Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ Read online

  MARK WAHLBERG AS DONNIE DARKO (Donnie Darko, 2001) The first actor tapped to play the troubled teenager was Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore), who had to turn down the role because of scheduling conflicts. Vince Vaughn auditioned, but at 30 he was too old to play a high-school student. Mark Wahlberg was then offered the part, but reportedly told director Richard Kelly that he would only play Darko with a lisp. Kelly said no, and Wahlberg was out. The lengthy casting process came to an end as soon as Jake Gyllenhaal showed up. According to co-star and co-producer Drew Barrymore: “Jake simply was Donnie Darko.”

  RUSSELL CROWE AS TYLER DURDEN (Fight Club, 1999) One of the film’s producers wanted Crowe to play Durden, the character who convinces the narrator to start a club for committing terrorist acts. That decision was put on hold while they looked for a director. The first choice was Peter Jackson, a fan of the original Chuck Palahniuk novel, but he’d already begun work on The Lord of the Rings. Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects) was sent the book but he didn’t even read it. The third choice, British director Danny Boyle (Trainspotting), was busy with other projects. When their fourth choice, David Fincher, finally signed on, he lobbied for Brad Pitt to play Durden. Leading the candidates to play the narrator were Matt Damon and Sean Penn. Instead, Fincher cast the lesser-known Edward Norton, impressed by his performance in The People vs. Larry Flynt. The female lead was offered to Renée Zellweger, but she declined due to the dark subject material. Cast instead: Helena Bonham Carter.

  Buy paint! Studies show artists have more lovers than people in other career fields.

  TOM CRUISE AS BENJAMIN BUTTON (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 2008) F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1922 short story about a man who ages in reverse spent decades in development. Jack Nicholson was the first actor considered for the role of Button, and that was back in the 1970s. Several director/actor teams subsequently signed on to the project but then opted out, including Frank Oz and Martin Short, Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise, and Ron Howard and John Travolta. Reason: The makeup effects were too difficult to do convincingly. Director Spike Jonze and screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (the team behind Being John Malkovich) were offered a shot at it, but they also said no. Thanks to improvements in digital effects, the story finally made it to the big screen in 2008 with David Fincher directing Brad Pitt in the lead, the duo’s third film together (after Se7en and Fight Club).

  CAMERON DIAZ AS BRIDGET JONES (Bridget Jones’s Diary, 2001) When the film adaptation of Helen Fielding’s novel was announced, many industry-watchers in the U.K. (including Fielding herself) hoped that British actresses Helena Bonham Carter or Kate Winslet would play Bridget. Winslet was busy with other movies, and Bonham Carter wasn’t interested in a romantic comedy. With those two out—and to the horror of British fans of the book—the producers picked rail-thin American Cameron Diaz to play the slightly overweight Jones. But the director, Sharon Maguire, wanted an unknown for the part. So she auditioned another American, Renée Zellweger, then best known for her roles in Jerry Maguire and Nurse Betty. “If you go with me and we get this wrong,” Zellweger told the director, “we are so busted.” The actress spent months perfecting her British accent and gained nearly 25 pounds for the role. It paid off: Zellweger was nominated for an Oscar and, perhaps more importantly, she received rave reviews in England.

  What did Princess Diana and H.G. Wells have in common? Both were high-school dropouts.

  STRANGE LAWSUITS

  These days it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are some real-life examples of unusual legal battles.

  The Plaintiff: Craig Clark Show, 49, from Portland, Oregon

  The Defendants: The Idaho State Police

  The Lawsuit: In 2009 Show was riding his motorcycle through Idaho when he was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. He could only watch helplessly as the cops searched through all of his stuff…including a Native American medicine bag that had been blessed by a medicine woman, who told him the bag had to remain closed or its powers of protection would run out. The police opened it…and Show’s life started going downhill (for one thing, he was charged with a DUI), so he sued the police for the destruction of the bag’s mystical properties, seeking $25,000 in damages.

  The Verdict: Perhaps there were protective powers in that bag—just before the court case was to begin in early 2010, Show fell seriously ill. The trial will resume after (and if) he recovers.

  The Plaintiff: Sherri Perper, 56, of Queens, New York

  The Defendant: Forum Novelties, a costume store

  The Lawsuit: Perper went to a Halloween party in 2008 wearing a clown costume that she bought from Forum Novelties. But she couldn’t quite figure out how to walk in the oversize clown shoes. At some point, she tripped and crashed to the floor. It may have seemed funny to her fellow partygoers, but Perper wasn’t laughing. In fact, she was in agony…and she blamed the shoes. According to her lawyer, she sustained “severe fracture injuries” to both of her legs. Claiming that the clown shoes were “defective and dangerous,” Perper is seeking unspecified monetary damages.

  The Verdict: Pending.

  The Plaintiff: Gabriela Nagy, of Toronto, Canada

  The Defendant: Rogers Wireless, a cellular phone company

  The Lawsuit: In 2006 Nagy set up a business phone with Rogers Wireless in her maiden name. A year later, her husband (not named in court documents) added Internet and land-line services to the account, for which he received a bill—in his name—that included all the calls made on her line. And he noticed that she’d called one particular number quite often. It turned out she was having an affair, and it was her boyfriend’s number. Result: Her husband divorced her. She also claimed she was too depressed to go to her $100,000-per-year job and was fired. Nagy is suing Rogers for $600,000 for not respecting her right to privacy.

  Sexism? Bad drivers? Men are 41% likelier than women to be stopped for speeding.

  The Verdict: Pending.

  The Plaintiff: John Brandrick, 62, from Cornwall, England

  The Defendant: Royal Cornwall Hospital (RCH)

  The Lawsuit: In 2005 Brandrick went to RCH complaining of acute abdominal pain and was told he had pancreatic cancer. He was given less than a year to live. Brandrick quit his job, stopped paying his mortgage, emptied his bank account, and bought lavish gifts and expensive meals for his loved ones. A year passed. Not only was Brandrick not dead, he felt great. He returned to RCH and was told that it wasn’t cancer after all…but pancreatitis, which had cured itself. Destitute, he sued RCH for negligence, but because he couldn’t afford a lawyer, he was hoping for a settlement.

  The Verdict: The case never made it to court. And it’s unclear whether Brandrick received any money from RCH.

  The Plaintiff: Marion V., a high-school teacher in Germany

  The Defendant: “Kim,” one of her 16-year-old students

  The Lawsuit: In early 2010, Mrs. V. walked into her classroom and saw that one of the students had drawn a bunny rabbit on the chalkboard. Deathly afraid of rabbits, Mrs. V. ran out of the room in terror. She was so upset that she couldn’t work for the remainder of the school year. Claiming “infringement of general personal rights,” Mrs. V. filed a civil complaint against Kim. Why Kim? Because she was the only one who knew of Mrs. V.’s phobia (she had attended another school where Mrs. V. taught, and a similar bunny-on-the-chalkboard incident occurred there in 2008).

  The Verdict: Case dismissed.

  The mimic octopus can change the shape and color of its body to look like a lionfish, sea snake, or flounder.

  THE PACKERS ARE

  IN HIS BLOOD

  Green Bay Packers fans are known for being among the most loyal and dedicated in the NFL. How dedicated? Since 1960, every game at Lambeau Field has sold out, and the waiting list for season tickets is estimated to be more than 100 years long. Here’s the story of one of the most dedicated “Cheeseheads” of them all.

  FAN FOR LIFE

  Jim Becker, who turned 80 in 2
010, has been going to Green Bay Packers games since his father took him to his first game in 1941, when he was 11. He was a Packers fan throughout his childhood, his teenage years, and into adulthood. He followed the team from afar while serving in the Korean War. Then, as soon as his military service ended, he was back at Lambeau Field. And that’s when real life began to intrude upon his love for his team.

  Becker married his sweetheart, Patricia, in 1952; their first child was born the following year. Another child soon followed, then another, then another. If you’ve ever tried to hustle up money for football tickets while raising just a couple of kids, you can imagine how difficult it must have been for Becker; he and his wife would eventually have 11 children. But Becker put his kids first: He refused to dip into the family’s budget to buy his Packers tickets.

  There must have been days when Becker despaired of ever seeing a game in person again, but not after he learned that blood banks paid cash to people who donated blood. Suddenly he had a source of funds: “They were paying $15 a pint, more than a game ticket,” he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. “I’d go four or five times a year and use the money to buy the tickets.”

  BLOOD SPORT

  For Becker, the blood bank really was a bank—whenever he needed money for football tickets, he gave more blood. He bought his tickets this way for the next 20 years: He was at Lambeau Field during the so-called “wilderness years” of the mid- to late 1950s, including the 1958 season, when the Packers went 1–10–1, their worst season ever. He was there for the glory years of 1959–1967, when Vince Lombardi coached the team to five championships in seven years, including victories in the first two Super Bowls. He was at the famous “Ice Bowl” NFL Championship Game of 1967, when the Packers beat the Dallas Cowboys 21–17 in –13°F weather (and a wind chill of –48°F), the coldest air temperature ever recorded at an NFL game. And he was there for the disappointing post-Lombardi years, when the Packers averaged only one winning season every four or five years. “A fan is somebody that follows a team win or lose,” he says.

  IRON MAN

  Buying football tickets with blood money was certainly a sign of dedication, but it seemed nothing more than that until 1975, when Becker had to give his family medical history as part of a company physical. Becker’s father had died in 1950 of a disease called hemochromatosis, in which iron accumulates in the body until it reaches toxic levels. Sufferers often show no signs of illness until it’s too late; Becker’s father seemed to be in fine health before he suddenly slipped into a coma and died at age 43.

  Hemochromatosis can be hereditary, the doctor explained to Becker, and tests were ordered to determine whether he had inherited the disease. Sure enough, he had. But he wasn’t sick, not at all, even though he was 45, two years older than his father was when the disease killed him. That didn’t make any sense…until the doctor explained that hemochromatosis is treated by bloodletting—removing blood on a regular basis to draw off the accumulated iron.

  SAFETY

  By then Becker had donated blood more than 145 times over the past 20 years. In so doing, he not only paid for all those Packers tickets, he saved his own life, spared his 11 children the fate of growing up without a father, and saved his wife from having to raise all those kids alone.

  He also found a measure of fame: In 2010 Becker beat out nine other finalists to be named the 12th inductee into the Green Bay Packers Fan Hall of Fame. At last report he was still donating blood three to four times a month, and still going to Packers games.

  Estimated value of all bets placed on the Super Bowl each year: $10 billion.

  BANK ERROR IN

  YOUR FAVOR

  When you’re playing Monopoly, it’s always fun to pick up the card that says, “Bank Error in Your Favor, Collect $200.” But what would you do if that happened to you in real life?

  Customer: Benjamin A. Lovell, 48, a $600-a-week salesman living with his mother in Brooklyn, New York

  Bank Error: Lovell went to his local Commerce Bank branch in December 2007 to deposit money into his account (estimated balance: $400). But the teller mistakenly accessed an account belonging to someone named Benjamin S. Lovell. And that account contained more than $5 million.

  What Happened: When the teller informed Lovell that “his” account had $5 million in it, he withdrew $10,000, probably just to see if he could. Then, over the next four weeks, he withdrew more money. Prosecutors say that by the time Lovell was arrested in February 2008, he’d withdrawn $2.1 million from the account, and had blown all but $500,000 of it on “bad investments, jewelry for a girlfriend, dental implants, vitamins, and colonics.”

  Outcome: At last report, Lovell was still awaiting trial for grand larceny. If convicted, he faces up to 25 years in prison. “He didn’t intend to steal from anyone,” his attorney says. “Based on what the bank told him, he really believed the money was his.”

  Customer: Howard Jenkins, 31, a roofing company employee

  Bank Error: In May 1994, Jenkins withdrew $10 from a Nations-Bank ATM to treat his girlfriend to lunch. According to the ATM, he had $889,437 in his account. That sounded about $889,000 too high, so Jenkins went home and rechecked his balance using the bank’s telephone banking system, which told him he had $88 million in his account.

  What Happened: Jenkins raced back to the bank and filled out a withdrawal slip for $4 million. Moments later he walked out with seven certified checks—one for $997,000 and six for $500,000 each—and $3,000 in cash. Then he treated his girlfriend to lunch (price: $10). While they were eating, Jenkins showed her the checks and the cash.

  There are 2,598,960 possible hands you can be dealt in a game of Texas Hold ’Em.

  Outcome: No word on who gets the credit, but when Jenkins and his girlfriend finished their lunch, they (accompanied by a lawyer) returned to the bank and gave the $4 million back. No charges were filed. “I know something happened,” said NationsBank president Alex Sink, “although I don’t know exactly what.”

  Customer: David Hickey, 49, of Dublin, Ireland

  Bank Error: While Hickey was traveling in Spain in November 2001, he asked the Bank of Ireland to transfer £1,500 (about $2,150) into his Spanish bank account. With Spanish pesetas worth about 200 to the British pound, the bank should have transferred 300,000 pesetas into Hickey’s account. Instead, it transferred 300,000 euros into his account, or nearly $270,000.

  What Happened: As soon as the Bank of Ireland caught the mistake, it called in the Garda, the Irish equivalent of the FBI, and had Hickey arrested in Spain. Bad idea: Hickey didn’t appreciate being treated like a criminal while on vacation. “I have broken no laws,” he told a reporter, “I was unaware I had the money.”

  Outcome: Since Hickey really hadn’t broken any laws, the bank could not take the money back out of his account without his written consent, which he refused to give. Adding insult to injury, Hickey withdrew 60,000 euros before the Bank of Ireland could get a court order freezing the account, and threatened to spend it. He never did spend it, and he had no legal grounds for keeping it either, since it clearly didn’t belong to him. But he did teach the Bank of Ireland a lesson by returning the 300,000 euros slo-o-o-wly, in three installments, over the next twelve months.

  Customer: Ali-Kausar Barlas, a car salesman living in East Hartford, Connecticut

  Bank Error: In 1986 Barlas deposited a check for $374.03 into his bank account, but the bank mistakenly credited his account with $44,374.03.

  What Happened: Barlas withdrew $43,000 and used it to travel to his native Pakistan and get ready to marry his girlfriend. He paid her parents a $10,000 dowry, spent another $10,000 entertaining his future in-laws, and then brought his fiancée back to the United States, where he was arrested.

  First presidential election held on the same day in all states: 1848. Zachary Taylor won.

  Outcome: In a plea bargain reached with prosecutors, Barlas pleaded guilty to first-degree larceny, received a suspended five-year sentence, and agreed to pay the m
oney back. He married his girlfriend a week later. “He could have done worse with the money,” Assistant State’s Attorney John Massameno told reporters. “At least some romance was involved.”

  Customer: Philip Stagg, 33, an itinerant carpenter in Colorado

  Bank Error: In 1977 Stagg deposited $608 into his Bank of Breckinridge checking account, but when the bank failed to post it to his account, one of his checks bounced.

  What Happened: At first the bank agreed that there probably had been a mistake, and Stagg was owed $608. Then a bank official decided that Stagg was trying to steal the bank’s money and had him arrested for theft.

  Outcome: Stagg was charged with a felony, tried…and acquitted. Afterward, he sued the Bank of Breckinridge for defamation of character and intentional infliction of emotional stress. He won that case, too, and was awarded a $70,000 judgment against the bank. He later settled for $50,000, after the bank promised not to appeal the verdict. Shortly after the deal was worked out, the bank was sold to new owners, and they were the ones who got stuck with the bill. “If it had been up to us, we damn sure would have appealed it,” new bank president Dean Boyd told reporters.

  TWO WEIRD FLAGS

  • The Benin Empire is now part of Nigeria, but it was a nation from 1440 to 1897. Its flag depicted a man slicing another man’s neck with a sword—decapitating him mid-stroke.

  • Mozambique’s flag is layered: On top of green, black, yellow, and white stripes is a red triangle, and on top of that is a yellow star, and above that are the three objects that are apparently vital to the troubled nation: a book, a hoe, and an AK-47.

  Some species of caterpillars are cannibalistic.