “I have a confession. The character in the new book is based on you,” I said.

  “What?” She asked, a little serious as she glanced over at me.

  “You inspired me,” I said, shrugging a shoulder.

  “It’ll be interesting to read that,” she said, a little down as she kept on eating.

  “When it’s finished, maybe? I don’t want you to read it until it’s perfect, which might mean never. You’re illusive to capture.”

  “Right,” she said, huffing a pessimistic laugh.

  I leaned over and smiled.

  “You might be able to convince me to give you a peek,” I said.

  “How,” she wondered.

  “I dunno, tell me something about back when you and Nat were together,” I suggested.

  “What would you like to know?” She asked, surveying me again.

  “Just tell me your side. How you felt, what you thought when you met her, that kind of thing,” I said.

  “When I met her,” she said, thinking about it and breathing in. “God… I dunno,” she said, picking at her salad. “I didn’t think about getting together. I- didn’t have time,” she laughed. “And then it was just… All these feelings and… The way she spoke and looked and… Everything happened so fast and then I was at home and I immediately missed her. And I didn’t understand...”

  “I was pretty sheltered,” she said. “My mind had never just jumped there before that.”

  “How were you sheltered?” I asked.

  She might not realize but listening to her talk about this made my pulse race. It was making me realize what I wanted to write.

  “I hadn’t had much in the way of attraction,” Olivia said. “The world was black and white in a lot of ways. Before Natalie.”

  “Oh, I see. We’ve got that in common then. I didn’t feel much until Nat. I had boyfriends and girlfriends but nothing that excited me much,” I explained.

  I wanted to make her open up but I was spewing my history, such a natural reaction.

  “Yeah… It was… Nat just. I dunno. She made me see that life could be different. And I couldn’t take it. It didn’t make sense to me. And I was insecure so… I fucked it up.”

  “We all do that sometimes. I’ve had a few moments but you learn from them. You’re here now. That’s something,” I said.

  “I’m too late,” she said, definitely trying to keep it all in. “I’m here because I’m broken. That’s why I’m here. Anyway. Sorry,” she said nervously. “It’s just really hard to talk about. No one else asks me about this or knows about me.” I noticed her hands were shaking.

  I reached over and took them, moving so I was facing her side.

  “Hey, it’s okay. Broken is the first step. You have to start somewhere. I have a feeling you’ve not been able to face this for years. Maybe it’s good that you’re doing it. We’re not going anywhere. As long as you need somewhere to be broken. Nat loves you. She really does. I can see that,” I tried.

  She sniffed and stared down at our hands.

  “I keep thinking she might not want me here,” she said carefully. “And, in all honesty, I’d understand if she didn’t. It’d make a lot more sense now, after meeting you.”

  “That’s not true. I think it’s brought up some things for her, sure, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you here. She’s been wondering all these years, not that she said anything of course. I think you need to be here right now for both of you. There are still things left unsaid and unresolved. If you can’t though, I get it. I know it must be hard to see us like this,” I conceded.

  “In a way it’s easy because it’s what I’d expect and somehow want,” Olivia said. “I always knew I wasn’t good enough. That was most of the reason I broke up with her. She knew I was crazy. But a lot of times she’d pretend I wasn’t. Did she tell you that?”

  She looked up at me sadly.

  “That’s also not true. You’re good enough. If I am, then you are,” I let out a terse laugh. “Look, you’re not crazy. If you really were you wouldn’t function at all. Everyone has their particular challenges to get through. You should have seen me when I met Nat.”

  “I dunno,” Olivia said, a little dejected. “You should eat,” she said, trying not to be emotionally scarred. “Maybe I should try to sleep. Give you some time to yourself. I’ll feel better knowing you’re in here.”

  “You don't seem okay so I'm not going to leave you alone unless you give me a good reason. When's the last time someone really comforted you?” I asked.

  “When I last saw you two,” Olivia said.

  “Then, come on,” I said, taking her hand and leading her to the bed she was going to sleep on.

  I pushed her gently toward it and waited till she laid down. Then I got in behind her and pulled her into my arms.

  “Just be or cry or laugh or sleep, whatever you need to do,” I said and snuggled into her. “I've got you.”

  “I’m okay,” she lied, holding me too.

  She didn’t cry or laugh. She just held me against her and eventually fell to sleep.

  “I knew she wasn't ready to let go and get it all out. Something was stopping her. I just hopped I was helping instead of hurting.

  That's what kept me up for a bit longer. She needed someone but she would not let me in yet. It was a sticky situation with the three of us.

  I fell asleep wondering what the next day would bring but Nat's alarm came so fast I didn't have much time to dream about it.

  I groaned when the sound hit me and I opened my eyes when I heard Nat call my name in a hushed voice.

  “Here, baby,” I said, rolling over to see Nat appear over us.

  “How do you feel?” I asked.

  “Little better,” she said. “What happened here?”

  She wasn’t suspicious just worried.

  “Do you still wanna come with me? If she kept you up, you should stay.”

  “She wasn't doing super great and I forced her to let me comfort her. Not sure it did any good but yeah. Oh and yes, I wanna come with you. I'll get dressed,” I said.

  I gingerly pulled my arms away from Olivia and rolled out of the bed, standing there to see if she woke. Her face changed a little with my absence and she tugged on the covers to hug them like they were me.

  “Come on baby,” Nat whispered. Her hand snuck into mine and her other hand led me away by the elbow to get changed in the other room.

  I went with Nat and found some clean clothes to change into. I dumped my dirty ones in the portable hamper we always took with us and slipped back into the other room to get my laptop and charger. Stuffing them in my bag, I met Nat at the door.

  “Ready,” I said.

  “Come on,�
�� Nat smiled, bleary-eyed and ready for the very slow process of waking up.

  We left the hotel and went straight to the waiting car. Nat must have made sure that they would pick us up.

  We got in and I scooted over the back seat until we were huddled together. I turned my body into hers and tucked my face into the side of her neck.

  “You smell good and we need coffee, much coffee,” I said.

  “Mmm,” she hummed, reaching to hug me to her more accurately. “We’ll get you coffee,” she crooned. I felt her lips kiss my forehead as she breathed me in.

  “Did you sleep okay? You were out pretty fast,” I said.

  “Yeah, I’m in one of those moods where a 48hr bout of unconsciousness might appease me,” she teased.

  “Maybe you'll get a few days off and it can be arranged,” I chuckled and thought of her sleeping through two days. “I could feed you in bed when you woke up.”

  “Mmm… You’re always tempting me with retirement,” she softly smiled.

  “Hey, I'm just saying. It could be fun,” I said smiling and feeling her skin move where my lips pressed against it.

  “I know, I’m close,” she said, still tired.

  “You can always just take a really long vacation. You're in demand though so they wouldn't let you go easily.”

  “It’s smarter for me to do as much as I can while I’m young,” she reminded.

  “Yes, it is. So, I'll just look forward to when we're like 50,” I sighed.

  We rode in silence the rest of the way, mostly because she was pretty much asleep. When we arrived on set I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

  “Baby,” I said.

  “Hm. Oh,” she said, getting ready to get out.

  I took her hand and scooted out of the car. The door had been opened for us.

  The hair and makeup trailer was just a few hundred feet away, through a gate that had been set up.

  We made our way through the gate, past security, and into the trailer slowly. It was warm inside and the lighting was too bright for my eyes.

  Nat greeted everyone and I gave a little wave while she let go of my hand and had a seat in one of the chairs.

  “Are you dirty again today?” I asked.

  “You know it,” she said.

  “That means I get to clean you up again later,” I teased.

  “Oh come on, you guys are too cute it's gonna make me vom,” said Thom, one of the hair and makeup artists.

  “Be nice,” Nat said, scolding him. “And you…” She motioned for me to come close with her finger. When I did she leaned in and kissed me, keeping me longer and rubbing it in with Thom near.

  I stayed close because I needed to be steadied after that kiss.

  “Your jealousy is showing, Thom,” I said.

  “Yeah, well I could never bring myself to be that cutesy,” he frowned.

  “Sucks to have hang-ups,” Nat said, rather flat.

  “Now, let’s see what we can do with this hair,” Thom muttered, ignoring Nat.

  “Um, I’m going to go get us some coffee,” I said.

  Before Thom could take over and occupy Nat’s space I slipped in and gave her a kiss.

  “Do you want anything to eat, a pastry or something?” I asked.

  “Too early,’ she said, licking her lips and staring at me sleepily. “Don't be too long.”

  “I’ll do my best,” I said.

  I looked at her one last time before leaving the trailer and going down the steps. The air was cool and the sun was far from making itself known. The only reason I could see was the lights that dotted the landscape.

  I headed toward the smell of coffee and ended up at the craft service area. The coffee they made was amazing and I knew exactly how Nat took hers. I lifted a few cups from the stack on the table and filled them most of the way.

  There was a whole refrigerated tray of different creamers. I put almond milk and cinnamon in mine and cream, sugar, and cinnamon in hers. There was a tray of bagels and croissants on the next table.

  I picked up a few just in case Nat changed her mind. She really needed to eat something before she went all morning in front of the camera. I slipped the croissants into some napkins and walked back toward the trailer I came from.

  Sleeping in the same bed with Olivia was different. She only relaxed when she fell asleep but she smelled so good. Being close to her made me feel a little guilty.

  I took the steps back to the trailer door and sighed. Maybe talking to Nat about it would be a good idea.

  When I got inside Nat was facing away from the mirror and she perked up when I entered.

  “Got a few croissants just in case you decided you could eat,” I said, handing her the coffee I’d made for her.

  “Nothing for me?” Thom frowned.

  “Oh, sorry, I didn’t think to ask. I guess I can go back,” I said.

  “Don’t bother,” he answered.

  “Thanks baby,” Nat whispered sweetly.

  “Welcome,” I said.

  I avoided looking at Thom and just sat the napkins on the little table beside me. He was making her look like she’d run miles through a forest. She had smudges on her face, lines of fake blood on her cheek, and messy hair.

  “You look beautiful, marry me,” I said.

  I was half joking. I just wanted it to sound like I wasn’t quite serious.

  “What,” she said, eyes slowly checking me.

  I cleared my throat and my eyes flicked to Thom and back to Nat. He’d stopped what he was doing. I shouldn’t have said it. We’d never even talked about it much. It just slipped into my mind.

  “Marry me, please,” I said.

  She laughed a little, like we had some inside joke and she understood it now.

  “Okay baby,” she said. Maybe she did think I was just playing. Her response was too comfortable to be real, right?

  Was I playing?

  No. I wasn’t. It might have slipped out like that but thinking of it made me feel like jumping off my chair and running around with a flaming hula hoop.

  “Thom, can we have a second?” I asked.

  He rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Only if I get the details later,” he said.

  I watched him put down his comb and walk away, exiting the trailer and leaving us alone.

  I left my seat and got on my knees in front of her.

  “I’m serious right now,” I said.

  “Hey,” she said, taking my hands and leaning forward. “If this is about Olivia you don't have to be nervous like that.”

  “It’s not about that. It’s about us. I know it’s a subject we haven’t brought up. Do you want to marry me though?” I asked, feeling small.

  “Babe. To me we're already there,” she said.

  “Oh,” I said, biting my lip and taking a deep breath.

  I could feel a tear threatening to come out.

  “But. If you want to,” she said. Tears springing to her eyes as she happily laughed. “Of course I will.”

  “Only if it’s something you want. I didn’t really think it was that important to me but the thought of it makes me feel all of the happy feelings I can’t describe, which sounds kind of hokey. I don’t mean anything big. Just us saying forever,” I said.

  “Okay,” Nat sniffed, tears tumbling. “Ah fuck,” she said realizing her makeup was getting smudged.

  “Sorry, I should have picked a better time,” I said, with a smile.

  “No. It's good,” she smiled through tears. “I just wish we could stay in bed all day now. Honey,” she nearly whined. I guess I'd really surprised her with my random sentiment. She couldn't stop crying.

  “Me too, I wish that most of the time though,” I laughed, grinning.

  I stood up and reached to wipe the tears away from her cheeks. I’d completely ruined her face now. Thom would have to start all over.

  “Baby, I love you,” I said, kissing her.

  “I know sweetie. I love you too.”

  I'd overwhelmed her with
it.

  “Can I come back? We’re on a schedule,” Thom said, sticking his head back in.

  “Sure,” I said, starting to cry myself.

  “Oh my god, what did you do to her?” He asked.

  “Um, nothing,” I said.