Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ Read online

  Once those ads hit the airwaves, customers could walk into stores and ask for Chia Pets by name. And they did, by the tens and then by the hundreds of thousands. Whatever resistance retailers had to stocking the little rams—soon to be accompanied by bulls, bunnies, puppies, kittens, frogs, and countless other critters—melted away when the Chia Pets started flying off store shelves.

  PERMA CHIA

  About the only miscalculation Pedott made in his marketing strategy was that he assumed sales would drop off after a few years. They never did—nearly 30 years after the re-branded, re-marketed Chia Pets hit store shelves in 1982, his company, Joseph Enterprises, still sells about half a million of them a year, including licensed cartoon characters (beginning in 2000) and selected American presidents, including two different versions of President Barack Obama (“Determined,” with a serious look on his face, and “Happy,” with a smiling “Commander in Chia” look). The Obama Chia Pets are the first to depict a living person, and they’re also the most controversial Chia Pets ever: In 2009 both the Walgreens and CVS chains pulled them from store shelves after customers complained. (No word on whether the complaints were from Democrats or Republicans.)

  Bestselling fiction author of all time: William Shakespeare. #2: Agatha Christie. (Dr. Seuss is #9.)

  H–H–H–HEALTHY

  If you were ever tempted to taste a chia seed or sprout but didn’t for fear of being p–p–p–poisoned, you needn’t have worried: The seeds and sprouts are actually good for you. They were an important food crop to the Aztecs and are still grown for food in Central and South America, and now even in Australia.

  • The chia seeds are from the Salvia hispanica plant, a member of the mint family. They’re rich in omega-3 fatty acids and are also high in protein, fiber, and antioxidants.

  • The seeds can be eaten raw or added to corn or wheat flour to make baked goods. The sprouts can be added to sandwiches or sprinkled on salads, just like alfalfa sprouts. In Mexico they’re mixed into water or juice to make a health drink called chia fresca. Chia Goodness is a brand of chia/hemp-seed breakfast cereals sold in the United States and Canada.

  • If you’ve ever owned a Chia Pet, you know that when the seeds are soaked in water, they form an oily, gelatinous paste. That’s not some chemical that’s added to the seeds to make them stick to the Chia Pet; that’s a natural property of the seeds themselves, one that makes them useful in thickening porridge or oatmeal. That oil is also how the seeds got their name: Chia comes from chian, the Aztec (or Nahuatl) word for “oily.” The southernmost Mexican state of Chiapas takes its name from the Nahuatl words chia and apan—”chia river.”

  • You may be eating chia seeds already, without even knowing it: They are sold in health food stores under the brand names Salba, Mila, and Sachia. Golf legend Arnold Palmer even has his own line of chia seeds, sold under the brand name Anutra.

  POT-ABLE

  Chia seeds can’t reach their full potential when planted on a Chia Pet. (How well would you do on a diet of water and no food?) So if you want to see what a full-grown chia plant looks like, plant some seeds in potting soil. They’ll grow more than three feet tall and produce clusters of purple or white flowers on long stems.

  “Even a little dog can pee on a big building.” —Jim Hightower

  Average person’s cholesterol level in China: 127. In America: 227.

  RETRONYMS

  It’s a new way to describe an old term after a new development requires differentiation. Confused? You won’t be after reading these examples.

  Snail mail: It was called “mail” until e-mail. (A shorter version is beginning to catch on—”smail.”)

  Land line: It was just a regular telephone line until cell phones became popular.

  Coca-Cola Classic: The word “classic” was added in 1985 after the release of New Coke, which flopped.

  World War I: Originally called “The Great War” and “The War to End All Wars”…until World War II.

  Corn on the cob: Referred to as “corn” until canned and frozen corn became popular in the 1920s.

  Cloth diaper: The invention of the disposable diaper in 1949 created the need for this term.

  Hardcover book: All books were hardcover until the 1930s, when paperbacks were introduced.

  Silent film: Called “films” until the talkies took over in the late 1920s.

  Organic farming: How farming was done for millennia before chemical fertilizers and pesticides were introduced.

  Vinyl records, or vinyl: Until CDs, records were just records.

  Broadcast television: Needed since the introduction of cable and satellite TV.

  Acoustic guitar: From the 1600s until the 1930s, they were just “guitars.” Then the electric guitar was invented.

  George H.W. Bush: He rarely used his middle initials until his son became president.

  Hard copy: To distinguish a printed, paper document from an e-mailed one.

  Contiguous United States: Coined after Alaska and Hawaii became states in 1959.

  Field hockey: The original “hockey,” it’s still called that in countries where ice hockey, created later, isn’t as popular.

  Offline: What computer users refer to as anything not computer related, such as “outside.”

  Moe money: Hank Azaria has voiced more than 160 characters on The Simpsons.

  Q & A:

  ASK THE EXPERTS

  Everyone’s got a question or two they’d like answered—basic stuff, like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few of those questions, with answers from some of the world’s top trivia experts.

  PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF

  Q: On commercial airlines, why do you have to put your seat in the upright position before takeoff and landing?

  A: “Should an emergency occur during either of these times, passengers have a better chance of survival if they evacuate the plane immediately. Milliseconds count in these situations, so everyone would be in a mad rush to find an emergency exit. Coach passengers know how difficult squeezing out of a seat mid-flight just to get to the lavatory can be; now imagine that the cabin is filled with smoke and visibility is near zero. Reclined seats, extended table trays, and briefcases in the aisle would cause already panicked folks to stumble and fall, and hamper the evacuation process.” (From Mental Floss magazine’s “7 Burning Questions About Air Travel,” by Kara Kovalchik)

  EAT ME…NOT!

  Q: What would happen if you ate one of those “Do not eat!” silica gel packets found in the packaging of dry goods such as clothing and medicine?

  A: “Silica gel absorbs and holds water vapor. While the contents of a silica gel packet are basically harmless, consuming them would be an unpleasant experience. The moisture would be whisked away from the sides and roof of your mouth, your gums, and tongue, giving an all-too-accurate meaning of the phrase ‘dry mouth.’ If it did happen to get past your mouth—unlikely because you’d probably be making every effort to spit it out—you might suffer a few irritating side effects such as dry eyes, an irritated, dry feeling in your throat, aggravated, dry mucous membranes and nasal cavity, and an upset stomach.” (From “Discovery Health,” by Katherine Neer)

  Color-coded? In one cat taste test, black-and-white birds were the cats’ least favorite.

  FLUID ENTERTAINMENT

  Q: Do liquid crystal displays (LCDs) actually contain liquid?

  A: “In this case, the term ‘liquid’ refers to a peculiar quality of a certain type of crystal, not its physical appearance. The twisted nematic liquid crystal is the most common type used in LCD televisions and monitors today. It has a naturally twisted crystalline structure. A particular feature of this crystal is that it reacts to electric currents in predictable ways—i.e., by untwisting to varying degrees depending on the current to which it is exposed. Hence the ‘liquid’ part of the crystal’s moniker: Rather than being an oxymoron (How can a solid also be a liquid?), the term refers to the relative pliability of the crystals themselves, which is to sa
y, their twistability.” (From “LCD TV Buying Guide,” by Jack Burden)

  CHEER UP, OFFICER!

  Q: Why do police officers wear blue uniforms?

  A: “In 1829 the London Metropolitan Police, the first modern police force, developed standard police apparel. These first police officers, the famous ‘Bobbies’ of London, wore a dark blue, paramilitary-style uniform. The color helped to distinguish them from the British military, who wore red and white uniforms. Based on the London police, the New York City Police Department adopted the dark blue uniform in 1853. Today, most U.S. law enforcement agencies continue to use dark uniforms for their ability to help conceal the wearer in tactical situations and for their ease in cleaning. Dark colors also help hide stains.” (From “The FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin,” by Richard R. Johnson)

  DON’T GET TESTY!

  Q: Why do patients have to cough during a hernia exam?

  A: “A hernia occurs when soft tissue, usually part of the intestine, protrudes through a weak point or tear in your abdominal wall. This bulging is most likely to occur when there’s increased pressure on your abdomen, such as when lifting, straining, sneezing, or coughing. Forcing a cough during a hernia exam causes your abdominal muscles to contract and increase pressure within your abdomen. This may force a hernia to bulge out, making it easier to detect during examination.” (From the Mayo Clinic’s website, by Michael Picco, M.D.)

  About 6% of the world’s population experiences sleep paralysis—the inability to move for several minutes after awakening.

  TO TELL THE TRUTH

  Truth is elusive, truth is power, truth is the subject of these quotations.

  “We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.”

  —Blaise Pascal

  “The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge.”

  —Stephen Hawking

  “As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.”

  —Josh Billings

  “The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.”

  —Niels Bohr

  “Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’”

  —Khalil Gibran

  “There is nothing as boring as the truth.”

  —Charles Bukowski

  “When something important is going on, silence is a lie.”

  —A. M. Rosenthal

  “When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.”

  —William Blake

  “The fact that a great many people believe something is no guarantee of its truth.”

  —W. Somerset Maugham

  “What people say, what people do, and what they say they do are entirely different things.”

  —Margaret Meade

  “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”

  —Galileo

  “Truth is so rare that it is delightful to tell it.”

  —Emily Dickinson

  “The truth has a million faces, but there is only one truth.”

  —Hermann Hesse

  “All generalizations, including this one, are false.”

  —Mark Twain

  WHEN YOU GOTTA GO…

  Everybody dies. But few people’s deaths are bizarre enough to get a mention in one of our books. So rest in peace, dearly departed, and know that your lives had great meaning—you’ve entertained a legion of bathroom readers.

  SCHOOL’S OUT…FOREVER

  For 36 years, Sharon Smith had devoted her life to teaching elementary school in Molino, Florida. On the day of her retirement in June 2008, the 57-year-old fourth-grade teacher bid a fond farewell to her final class of kids. Then, just a few minutes later, Smith had trouble breathing. She died en route to the hospital. Her retirement had lasted less than half an hour.

  HEART TO HEART

  Sixty-nine-year-old Sonny Graham’s 2008 death in Vidalia, GA, was thought to be just another tragic case of suicide until it was revealed that, 12 years earlier, he’d received a heart transplant from a donor who had also committed suicide. Even stranger, both men died in the same manner: a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Stranger still, Graham was married to Cheryl Cottle, the widow of the man whose heart he received. “I felt like I had known her for years,” he told a reporter in 2006. “I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.” Cottle was widowed a second time by the same sad heart.

  CREAM-ATED

  A French circus clown named Yves Abouchar was killed during a performance in 1995 after another clown threw a pie at his face. Abouchar choked on the foam topping.

  SWAN SONG

  In June 2010, rumors began circulating throughout Mexico that crooner Sergio Vega, also known as El Shaka, had been shot and killed. That’s not surprising, considering that Vega was a Grupero, a singer who performs narcocorridos—ballads about Mexican drug lords. Each drug lord has his own crooner, and they are often the victims of retribution from rival drug lords. However, the rumor of Vega’s murder was false. Vega, 40, confirmed that himself in an interview to an entertainment website. An hour later, while the news was circulating that he hadn’t been shot and killed, Vega was shot and killed.

  Every three minutes, five Barbie dolls are sold on eBay.

  HE BLEW IT

  When investigators found the dead body of a 45-year-old Abner Kriller in his wrecked car, his glasses were covered by bubble gum. It seemed that Kriller blew such a big bubble that it popped all over his face. He couldn’t see and ran off the road.

  NOT A PEAK EXPERIENCE

  In 1993 a French mountain climber named Gerard Hommel—who’d successfully peaked Mt. Everest six times—died in his kitchen. He fell off a step ladder while changing a light bulb.

  BLACK MAGIC NUMBERS

  In 2001 Vladimir Grashnov, the former CEO of Mobitel, a Bulgarian mobile phone company, died of cancer at the age of 48. Two years after that, a Bulgarian mafia boss named Konstantin Dimitrov, 31, was shot and killed by an assassin. In 2005 Konstantin Dishliev, a Bulgarian real estate agent who sold drugs, was shot and killed. How are these three deaths related? Each man had been issued the same cell phone number from Mobitel. When each man died, it was assigned to the next man, who also died. (Mobitel has discontinued issuing that phone number.)

  AUGUSTUS GLOOPED

  In 2002 a chocolate factory worker named Yoni Cordon didn’t show up to his job in Hatfield, Pennsylvania, for three days. Then his body was found inside a 1,200-gallon vat of chocolate. No one had seen him fall in. Nor did anyone know exactly how many chocolate chips had been made and sold before he was discovered.

  CHECKMATE

  At a 1992 chess tournament in Moscow, Grand Chess Master Nikolai Gudkov beat a computer three times in a row. When he touched the electronic board for a fourth game, the computer electrocuted him.

  Ratio of women to men in Oprah’s studio audience: 19 to 1.

  PASTEUR CURED RABBIS

  …and other real answers given on real tests by real students, collected by their poor, poor teachers and passed along to us.

  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.”

  “Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.”

  “The Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.”

  “The Civil War was between China and Pakistan.”

  “A myth is a female moth.”

  “Miguel de Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.”

  “The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.”

  “Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, ‘A horse divided against itself cannot stand.’”

  “To change centimeters to meters you take out centi.”

  “Lincoln’s mother d
ied in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.”

  “In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.”

  “The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.”

  “Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.”

  “Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving-picture show.”

  “The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.”

  “Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.”

  “Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.”

  “Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.”

  The German language has words to describe 30 different types of kisses.

  FIGHT CLUB, STARRING

  RUSSELL CROWE

  Some films are so closely associated with a specific actor or director that it’s hard to imagine they weren’t the first choices. But it happens all the time. Can you imagine, for example…

  BEN AFFLECK & MATT DAMON AS JACK & ENNIS (Brokeback Mountain, 2005) Gus Van Sant was the first big-name director to show interest in adapting Annie Proulx’s 1997 short story about the struggles of two cowboys who fall in love. Having previously directed real-life best friends Affleck and Damon in Good Will Hunting, Van Sant offered them the roles, but Damon declined (he’d just played a homosexual in The Talented Mr. Ripley). When Ang Lee took over the project, he offered the roles to Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg (Wahlberg declined because the gay subject matter “creeped him out”). The parts ultimately went to Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.