Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader Read online

  —Leah Arendt

  “Don’t take any class where you have to read Beowulf.”

  —Woody Allen

  “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they’re always watching you.”

  —Robert Fulghum

  “Don’t ever confuse the two—your life and your work.”

  —Anna Quindlen

  “Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity.”

  —Ray Bradbury

  “Don’t lose your head. It’s the best part of your body.”

  —Jimmy Snyder

  “Don’t do what you want—do what you don’t want. Do the things that scare you the most.”

  —Chuck Palahniuk

  “Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.”

  —Homer Simpson

  “Don’t trust a sane person.”

  —Lyle Alzado

  “Don’t ever write anything you don’t like yourself and if you do like it, don’t take anyone’s advice about changing it. They just don’t know.”

  —Raymond Chandler

  “You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.”

  —John Mason

  The Yale Book of Quotations’ most memorable quote of 2007: “Don’t tase me, bro!”

  THE BIG BROTHER FILES

  It seems like the government intrudes into our lives more and more. Thank goodness there’s still one room in the house where you can shut the door and feel that your privacy is secure (for now, anyway).

  WAKE-UP CALL

  In June 2008, police in Lakeville, Minnesota, walked into a house at 3 a.m., went upstairs to the homeowner’s bedroom, woke him up—and told him that he had left his front door unlocked and his garage door open. The officers had been walking the streets, putting notices on people’s doors reminding them to lock their doors so strangers couldn’t break into their houses…and just let themselves in when they found the door unlocked. The homeowner, Troy Molde, whose two sons were also in the house, was outraged, telling reporters that he felt violated. The officers said they were performing a “public service.”

  FREE PRESS?

  On May 15, 2006, veteran ABC News reporters Richard Esposito and Brian Ross reported on ABC’s “The Blotter” Web site that they’d received a call from a senior federal law enforcement official. The official, who requested anonymity, said, “It’s time for you to get new cell phones, quick.” Why? The government was tracking their calls. The CIA and the FBI, the reporters said, were upset about stories they had done and were trying to determine if any of their sources were from inside either of the two organizations.

  BEAT YOUR CHILDREN WELL

  A 14-year-old girl was in court with her parents in Brownsville, Texas, in April 2008. The judge, Gustavo Garza, told the girl’s father, Daniel Zurita, that he was going to find the girl guilty of criminal truancy and fine her $500…unless Zurita spanked his daughter with a large, heavy paddle that the judge kept nearby—right there in the courtroom. Zurita thought he didn’t have a choice, so he hit the girl on the butt with the paddle. The judge told him he hadn’t hit her hard enough, so he paddled her again. The Zuritas later filed a lawsuit against the judge. (But another judge ruled that Garza was immune from lawsuits.)

  In 874 King Charles the Bald granted independence to Barcelona under Count Wilfred the Hairy.

  THE EYE ON THE POLE

  In 2006 the United Kingdom instituted an “Automatic Number Plate Recognition” (ANPR) program, a massive surveillance system consisting of cameras on the nation’s roads. Cameras able to register the license plates of passing cars at the rate of one per second were placed every 400 yards on all of Britain’s major motor-ways. They record how fast the cars drive and whether the vehicles are registered. In addition, they can find people who are wanted by the law—and keep track of the driving habits of ordinary people who are driving perfectly legally. The ANPR includes the compilation of a “24x7 national vehicle movement database,” a log of the movement of every single vehicle on the U.K.’s major roads, which is kept in the database for two years (so they say).

  THE THIN BLUE LINE

  In 2006 the University of Chicago performed a study that looked into reports of police abuse in the city. Findings: Between 2002 and 2004, more than 10,000 abuse claims had been filed by citizens against Chicago police officers, but only 19 had resulted in what the report called “meaningful disciplinary action,” meaning a suspension of at least seven days. Possible reason: Police abuse claims are investigated…by the police department. “If the CPD investigated civilian crime in the same way it investigates police abuse,” said law professor Craig Futterman, who headed the study, “they’d never solve a case.” Police spokesman Patrick Camden said, “We don’t respond to studies.”

  THE NAME POLICE

  An Italian court ruled in December 2007 that a couple in the city of Genoa had to change their 15-month-old son’s name from Venerdi, the Italian word for “Friday,” to “Gregory.” Italian law stipulates that odd names must be reported by city officials to the federal government, and they ruled that the name Venerdi was “ridiculous” and “shameful.” Why “Gregory?” Because the boy was born on the day of the Feast of St. Gregory. (Italy is 90 percent Catholic.) The parents later appealed the case—but lost. “My son was born Friday, baptized Friday, will call himself Friday, we will call him Friday, but when he gets older he will have to sign his name Gregory,” said the boy’s mother. “I am livid about this!”

  Smallest rodent: the African pygmy mouse (7g). Largest: the South American capybara (100 lb.).

  BATHROOM NEWS

  All the latest from the news stream…

  HOUSTON, WE HAVE A REALLY BIG PROBLEM

  What do the residents of the International Space Station do when their only toilet breaks? They improvise. Fortunately, it was only the urinal (the “#2” unit still worked). After the fan that sucks away the urine malfunctioned (Ewww!), the ISS team had to improvise a manual flushing system that took two crew-members about 10 minutes per flush to perform. Luckily, the Space Shuttle Discovery was only two weeks away from launching when the malfunction occurred in May 2008, so the new crew brought an extra pump unit along with them. When the toilet was finally fixed, the occupants were relieved. “Like any home anywhere, the importance of having a working bathroom is obvious,” said a NASA spokesman.

  A SENSORLESS CRIME

  A Taiwanese car mechanic named Wang Chi-sheng was arrested after he was caught breaking into a gas station bathroom to steal the automatic hands-free urinal sensor. He told the police that he had planned to use the sensor to “improve” his Mercedes-Benz. According to press reports, the officers laughed at him. And just in case anyone else wants to try the same thing, a Mercedes official stated that “the probability of successfully using a sensor from a public urinal to replace special factory-made sensors is zero.” He added that an improperly installed urinal sensor could—in the worst-case scenario—cause the car to explode.

  IT’S IN THE BAG

  According to complaints made to their union, 25 male field technicians for Qwest, a telecommunications company in the western United States, were told by a supervisor in Montrose, Colorado, to bring “urine bags” out to the job to cut down on “lengthy bathroom breaks” (the workers generally go all the way back to the garage to do their business). The union claims the workers were ordered to use the bags; the company counters that there’s no set policy—the bags are simply provided for the workers’ convenience, should they need them.

  In Japan, you can buy Stick-on Belly-Button Cleaners. A box of six sells for $6.15.

  DOWN THE DRAIN

  When the euro took over as Europe’s official currency in 2002, many people believed—incorrectly—that their old money would be worthless. A man in Berlin, Germany, believed it…and flushed 60,000 Deutsche marks down his toilet. When informed that he could have exchanged the cash for about 30,000 euros ($37,000 U.S.), the man
(his name was withheld—wouldn’t you want yours withheld if you were him?) called the city public works department and begged them to retrieve his money for him. The workers had to go out to the man’s street anyway…because the sewer line was clogged with his money. After working for hours, they were able to pull some of the man’s cash from the sewage, which he then painstakingly dried and cleaned before exchanging it.

  JUST PLANE RUDE

  In February 2008, as a JetBlue red-eye flight from San Diego to New York was boarding, a standby passenger named Gokhan Mutlu was informed that the plane was full. But a flight attendant offered to let him sit in her assigned seat; she would sit in the “jump seat,” which folds down from the inside wall of the plane. So Mutlu settled into seat 2E and was happily on his way. But about 90 minutes in, the pilot called the dozing passenger to the front and informed him that the flight attendant was uncomfortable in the jump seat. She needed 2E. And because it was against regulations for a passenger to sit in the jump seat, Mutlu would have to sit in the bathroom…for the rest of the flight. Mutlu protested but (according to him) the captain said, “This is my plane, under my command, and you should be grateful for being on board.” (Mutlu also claimed that while they argued, the flight attendant sat in his seat pretending to be asleep.) So what could Mutlu do? He spent the remaining three hours in the bathroom, with no way to strap himself in during turbulence. As he was deplaning, he says the pilot told him, “I don’t think you appreciate what I did for you.” Mutlu replied, “You locked me in the bathroom.” To which the pilot said, “I brought you home.” At last report, Mutlu was suing JetBlue for $2 million.

  The okapi is the only known relative of the giraffe (its neck is much shorter).

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Here’s one of our regular features—the origins of some common phrases.

  APPLE OF MY EYE

  Meaning: One’s beloved

  Origin: “It was once believed that the pupil was a vital spot in the human anatomy. Early healers thought it was apple-shaped, and so it became known as the ‘apple of the eye.’ Because the pupil was considered as vital as life itself, it became customary to call the object of one’s affection ‘the apple of my eye.’” (From Common Phrases and Where They Come From, by Myron Korach)

  SPITTING IMAGE

  Meaning: A lookalike or exact replica

  Origin: “Long ago the phrase referred to a son who looked so much like his father, it was said that the boy had been ‘spit from his father’s mouth.’ Over time, the expression was altered and modified to ‘spit and image’ and then to ‘spitting image.’” (From Cat Got Your Tongue, by Daniel J. Porter)

  WHAT THE DICKENS?

  Meaning: “What the heck?”

  Origin: “It has nothing to do with English novelist Charles Dickens—Shakespeare had made use of the phrase much earlier in The Merry Wives of Windsor. (Mrs. Page says of Falstaff, ‘I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.’) In those times the word ‘dickens’ was used in preference to ‘devil,’ which was considered impolite.” (From Everyday Phrases, by Neil Ewart)

  TONGUE IN CHEEK

  Meaning: Being facetious or knowingly ironic

  Origin: “A contemptuous gesture common from at least the 18th century involved poking your tongue in your cheek. But because it was impossible to understand someone who spoke with their tongue in their cheek, ‘to put one’s tongue’ in one’s cheek came to mean ‘to speak insincerely.’” (From The Real McCoy: The True Stories Behind Our Everyday Phrases, by Georgia Hole)

  An erupting volcano can shoot ash as high as 30 miles into the atmosphere.

  TO HAVE A CRUSH

  Meaning: To be in (what at least feels like) love

  Origin: “It’s a distortion of the French word crèche, meaning ‘crib.’ To be ‘in a crèche,’ or to ‘have one’s own crèche,’ in 17th century France, meant you were so smitten with love that you were as helpless and irresponsible as an infant, or were crib-bound.” (From The Cat’s Pajamas, by Tad Tuleja)

  NO PAIN, NO GAIN

  Meaning: To improve, one must work hard

  Origin: “This dictum, long uttered by athletic coaches urging players to train harder, is far more ancient than most of them probably realize. Indeed, ‘Without pains, no gains,’ was in John Ray’s proverb collection of 1670. Some versions reinforce it by adding, ‘No sweat, no sweet.’” (From Southpaws and Sunday Punches, by Christine Ammer)

  PIPE DOWN

  Meaning: “Be quiet!”

  Origin: “In Britain’s Royal Navy, this was the last call of the day through the bosun’s pipe, a ship’s signaling whistle played by the bosun, or petty officer. There were numerous standard signals, and the one for lights-out and silence was called ‘pipe down.’ In ‘navalese’ the phrase became a forceful suggestion to the noisy or argumentative that they should shut up and be quiet.” (From To Coin a Phrase, by Edwin Radford and Alan Smith)

  STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE’S MOUTH

  Meaning: Verifiably accurate information

  Origin: “It has nothing to do with a horse speaking, of course. A horse’s age can more accurately be judged by looking at its teeth (which grow according to a strict system). So, if you were buying the horse, you would do better to look at the horse’s mouth than rely on any information about its age that the vendor might give you.” (From Why Do We Say…?, by Nigel Rees)

  Ammonia gets its name from the Egyptian god Amun.

  PARK ON AN ANGEL

  What’s the difference between good and evil? Proofreading. The following are excerpts from real church bulletins.

  “The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.”

  “When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.”

  “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

  “Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.”

  “Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.”

  “There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.”

  “Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.”

  “The third verse of ‘Blessed Assurance’ will be sung without musical accomplishment.”

  “The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’”

  “The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.”

  “The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.”

  “The Sunday Night Men’s Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.”

  “The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.”

  “Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!”

  “Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”

  In 2004 the Russian Orthodox Church officially ruled that playing chess is not a sin.

  TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD

  Real—and really punny—names of restaurants in the U.S. and Europe.

  Snacks Fifth Avenue

  Pony Espresso

  Lawrence of Oregano

  Pulp Kitchen

  Wiener Take All

  Chez When

  Relish the Thought

  Eaton Gogh

  The Hearty Boys

  Jonathan Livingston Seafood

  Boogie Woogie Bagel Boy

  Thai Foon

  Ein Stein

  Just for the Halibut

  Grill from Ipanema

&nbs
p; The Frying Dutchman

  Syriandipity

  Brew Ha Ha

  Adams Rib

  Crepevine

  Barnum and Bagel

  Latte Da

  Sacred Chow

  Miso Hapi

  Debbie Does Donuts

  Sea Señor

  Seoul Man

  Wok Around the Clock

  What Ales You

  The Wieners Circle

  Brewed Awakenings

  Legal Grounds

  Aesop’s Tables

  Men at Wok

  Lord of the Fries

  Dine One One

  The Codfather

  ThaiTanic

  Mustard’s Last Stand

  Custard’s Last Stand

  Pizza the Action

  Tequila Mockingbird

  Franks for the Memories

  Auntie Pastos

  Lox, Stock and Bagel

  Just Falafs

  The Boston Sea Party

  Peking Inn

  Pizza My Heart

  Nin Com Soup

  Pita Pan

  Marquis de Salade

  The bookkeeping terms “in the red” & “in the black” come from the colors of 12th-century abacuses.

  THE WISDOM OF THE GYPSIES

  “Gypsies,” or Roma, as many prefer to be called, are an ethnic group that originates from India, though for centuries Europeans assumed they were from Egypt (hence the name “gypsy,” from the latin word for “Egyptian”). In the late 19th century a writer named Charles Godfrey Leland formed a group called the Gypsy Lore Society. Their mission: to collect Roma folklore before the pressures of the rapidly modernizing world caused them to disappear forever. Here’s a sample of the information they collected.

  HEALTH TIPS

  • How to Cure the Common Cold: Take the dried, powdered lungs and livers of three frogs and stir them into a glass of alcohol (Uncle John recommends rum, tequila, or some other alcoholic spirit strong enough to mask the taste of the frog). Drink the alcohol, and when you’re finished, recite the following chant: “Frogs in my belly, devour what is bad! Frogs in my belly, show the evil the way out!”