Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader Read online

  OUTCOME: Activists are pushing the Chinese government to overhaul the health-care system, but so far little progress has been made.

  Charles Addams, creator of The Addams Family, got married in a pet cemetery.

  CULPRIT: Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA)

  GRAND SCHEME: Still reeling from their heavily criticized response to Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005, FEMA knew that all eyes were upon them during the 2007 wildfire season and wanted to reassure California citizens that they had everything under control. So on the afternoon of October 23, 2007, the agency informed the major news outlets of a press conference at their Washington, D.C., office…in 15 minutes. Reporters were also given a number to call, but it was a “listen only” line. During the conference (broadcast live on several cable news outlets), reporters asked deputy director Harvey Johnson, “Are you happy with FEMA’s response so far?” He replied, “I’m very happy with FEMA’s response so far.” Another asked, “Do you think FEMA has learned its lesson since Katrina?” Again, Johnson answered positively. That was the way the entire briefing went—not a single tough question, such as the reports of formaldehyde being present in trailers used to shelter those who’d lost their homes.

  EXPOSED! Many actual reporters smelled a rat, and it didn’t take much digging to discover that the press conference was staffed by FEMA employees posing as reporters. When the story broke, Johnson explained that his staff had to pull the ruse because no real reporters showed up (even though they were only given 15 minutes’ advance notice). Plus, he said, “We pulled questions from those we had been getting from reporters earlier in the day.”

  OUTCOME: Everyone from the White House to major media outlets was furious with FEMA’s tactics. Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said, “I think it was one of the dumbest and most inappropriate things I’ve seen since I’ve been in government. I have made unambiguously clear, in Anglo-Saxon prose, that it is not to ever happen again, and there will be appropriate disciplinary action taken against those people who exhibited what I regard as extraordinarily poor judgment.” In the end, a few reprimands were given, but no one was fired.

  Alaska is the only state whose name can be typed on a single keyboard row.

  POLITICAL ANIMALS

  Think your elected representative is a turkey? You’re not alone. From ancient to modern times, all kinds of critters have entered politics. And some have had been more popular than their human counterparts.

  INCITATUS

  The brief reign of Roman emperor Caligula (37–41 A.D.) was marked by eccentric behavior (some historians call it insanity), some of which involved Incitatus, his prize stallion. Caligula was a passionate racing fan, and Incitatus was the fastest horse in the Roman Empire. Caligula came to believe that his horse was victorious because he possessed not only speed, but also a high intelligence. The Emperor provided a house, furniture, and servants for Incitatus so that the horse could meet and entertain dignitaries. Sitting at Incitatus’s table, senators and nobles were forced to toast his health and respectfully speak to him about state business. Declared a full citizen of Rome, Incitatus was even given the title of Deputy High Priest. The horse got a hefty salary for “supervising” temples built in honor of the Emperor. The steed was even appointed senator, and he was in line for more high honors when real senators—tired of their emperor’s horsing around—helped assassinate Caligula in 41 A.D. Most historians say that Caligula’s appointment of a horse to public office was a sign of his progressive mental illness, but others believe Caligula was just humiliating his enemies in the Senate.

  PIGASUS

  During the 1968 presidential election, the United States was deeply divided over the war in Vietnam. That August thousands of antiwar activists gathered at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago to protest. Among them were members of the Youth International Party, or “Yippies.” They bought a young boar at a local farm (folk singer Phil Ochs paid for it), named him Pigasus the Immortal, and made him their candidate for president. On August 23, with great media fanfare, Yippie leader Jerry Rubin stood in front of the Chicago Civic Center and announced Pigasus’s candidacy. Along with the nomination, Rubin was about to announce the pig’s first press conference, where (according to Rubin) Pigasus would not only answer reporter’s questions but also demand a White House foreign policy briefing. But before Rubin could say anything, Chicago cops converged on the news conference and arrested him and his friends on charges of disorderly conduct and bringing livestock into the city. As for Pigasus, photos show policemen surrounding the captured candidate—right before they took him to the local humane society. (He was later adopted by members of the commune known as the Hog Farm.)

  Chronic alcoholism shrinks the left side of the brain.

  CACARECO

  The saying that politicians need to be thick-skinned might explain why this female rhinoceros won Sao Paulo, Brazil’s 1958 city council election in a landslide. With a population of well over three million, the city suffered from such problems as unpaved streets, open sewers, food shortages, and rampant inflation, but officials had ignored them for years. When the city council elections were held, local college students decided to run a protest campaign and picked Cacareco, who lived in the Sao Paulo Zoo, as their candidate. (Part of the attraction might have been that her name means “garbage” in Portuguese.) In all, 540 candidates—including many well-known incumbents—participated in the election, but voters were so eager to embarrass the failed city government that Cacareco won easily with a spectacular 100,000 votes. And even though the city hastily disqualified her from serving, Cacareco’s win made news around the world. “Better a rhinoceros than an ass,” a voter explained, and the quote made Time magazine. Cacareco’s election left a legacy: Today in Brazil, a protest vote is still known as a voto Cacareco.

  WHAT’S IN YOUR LIPSTICK?

  In 2006 the U.S. Food and Drug Administration revised its rules for the manufacture of beauty products such as hairspray and lipstick. From now on, beauty companies are forbidden to use any cow brains in their products…at least from older cattle. The brain parts taken from younger cows, however, are still allowed.

  Bolivia’s 4,000-man navy has never patrolled the Bolivian coastline. (Bolivia doesn’t have a coast.)

  AFTER THE OLYMPICS

  The Olympics can turn an unknown athlete into an international star overnight. But then what? For most, there are no professional leagues to join. So what do they do?

  Athlete: Mark Spitz

  Event: Swimming (1972)

  Story: Spitz won two gold medals in the 1968 Olympics, but going into the 1972 Games, he told a reporter he planned on winning six more golds. He didn’t—he won seven, a single-Games record that stood until 2008. Not only that, but all of his winning times in those seven swimming events (100m and 200m freestyle, 100m and 200m butterfly, and three four-man relays) were new world records.

  After: The 22-year-old swimmer became an overnight sensation—he appeared on magazine covers, posters, and advertisements, often striking risqué poses while clad in only his Speedo (and mustache). Then he went into show business, playing a paramedic on the medical drama Emergency! and reportedly making the short list to host the 1973 Academy Awards, despite the fact that he had never made a movie (or hosted a live TV show). There was even speculation that he might be the next James Bond. In 1974 Spitz decided he didn’t like acting and started a successful motivational speaking company. In 1992 he attempted to make the U.S. swim team for the Olympics in Barcelona, Spain…and almost did. At age 42, his times in the trials were actually better than they’d been in the 1972 trials. But the level of competition had increased so much in the previous 20 years that Spitz wasn’t fast enough to make the team. Still, he was the last swimmer cut.

  Surveys show: One in three British kids say their mum prefers the cat to their dad.

  Athlete: Bruce Jenner

  Event: Decathlon (1976)

  Story: Jenner played football in col
lege, but switched to track and field because he felt that football was too physically draining. His event: the decathlon, which consists of 10 individual events: 100m, 400m, and 1500m runs, 110m hurdles, javelin, pole vault, discus, high jump, long jump, and shot put. Jenner won the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics, setting a record high score, and as he ran a victory lap, he carried an American flag handed to him by a fan. It became one of American sports’ most iconic images.

  After: Completely dominating what is considered one of the most grueling and difficult sporting events made Jenner an instant celebrity. Helping matters were Jenner’s movie-star good looks, which he took, naturally, to Hollywood. It didn’t go so well—after turning down a chance to star in the movie version of Superman, he co-starred with the Village People in the musical Can’t Stop the Music (considered by many critics to be one of the worst movies of all time) and spent half a season on the TV police drama CHiPs filling in for Erik Estrada, who was in a contract dispute. More recently, Jenner has become a regular on TV reality shows and game show “celebrity” editions, including Skating with Celebrities, Family Feud, I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here, and The Weakest Link. He currently co-stars on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which follows Jenner, his second wife Kris Kardashian, and his children and stepchildren.

  Athlete: Dick Fosbury

  Event: High jump (1968)

  Story: Before Fosbury, the usual method of performing the high jump was to run straight to the bar, then jump over it, with legs spread, either front-to-back or side-to-side. Fosbury found that he was too tall to successfully execute it, so he worked on a new method. When Fosbury went up, he ran to the bar at a curve, then jumped over the bar backwards, landing on his back. The curved run allowed for more power and leverage in the jump, and the backwards landing let him focus all of his energy on the jump because he didn’t have to worry about a soft landing. He won the gold medal.

  After: Not many athletes can say they completely revolutionized their sport. Today, his method—nicknamed the “Fosbury Flop” by a sportswriter—is the only way athletes attempt the high jump.

  If a young Tiriki man (Kenya) offers beer to a woman and she spits some of it into his mouth, they are engaged to be married.

  Athlete: Nadia Comaneci

  Event: Gymnastics (1976)

  Story: The 14-year-old Romanian was the first gymnast ever to score a perfect 10.0 from all seven judges. She won three gold medals in 1976. (She came in second in the individual all-around in 1980, by less than one-tenth of a point.) She won golds on the beam (1976 & ’80) and floor exercise (1980), for a career medal count of five gold, three silver, and one bronze.

  After: Comaneci returned to Romania and trained Olympic hopefuls. But in 1989 she defected to the United States and in 1996 married gymnast Bart Conner. Comenaci now coaches gymnastics in Norman, Oklahoma, writes for International Gymnast, and provides commentary during gymnastics TV broadcasts.

  Bonus: Comaneci was so popular that she inspired a hit song. ABC used the theme song from The Young and the Restless as music for showing much-repeated montages of her perfect routine. It was renamed “Nadia’s Theme” and became a Top 10 hit in late 1976.

  Athlete: Greg Louganis

  Event: Diving (1988)

  Story: Louganis first competed in the 1976 Games at age 16, winning a silver medal in 10m platform diving. The U.S. boycotted the 1980 Games (held in the communist USSR), but Louganis returned in 1984 with record-setting scores in both the 10m platform dive and 3m springboard dive. Amazingly, he won the gold medal again in both events at the 1988 Games in South Korea with even better scores than before. But what really made Louganis famous was a slipup: During a dive in a preliminary round, he leapt off the board, did a midair flip, came back down…and smashed his head on the diving board. Louganis suffered a concussion, but still won the gold medal.

  After: Louganis retired from diving after the 1988 games and became a spokesman for several nonprofit groups, raising awareness of depression and domestic violence, both of which he’d suffered. In 1994 Louganis made news with the announcement that he was homosexual. The following year he wrote his autobiography, Breaking the Surface, a #1 bestseller for five weeks. The book created a controversy with the revelation that Louganis was HIV positive, and had been so during his Olympics accident—which had spilled some of his blood into the pool. (None of his competitors became infected as a result.) Since then, he’s been a TV announcer at diving events, acted in the Broadway play Jeffrey, and competed with his Jack Russell Terriers in dog agility competitions.

  DOING A RATNER

  Ever had one of those moments when you realize, immediately after you’ve said something, that you just said exactly the wrong thing? It’s a terrible feeling. But when the CEO of a big company does it…it’s hilarious.

  THE £500 MILLION MAN

  Founded in 1949, Ratners became one of Great Britain’s top jewelry chains by selling bargain-priced rings, watches, and glassware. Gerald Ratner was the company’s 42-year-old CEO in 1991, having joined the family business when he was 18. Under him, Ratners grew into one of Britain’s largest chains and acquired numerous other jewelry chains, including Kay Jewelers in the United States. Life was good for Gerald Ratner…until April 1991, when he gave a speech at the Institute of Directors (a kind of a CEO think tank) and said this:

  “We do cut-glass sherry decanters complete with six glasses on a silver-plated tray, all for £4.95. People say, ‘How can you sell this for such a low price?’ I say, because it’s total crap.”

  He went on to say that Ratners earrings were “cheaper than a prawn sandwich, but probably won’t last as long.” Ratner was obviously joking—and he didn’t know any media would be covering the event. But they were, and the speech was widely reported in the British media. The self-inflicted wound so damaged the Ratners brand name that in less than a year the company plunged in value from £1 billion to £500 million. Ratner was fired; the company changed its name to the Signet Group. Since then, when executives get caught saying something stupid about their own company, the corporate world has a special phrase to describe it: They’re said to be “doing a Ratner”—and it happens a lot.

  RATNER: Allen Roses, the vice president in charge of genetics for pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline addressed a medical convention in 2003. “Over 90% of drugs only work on 30 to 50% of people,” he said. Media analysts pointed out Roses’ implication that most of GlaxoSmithKline’s products don’t work for most people.

  RESULT: The corporation responded that Roses’ remarks “were misinterpreted.”

  Squeezeboxer: The accordion was patented by Albert Faas of Philadelphia in 1854.

  RATNER: Matt Barrett, the CEO of Barclays Bank, a British financial services company, was called to testify at a 2003 Parliament hearing about interest rates (Barclays was charging 17.9%—double that of their competitors). Barrett was asked if he himself uses credit cards. His answer: No, he doesn’t, because “it’s too expensive.” Not only does Barrett not use them, but he admitted that he actively warns his own family not to use them. “I have four young children. I give them advice not to pile up debts on their credit cards.”

  RESULT: Barrett was reprimanded by Barclays, right? No, he was promoted to chairman.

  RATNER: An Orlando man known only as “James” missed a concert in Atlanta because his Spirit Airlines flight was delayed. He wrote a letter to several Spirit employees asking to be reimbursed $377 for the cost of the flight, parking, hotel, and concert tickets. No one responded, so James wrote directly to CEO Ben Baldanza (and cc’ed his other contacts at the company). Seeing all the names on the e-mail, Baldanza assumed that it was an internal company memo and hit “reply all” with this message, which went to James: “We owe him nothing. Let him tell the world how bad we are. He will be back when we save him a penny.”

  RESULT: Despite a firestorm of bad publicity, Baldanza managed to remain head of Spirit Airlines.

  RATNER: Anders Dahlvig, the pres
ident of IKEA furniture stores, told the Financial Times in 2001 that one of its biggest corporate struggles was the “appalling service” at its stores on weekends.

  RESULT: Dahlvig quickly amended his remarks to say that he wasn’t criticizing the company—he meant that IKEA is so successful that it has crowded stores, which keeps its employees very busy.

  RATNER: In July 2001, David Shepherd, head of the suit manufacturer TopMan, gave an interview to the trade journal Menswear. The reporter asked Shepherd to describe TopMan’s customer base. Shepherd’s response: “Hooligans, or whatever. Very few of our customers have to wear suits for work. [Our suits] will be for his first interview or first court case.”

  RESULT: The company’s stock only dropped a few points, then rebounded. (Their customer base apparently wasn’t offended.)

  Rats are not mentioned in the Bible.

  DON’T…

  “Don’t even think about skipping this page.” —Uncle John

  “Don’t ask the barber whether you need a haircut.”

  —Daniel Greenberg

  “Don’t take advice from people with missing fingers.”

  —Henry Beard

  Don’t approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.

  —Yiddish proverb

  “Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.”

  —Mark Twain

  “Don’t stay in bed…unless you can make money in bed.”

  —George Burns

  “Don’t do what you would undo if caught.”