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  “How do you think it’ll be if Olivia finds a house?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?” Nat wondered.

  “We’ve never lived with anyone else, let alone an ex,” I said.

  “Are you worried?” Nat asked, looking back at me. “Olivia’s sweet. You shouldn't worry.”

  “I’m not worried. I’m just wondering what it’s going to be like. I’m only used to you. It’ll be interesting.”

  “She reads a lot and cooks,” Nat said. “And we have no idea how long she'll want to stay so who knows. She could be leaving tomorrow and we wouldn't know until it happened.”

  “True but that cooking thing does sound good. I guess we just have to play it by ear,” I said.

  She felt amazing against me and I was already sad that it wouldn’t last. I pushed that away and concentrated on having here now. I’d worry about tomorrow when it came.

  14

  (Olivia)

  The night was still young and I wasn’t tired so much as I was done with being looked after and policed.

  Avery was sweet as all hell but she was too worried about my welfare and that definitely made me feel pathetic. In my normal world, feeling pathetic just came with the territory. But no one there knew how I felt about myself, not like here.

  The nicer Avery is to me the more I know she feels sorry for me.

  She’d made me tea before slipping out, placing it right in front of me where I rested. When I’d noticed her near me I opened my eyes to see the clean cup steaming and waiting for my lips and my hands. I barely had time to lift my head up and notice her before she slipped out of the room and hid herself away.

  Our bookstore time just endeared me to her. Her novel helped with that too but, moreover, it turned me on and made me jealous. Nat had a new life now. A new life with a sexy woman much better for her than I was.

  The two of them were like high school kids. All it did was remind me of Natalie and I, the way we’d been. They were purer of course, like mild honey. More put together, more grateful. Avery was a lot of positive things that I could never alter myself to resemble.

  Patient. Sweet. Genuine. Not at all awkward or unkind.

  The list I was making drew several sharp pins into my body. Every trait left me a little more bogged down in defeat. My dreams of Natalie were all fruitless here. And I’d spent so so long dreaming.

  I sipped my tea in the sexily dim hotel room and wondered how I was going to fix myself and find happiness again.

  While I sat, my phone buzzed and buzzed, filling up with notices and notifications; overfilling like a river burst.

  Dear Olivia Holbrook,

  Have you given any thought to…

  And:

  Olivia. Do you happen to know where we put the…

  And:

  The deadline is coming up Olivia. We’ve never done this without you before. What the hell are you thinking just leaving. I just heard.

  And:

  Have you gone away? You didn’t say...

  And then there was Farrow, ever the charming one, always so gallant with his cards so so close to his chest:

  Olivia,

  I hope you’re feeling well. It’s been ages since you’ve taken a vacation. Nobody deserves it as much as you but you are sorely missed. Let me know if I can do anything for you at all.

  Farrow Ho-Hunturguard

  As my messages filled and filled, I caught the small abridged version of each. Ignoring them was the hardest. I was always so good at getting back to people immediately. It was one of the things I usually excelled at, received gratification from.

  An empty inbox. An empty mailbox. An empty list so that my mind could, at the very least, breathe. But I needed to learn how to breathe without my shit all in its proper place. I’d built a castle from nothing and I never stopped to think: but maybe I’d be happier without a wild needy kingdom...

  For several reasons, my mind was on fire. I felt dead inside, potentially helpless.

  But then, one message, I couldn’t ignore.

  Mom: Olivia? Is everything alright? I’ve gotten several calls about you today. Mostly people are looking for you and they don’t know where you are. They were all polite, of course.

  Olivia: Just went on a trip. No worries.

  It wasn’t my mother’s business how well I did with my own thriving business. None of it even mattered anyway. I had more savings than I knew what to do with, so much in stocks I could gamble millions away and never feel an ache.

  Mom: Is it a business trip?

  Olivia: I’m in Canada. Visiting Natalie.

  Mom: Natalie… I didn’t know you still spoke.

  Olivia: We ran into each other at a gala a couple weeks ago.

  Mom: Was that on purpose?

  Olivia: No.

  My eyes blurred and my hand burned lightly on the mug Avery had given me. I let the heat of the ceramic object sting my skin. When it got to be too much, I put the cup down.

  Time moved slowly here. Ignoring my life left me open to all the thoughts I’d been pushing away. I thought about reading but knew it was probably stupid of me to like it so fiercely.

  What did that say? That I wanted to read about the two women I envied so much? Was I that fucking sad?

  My body ached from the long plane ride with little movement or relief, and the car rides with Avery, and the hard seat I had sat in across from her at that cafe. I stretched out on the couch, imagining the way they must be together right now in the bathroom. Natalie loved a long bath. She loved to be pet and adored. I’m sure I excited them somehow, added some new spice to old things. And did I want that? Did I want to be driving them closer, right now?

  “What’s wrong with me…” I said, the silence; a madness all its own.

  Reluctant, but overly interested, I pulled the book over to my body again and started to read it.

  There wasn’t a man in town who would leave me alone once the scandalous news was spread. Every home spoke whispers of my tawdry personal life, the things I wanted to be secret and safe…

  A few pages later, the sight of Nat before me nearly shook me awake.

  “That good huh?”

  “Uh-oh- um. Yeah,” I laughed, nervous about it. “I just- didn’t hear you come out.”

  “That’s okay,” she smiled. “I think I’m gonna sleep now. Are you okay out here? I know I wasn’t too social tonight.”

  The room was a suite with two beds nowhere near one another.

  Thank god.

  If I was sleeping beside them I probably wouldn’t breathe, let alone pass out into slumberland.

  Natalie, before me, was a vision.

  “Yeah. I’m good,” I said, noticing her skin and how beautiful she was without all that pampered hair and unnecessary makeup. I could smell her skin from where I sat and it hurt my throat to remember the taste of her. My thirst made me a desert. She was so close but no longer my person. I wondered if she could sense it, my inner thoughts. The way I craved her and needed her. The way I’d put off talking to her, seeing her, smelling her, being anywhere near.

  I held my breath.

  “Okay,” she said, like maybe she wanted to ask me something but didn’t know how. Her eyes trailed down to the floor and then back up again, catching mine before decidedly turning away. “G’night Livia.”

  “Good night,” I said quickly. I had to wait until she completely crossed the room to let myself breathe.

  There was no door on their room. I’d have to be careful to not make much noise, not that I was being loud. I just didn’t like thinking about bothering them. Already, I felt a nuisance. Maybe tomorrow I’d rent a car in town, really remove myself from their environment.

  Natalie said I was invited but I kept getting this feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be here.

  And then there was the truth of me, I needed some fixing, I was aware of it now. What kind of person works and works without satisfaction? Daydreaming about the person they left until they’re no longer a friend i
n their life but a stranger they can’t talk to? It wasn’t like I didn’t crave romantic interaction. It was all I thought about, her fingers, her face, the way her lips curled and pursed.

  I rubbed my face and thought about actually screaming. I put myself in a place I probably shouldn’t be in a desperate attempt to break my self-made cycle of inadequacy.

  My demons may not be my own fault but I’d inflicted them upon others. Natalie got the absolute worst of me.

  Thinking about it now made my windpipes choke and stutter. I got up and walked into the kitchen, pouring a glass of whiskey from the minibar and drinking it rather quickly.

  My eyes stung with the tears that wanted to flood out of me. Luckily, chlorine made my eyes look tired and slightly red anyway, so no one would guess. No one but Nat, and she was already gone. It was dark in the kitchen. Dark and quiet like my stupid stupid mind.

  I could call Farrow but why? So he’d fly all the way out and I’d fuck him and end up feeling more dead inside?

  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

  And that’s never enough.

  You can’t take back the stupid things you’ve done because you’re not made like everyone else.

  I don’t want you baby…

  How many time had I said such impeachable things?

  The ice in my glass settled, shaking me.

  I remembered my book. The promise of something else to think about. And I wanted those thoughts instead.

  All I ever did was hurt people and I didn’t want that. I just sucked at being present and near.

  “Hey, do you mind if I sit over here for a bit and write?” Avery asked.

  She stood in front of me with a laptop in one hand and a pair of thick, black glasses on her face.

  “Not at all,” I said, aware that she probably hadn’t seen me down that whiskey a second ago.

  I cleared my throat carefully and looked around for anything I could eat or drink to mask the strong smell.

  I looked over at her, carefully.

  I honestly didn’t think it was possible that I could be attracted to someone in a way that even came close to equaling my feelings for Natalie.

  Avery hadn’t been in my life for more than a handful of days strung together but she was really eating at me.

  “Thanks, I just don't want to disturb Nat,” she said.

  She sat at the little desk and opened her computer. She clicked a few things on the trackpad and then started typing.

  Her fingers moved quickly across her keyboard and she was soon absorbed in the world of her own creation.

  I stared awhile, completely caught up in her. She was even more attractive all serious and intense. From the kitchen I just watched, wondering.

  “I’m um. I’m gonna order some food. Would you want something?”

  It felt wrong to interrupt her but it would be fucked up to not offer if I was going to have food.

  Her head turned slowly toward me and she kept typing for a second after she looked away from the screen.

  “Yeah, sure! Anything sounds good. I'm not picky right now,” she said, pushing her glasses up and smiling at me.

  “Okay,” I laughed. It was hard to keep the smile off of me. She had this contagious joy. And well… She was five hundred times more beautiful when she smiled.

  I walked over to the couch and started to flip through the room service menu. There was actually a lot worth trying. Have to give it to Canada.

  I picked up the hotel phone and ordered a few things. Then the waiting game started. It took everything in me not to place myself behind Avery on the bed and just spy.

  The book was good. I could settle for the book.

  I bit my bottom lip, laid down again and tried to get lost in the story. But Avery’s typing was almost fierce. I had been sort of glued. The pattern of the key clicks. The pauses she’d take. How silent she was.

  Do you even breathe while you’re typing?

  I wanted to ask her but I couldn’t.

  I tried not to stare.

  Minutes went by like this, several minutes. I kept finding myself officially staring at her.

  When the knock came at the door I barely had time to remember I’d ordered us food. Avery’s head was turning and I tried to jump up and pretend I hadn’t been watching her. In the ends I just sped off to open the door, dodging any chance she might have to confront me or question my gaze.

  “Yes. thank you,” I said, tipping the room-service man before he pushed in our cart.

  I hoped the knock hadn’t woken Natalie.

  In my fear, I peeked in on her through the open doorway and noticed she was out cold with no hope of rising. It gave me relief. We probably shouldn’t talk anyway, not until this project of hers was a little less demanding. I hadn’t come to derail anything. I thought this project was smaller, less of an everyday thing. Her projects used to be less limiting. Or was she just changed now? I couldn’t say.

  “Let us know if you need anything else.”

  “Thank you,” I said, bowing a little. An old habit from my parents and their weird polite ways. Other women didn’t do these stupid things. Bowing at serviceman, openly staring at beautiful girls.

  The man walked away and I noticed Avery had stood and come near.

  “I uh. I didn’t know he’d knock. I’m sorry,” I said. I should’ve just been waiting at the door.

  I approached the food and took the drink I’d gotten myself and then the salad.

  I started to walk back to the coffee table and set up to eat.

  “No problem. Nat’s out like a light apparently.”

  She followed me and lifted her head to look over my shoulder.

  “That looks good,” she said.

  “You want some?” I smiled, locking eyes. “I’ll have either, honestly. I just didn’t know what you’d like.”

  I’d gotten a salad and a steak dinner. Either sounded delicious.

  “I’d love the steak. I was trying to be good.”

  “We can split them,” she suggested, sitting beside me.

  I was a little nervous now, she’d come and sat down so close to me.

  “Um… Here,” I said, trying to fix our plates up and make them equal. My salad bowl was huge. “I dunno,” I laughed. “This is unbalanced.” I’d already taken about half of her steak and put it on the extra plate that was under my salad bowl.

  “It’s cool, I’m not worried about it. I just wanted to eat something so I wouldn’t be dying tomorrow morning. I get cranky and sick when I don’t eat,” she said, sliding a little closer.

  My smile was trying to take over my entire body at this point. I just faced forward and tried to keep my eyes on my food.

  “It’s good we got food then,” I said, making polite conversation.

  I began to eat my salad, try to lose myself a little. Of course I was failing, too self-conscious all of a sudden. “You- um. You seemed pretty intense over there.”

  “Did I?” She laughed and cut a piece of steak. “Hmm… I started a new book and I guess I’m really getting into it.”

  “New book, huh?” I reached for the large carafe of ice water and accidentally spilled it on the way to fill my glass. “Fuck,” I said, standing instantly and looking down. “Dammit…”

  I walked to the kitchen to get some napkins and come back. “Sorry,” I said, moving to clean it up. “You make me a little nervous.”

  My heart was pounding and I was trying not to look like a crazy person as I pushed the napkins around on the table to try and get everything clean. “’Cause I like you,” I said.

  Hopefully I wouldn’t have to say much more about that.

  “Aww, that sucks. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you nervous. I like you too and you’re sweet. I’m kind of curious though. Why nervous? I don’t intimidate you or anything, right?”

  “You’re just… Really pretty and really sweet,” I said, trying not to blush as I pushed my hair back out of my face and stood to take the wet napkins ove
r to the trash. It made me embarrassed to be saying such things.

  My foot hit the lever on the trash can and I stared down as the wet napkins fell inside.

  15

  (Avery)