Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader Read online

  On Music:

  “I wonder if you know that the harp is a predecessor of the modern day guitar. Early minstrels were much larger people. In fact, they had hands the size of small dogs.”

  On pigs:

  “It’s a little-known fact that the smartest animal is a pig. Scientists say if pigs had thumbs and a language, they could be trained to do simple manual labor. They give you 20 to 30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner you can eat them.”

  On women:

  “Ah, just like all women. If they’re not turnin’ down your proposal of marriage, they’re accusing you of suspicious behavior in the lingerie changing room.”

  On politics:

  “If you were to go back in history and take every president, you’ll find that the numerical value of each letter in their name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected. By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yellnick McWawa.”

  On dating:

  “There’s no rule against postal workers dating women. It just works out that way.”

  Largest living thing on Earth: an underground mushroom in Oregon, 3.5 miles across.

  WEDDING SUPERSTITIONS

  If you’re planning a wedding, there’s a lot to remember. And if you’re superstitious, you may have even more to juggle.

  THE BIG DAY

  Good Luck: Pick a date when the moon is waxing (increasing in size) and an hour when the tide is rising. Also be sure to time the wedding ceremony so that it ends in the second half of the hour, when the minute hand is rising on the face of the clock. Don’t stop there: Everything associated with the wedding should be moving up, up, up! Anything that rises or grows promises rising fortunes for you and your spouse.

  Bad Luck: Don’t schedule the wedding for early in the morning. That will bring bad luck—and it’s not just a superstition: in the old days the groom, and sometimes even the bride, needed ample time to clean themselves up after morning farm chores, lest they risk showing up at church smelling of animals and manure. (Nowadays it gives the groom a chance to recover from his bachelor party or whatever antics went on the night before.)

  THE DRESS

  Good Luck: White has been a lucky color for formal weddings in the West for more than a century; for informal ceremonies, any color will do…except for black or red.

  Bad Luck: Black symbolizes death—only widows can wear it—and red, the color of the devil, is unlucky too. If a woman wears a red wedding dress, 1) she and her husband will fight before their first anniversary or 2) her husband “will soon die.”

  THE VEIL

  Good Luck: The woman who puts the veil on the bride should be happily married. If possible, the bride should wear the veil her grandmother wore, to ensure “that she will always have wealth.”

  Bad Luck: No one other than members of the bride’s family should see her veil before the ceremony, and once she is fully dressed, she shouldn’t look in the mirror again until after the ceremony is over. She should leave one small article of dress, perhaps a ribbon or a pin, undone so that she can add it at the last minute without having to look in a mirror.

  Origin of the term bridal shower: English brides used to buy “bride ale” for wedding guests.

  JEWELRY

  Good Luck: Wearing earrings will bring the bride good luck.

  Bad Luck: Don’t wear pearls—not in the earrings or the necklace, on the dress, or anyplace else. Pearls symbolize tears. “For every pearl a bride wears, her husband will give her a reason to cry.”

  OMENS

  Good Luck: The animals you see on the way to church are full of omens. Lambs, doves, wolves, spiders, and toads are all good luck. If birds fly directly over your car, that’s also good luck—it means you’re going to have a lot of kids. (Okay, maybe that’s bad luck…)

  Bad Luck: If a pig crosses your path on your way to the wedding, that’s bad luck. If a bat flies into the church, that’s bad luck too.

  DON’T BE SHY—GO AHEAD AND CRY

  Good Luck: Tears are such good luck that if the bride can’t cry on her own, she should create tears “by virtue of mustard and onions” if necessary. Tears symbolically wash the bride’s old problems away, giving her a fresh start.

  Bad Luck: Not crying is very bad luck. This is a throwback to the days when people believed that witches can only shed three tears, and these only from her left eye. By crying, a bride demonstrated to the assembled guests that she was not a witch, thereby avoiding being burned at the stake (also bad luck).

  MISCELLANY

  Good Luck: When she enters and leaves the church, the bride should step across the threshold with her right foot first.

  Bad Luck: The bride shouldn’t have anything to do with making either her wedding cake or her wedding dress. Don’t eat anything while you’re getting dressed, either—that’s bad luck too.

  Hands off: On average, kids aged 2 to 5 put their hands in their mouths 10 times an hour.

  STRANGE LAWSUITS

  These days, it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are some real-life examples of unusual legal battles.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Wawa, a food store chain

  THE DEFENDANTS: Tamilee Haaf and George Haaf, Jr., owners of the HAHA market

  THE LAWSUIT: In late 1996, Wawa, which controls 500 convenience store outlets in eastern Pennsylvania, filed a suit claiming that HAHA is too similar in sound and could confuse people into believing that HAHA is affiliated with Wawa. The Haafs claim they have a right to use the name since it is simply an abbreviation of their last name.

  THE VERDICT: It may sound funny, but HAHA lost. The judge ruled that “HAHA” sounds so close to “Wawa” that it dilutes Wawa’s trademark. HAHA boo-hoo, Wawa yee-ha.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Associate Humane Societies

  THE DEFENDANT: Frank Balun

  THE LAWSUIT: Balun went into his Hillside, New Jersey, garden in July 1993 to check on his tomato vines and discovered that some of the plants had been eaten by rats. So he set a squirrel trap, hoping to catch one. He did. Then he called the Humane Society to pick it up. But before they could respond, the rat tried to escape and Balun hit it on the head with a broom handle, killing it. The Humane Society in Newark then filed charges against Balun for “needlessly abusing a rodent.” Complaining that Balun should have dealt with it more humanely, the Humane Society said, “It may only be a rat, but it’s a living creature, and there is no reason to abuse a living creature.”

  THE VERDICT: A municipal judge dismissed the charges, citing a statute that allows people to kill vermin that attack their “crops.”

  THE PLAINTIFF: State of Colorado

  THE DEFENDANT: Eugene Baylis

  Makes sense: Sahara comes from the Arabic word sahra meaning “desert.”

  THE LAWSUIT: Forty-two-year-old Baylis walked into a biker bar in Colorado Springs, armed with an AK-47 rifle, four hand grenades, and a pistol. Seeing the heavily armed man, several of the bar’s regular patrons advanced on him—allegedly to keep him from doing any harm. But Baylis got scared and opened fire, killing two people and injuring five.

  In court, Baylis argued that he’d gone to the bar to look for a man who’d shot him with a pellet gun earlier in the day. He claimed he merely wanted to hold his attacker until the police arrived, but when he was accosted by the men in the bar, he felt he had no choice but to shoot them…in “self-defense.”

  THE VERDICT: Incredibly, a jury found Baylis not guilty on all counts. One of the jurors said the prosecution never proved Baylis had had any real intentions of killing anyone when he entered the bar and “didn’t disprove that Baylis acted in self-defense.”

  THE PLAINTIFF: Peter Maxwell

  THE DEFENDANT: Peter Maxwell

  THE LAWSUIT: Maxwell owned a urethane-manufacturing company in Chino, California. He was also on the payroll as a worker, taking a salary of $10,000 a year. One day while he was operating a mixing machine, his sweater got caught on an exposed bo
lt. He was pulled into the device and severely injured. Maxwell, the employee, hired an attorney and sued Maxwell, the owner, for negligence. Maxwell, the owner, hired another lawyer to defend the company against the lawsuit.

  THE VERDICT: Both Maxwells decided they could settle their dispute out of court and negotiated that Maxwell, the owner, should pay Maxwell, the employee, $122,500 for his injuries.

  AFTERMATH: When the IRS caught wind of the deal, they demanded that Maxwell, the employee, pay $64,185 of the settlement in income tax. They also wanted Maxwell, the owner, to cough up $58,500 because he tried to write off the payment as a business expense. Maxwell was outraged—and so was Maxwell. Maxwell, the owner, side by side with Maxwell, the employee, appealed the IRS’s judgment to the U.S. Tax Court. In 1990 Judge Robert Ruwe ruled that Maxwell, the employee, could have the settlement income tax-free and that Maxwell, the owner, could deduct the entire amount as a business expense.

  During 33 seasons on the air, Mr. Rogers’s trolley traveled more than 100 miles on its track.

  UNCLE JOHN’S “CREATIVE TEACHING” AWARDS

  Another round of the BRI’s Creative Teaching Awards, because we’re just so proud of teachers who continue to make education an exciting and creative experience.

  SUBJECT: Animal care

  WINNER: Leslie Davis, of Savannah, Georgia

  APPROACH: In May 2002, Davis assembled her elementary school students and took them to a nearby park—where they stole a duck from the pond. Then they went back to the school, where they planned to release the duck as a prank.

  REACTION: The 23-year-old teacher was charged with public drunkenness, obstruction, and contributing to the delinquency of minors.

  SUBJECT: Fashion

  WINNER: Vice Principal Rita Wilson, Rancho Bernardo High School, Poway, California

  APPROACH: During the 2002 April Dance, Ms. Wilson wanted to make sure that female students were following the dress code. So, as they were entering the building, she lifted up the girls’ skirts to see if they were wearing thong underwear, which was prohibited. According to a source, she even did so in front of male students.

  REACTION: The Poway Unified School District investigated and concluded that the vice principal “used poor judgment”…then demoted her to a classroom teaching job.

  SUBJECT: Civics

  WINNER: School administrators at Hamilton High School, in Chandler, Arizona

  APPROACH: As part of a law-enforcement training class, four students took part in a “gun drill,” storming school hallways with fake guns, shouting “Don’t make me do it!” But apparently someone had failed to warn the faculty about the drill.

  First African American to win the Nobel Peace Prize: Ralph Bunche, in 1950.

  REACTION: Panicked students and teachers locked down the classrooms until they were sure they were safe. The instructor who planned the drill—Police Officer Andy McIlveen—was asked not to return to the school district. Said Assistant Principal Dave Constance, “This is not an appropriate way to teach school safety.”

  SUBJECT: Humanities

  WINNER: Ronald Cummings, of Santa Ana, California

  APPROACH: For some reason, Cummings drove a group of students—a 14-year-old boy and two 18-year-olds—to a gang fight and then gave them a cigarette lighter that looked exactly like a pistol.

  REACTION: Immediately put on leave from the school, he was charged by police with contributing to the delinquency of minors, making terrorist threats, and using a fake firearm in a threatening manner. He faces eight years in prison.

  SUBJECT: History

  WINNER: School officials in West Palm Beach, Florida

  APPROACH: To make sure students would fulfill state requirements in history, the officials developed a 100-question test—and then required that students answer only 23 of them correctly to pass.

  REACTION: Not much. Some teachers complained, but the school board defended the low grade scale…and the test went on anyway. Bottom line: The students can get three-quarters of the answers wrong and still pass.

  SUBJECT: Ethics

  WINNER: Third-grade teacher Betty Bettis and gym teacher Thomas L. Sims, of Kansas City, Missouri

  APPROACH: When a lunch money collection in Bettis’s class came up $5 short, the teacher strip searched the students. She took the girls into a restroom, had them strip to their underwear, and then had them check each others’ panties. Sims took the boys into a gym and had them strip and then shake their underwear.

  REACTION: Outraged parents made the story international news. One student even went on a talk show to describe the incident. By the way, they found the missing money in a rest room…but not as a result of the strip search.

  The traditional gift for a 44th wedding anniversary is…groceries.

  THE WORLD’S FIRST VIDEO GAME

  Ever heard of William Higinbotham? He’s the guy who invented the world’s first video game. But he never made a cent off his invention and hardly anyone has heard of him. Uncle John thinks it’s time he got the credit he deserves.

  HOWDY, NEIGHBOR

  How would you feel if a nuclear reactor came online just down the street from your house? Would knowing that it was just a “small” research reactor, dedicated to finding “peaceful uses” for atomic energy, make you feel any better? That’s what happened in 1950 at the Brookhaven National Laboratory in Long Island, New York.

  Despite all of its public assurances, local residents were visibly concerned about the potential dangers of the new plant. One way the facility tried to ease public fears was by hosting an annual “Visitor’s Day,” so that members of the community could look around and see for themselves what kinds of projects the scientists were working on. There were cardboard displays with blinking lights to look at, geiger counters and electronic circuits to fiddle with, and dozens of black-and-white photos that explained the different research projects underway at the lab.

  In other words, Visitor’s Day was pretty boring.

  SOMETHING TO DO

  In 1958 a Brookhaven physicist named William Higinbotham decided to do something about it. Years earlier, Higinbotham had designed the timing device used to detonate the first atomic bomb; now he set his mind to coming up with something interesting for Visitor’s Day. “I knew from past visitor’s days that people were not much interested in static exhibits,” he remembered. “So that year, I came up with an idea for a hands-on display.”

  On average, people blink 10,080 times a day.

  FOLLOW THE BOUNCING BALL

  Looking around the labs, Higinbotham found an electronic testing device called an oscilloscope, which has a cathode ray tube display similar to a TV picture tube. He also found an old analog computer (modern computers are digital, not analog) that he could hook up to the oscilloscope in such a way that a “ball” of light would bounce randomly around the screen.

  “We found,” Higinbotham remembered, “that we could make a game which would have a ball bouncing back and forth, sort of like a tennis game viewed from the side.” The game he came up with looked kind of like this:

  Two people played against one another using control boxes that had a “serve” button that hit the ball over the net, and a control knob that adjusted how high the ball was hit. And just as in real tennis, if you hit the ball into the net, it bounced back at you.

  BEST OF SHOW

  It took Higinbotham two hours to draw up the schematic diagram for “Tennis for Two,” as he called it, and two weeks of tinkering to get it to work. When Visitor’s Day came around and Higinbotham put it on a table with a bunch of other electrical equipment, it only took the visitors about five minutes to find it. Soon hundreds of people were crowding around it, some standing in line for more than an hour for a chance to play the game for a minute or two. They didn’t learn much about the peaceful applications of nuclear energy that Visitor’s Day in 1958. But they sure had fun playing that game.

  Higinbotham didn’t have an inkling as to the significance of what he’d
done. “It never occurred to me that I was doing anything very exciting,” he remembered. “The long line of people I thought wasn’t because this was so great, but because all the rest of the things were so dull.”

  Seeing is believing: Frogs use their eyeballs to push food down their throat.

  GAME OVER

  So what happened to Higinbotham’s video tennis game? He improved it for Visitor’s Day 1959, letting people play Tennis for Two in Earth gravity, or low gravity like on the moon, or very high gravity like that found on Jupiter.

  Then, when Visitor’s Day was over, he took the video game apart and put the pieces away. He never brought them out again, never built another video game, and never patented his idea.

  Willy Higinbotham would probably be completely forgotten today were it not for a lawsuit. When video games began taking off in the early 1970s, Magnavox and some other early manufacturers began fighting in court over which one of them had invented the games. A patent lawyer for one of Magnavox’s competitors eventually learned of Higinbotham’s story and brought the Great Man into court to prove that he, not Magnavox, was the true father of the video game.